Juana-be

My husband went to treatment about a month ago, and is about 30 days sober now. He still is living in his apartment and will be for at least a couple more months. He says he will do anything to get us back, he has a sponsor, goes to meetings (sometimes), it seems like he's doing what he's supposed to do. On the surface.

I don't want to butt in to his recovery, but I know he's not really working it. Not whole-heartedly. I feel like he's gong through the motions. I don't think he's drinking, but he's still really ugly at times. My friend says I have too high of expectations. Give him some slack to be ornery once in a while, he's going thru a lot. (*Re-reading what I just wrote, to be fair, I must add that the non-ugly times are pretty good, and he takes responsibility, and he's nice, and cheerful, and these nice times make up about 90% of the time. I do see some real positive things.)

This is harder. I don't know if I'm being too suspicious, expecting too much, whatever. Or is he conning everyone again.

My reaction is to want to pull away from him when he's ugly. Not talk to him or see him. Friend thinks this may be stubborn or controlling on my part. I should be supportive or understanding. I don't want to! Not when he's being a jerk!

It was so much easier when he was drinking!!!!

I knew what to do. I cut him off. Now there's guilt that if I'm not supportive enough...what if I drive him back to drinking?!?! (being sarcastic)

Agh. I don't know what the heck I'm doing.... I feel like a wishy-washy idiot.

MsGolightly

well you're not an idiot!

if you had a friend who was in the same situation... who said that her husband was mean and ugly to her sometimes, what would you tell her to do? i personally would avoid him, let him stew in his own anger, and realize that he needs to treat you better for you to let him back in. i wouldn't say it's being stubborn or controlling, because you're doing what's best for you. you're taking control of your own life, if anything.

Bjen

I understand you completely. It feels funny, a new situation, uncomfortable. Where do you draw the line and what do you accept? Sometimes I have to remember that when my sober A is growly and yucky that it is just part of who he is, aside from the alcoholism. I am poopy sometimes too.
I'm not sure about the supportive stuff. I don't know what to say. My A is in jail or he'd probably be nursing a headache and calling me to call me names because I went out last night. I know he thinks he has a plan for sobriety too but in my mind I know it won't work for him, he still feels it is all his willpower and staying away from those who drink. That may last a few months when he gets out but he will fall back into the same trap without a system.
I just try to talk to him about what I am learning about my recovery. i tell him I am sharing about me and not projecting to him but I secretly hope it might give him some ideas for himself. I don't think that is bad.
It really comes down to what YOU will accept. Do you really want him back? Sober or not? I don't know that for myself. I think that is where I need to start. If you do, just keep doing your best and trying. Even if you feel like you screwed something up, just keep trying. If you don't want to accept his ugly stuff, don't. You have to recover too. It is OK. You do what you need, don't let your friends make you feel bad. You live your life, they don't. Hope my rambling helped. LOL Have a better day and good luck

Sunflower

ahhhh---this is a problem so many of us have. My AS has been sober a while now and I still question it daily--plus I blame myself and wonder if maybe I am not doing things right that might cause him to drink again.....they lose our trust-and its hard to get back. Now I am a mother talking about a son who is an A so it is different...When I was married to an A--I left quickly--wouldn't have made a difference what I did or he did--trust was GONE--LOVE was gone--it was over I just had no feeling for him at all after what he put me through.
I guess you have to do damage control nnow--what is left of your relationship if he stays sober? Is it worth saving?You have to do whats right for YOU...and who knows if you decide its worth it and you both become activly involved in AA and counceling--maybe it could work....the ball is in your court--its your life---try not to listen to friends--they dont understand.....

hope2bhappy

My AH is 61 days sober today. For the first 30 days, he would sometimes get irritable and cranky. It worried me... was he a dry drunk?... was he not working his program?... I think (after 22 years of drinking), I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was so used to the drunk behavior, that I didn't know if what was happening now was normal, or not. Then I thought, "Geez! Of course he's cranky! He's having to learn a new way of life, also."

This has passed now. He's happy and cheerful almost all of the time. When he gets irritated at something, I welcome it. This is how I know he is in touch with his real feelings... he's not numbing them with the alcohol like he used to do. Everything he is feeling is in a sober, raw state of heart and mind.

I know it's tough sometimes, but I agree with your friend. Be as supportive as you can be. Try not to take his moods too personally. Let him work his recovery, and you keep the focus on YOU. Good luck and congratulations on your husband's 30 day sobriety!