laketime

Ok Im An Idiot Again. As Has Been Home Almost Two Weeks. We Let Him Come Back Because He Said This Was His Bottom. He Would Never Use Again. Boundaries To Come Back Were No Using, No Seeing 15yr Old Agf, Or Any Other Using Buddies. Hes Twenty, And Meetings, He Quacked That He Wanted To Do At Least 4 Per Week. Also He Would Find An Oxford House. Well He Maybe Went To Three Meetings Total. He Did Call 4 Oxford Houses And Quacked He Was Going To Apply To One In Mertyle Beach This Week. They Have Their House Meetings And Acceptance Vote This Comming Sunday. We Live In Tennesse, Thats About 8 Hours Away. Anyway, I Said Ok And Offered To Pay For The Transportaion And 1 Months Rent. Saturday Night He Didnt Call Or Come Home Until 8:30 Am, Sunday Morning. He Went Back To Agf's Friend Apartment To "talk " To Her. "to Tell Her Goodbye" He Stayed There All Night . Three Users Live There In A One Bedroom. Quacked He Didnt Use. I Said It Dosent Matter Youve Broken A Lot Of Boundaries And You Have To Leave. Well Its Easter, His Brothers Are Home From College, Theres A Family Function After Church, Blah, Blah, Blah, So I Reconsider, And Give One More , One More Chance, But Were Going To An Oxford House First Available Period. He Said Ok Its A Deal. Goes To Church, Goes To Reunion, Goes To Do An Odd Job For A Friend. Doesnt Come Home Again, All Night, Back To 15yr Old Afg's Crack Apartment Or Whatever It Is. I Don't See Where We Have Any Choice But To Lock Him Out Again. This Is Insane. There Is No Way He Can Afford Gas Money Anywhere, To Any Oxford House. But I Cant See A Way I Can Go Back And Help Him Anymore Without Geeting In The Way Of His Bottom. I Dont Think I Can Do Like Before Wait A Month And Let Him In. I Think This Has To Be The Last Time. Ive Said That Before Though. Any Suggestions?

hope213

say what you mean & mean what you say. he can figure out what to do if it is really waht HE wants to do.i am really sorry for all of this. my prayers are for you & for him too. i know this is tough. we want so much for our children.hugs,hope

teke

i agree with hope, addicts are very resourceful, when he's ready, he'll figure out a way, even if you don't help at all, he's a big boy and will figure out how to take care of himself just as he figures out how to get his drugs. sorry that you are going through all of this, it takes time, but sounds like you are ready to do what you know you need to do for you and your sanilty. keeping all of you in my prayers and i pray that your son finds his way soon.

parentrecovers

oh laketime, i am so sorry that you continue to be tested. i will pray for your family. it's very difficult to let them fall, i understand that. maybe he just isn't ready yet? blessings, k

lostparent

Your NOT I repeat NOT an idiot !!! just a parent that wants very much for their child to get well..

thejunkyswife

It's so hard not to believe the lies, and it's so tempting to beat yourself up when you do. Beating yourself up doesn't help anything, though--all the actions we take when we're living with addicts come from a place of deep love, so even if we make mistakes, they're coming from a good place.

Louise54

Your not an idiot. I used to give my son money all the time, (for cigarettes, haircuts, etc). Never through him out until 5 weeks ago and counting. As said he wanted to come home a couple of times, but we told him not until I'm sure he hasn't been using. My husband thinks we should give about 6 months to a year. I think that might be a little harsh, but he may be right. Son has a job right now, and living with a friend, but as soon as he has money in his pocket, that's when he uses again. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but not holding my breath.

Good luck and stay strong.

laketime

at least he has a job my as hasnt been able to hold one of those. we feel sorry for him and he sucks us in. we read these post and stickys and al anon and we believe, we buy in to detachment, and no codependency and then hes says bottom i want to come home, ill be clean, no more, and then the uncertanity sets in and we make a bad decision and then well feel awful, then we make the mistake all over again. its a vicious cycle and i just dont know if i can ever let him come here to live. if he gets clean he can visit. its just that he dosent have very many tools, hs drop out, hes been using since 15, so even if hes 20 his maturity level is 15, its hard not to worry if he can ever do it. but i know i cant do it for him. we just need someon else to tell us i guess

mooselips

Laketime,
Well hugs to you, my friend.
Don't be thinking you're crazy for believing those lies that your son has come up with, I've done it too many times to count! Our addicts are slick little critters, and they have very fine tuning when it comes to manipulation, and making friends, and family feel sympathy towards them.

I know at our home, I was the enabler, while my hubby wanted the sons kicked to the curb. (hubby won that round, and life became peaceful)

It's pretty simple, he can't abide by your rules, and boundaries, he's got to go. Easy to say, I know, hard to do.
And meetings...try to get to meetings, they really, really help!

My heart hurts for you, I know what you're going through....
Hugs,

dollydo

I understand how you feel, however, you are not helping him by setting bounderies and not keeping them. Did you read what I posted a week or so about enabling parents, if not,please read it, it may help you understand how damaging what you are doing is to the addict.

Time to be strong and stick to your guns, for him.

Set your bounderies and stick to them. Worrying does not help, it only drags you down, believe me he is not worried about you and what you are doing.

Hugs,
Dolly

Barbdee

He has to be 30 days clean to get into an Oxford House. If he can get to that point and get accepted, then they will take over. They "know" quacking way before you or I would, they even know semi-quacking...just made up a new word to get my point across.
The big plus is the relief that the parents get...they don't have to even wonder anymore, since the house guys would catch any using way before we would be able to do so. They are all experts at manipulating, lying, making excuses, and in general, "quacking". And the Oxford house guys know that.
If he can get himself into a house, they are their own keepers and you can finally relax a bit. You certainly can't do it with him living with you. Addicts are way too resourceful to get things by us, but not the other recovering addicts. They'd be onto him in a second.
Lake, please believe me, you can't do it yourself...I have tried so hard and failed, repeatedly.
And if he gets in...front his first month rent. That money was worth more than all the thousands we spent on rehabs.
Good luck, SM

laketime

i would gladly front the rent and transportaiton secret, thats why we let him back in last time just long enough to find a house. we were helping him look. i think this time he will have to do it himself, find a house, apply, get accepted, and ill pay the house. my omly concern is he has no money, no job, and not much motivation to look for one now. but he screwed that up not us. i just wish he hadnt

parentrecovers

yes laketime, there are consequences. he will learn that when he is ready. if we could save them from themselves, we would. but we can't. it hurts, i know.

he knows you're there for him. you've done an excellent job of showing your love and support.

blessings, k

cinderellawkids

Laketime,

Me, and MY MIL are dealing with similar issues with my husband (24) and his brother (26). They have a place to stay but no food or water and power due to be turned off. Its taking us supporting each other not to help them this time, its been too much. MIL wishes she's done this previously as rehabs jail ect nothing worked, and yes mentally due to drugs they are like 15. They are survivors they will work it out and so will your son

Ann

I had to put my son out far too many times. I must have given him 50 "one more chance's" before I reached my "enough" point and just could not live like that one more day.

Never forget that they can find their drug any time they want it, put them alone in the desert and they can still find their drug. So know that they can also find a detox, rehab or Oxford House all by themselves if they want it.

Anytime I put my son out, I gave him a list of detox's and rehabs with phone numbers and contacts. The rest was his choice and I didn't wear the guilt.

Good luck. You are doing what most of us moms have all had to do and it isn't a good feeling but neither is living with an active addict.

Hugs

laketime

Thanks Ann

I Gave Him Lists Last Time, If He Hasnt Ditched Them, Who Knows

sun daisy

If you can find a half-way house, mission, homeless shelter for him have him go there. Our son is in one that has very firm rules to follow also. Told him to go there, we drove him. This is his last chance. We just have stick to it. He seems pretty happy with it. Some times they need a place to stay with rules that don't come from the parents. We hope this works for him. At least it is peaceful at home. You might try to find a place like that for him and give him his last chance. Good Luck

devastated

Believe me you are not an idiot! You are just like the rest of us mom's, you love your child. I cannot tell you how many times I have said "OK, last chance!" Yeah, right, until next time.

It isn't an easy task to turn your back on your children. We all have to work really hard to reach that saturation point. It has taken me years. I think our children know when we finally do mean what we say.

My son is 44 years old, presently in prison with 2 years yet to serve, and he is already trying to prime me for when he is released to live with us. I wrote and said that is not even an option. I also reminded him how miserable he was when he did that last time, and so was I. He never asked me again. He is in the process of making plans to go to a halfway house when he gets out.

I do believe now that the sooner we let go, the better the chances for their recovery.

Believe me, they know how to survive!

Hang in there, Hugs, Devastated

BigSis

Maybe he's getting in the way of YOUR bottom?

I know I did like the other moms above.... over and over and over. Until I just couldn't do it again. Even then, it wasn't for "me", but was for the sake of my kid. She could NOT stay sober in our home. That boundary, no matter what I told her, was really for her sake, not mine.

Do what you can, when you can. There is no test... no pass/fail. We all learn it "emotionally" when we do.

You and he are in my prayers. (((Hugs)))