Grace

Got my stitches out yesterday. There is still alot of fluid build-up in my breast, but it will eventually re-absorb into the tissues. He told me that I have to take it easy for awhile, but how on earth am I supposed to move and take it easy at the same time?

I loaded up my mom's SUV the other day and I'm sure the doctor would have been upset. I want to get the rest of my things out of there asap, but I don't have anyone to help me, and I can't do any heavy lifting. I'll probably have to hire a moving company. Do they provide boxes? I may sound naive, but my family helped me out the last time that I left this Abf and I think they're fed up with me. Honestly....I don't blame them. It will all work out though.

I'm not sure what this ex-A is up to. I still have sooooo many things in his house. He has been taking off a lot of work lately and is fixing up the house. He's doing ALL the things that he didn't work on before because he was too busy drinking with his drinking buddies. He has made a lot of changes. I don't know if he's making these changes to impress me or tell me good riddens. I'm pretty confused about this one. I have no intention of going back, but I sure would like to know WHY he is doing these things NOW!

Do you guys think I'm safe going there when he's at home? What's he up to?

Thanks!
Grace

HolyQow

I think you are taking on too much too soon. Yes, call a mover. Yes they bring their own boxes. Tell them to pack EVERYTHING.... including the toilet paper and light bulbs. (just kidding).

Take some time to rest up. AFTER you have recovered in a few weeks, you can take the sheriff with you if you think it will be a problem, to remove all of your belongings.

Glad surgery went ok.... but if you don't take the time to heal, you will end up right back in the hospital. Doc's orders...rest.

My guess on ex fixing the house up: he is going to try to borrow MORE money and needs the house appraised. Just a guess, but since the atm machine (you) is gone, he needs a new source of income.

ICU

I can understand you being curious as to what he's up to, and why? But, don't let that distract you from what 'you' are up to, and the reasons why!

If you don't feel safe going back to get your stuff by yourself, trust your gut and don't do it alone. In light of your physical state right now, I wouldn't do it alone anyway.

Grace

I know that I'm trying to do too much too soon, but I just want to get this over with. I want to get my stuff out of there, and put this all behind me. It hurts every time that I have to walk into the house, and see the dogs, and even hear his voice. I would be lying if I said that it didn't. He will find someone else to fill my shoes, and honestly I don't care. I know that he will treat her the same way.

I love my mother; she has lived alone for 18 years and has been wanting me to move in for quite awhile. She uses a walker and is very dependent on others. I sympathize with her for this, BUT she has a very strong tendency to crave attention and be manipulative. She has a heart of gold, but she has been addicted to pain killers and food for as long as I can remember. She doesn't do anything to get herself better. I know that I can't control her anymore than I can control the alcoholic. She knows that what she's eating is killing her (diabetes, colitis, food allergies), BUT the food tastes better than the consequences. Forgive me! I truly do love my mother and I feel safe here.

I was just allowed to start driving again yesterday, but I am still limited on my lifting. Not more than 20 lbs. My mother has made arrangements for me to take her for a hearing test today, then to Wal-mart, then she wants to get new eyeglasses, and her eyes are fine. My mother is a large woman and needs to use a scooter in the stores and a walker at the other places. Obviously, I am the one who has to get her in and out of the vehicle. I think it is too much right now, and if I say anything to her....she starts crying or stops speaking to me. Yes, I know that I'm safe from abuse here, BUT I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again. Before, my brother and sister helped out with running her around, but now that I'm living here, it seems to have been put completely on me. I can understand why they think I should be doing it all, BUT....I just wish they'd help out while I'm recuperating.

I need to stop worrying about what the ex-A is up to. I know that. Those are just THINGS that are in that house, but there are a lot of things that have sentimental value that I want out. Things that can't be replaced. I don't think he'd destroy anything, BUT I never thought he'd push me out again either.

Thanks for the continued support and advice here.
I honestly don't know what I'd do with my SR friends.
Grace

ICU

Have you explained your lifting limitations to your siblings? Perhaps they don't understand and you could explain it to them like you did here.

mallowcup

I guess I'd advise you to direct some of your concern toward yourself right now.
With the course of your new life, what is your business and what isn't?
What he's doing to his house would fall where on your list of priorities? Is what he is doing to his house effect any part of your life what so ever?
If you move in with your mother, you accept her help on her terms. This could be good incentive to stay with her temporarily.
Maybe your mother is trying to fill your days with something other than him, especially since your family may be fed up with it.
I think we underestimate just how much stress our relationships bring to those who love us.
We couldn't possible know if it is safe for you to go to his house alone, we don't know him. You haven't suggested that he's tried to stop you or intimidate you so far.
As far as the surgery, I'm sure the doctor gave you good teaching regarding any possible consequences to not following instructions. Your body usually tells you when you are overdoing it.
I would suggest you slow down and really ask yourself if this is all so urgent.
Good Luck.

fluffyflea

Grace,

He's fixing up the house to play another gam eof manipulation with you.

Don't bother with him, just carry on with your life and take care of yourself.

Can you explain to your siblings that you can't be taking full care of your Mom?

Earthworm

Nuudawn

First things first. You've gotten great advice here...and the underlying message in all is take care of yourself first. Boundaries are so very difficult to assert when we are not familiar with doing so. Unless you tell you're mother what is not good for you and stick by it, you suffer the consequences. For whatever reason, the physical consequences are easier for you to endure than your mother's disappointment (her tears or upset). If you push yourself physically too hard, you will end up possibly incapacitated so that you simply CAN'T do things for her. Is that really the price you want to pay for not being able to speak up for yourself and enduring the self centred disappointment of others.

Like you said about your mother "the food tastes better than the consequences"...with you, your physical pain and sacrifice is easier to endure than the consequences of what others think or feel towards you.

Sunflower

don't try to do too much--and like posted above you might want to explain to your siblings your health situation--pesonally I think it is much easier to ue a mover--they do it all and fast-you only have to pack-nothing else.
Living with mom will make your mind become more occupied with other things besides what''he is doing'' I live with my mom and you will have to set some boundries. But you are SAFE with her and t sounds like she needs you and your company....it's funny how once you move in with your mom your siblings decide they no longer have any responcibility...once all the moving is done etc...make sure you make it clear to them that your mom still needs their help as well....best of luck

Grace

I had a busy day today with mom, but I explained to her that there has to be some limitations. I'm tired and I'm sore. I definitely need to apply my alanon now. At least she's not a mean drunk! Thank God for that!
My siblings know what my lifting limitations are. They are busy with their own lives, and my sister is one of my ex-A's drinking buddies. I hope that this doesn't cause us problems again. I'm somewhat prepared for it though. She stood beside him the other times and I know she will again. Booze is thicker than blood for alcoholics. That may sound harsh, but I've found it to be true!

A close friend of mine thinks that he is fixing up the house to try and lure me back. I don't really care what his motives are, BUT here's where I need help. He is under the impression that I am just here at my mom's while recuperating. He has called here several times asking me why I took this and why I took that. I just tell him that they are things that I need. I haven't told him YET that I'm not coming back. Is that wrong? I mean, he has treated me like sh*t for years, and my reasons for not telling him are self-serving. That is why I want to wait until I've healed up enough to hire a moving company and get everything out in one quick trip. Perhaps in another week, I will be strong enough to start packing things up. I think I'll have most of the things put into storage and just have the main necessities brought to my mom's.

Sunflower! You seem very happy and well-adjusted being with your mother. I don't plan on being here permanently, but I also don't want to damage our relationship. I love her very much, but she has been addicted to pain pills and food for as long as I can remember. The big difference here is that I know she would never do anything to hurt me. My siblings have wanted me to move in here for quite awhile. We've shared the responsibilities for years, and I could really use their help right now. When I'm stronger, physically and emotionally, I will discuss this with both of them. Thanks to everyone for your help again.

Should I be honest with him NOW and tell him that I'm not coming back OR should I just keep him on hold until I'm able to hire a moving company?
I'm not asking you to make my decisions for me here, but I've never been in a situation quite like this. I'm not getting any help from my family this time.

Thanks!
Grace

socalgal

I'd wait until you are ready to get everyting out and be done in one fell swoop. Why give him warning? I think you have the advantage if you wait.
Somehow, this sounds safer to me.


This, of course, is just my gut feeling.

Good luck with whatever you decide. And please, as all the others have urged you, take care of your health first. Your stuff can wait.


-K

lilac

Be careful, I would not tell him you are not coming back until you have all the stuff out of the house that you need to. The less he knows, the safer for you. I am proud of you, you are doing good. Just remember to take care of yourself ! Don't want to hurt your body while it is healing.

Sunflower

you are spending too much time worrying about HIM and not YOU!!!!

yes my mother has been a lifesaver for me.I was only married for 3 years at 21 I was divorced..I lived home with my parents whle I went to college to get a good career. It was very difficult at times--2 moms in one house is not always the best lol..but that was in my 20s---everything is difficult in your 20s lol---I rented a house for me and my son for years then when My father died I moved back hom--by then I was in my mid 30s and had mellowed-plus my son was older.
Now I am ready to turn 50 and have spent most of my life with mom--it worked out good because we don't have to worry about money or look for someone to help us cause we do that for each other.Now that I am sick-unfortunately she does a lot for me I worry about what my AS has put her through--she has been watching all this and helping in anyway she can.
She is like his other mother--sounds strange but it is true and it doesnt bother me in the least....