StarGazer6

Is it possible for an addict to stay clean when other people have put him into rehab? I feel like I need to vent. I keep hearing that it needs to be the addict's decision to quit and I really don't think he has had enough yet. It's been almost a month since my ex has been off vicodin, coke, and crack but he wants to go back to selling weed and I know that in itself will probably lead to failure. He's probably afraid of letting go of the power he felt he had when he was dealing and scared of becoming an average person and not the guy who can get things anymore. It probably makes him feel inadequate- I don't know. He's been attending meetings Tuesdays and Thursdays with drug testing and has two more weeks to go. It seems like he just went along with the intervention but doesn't really intend to keep drugs out of his life. He seems to think that he can be around it and have restraint. I know that ultimately it would lead to other drugs again. I know I worry too much. It sucks that even though he's going through this recovery I still feel like he's lying to me. Expectations of him are higher now b/c he's admitted he has a problem and disease but I'm afraid he's going to fail and then he won't want to know me anymore or really talk to me b/c he'll feel like a failure and ashamed and just want to be around people who won't give him a hard time and will be okay with his behavior. I feel so shut out even though I know I'm really not missing out on much anymore. I'm at the point of never calling him again, maybe I just don't want to not call him again so that he won't make me feel rejected anymore. I don't want his drama anymore, I don't want to hear about him being sick all the time!!!!

teke

i know that its hard to accept but you sure sound good to me, in a way, try re reading your own post and see how it sounds to you. be back to comment gotta go, sorry.

rahsue

since I just watched it I would suggest trying to catch the show "addiction" on hbo it answered alot of uestions I had but still come in here because this is the best support. lots of smart people here!!!

teke

ok, sorry, i re read your post and i do understand your concerns, you have a lot of strong feelings about this, i was told to follow my gut feelings, that normally they are true, not saying that it has to be this way, it could just be you projecting too much into the situation. what helped me when i was so confused as to what to believe, i made a decision to believe what i thought cause i was tired of wondering and worring. i decided that i was gonna except what i thought and i decided that i was gonna work on getting through all of what i thought whether it was true or not.

maybe it time to totally turn the focus onto you. i know its hard and its a lot of work, but you can do it. let your bf figure out his own life. as for you, try to decide what you want your life to look like in the near future, with or without your bf and work toward that goal.

try if you can to not allow yourself to even think about him for a few hrs at a time, you'll see the more you try not to think about him the less you find yourself thinking about him. do something that will help you not to focus on him and his recovery. have you gone to any meetings yet.

oneeyeopen

In the above mentioned HBO show one of the docs said that family interventions are very successful (didn't mention how success was measured though).

I think that there is this very prevalent, accepted, idea that addicts have to hit bottom and get the help themselves, but sometimes I think that addicts can be so far out and away that they are in fact helpless to help themselves. It seems to me very possible that there are plenty of addicts that, if given that first leg up, would get into recovery and stick with it.

the problem is, a lot of us have leant a helping hand and just had it bitten off so many times that we have lost patience or moved on, or the trust is so eroded, or we are destitute ourselves, that we no longer have the will or the way to offer any help.

Who knows what is right? I certainly don't. I guess what ultimately ends up working is what is right, and you won't know that until it actually works and the addict can look back on it and say "it was because of X"

StarGazer6

No f2f meetings yet. It's so tiring worrying about something that is so out of my control. i wish I could look into the future and know that for us not to be together is right for me and my life. I know it's true that this is a progressive disease-- I NEVER thought he would do CRACK- of all things! The funny thing is that when I told my best friend she said to me "are you really that surprised?". I know it's true that if he goes back to using then that is the life I would be living with him and most likely it's not going to get better any time soon even though he's in recovery- I think to myself that he needs to be sober for quite a long time- more than one month-- for me to be convinced.

Even if we ever did get back together, I don't think I could ever trust him again, it scares me to think of all the possibilities when he was using crack-- from what I've heard, people will do absolutely crazy things to get it. I can't believe this is the same person I fell in love with. Before he told me that he was going to go back to selling the other day I actually had high hopes for him but I can't admire someone who's so afraid to work a full-time job. To him, a FT job means death, well practically. What kind of a role model is that for me or future kids? Is it realistic to think that he may actually change that mindset one day?

nogard

if he is smoking dope he is in active addiction, does not matter if he is not using his DOC.

No one could make me stop and stay stopped (stying stopped is the issue!) I was locked in prisons and asylums and it made no difference until I wanted to quit. I have not seen any addict stay stopped in this way.

Kevin

dollydo

Planning on having children with an addict, I don't get it. They will become innocent victims of your bad decisions.

Is it realistic to think he may actually change that mindset one day...the answer is No, unless he fully 100% embraces recovery and gets out of the drug scene, selling Pot sends out red flags, pay attention to them.

He needs to be totally sober for at least a year, to even be slightly convinced that he has found his way out of addiction.

Slow down, keep your eyes and ears open, and trust your gut, it will never lie to you.

Move forward with your life, he will do what he will do, and you have no control over him, the only person you can control is you.

StarGazer6

Just to clarify, he's NOT smoking pot, never really liked it, he's going to start SELLING it again. He does't view it as a drug really, kind of ridiculous, huh? It really is a gateway to everything else. If he sells pot again, no doubt he will again start doing all of the drugs he likes. And don't worry, I'm NOT going to have kids w/ him, I was just saying if I did that it would be bad. That was what ultimately made me begin to realize about a half year ago that I can't be with him anymore. I love him soooo much and I feel so cheated, I had love in my grasp and now it's gone. Friends around me are getting married and/or having kids and I'm starting to feel left out. I know he loves me too but this can't go on anymore. If he calls me back, which he probably will, I'm not sure if I'll talk to him again. I want to say I won't and that I really really don't need him anymore but I can't say for sure what I will do. I get sick of hearing about all of his ailments and it makes me resentful that he doesn't baby me anymore and it's always about all the bs he's going through, he's always looking for sympathy and isn't someone for me to lean on anymore. Pretty sad huh?

nogard

Your right its insane and yep he will pick up.

I feel for you, but is the person you love actually there?

Kevin

dollydo

I did understand he was not smoking it, he was just going to deal it. And you are right, just being around the people he will sell the drug to will lead to relapse. It has to happen.

Each of us finds their own life at their own speed...when it is time, you too will get married and have children, if, this is what you want. Life is not a race, ahorse who gets out of the starting gate first, doesn't always win the race.

Baby yourself, you don't need him to do that...

kj0975

I agree with all the doubt and not knowing what the future holds with this relationship is hard to deal with and understand. I used to date a person who sold drugs and I hate drugs. I was totally clueless about it until someone slipped in front of me. I was angry hurt and shocked. I told him to stop. There is just something that he couldnt walk away from. He liked the power he had. The money was good too. I in no way ever condoned it I dont know if he is selling or not now. Its all about the power and being king pin. It was harder for him to stop that than it was to walk away from it. But like any good business person he never touched anything cause if he did it was taking money out of his pocket taking away his profit so it was all business. Addicts who use harder drugs dont look at pot as a drug well not as bad as all the other drugs. He used to say well if they dont get it from me they will get it from someone else. Like he knew the addicts would just go somewhere else so why not take their money so someone else doesnt take it.

I used to have a friend who would sleep with married men why cause she said if it wasnt with her it would be with someone else so why should she miss out. The mindset of people I dont understand.

I had to break up with this person cause it was against all my morals. He was the person who kept these people addicts breaking up homes and slowly killing people. I couldnt accept that and I know I never would.

The money and power are the addiction when selling. Last I heard this person is working an actual job maybe the guilt of destroying lives finally got the best of him. Plus the way he was raised this is all he knew how to do. I wish u luck and now I am engaged to a great guy who is a hard worker and works for every dollar doesnt do drugs no more worrying about the next relapse or worrying about getting busted or anything its nice. I can see a future here hell maybe kids (doubtful) but who knows our future is wide open and full of possibilties. Do what u have to do for yourself.

I know its harder to walk away than it is to stay sometime. They become our addiction and its hard to stop it. Once u decide what u want to do I hope its whatever will make u happy and know there is someone else out there that can make u happier and who isnt an addict and u wont have to worry about his next relapse or if he'll get busted if he got busted for it in the house guess what I got busted too and I hated drugs I hated the dealing I hated the life style I hated living in that fear. Even if u dont do it and have nothing to do with it remember u can get in trouble too I missed if u lived together or not. Scary thought.

I made a list weighing the positives and negatives. The positive list was somewhat well alot smaller from the negatives. The next thing I did was write a list about what I wanted out of life and how many things that this person would support me in. Well my want list was longer than what he could support and help me fulfill my wants and needs and dreams. Give it a shot u might be suprised when u can only write a handful of positives and a loooonnng lists of negatives take a good look at it annalyze it and see what u come up with.

That really helped me realize that this relationship was going now where of what I wanted it to go. Especially when I wrote what I wanted in my future and what this person could help me with. Mentally physically spritually. Let me know what u come up with. Its so hard when u have to make these choices it hurts alot and takes alot of time to get over it and the let go of the what ifs....... Sometimes thats so hard to let go of. Good luck to u

BigSis

So he thinks he might, but he isn't sure about staying sober. He probably will pick up, but he might not.

Sounds like you are as uncertain in YOUR recovery as he is in HIS.

We anons are very much like the addicts we love.

They lie - won't use again, won't go missing again, won't see those people again.
We lie - won't be left again, won't take you back again, won't do this again.

Someone asked me if *I* was working a recovery program as strong as I expected the addicts in my life to work one. Sadly, the answer was a clear and resounding.... no.

I changed that... in part, thinking I would set a great example for them to follow (grin... NOT!), but in the long run, *I* benefited from it.

You might consider some Alanon meetings. They helped me very much. Naranon or CODA meetings would work well, too.

((hugs))

lil516

you've gotten a lot of good advice here...

I have seen so much sorrow as a result of drugs that I have no tolerance for anyone willing to deal it...

aside from the fact that it is a relapse waiting to happen, it demonstrates that the addict has not accepted the fact that recovery depends on a new set of choices and a new lifestyle...

and what about all the potential addicts he is affecting/creating???

sorry....but I despise drugs I have no tolerance for the dealers

marle

I guess what it comes down to is what you want out of life. What are your values and are you willing to accept less to stay with him. If you stay with him are you condoning his dealing drugs. I don't know about you, but this would be a deal breaker in my books, even if it is "just" pot. That pot could be making its way to someone in elementary school. You are young and with time you will bounce back from this relationship. Just remember some people come into your life to teach you a lesson, they are not meant to be there forever. I hope you find your answers. Hugs, Marle

Cindi R

When I was using..I could rationalize and justify most anything.
But when I really became clean and sober, it was pretty black and white.
Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't hang with people who do, except on very rare occasions, except when absolutely necessary and be very careful if you choose to do so.

StarGazer6

This is great feedback, thanks everyone. I know it's so true that he is just finding ways to defend and protect his drug habit still. The first week he was in rehab he said that he really needs to take a break with his drug use, but didn't say that he was going to stop taking drugs altogether. I should have known that was the first predictor of what's to come. Before rehab he was selling everything (pot, coke, vicodin, oxy's, E, GHB, crack, meth...) there was almost nothing he wouldn't sell. That's why I can understand why he doesn't see the harm in selling pot, and while I know that pot is harmful I don't really think it's that bad, I mean even I smoke it about once a year, so I understand the justification, especially when you compare it to something like crack or meth but nevertheless I know it's still a drug and I'm sick of the sketchy lifestyle associated w/ it, no matter what drug it is, all of them are illegal and you always have to watch your back, how lame!! I don't want to have kids for several more years but I want it to be a possibility w/ the person I'm with and it no longer is. He's done so much damage to his body just from the 10 to 20 Vicodin/day over the last 5 or 6 years. I know that there are other guys out there who are good men and are not druggies, it's just so hard to imagine that I could fall in love again as hard as I did. Since my ex was never the aggressive or jealous type I always, and still do, see the kind and thoughtful side to him. The selfish part of me gets mad that he couldn't just control his drug use and grow out of it, I mean we did a lot of drugs together while we were in college and a bit after (I never did crack or meth and he doesn't do meth either) but we had fun with it and now I just want to grow up and not rely on it for fun anymore. There's a time and place for drugs and it's called college!!! The fact that his two new roomies don't have jobs either (one of them is a dealer and the other attempted suicide a few months ago) is hardly a good start for the rest of his sober life. Go figure, he truly was someone I used to look up to and now I just worry and feel sorry for him.