Seeking Additional Perspective.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Seeking Additional Perspective.....
Hi....my alcoholic husband and I have been together for 22 years......married for 20. I'm writing here in hopes of getting additional perspective on a situation.
My husband has had months of sobriety here and there throughout our marriage. He's done treatment, AA, counseling. I've done Al-Anon, counseling, read books and even completed a my thesis on alcoholism as an illness etc.
I have enabled, detached, supported and stood by him during many, many alcoholic incidents, including sex and other women-related incidents....all involving alcohol. I also protected and sheltered our three children from his illness until a recent event brought everything.....almost everything.....out into the open. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I now know that I was wrong in not educating them.
For the first time in our marriage, I asked for a separation from my husband three months ago. An incident occured that I could not accept. I went totally numb and felt all love my for this man simply vanish in a matter of minutes. Twenty-two years of verbal/emotional abuse, humiliation, fear, drunken and hurtful acts, lies and broken promises swept through me and has remained in my heart, my soul and my mind.
I had been a faithful wife, partner, friend, co-parent to my husband until this most recent incident. A couple of weeks after we separated, I reached out for comfort, attention and support from another man, who is not an alcoholic. Someone I've known for years who I trust. Although it was not sexual, it was very emotional and I felt safe and secure with him. I felt like I wasn't crazy and I felt human and I felt loved. About one month into his recovery, my husband found out about this, went wild, but didn't drink. We were, still are, separated, but he hacked into my e-mail, monitored calls, followed me etc. I'm no longer seeing the man, but I am also not remorseful. I have no regrets.
My husband has now been sober for about 80 days, is regularly attending AA, has a sponser and joined a bible study group. We are separated, and I am unsuccessfully working very hard to set boundaries. My husband is very charming, attractive, intelligent person with a successful career and is very well-respected in our community. I cannot say no to him. I'm seeing a Christian counselor who is helping me learn to set those boundaries of what I feel comfortable with and what is best for me.
At the advisement of our counselors, we are both seeing them individually, working on ourselves to get some issues resolved before even considering any type of joint counseling to work on our relationship. My husband still wants to fix our relationship, wants me to love him, wants everything back in his life. He's in pain and I when I see that, I just want to fix it for him. You all know what I'm talking about, right?
I tell him I need space and time, he agrees, but continues to call constantly, send e-mails, cards, flowers, visits my office, which is 45 miles away from his office and he only has a drivers work permit now. He appears to be happy and respectful and understanding of my need to get myself healthy one hour, then the next he is angry and hurt. He says through the help of his HP he no longer craves alcohol or has a compulsion for sex. He says he's changed blah, blah, blah, blah.....He's working on the steps, but denies that he has an addiction to sex. Do they go hand in hand? Will the sex stuff stop since he is sober and is working on recovery? Or has it temporarily ended since he is in so much pain now?
I appreciate any insight, words of wisdom that any of you have to offer. I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is. I still care deeply for my husband, but I'm not sure if the love is still there. Right now, I don't love him...I don't hate him. I feel sorry for him and I want his pain to go away.
My husband has had months of sobriety here and there throughout our marriage. He's done treatment, AA, counseling. I've done Al-Anon, counseling, read books and even completed a my thesis on alcoholism as an illness etc.
I have enabled, detached, supported and stood by him during many, many alcoholic incidents, including sex and other women-related incidents....all involving alcohol. I also protected and sheltered our three children from his illness until a recent event brought everything.....almost everything.....out into the open. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I now know that I was wrong in not educating them.
For the first time in our marriage, I asked for a separation from my husband three months ago. An incident occured that I could not accept. I went totally numb and felt all love my for this man simply vanish in a matter of minutes. Twenty-two years of verbal/emotional abuse, humiliation, fear, drunken and hurtful acts, lies and broken promises swept through me and has remained in my heart, my soul and my mind.
I had been a faithful wife, partner, friend, co-parent to my husband until this most recent incident. A couple of weeks after we separated, I reached out for comfort, attention and support from another man, who is not an alcoholic. Someone I've known for years who I trust. Although it was not sexual, it was very emotional and I felt safe and secure with him. I felt like I wasn't crazy and I felt human and I felt loved. About one month into his recovery, my husband found out about this, went wild, but didn't drink. We were, still are, separated, but he hacked into my e-mail, monitored calls, followed me etc. I'm no longer seeing the man, but I am also not remorseful. I have no regrets.
My husband has now been sober for about 80 days, is regularly attending AA, has a sponser and joined a bible study group. We are separated, and I am unsuccessfully working very hard to set boundaries. My husband is very charming, attractive, intelligent person with a successful career and is very well-respected in our community. I cannot say no to him. I'm seeing a Christian counselor who is helping me learn to set those boundaries of what I feel comfortable with and what is best for me.
At the advisement of our counselors, we are both seeing them individually, working on ourselves to get some issues resolved before even considering any type of joint counseling to work on our relationship. My husband still wants to fix our relationship, wants me to love him, wants everything back in his life. He's in pain and I when I see that, I just want to fix it for him. You all know what I'm talking about, right?
I tell him I need space and time, he agrees, but continues to call constantly, send e-mails, cards, flowers, visits my office, which is 45 miles away from his office and he only has a drivers work permit now. He appears to be happy and respectful and understanding of my need to get myself healthy one hour, then the next he is angry and hurt. He says through the help of his HP he no longer craves alcohol or has a compulsion for sex. He says he's changed blah, blah, blah, blah.....He's working on the steps, but denies that he has an addiction to sex. Do they go hand in hand? Will the sex stuff stop since he is sober and is working on recovery? Or has it temporarily ended since he is in so much pain now?
I appreciate any insight, words of wisdom that any of you have to offer. I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is. I still care deeply for my husband, but I'm not sure if the love is still there. Right now, I don't love him...I don't hate him. I feel sorry for him and I want his pain to go away.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Sarah,
It sounds as tho everything is in order on the outside. It is your inside that is in turmoil. Try to listen to what you are saying to him...that you need time. And then give that yourself.
Hugs,
JT
It sounds as tho everything is in order on the outside. It is your inside that is in turmoil. Try to listen to what you are saying to him...that you need time. And then give that yourself.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Sarah and welcome
I think your answers will come in time. I also think they will all depend on how many bridges are burned between you and your husband and whether or not you think those bridges can be repaired. It sounds like you have endured a lot of hurt at his expense. He isn't giving you your space by bombarding you with emails, sending flowers and hacking into your email account. That is more like stalking you than giving you your space, in my opinion. Take your time and make your decisions based on what is best for YOU.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello Sarah2003,
I really think that drinking and the sex compulsiveness do go hand in hand. When my husband is drinking he usually wants sex and then has a problem performing which leads to frustration and causes my nights sleep to be interrupted. When he doesn't drink he is so different. Well , I guess that is true of anyone.
It is hard to know how you feel when your hurt. Love and hate are so very close sometimes. Time has a way of healing your pain.
Take care and keep coming back,
matters
I really think that drinking and the sex compulsiveness do go hand in hand. When my husband is drinking he usually wants sex and then has a problem performing which leads to frustration and causes my nights sleep to be interrupted. When he doesn't drink he is so different. Well , I guess that is true of anyone.
It is hard to know how you feel when your hurt. Love and hate are so very close sometimes. Time has a way of healing your pain.
Take care and keep coming back,
matters
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