Concerned, my next step?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 16
Concerned, my next step?
Hi all, I'm new here. I posted something similar to this in another section of this board.
I have a dielema. My boyfirend has been going to meeting and I have been attending them with him as support. He has an addiction to cocaine and he says that he is clean but I have found indications that he may not be.
His addiction has put a lot of stress on our relationship, he has lied many, many times about being clean only to find he is using. I'm at my last straw, in the beginning I believed him but time after time when I find that he has been using I feel like an idiot.
At the moment I believe he is using, I've gone so far as to ask him to take a 'home test', he comes up with excuses not to. So that leads me to think he is using again. I want to be support but I will not continue a relationship with someone who is lying to me about their using.
He thinks I'm playing games with him, I've told him straight up that if he's using tell me and we will work from there but if I find that he is using and lying to me about it then that will be a major issue. I am ready to end the realtionship if I find he is using and lying to me about it.
Was I right to ask him to take a home test? If the situation was reverse I would certainly take a home test to relieve his concerns, since if I wasn't using there shouldn't be an issue over it being positive for use.
Suggestions please. I can go on not knowing and I don't know what else to do.
*As a side not we do not reside together, but have been in a relationship for 3 in a half years.
I have a dielema. My boyfirend has been going to meeting and I have been attending them with him as support. He has an addiction to cocaine and he says that he is clean but I have found indications that he may not be.
His addiction has put a lot of stress on our relationship, he has lied many, many times about being clean only to find he is using. I'm at my last straw, in the beginning I believed him but time after time when I find that he has been using I feel like an idiot.
At the moment I believe he is using, I've gone so far as to ask him to take a 'home test', he comes up with excuses not to. So that leads me to think he is using again. I want to be support but I will not continue a relationship with someone who is lying to me about their using.
He thinks I'm playing games with him, I've told him straight up that if he's using tell me and we will work from there but if I find that he is using and lying to me about it then that will be a major issue. I am ready to end the realtionship if I find he is using and lying to me about it.
Was I right to ask him to take a home test? If the situation was reverse I would certainly take a home test to relieve his concerns, since if I wasn't using there shouldn't be an issue over it being positive for use.
Suggestions please. I can go on not knowing and I don't know what else to do.
*As a side not we do not reside together, but have been in a relationship for 3 in a half years.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you are with us.it is hard to deal with an addict,there is lots to learn here.lots of people are going thru the same things as you.here we believe in"hands off the addict".what that means is let him work his own recovery & you work on you.there is nothing you can do to stop him from using if that is what he is doing.keep coming back & read all the stickys at the top of the forum. prayers,hope
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
If it were 'me' yes... I would ask him to take the test. I see nothing wrong with that. If you are serious about not being in a relationship w/him if he using. The problem I have seen w/that on this board is it just ends up putting people more into the addicts life, kind of like what was mentioned.
I know of someone here who was clean and was living with two other people who were clean and they were all working the program and were good friends. Two of them suspected the other one was using, and weren't sure about asking him to take the test. Their bottom line was no matter how good of a friend he was to them, No using, not even once.
They did end up asking him, he was kicked out that same night.
They did what they had to do to take care of themselves...
I think it depends on your reasons. If he's not, I don't see why he wouldn't.
Someone accused me in December of using again. (My doc was meth)
and I wasn't, it was my meds and I was sick, I actually yelled at Them
to go get a freakin Test and I would take it right then, I was Soo mad.
When you work so hard at staying clean, and someone (that you care about) accuses you of using, usually you want to prove them wrong, that was my instinct anyway..
On the other hand, is this how you want to live, worrying about this kind of thing? Is the relationship worth it, whether he's using or not? Just asking.
Because if he is clean, one would think he'd jump through hoops to show you he's clean... Sad thing we do to ourselves when we use, but some of us have to earn back the trust that was lost. It's really not that hard..
I know of someone here who was clean and was living with two other people who were clean and they were all working the program and were good friends. Two of them suspected the other one was using, and weren't sure about asking him to take the test. Their bottom line was no matter how good of a friend he was to them, No using, not even once.
They did end up asking him, he was kicked out that same night.
They did what they had to do to take care of themselves...
I think it depends on your reasons. If he's not, I don't see why he wouldn't.
Someone accused me in December of using again. (My doc was meth)
and I wasn't, it was my meds and I was sick, I actually yelled at Them
to go get a freakin Test and I would take it right then, I was Soo mad.
When you work so hard at staying clean, and someone (that you care about) accuses you of using, usually you want to prove them wrong, that was my instinct anyway..
On the other hand, is this how you want to live, worrying about this kind of thing? Is the relationship worth it, whether he's using or not? Just asking.
Because if he is clean, one would think he'd jump through hoops to show you he's clean... Sad thing we do to ourselves when we use, but some of us have to earn back the trust that was lost. It's really not that hard..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Here and Now
Posts: 16
Thank you.
It's not worth the stress wondering. Just like you said and I posted before I would WANT to prove them wrong.
I know that this is also about my 'recovey' from being with an active addict. It changes a person.
It's not worth the stress wondering. Just like you said and I posted before I would WANT to prove them wrong.
I know that this is also about my 'recovey' from being with an active addict. It changes a person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
(((Letgo)))
What do YOU wan't to do? Have you considered him taking the test and having it turn out that infact he HAS been using? What will you do then? Will you leave? Will you stay? If you stay, then there is no point taking the test. You love him deeply, and he loves his drugs deeply. Unfortunatly this is the way things go when you are with an addict. There is very usefull "sticky's" right at the top of the threads. Read them if you can, and get as much knowledge out of addictions as you can. Be thankful his is your BF, because that allows you to make dicisions on whether or not you can do this the rest of your life. Because it just could very well be that long.
You have found an amazing group of people here that have helped me alot! Welcome!
What do YOU wan't to do? Have you considered him taking the test and having it turn out that infact he HAS been using? What will you do then? Will you leave? Will you stay? If you stay, then there is no point taking the test. You love him deeply, and he loves his drugs deeply. Unfortunatly this is the way things go when you are with an addict. There is very usefull "sticky's" right at the top of the threads. Read them if you can, and get as much knowledge out of addictions as you can. Be thankful his is your BF, because that allows you to make dicisions on whether or not you can do this the rest of your life. Because it just could very well be that long.
You have found an amazing group of people here that have helped me alot! Welcome!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome Letgo, This is a really great site and the folks here are so understanifding and supportive. The feeling of relief I felt when I stumble into SR was profound...These are folks who understand and who have traveled the same journey!
If you can leave the relationship and that is your choice, I think that's great. Sometimes it is really difficult to make such a decision, but it certainly is one that can ease your pain. Addiction is a roller coaster ride and it destroys so many people...not just the addict.
I'm glad you are sticking around...Please know that whatever your decision, we are here for you. Hugs
If you can leave the relationship and that is your choice, I think that's great. Sometimes it is really difficult to make such a decision, but it certainly is one that can ease your pain. Addiction is a roller coaster ride and it destroys so many people...not just the addict.
I'm glad you are sticking around...Please know that whatever your decision, we are here for you. Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, glad you found us but hate the situation, the addict in my life is my husband. in my opinion, the home test is up to you if you want to give it and he is willing to take it, but considering that there are a lot of cleaning agents that addicts already know of, maybe a surprize test would work better. i personally don't believe in my testing my husband, don't care too. i just believe that if he's using, he won't be able to hide it for long, and i think that maybe you should go on your gut feeling, if your gut tells you that he is using, chances are that he might be.
what works for me is when i have that gut feeling, i make a decision to believe what i think, right or wrong, and then i purposely make a decision to figure out how i'm to work through what i think. in my opinion, it does not matter whether he is using or not if its keeping you focused on anything other than yourself. maybe its time to allow your bf to live his life like he chooses to and you focus more on your and how you will live yours.
i kind of believe in the hands off concept, it works better for me and my sanity. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
what works for me is when i have that gut feeling, i make a decision to believe what i think, right or wrong, and then i purposely make a decision to figure out how i'm to work through what i think. in my opinion, it does not matter whether he is using or not if its keeping you focused on anything other than yourself. maybe its time to allow your bf to live his life like he chooses to and you focus more on your and how you will live yours.
i kind of believe in the hands off concept, it works better for me and my sanity. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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