long and miserable.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
long and miserable.....
For weeks I have been feeling like my mood is just sliding further and further down hill. I go on these crying jags that sometimes last hours. I feel overwhelmed by next to nothing, and I feel guilty that I can't get my act together to look for a new job (this one I have runs out in June). The only reason I can manage to go to work is because I don't have a very intense job, and I am given pretty exact instructions as to what to do, I don't need to plan anything or take any work home, plus the day is broken into small chunks so I never need to look at the thing as a whole. I just go from chunk to chunk.
My life is becoming really small, I can only handle thinking about the time between waking up and going to bed. If I think about more than that I just feel like there is no point to anything and it is all useless to even try to get up.
Yeah I suppose clinical depression...this week I am going to my neurologist to get an anti-depressent prescribed.
Sure I can blame a lot of this on the abf. Partially because his problems mean that he can not be much of an emotional support for me. It isn't just his addictions but also his panic/anxiety disorder which means when he gets overwhelmed he ends up retreating to the safety of his place. And most often he gets overwhelmed at the times when I feel I need him the most. I have even told him ahead of time that I will need his help, like I had to go to the hospital for a minor procedure and I told him a week ahead to please be in a mental and physical position to be here when I came back, just to make me dinner and such, nothing major, just to have another person here, and he ended up going out and using a night before so he was too messed up to come over, so I did what I do, went by myself, took care of myself.
I think people think I am strong because I don't visibly fall apart, I still get out of bed, go to work, take showers, do the shopping, the laundry, etc. But honestly, I am only going through the motions, those are like autonomic, they are not any sign of strength.
But, I can't blame every thing on him, I came into our relationship in a weakened emotional state, and the upheaval of being involved with an addict has just exacerbated it, but really, the foundations of depression were already there.
I am alone, no friends, I have a crappy financial situation that puts me in a situation of relying more on my parents than I or them are comfortable with...etc etc. and I fell in love with a man and thought that now I had someone who would be there for me, a companion, and someone to share the overall burdens of life with, and he turned out to be incapable of that and I sit here angry and in pain and feeling rejected and gypped by life.
sometimes the anger is so strong I want to just trash things, or smash my car up, and sometimes the pain is so strong I actually imagine hurting myself (my daughter is a cutter and there are times when the thought of doing that to myself can pass through my head). I have never done anythign like that. I think I am somewhat of a wimp, but also I realize it is more about seekign attention and just wanting to be heard. I figure that if the people around me, if the abf, sees my pain and anger then he will stop doing the things that cause some of it and he will step up and be stronger and help me.
but that is a pipe dream, I am trying to get someone incapable of even taking care of himself to give me a hand.
and the worst thing is I know that one of the things that would help me the most --- leaving him, is also one of the things that is going to cause me the greatest pain at the moment. Sure I am aware that the pain of that break-up will eventually dissipate, and that I will be able to get through it in some way, but I just feel too low, too weak, to handle it right now, and I keep hoping that he will actually be able to help me in some way, despite ongoing, weekly or more often, disappointments.
For the last week or so, after I decided to give the antidepressants a try, I have been in this holding pattern just waiting for the appointment with my neuro, just trying to hang in there, and on top of that I have had the abf nagging me and nagging me for money...and I have had to keep strong and say NO NO NO again and again and again.
finally yesterday, 15 minutes before the bank closed I gave up, I went to the bank and got the money. I didn't even care anymore, I figured that if it was so frigging important to him I might as well just give it to him. I almost wanted him to take right off for the bars and crack house just so that I could say "I TOLD YOU SO" but instead he came over to my place (oh, just so you know, he signed his car over to me as collateral) and we had dinner and, just as I was feeling comfortable, his anxiety thing kicked in, and he freaked out at the idea that he had nagged me into giving him the money (which was going to be used for him to start getting a new life going which would include sobriety and eventually us living together)(so in some ways the money was for a common goal and a potentially positive thing for us). Well, with in two hours of getting here, he couldn't handle it anymore, and wanted to go back to his place, his guilt of getting the money out of, of bullying me and strong arming me into giving it to him, was overwhelming him, as well as feeling of inadequacies and fear of failure (perhaps he was craving now that he had money in his pocket but he didn't mention it).
SO we traded money for car title again and I took him home, and I had a big angry temper tantrum the whole way, crying and furious, I even hopped out of the car at one point, and I drove in this reckless fashion just desperately wanting to drive us into a concrete divider. and I realized that even when the alcohol and drugs are taken away our relationship and the things that go on it are no different, he takes off leaving me in the lurch when I need him, he can't get past his own problems to help me out, to care a bit for me (I even ended up cooking dinner, and here I have been miserable and crying non-stop since tuesday and was so drained).
UGH this whole thing is just useless...I just so desperately want him to feel my pain and to understand my anger, and he just retreats and takes off at the slightest show of it. I just want someone else to help me carry this load of mine (real or imagined but whatever it is I feel like I am being crushed under the weight of it).
I know, I know, can't expect and addict to be much of anything but a sometimes parasitic creature that sucks our strength and energy and resources from us...but hope springs eternal and I know he has all these good intentions -- stay sober and clean, be supportive emotionally and financially, and I keep thinking, maybe this time he will actually be able to pull it off.
sorry for the long miserable post, I just feel like i have no one else to talk to, no one else that has heard the whole story, no one else that understands just what is it to be in this stupid codependent relationship.
My life is becoming really small, I can only handle thinking about the time between waking up and going to bed. If I think about more than that I just feel like there is no point to anything and it is all useless to even try to get up.
Yeah I suppose clinical depression...this week I am going to my neurologist to get an anti-depressent prescribed.
Sure I can blame a lot of this on the abf. Partially because his problems mean that he can not be much of an emotional support for me. It isn't just his addictions but also his panic/anxiety disorder which means when he gets overwhelmed he ends up retreating to the safety of his place. And most often he gets overwhelmed at the times when I feel I need him the most. I have even told him ahead of time that I will need his help, like I had to go to the hospital for a minor procedure and I told him a week ahead to please be in a mental and physical position to be here when I came back, just to make me dinner and such, nothing major, just to have another person here, and he ended up going out and using a night before so he was too messed up to come over, so I did what I do, went by myself, took care of myself.
I think people think I am strong because I don't visibly fall apart, I still get out of bed, go to work, take showers, do the shopping, the laundry, etc. But honestly, I am only going through the motions, those are like autonomic, they are not any sign of strength.
But, I can't blame every thing on him, I came into our relationship in a weakened emotional state, and the upheaval of being involved with an addict has just exacerbated it, but really, the foundations of depression were already there.
I am alone, no friends, I have a crappy financial situation that puts me in a situation of relying more on my parents than I or them are comfortable with...etc etc. and I fell in love with a man and thought that now I had someone who would be there for me, a companion, and someone to share the overall burdens of life with, and he turned out to be incapable of that and I sit here angry and in pain and feeling rejected and gypped by life.
sometimes the anger is so strong I want to just trash things, or smash my car up, and sometimes the pain is so strong I actually imagine hurting myself (my daughter is a cutter and there are times when the thought of doing that to myself can pass through my head). I have never done anythign like that. I think I am somewhat of a wimp, but also I realize it is more about seekign attention and just wanting to be heard. I figure that if the people around me, if the abf, sees my pain and anger then he will stop doing the things that cause some of it and he will step up and be stronger and help me.
but that is a pipe dream, I am trying to get someone incapable of even taking care of himself to give me a hand.
and the worst thing is I know that one of the things that would help me the most --- leaving him, is also one of the things that is going to cause me the greatest pain at the moment. Sure I am aware that the pain of that break-up will eventually dissipate, and that I will be able to get through it in some way, but I just feel too low, too weak, to handle it right now, and I keep hoping that he will actually be able to help me in some way, despite ongoing, weekly or more often, disappointments.
For the last week or so, after I decided to give the antidepressants a try, I have been in this holding pattern just waiting for the appointment with my neuro, just trying to hang in there, and on top of that I have had the abf nagging me and nagging me for money...and I have had to keep strong and say NO NO NO again and again and again.
finally yesterday, 15 minutes before the bank closed I gave up, I went to the bank and got the money. I didn't even care anymore, I figured that if it was so frigging important to him I might as well just give it to him. I almost wanted him to take right off for the bars and crack house just so that I could say "I TOLD YOU SO" but instead he came over to my place (oh, just so you know, he signed his car over to me as collateral) and we had dinner and, just as I was feeling comfortable, his anxiety thing kicked in, and he freaked out at the idea that he had nagged me into giving him the money (which was going to be used for him to start getting a new life going which would include sobriety and eventually us living together)(so in some ways the money was for a common goal and a potentially positive thing for us). Well, with in two hours of getting here, he couldn't handle it anymore, and wanted to go back to his place, his guilt of getting the money out of, of bullying me and strong arming me into giving it to him, was overwhelming him, as well as feeling of inadequacies and fear of failure (perhaps he was craving now that he had money in his pocket but he didn't mention it).
SO we traded money for car title again and I took him home, and I had a big angry temper tantrum the whole way, crying and furious, I even hopped out of the car at one point, and I drove in this reckless fashion just desperately wanting to drive us into a concrete divider. and I realized that even when the alcohol and drugs are taken away our relationship and the things that go on it are no different, he takes off leaving me in the lurch when I need him, he can't get past his own problems to help me out, to care a bit for me (I even ended up cooking dinner, and here I have been miserable and crying non-stop since tuesday and was so drained).
UGH this whole thing is just useless...I just so desperately want him to feel my pain and to understand my anger, and he just retreats and takes off at the slightest show of it. I just want someone else to help me carry this load of mine (real or imagined but whatever it is I feel like I am being crushed under the weight of it).
I know, I know, can't expect and addict to be much of anything but a sometimes parasitic creature that sucks our strength and energy and resources from us...but hope springs eternal and I know he has all these good intentions -- stay sober and clean, be supportive emotionally and financially, and I keep thinking, maybe this time he will actually be able to pull it off.
sorry for the long miserable post, I just feel like i have no one else to talk to, no one else that has heard the whole story, no one else that understands just what is it to be in this stupid codependent relationship.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I am sorry for the way your feeling. I have been there and its not fun. The feeling of sadness and lonliness although u are with someone yet that someone isnt there. Maybe its time to focus on u your wants and needs and really find what will make u happy. Let him find his own happiness. Sounds really hard to do but in the end relying on him for happiness and to feel needed is just making u feel worse. I hope the anti depressants work. I have used them in the past and seemed to work and help me get out of the rut I was in. I just wanted to let u know I do understand and (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Honey I understand too. I can say first hand breaking up and considering it temporary helps your anxiety. So does antidepressants. I ahve general anxiety disorder with bipolar tendencies and I have been on every end of this thing. Anxiety increases when you are unhappy with your situation, and as ssad as it is, you are unhappy with this situation.
Im hear if you need to talk.
BTW, how well are you eating? That has a direct effect on how you feel. If you can get "Stress B Complex" from your pharmacy please do so. Incfreade your veggie and protein intake and try to cut the carbs you will feel better able to function, I promise.
Try to exercidse 15 minutes a day even if its just stretches. And if it sunny where you are sit in it for 5 to 10 minutes too, all these things help with anxiety
Im hear if you need to talk.
BTW, how well are you eating? That has a direct effect on how you feel. If you can get "Stress B Complex" from your pharmacy please do so. Incfreade your veggie and protein intake and try to cut the carbs you will feel better able to function, I promise.
Try to exercidse 15 minutes a day even if its just stretches. And if it sunny where you are sit in it for 5 to 10 minutes too, all these things help with anxiety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
I once read that you should take the amount of time you were happy in a relationship and double it and that will be the amount of time it takes to get out of it. SO by that calculation I only have about a month and a half to go.
I have never really included much about the abf's panic/anxiety disorder in my postings or in my head when I sit around and wonder about his behavior. In the beginning he would take off on me when he wanted to drink, then when he had his relapse it was when he wanted to use, but I would say that in the last few months, in addition to those times (which are generally combined) he has started taking off, just to go back home to the safety of his own place, and I guess that is because of the anxiety stuff and that makes me wonder how much the drinking and drug use had to do with that as well. He takes massive amounts of Klonopin for the anxiety, but of course when he drinks or uses he doesn't and that messes things up for him and results in his two day hiding out afterwards so that he can get his meds regulated again.
I guess I have to take that into account even more, to consider it more a part of his overall situation that I did in the past, I always focused so much on the problem being the drinking and drugs...
But, yeah, so many of the things that go through my head -- revenge or showing my pain-- are sick, like calling his dealers and getting drugs for myself and using them so that he will see what it is like to be on the other end. the fact is, with my history of seizures, I would probably start to seize and end up in a hospital, and then I imagine waking up and the fact that I went so far would show him something (what I am not sure???)
I think "why can't he be as attached to me as I am to him? Why can't he need me as much as I need him???" I come up with sick schemes to make him see that need and the pain of him not being with me with the fantasy that he will then just stop using, stop drinking, and move in and we can be a couple and sit around and watch TV in the evenings, and go to bed and talk, and plan some silly vacation for the summer...
But do I really want to start a serious relationship based on cajoling and begging and manipulating him into being with me??? In order to fuel my addiction (him) I think, what difference does it make as long as it gets me to my goal, but on the other hand I think "JEEZ this is just sick, sick, sick."
Why is it so easy for the addicts to walk away? why is it so easy for them to imagine a future with us, I mean if we are codependents then why aren't they just as attached to us???? I know, I know, the DOC is different for them. But you know, I don't even think this has so much to do with him preferring to drink or use, I actually don't even think that is his preference, but all his stupid intentions, and all his empty promises with no action to show he means it, just lead me to wonder if this is more about his anxiety disorder than anything else.
I have never really included much about the abf's panic/anxiety disorder in my postings or in my head when I sit around and wonder about his behavior. In the beginning he would take off on me when he wanted to drink, then when he had his relapse it was when he wanted to use, but I would say that in the last few months, in addition to those times (which are generally combined) he has started taking off, just to go back home to the safety of his own place, and I guess that is because of the anxiety stuff and that makes me wonder how much the drinking and drug use had to do with that as well. He takes massive amounts of Klonopin for the anxiety, but of course when he drinks or uses he doesn't and that messes things up for him and results in his two day hiding out afterwards so that he can get his meds regulated again.
I guess I have to take that into account even more, to consider it more a part of his overall situation that I did in the past, I always focused so much on the problem being the drinking and drugs...
But, yeah, so many of the things that go through my head -- revenge or showing my pain-- are sick, like calling his dealers and getting drugs for myself and using them so that he will see what it is like to be on the other end. the fact is, with my history of seizures, I would probably start to seize and end up in a hospital, and then I imagine waking up and the fact that I went so far would show him something (what I am not sure???)
I think "why can't he be as attached to me as I am to him? Why can't he need me as much as I need him???" I come up with sick schemes to make him see that need and the pain of him not being with me with the fantasy that he will then just stop using, stop drinking, and move in and we can be a couple and sit around and watch TV in the evenings, and go to bed and talk, and plan some silly vacation for the summer...
But do I really want to start a serious relationship based on cajoling and begging and manipulating him into being with me??? In order to fuel my addiction (him) I think, what difference does it make as long as it gets me to my goal, but on the other hand I think "JEEZ this is just sick, sick, sick."
Why is it so easy for the addicts to walk away? why is it so easy for them to imagine a future with us, I mean if we are codependents then why aren't they just as attached to us???? I know, I know, the DOC is different for them. But you know, I don't even think this has so much to do with him preferring to drink or use, I actually don't even think that is his preference, but all his stupid intentions, and all his empty promises with no action to show he means it, just lead me to wonder if this is more about his anxiety disorder than anything else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
HA, eating? crap, suggary comfort foods, exercise? almost non-existant...weather here is crap,
when I got involved with this guy I was 15 pounds lighter, exercised every day, and not in debt, now, almost 6000 bucks in debt, fatter, and sitting around eating ice cream all the time...some great relationship this has been, really positive huh?
when I got involved with this guy I was 15 pounds lighter, exercised every day, and not in debt, now, almost 6000 bucks in debt, fatter, and sitting around eating ice cream all the time...some great relationship this has been, really positive huh?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm so sorry that you are hurting, i don't want to hurt you more, and i do understand how you are feeling. i thought some of the same things as you, that's how i got addicted to crack in the first place. me doing drugs, to prove something to him only made it so much worse for me, so i DON'T agree that your drug use will help only hurt you.
now on from that, being a recovering addict, i can tell you that an addict will tell you just want you want to hear if it will get them what they want. you are supporting his habit as long as you are giving him money. there is no way that you can recieve the support that you are wanting or needing from him. i've been hoping and praying that my husband would be more considerate of my needs for 20 yrs, but it up to you how long you are willing to wait for your boyfriend to get serious about recovery and even then life will be basically all about him for awhile, and the best think for you maybe to focus more on what you can do for yourself and let him do the same. sometimes the more we help them the longer for them to want to help themselves. keeping you and yours in my prayers, i pray that you feel better soon and that your boyfriend finds his way soon too.
now on from that, being a recovering addict, i can tell you that an addict will tell you just want you want to hear if it will get them what they want. you are supporting his habit as long as you are giving him money. there is no way that you can recieve the support that you are wanting or needing from him. i've been hoping and praying that my husband would be more considerate of my needs for 20 yrs, but it up to you how long you are willing to wait for your boyfriend to get serious about recovery and even then life will be basically all about him for awhile, and the best think for you maybe to focus more on what you can do for yourself and let him do the same. sometimes the more we help them the longer for them to want to help themselves. keeping you and yours in my prayers, i pray that you feel better soon and that your boyfriend finds his way soon too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I'm also sorry that you are feeling this pain. I have also felt that same hopelessness. The "why even bother" type of pain. I think many of us here have felt it. We just go through it at different times here, that is how and why we can be of support to one another. It is your time to vent and our time to try to help in any way we can. Believe me, I have thought of driving my car into a brick wall before. But now I am glad that I didn't.
I now realize that I have more to live for than my addict. I couldn't see that at the time, but now I do and I'm glad the front of my car didn't meet the bricks!
You deserve to be happy.
I did find a difference when I started to take the B Complex Stress vitamins. You might give that a try.
We are your friends and we care about you. Don't forget that, OK?
Big Hugs to you.
Sometimes a found out that the "one day at a time" didn't get it with me. I had to go to the "one hour at a time" instead.
Love
Terri
I now realize that I have more to live for than my addict. I couldn't see that at the time, but now I do and I'm glad the front of my car didn't meet the bricks!
You deserve to be happy.
I did find a difference when I started to take the B Complex Stress vitamins. You might give that a try.
We are your friends and we care about you. Don't forget that, OK?
Big Hugs to you.
Sometimes a found out that the "one day at a time" didn't get it with me. I had to go to the "one hour at a time" instead.
Love
Terri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
oneeyeopen,
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I know that a brief time on antidepressants was what ended up doing the trick for me. I didn't need them forever -- just a while. It was like a room that opened up, and all of my fears and worries and anxieties were kept outside of its plexiglas walls....I could see them, but they weren't all over my back any more. I just needed them for a while, to make an oasis of peace in my head where I could really figure out what I wanted my life to be like.
Turns out, it was nothing like the life I was living. Nothing. Codependent, unfaithful addict mentally ill boyfriend, overweight, no fresh air or exercise, no money (because I gave it all to him), miserable at work, no friends, clinically depressed? This is why god put me here? To do this, to lay on the floor and whimper?
No, it slowly came to me that wasn't what I was put down here for. Took me forever to figure it out...I was like 40. It would've been sooooo much easier to just keep going the way I was, waiting for someone else to make me happy.
It took antidepressants to help untangle the wiring that was telling me that someone else's love and support was more important than loving and supporting myself. I hope soon you're able to focus on what you want enough to see that it's going to be worth the effort & the temporary suffering to get out of it.
It's going to take small, conscious efforts on your part. Go out, TODAY, and buy the vitamins that Cinderella suggests. She's dead right. That's all you have to do today, just that. Next week, try sitting in a patch of sunshine for five minutes every day. The next week, try adding something else....a walk down the block to the first telephone pole and back. Tiny steps.
You have to want to have a good strong happy life more than you want his attention, more than you want the drama. Do you?
Sending hugs and strength to you. I've been there and found my way out of the maze...hope you do too.
GiveLove
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I know that a brief time on antidepressants was what ended up doing the trick for me. I didn't need them forever -- just a while. It was like a room that opened up, and all of my fears and worries and anxieties were kept outside of its plexiglas walls....I could see them, but they weren't all over my back any more. I just needed them for a while, to make an oasis of peace in my head where I could really figure out what I wanted my life to be like.
Turns out, it was nothing like the life I was living. Nothing. Codependent, unfaithful addict mentally ill boyfriend, overweight, no fresh air or exercise, no money (because I gave it all to him), miserable at work, no friends, clinically depressed? This is why god put me here? To do this, to lay on the floor and whimper?
No, it slowly came to me that wasn't what I was put down here for. Took me forever to figure it out...I was like 40. It would've been sooooo much easier to just keep going the way I was, waiting for someone else to make me happy.
It took antidepressants to help untangle the wiring that was telling me that someone else's love and support was more important than loving and supporting myself. I hope soon you're able to focus on what you want enough to see that it's going to be worth the effort & the temporary suffering to get out of it.
It's going to take small, conscious efforts on your part. Go out, TODAY, and buy the vitamins that Cinderella suggests. She's dead right. That's all you have to do today, just that. Next week, try sitting in a patch of sunshine for five minutes every day. The next week, try adding something else....a walk down the block to the first telephone pole and back. Tiny steps.
You have to want to have a good strong happy life more than you want his attention, more than you want the drama. Do you?
Sending hugs and strength to you. I've been there and found my way out of the maze...hope you do too.
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Try setting some small goals for yourself. Maybe something as simple as a new hairdo. Try getting some exercise everyday. Put on some happy music and just dance. Also the anti-depressants take a while to kick in and you may have to try more than one in order to find the one that works best for you. Whatever you do, don't give up. Things will get better with time if you want them to. You will let him go when you are ready. You have more strenghth inside you than you are giving yourself credit for. Make lists of things you have to be thankful for and focus on those things rather than the negative. I know it is hard, but it really does help to fake it until you make it. Change your thoughts and the behaviors will follow. Take care of you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I learned early on that you can NEVER trust an addict or alcoholic for emotional or financial support. So, that was the 1st thing I gave up. I never expected a thing from my 1st husband. Then I found the man of my dreams. Hate to tell you...but his "anxiety attacks"....sound like an addict needing to use. My ex got that way & pretty soon he'd be off. As far as "money to build a future"....big laugh!!! In the 6 years with my ex, I went through well over $5,000 dollars, 3 vehicles, 4 hours a week visiting him when he was in jail & 1 arrest for letting him drive my car & 1 lawsuit because he gave my car to a drug dealer. I left him a year ago. But I've known him for 32 years. I left a year ago & it is still very hard. I have good days & bad days. And when you add all the other stressors to your life....it's dang hard. I'm right where you are. And there are days lately that I wonder why do I go on?? Then I hang in there one more day. And know it will get better.
Do not give that addict ONE more penny!!! Try this one...I did it with my ex the last 6 months we were together. When he starts whining & moaning....tell him "My Give A Damn's Busted".
Lynne
Do not give that addict ONE more penny!!! Try this one...I did it with my ex the last 6 months we were together. When he starts whining & moaning....tell him "My Give A Damn's Busted".
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
OneEyeOpen I am so sorry your are feeling so so down. I can't expound anymore on the valuable advice already given to you by the others but I will send you a ((HUG)) & a prayer that you feel better soon.
Peace
Peace
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
oneeye...
oh, honey...i so understand what you are feeling. the way you describe it brings me right back to my darker moments before leaving my exah. i just felt so defeated and so friggin' trapped.
your problems may seem overwhelming when you look at them all together but all you have to do right now is focus on ONE DAY at a time. Heck, focus on a 1/2 a day if you have to. Each day...try to ask yourself what ONE THING...just one...can you do to take your life in a different direction. You don't have to tackle all of it at once.
I tried this...and I never thought I'd escape the dark place I was in...but I was surprised to see how one simple thing led to another. Things have a way of gaining momentum as time goes by. They just do.
And...I don't know how spiritual you are...but I gotta say...somedays I just handed everything up to my HP and asked me to carry me...and HE did...He always did...He carried me right out of the muck and He'll carry you too. Don't be afraid to hand all of this up, oneeye...Your HP is ready and waiting to help you. Don't forget that, okay?
Hugs and strength...
oh, honey...i so understand what you are feeling. the way you describe it brings me right back to my darker moments before leaving my exah. i just felt so defeated and so friggin' trapped.
your problems may seem overwhelming when you look at them all together but all you have to do right now is focus on ONE DAY at a time. Heck, focus on a 1/2 a day if you have to. Each day...try to ask yourself what ONE THING...just one...can you do to take your life in a different direction. You don't have to tackle all of it at once.
I tried this...and I never thought I'd escape the dark place I was in...but I was surprised to see how one simple thing led to another. Things have a way of gaining momentum as time goes by. They just do.
And...I don't know how spiritual you are...but I gotta say...somedays I just handed everything up to my HP and asked me to carry me...and HE did...He always did...He carried me right out of the muck and He'll carry you too. Don't be afraid to hand all of this up, oneeye...Your HP is ready and waiting to help you. Don't forget that, okay?
Hugs and strength...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I've always loved Jo Dee Messina & that song was perfect for my situation when it came out. And my ex had NO clue how to respond to that one. It shut him up.
How dare "good old Lynne" NOT care......
How dare "good old Lynne" NOT care......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i can feel your pain. stay in this minute if you have to, to make it thru a day.i am glad you are going to the dr. i hope he can give you something to make you feel better.you really need to take care of yourself & hands off the addict,he is destroying you.i care i really do & you come "talk"whenever you have the need.prayers for you & bigs hugs, hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
So sorry for your troubles--try an d stay strong--good you are seeing a Doctor-that may help you lessen the anxiety you are feeling.
The older we get the clearer it becomes that our lives are just a blink of an eye-and our world is a small one.Thats why I hate to see anyone waste it--it is too precious.
Driving--that is my concern--driving while you are in a melt down and not caring if you are driving reckless or hit a tree--as you said---that worries me--next time--try and remind yourself that the other people on the road may still want to live--you could ruin that for them...
The older we get the clearer it becomes that our lives are just a blink of an eye-and our world is a small one.Thats why I hate to see anyone waste it--it is too precious.
Driving--that is my concern--driving while you are in a melt down and not caring if you are driving reckless or hit a tree--as you said---that worries me--next time--try and remind yourself that the other people on the road may still want to live--you could ruin that for them...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 25
Offering my support. I went to get evaluated for depression/anxiety last week. I felt so relieved after the appointment was done. It made me feel less dependent on my ABF. My particular prescription was for an antidepressant and a different kind of therapy more suited for generalized anxiety disorder.
I can relate to the driving crazy, and just wanting to hurt yourself. It scared me when I felt that way. I know about the weariness about just giving them the damn money so they will stop bothering you.
If you feel really overwhelmed, think about going to the emergency room. Even if you are not suicidal, or as bad as you feel you should be. If you can't get into the neurologist until next week, the emergency room psychiatrist could start you on something sooner. OR, call the neurologist and tell them it is an emergency. Your symptoms are urgent and distressing and you deserve treatment now. (These are just suggestions, take what you want and leave the rest.)
I can relate to the driving crazy, and just wanting to hurt yourself. It scared me when I felt that way. I know about the weariness about just giving them the damn money so they will stop bothering you.
If you feel really overwhelmed, think about going to the emergency room. Even if you are not suicidal, or as bad as you feel you should be. If you can't get into the neurologist until next week, the emergency room psychiatrist could start you on something sooner. OR, call the neurologist and tell them it is an emergency. Your symptoms are urgent and distressing and you deserve treatment now. (These are just suggestions, take what you want and leave the rest.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Robot mode. Depression follows. I know this pattern. In fact, I could have written all your posts as my story execpt for some of the tiny details. Thanks so much for writing it all down. I don't seem to have the strength at the moment. The answers and your openness have helped me too. I like the idea of getting a little bit of time in my plexiglass box to decide how I want to live - without all the anxiety. I will to and get some antidepressants tomorrow. Thank you SOOOOO much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
(((oneeye)))
Just thinking about you and your post.
I hope you are having a better day today!
You posted what so many of us have felt or are feeling now. It helps to know we are not alone in this struggle.
Big hugs to you.
Praying today is better for you.
Terri
Just thinking about you and your post.
I hope you are having a better day today!
You posted what so many of us have felt or are feeling now. It helps to know we are not alone in this struggle.
Big hugs to you.
Praying today is better for you.
Terri
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