MTBChick

OK so me and the other woman my ex-abf cheated on me with are friends. Its not her fault that he cheated on me she didn't know he had a girl friend (i.e. me). Anyway, neither her nor I have any contact with my ex-abf but her and I do keep in touch. So, what I have noticed recently is that I am really consumed with questions that I want to ask her relating to her relationship with my ex-abf. Stuff like whether it was his idea/suggestion to come out and visit her last April or did she have to hound him to do so? When they were both stationed overseas before he came back to the states was it always her calling him to make dates or him calling her, would he see her more than just once during the week or the whole weekend, or during the week. Stuff like that. I know what good does it really do me to know this but I can't seem to get it out of my head.

mallowcup

I suppose since the two of you are friends, it makes it more possible to ask, so you probably allow yourself to think about it. If this was a woman you didn't know, you would never be able to ask.
Nothing good can come from asking and the answers will be all wrong no matter what they are.
It would tick me off if she pursued him and it would tick me off if he pursued her. Besides, innocent informational questions just lead to uninnocent and too much informational questions that only hurt you.

MsGolightly

mtb, i've totally been there.

there are so many things i want to ask and so many things i wonder about the cheating. but the more i realize it, i really don't want to know. sometimes i think i really need to know in order to accept it... i'd have to know the truth. but i've started thinking lately, what good would that do me? does it really even matter? do i really NEED to know or would my life be better off not knowing?

sometimes i think i get addicted to the pain and the confusion, because it occupies my brain. but i know that if i found out something that i didn't want to hear, i'd be so destroyed and i would be even angrier. what would happen if you found out something you really didn't want to know? sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss.

WhatAboutME

I agree. No good can come from knowing who started what, who called who, etc. And this comes from someone who is in a similar situation. I've already imagined the absolute worst in my head. No point in going any further. Besides, I'm sure my version is much juicy and more exciting than the actual truth. There's nothing romantic about a sloppy drunk falling asleep on top of you and waking up in the wet spot where he peed his pants.

parentrecovers

i'd try to stay out of it, mtbchick. knowing won't change anything. blessings, k

MTBChick

I know its something I should stay out of (i.e. asking the questions) thus thats why I posted here rather than doing what I would normally do and just go ahead and ask. Progress not perfection...I'm proud of myself for knowing that going and asking the questions wouldn't do me any good but to cause me more pain.

MsGolightly

no doubt you've come a long way!

at least now you're able to recognize when something would hurt you, even though it's something you really feel the urge to do! the feelings will pass... the less you think about it the better things will be - so when you find yourself thinking about him or their relationship, distract yourself with something else. thinking about it isn't going to change anything... a lot easier said than done though

LGLG07

This question may or may not be relavent but why are you friends with this girl ? I did assume you werent friends before she was with your abf because she did not know you were dating him but I can totally be wrong . However if that is the case and you just got to know her over this incident , maybe you should cool down the friendship because for as long as you have her in your life , you are going to relive the cheating and the questions will always be there .

MsGolightly

good point, LG. i agree. kind of like when an alcoholic enters recovery and needs abandon the friends he used to drink with because it'd be a trigger for him... being friends with her will probably make you relive the cheating aspect of your relationship over and over again.

Sunflower

some questions are better left unanswered

justjo

Im a little confused. Were you friends with her before this or after this? Either way why are you still talking to her. Thats his past not yours. Let go and get on with it. Sounds like your insecurity. If my partner cheated on me, I wouldnt want to know what they did etc etc. That would be it.