Language of Letting Go - April 9
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - April 9
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing Gods will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because its our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove were worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing Gods will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because its our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove were worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NSW
Posts: 2,907
beautifull
Dear Ann,
Read your post and was really moved. I have definately given for the wrong reasons. All the reasons listed at one time or another. I am SO glad to hear balance will come. I'm going to read the book. I'm sober five months now, and I feel 100% better than my active using days.
Thanks again.
Read your post and was really moved. I have definately given for the wrong reasons. All the reasons listed at one time or another. I am SO glad to hear balance will come. I'm going to read the book. I'm sober five months now, and I feel 100% better than my active using days.
Thanks again.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too was the "giver" and "caretaker" far too often in my life.
Where I found the line between enabling and just being a nice person came was with my motives. If I gave with any expectations or as a means to manipulate the outcome, or if I gave out of guilt, it was probably not healthy for me or for the receiver of my gifts.
If I gave what I could afford to give, financially and emotionally, because it made me feel good and if it did not do for someone else what they should be doing for themselves, then it was probably just a nice thing to do.
Who knew that giving and caretaking would be something within myself that I would need to examine closely to stay on my path of recovery?
Hugs
Where I found the line between enabling and just being a nice person came was with my motives. If I gave with any expectations or as a means to manipulate the outcome, or if I gave out of guilt, it was probably not healthy for me or for the receiver of my gifts.
If I gave what I could afford to give, financially and emotionally, because it made me feel good and if it did not do for someone else what they should be doing for themselves, then it was probably just a nice thing to do.
Who knew that giving and caretaking would be something within myself that I would need to examine closely to stay on my path of recovery?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 16
WOW, WOW and WOW!
Ann your post totally hit the nail on the head.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
For so long I felt I HAD to be there, HAD to give, only to be used by my ex- ABF which left me feeling used. The line in bold above from what you posted really is a great place to focus from.
Thanks so much for the post.
Ann your post totally hit the nail on the head.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
For so long I felt I HAD to be there, HAD to give, only to be used by my ex- ABF which left me feeling used. The line in bold above from what you posted really is a great place to focus from.
Thanks so much for the post.
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