Sherella

My Ah has been in a soberhouse for the last 5 months, now he doesn't want to leave, says our house which we own is a trigger point, as well as me on occasion, he first wanted to get a divorce then said he would go to marriage counseling, now he is back to a divorce because I didn't want him coming 2 spend the night when he couldn't make up his mind what he was going to do, said he couldn't leave the soberhouse and he couldn't get an apt. because it wasn't safe for him, but is talking about leaving his job and moving to another state. Am I nuts or is he? His sponser told him along with his room mates that he shouldn't move back home because that would set off his drinking, but he stayed over for several nights as long as I didn't ask him to do anything in the line of work, we had been renovating the house, and he hated doing anything on it in the past. He just got through telling me he would quick claim the house over to me, now that it is going to foreclosure, but he would need to take his whole check, which means I would have no money to live on, said my son could handle it.

dollydo

Do you work? Do you have a plan to support yourself? Have you been to an attorney to see what your rights are?

Janitw

I am so sorry that you are going through this with his sobriety hun......AA just isnt for the families is it? It is all about the alcoholic and them alone...he has fallen down an bumped his head if the thinks that the answers to his problems is to allow himself to walk from his mortgage and family responsibilites....AA is NOT and I repeat NOT about that.... I hope he comes to his senses soon...any hope on saving the home?

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Janit

Sherella

I am handicapped and that really puts me at a disadvantage at least for now, I have three surgeries in the making and if he stops the insurance as he has already threatened to do I am really going to be in trouble. If I had to pick one thing I'd say his biggest problem would be in a word, effort, if things don't happen with in a six month period for him, and thats stretching it, he gives up, and refuses to do anything, gets angry and goes to bed. they kicked him out of the service because he was so uncooperative, when I married him his mother was still doing his taxes.
I think he's using this soberhouse as just another way of getting out of his responsibilities and of course the drinking has given him an lethal form of escape, The only thing he ever seemed to be fond of was his job. I don't think the treatment he's gotten even touches on some of the problems he's not been able to cope with over the years, I am going to the lawyer tomorrow, but then I read posts that say you shouldn't do anything for a year, so now I am confused, he seemed to be really adament about not working anything out and just getting a divorce as everything was to much effort and he was tired.

WhatAboutME

I know, from experience, how this sucks. My husband has been bouncing in and out of sober-living houses since the beginning of February, but in his case, he's not actually sober (hence the "bouncing" around). Anyway, after being out of the house for a while, he too said he didn't want to come back, didn't want to deal with our dogs (we have 4), etc. Go figure.

Janitw

Don't cha just love all the crap they put us through.....

i'm so sorry girls....you guys have some pretty heavy burdens to deal with...mine left the kids and I but thankfully i was able to hang onto the home and when it came time for the insurance to cancel I already had a better plan to go to....remember if God takes you to it he will see you through it....I know it may look glum but things will work out....

Shrella - as for your surgery dates and insurance situation....if I were in your shoes I stay with him for as long as you can to get these surgeries done...I cant believe I am saying this...but for you in your situation you may not have a choice....now if he leaves then there is nothing you can do but try to keep him happy.....((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Sunflower

THE DOGS??? boy I thought I had heard it all..lol--I swear they are all crazy!!!!
I say let him get the divorce if he wants it--I wouldn't pay a dime being in the situation you are in...

I am disabled--I get social security disability--why don't you? That is what I would see a lawyer about--getting disability...then you are eligable for medicare-and pharmacy programs as well--heating assistance--lots of things. I have never felt guilty about getting disability--I am thankful for it--I worked hard my whole life and paid my taxes....
janitw is right--it would be to your benifit to wait and make an escape plan...

FormerDoormat

He doesn't want to leave the sober house because now THEY are taking care of all his needs and responsibilities. See, he hasn't changed one iota, and doesn't plan to do so. I'd take him up on his offer to leave. You're going to be much better off without him. He's doing you a favor. I agree with the others, I'd consult with an attorney. He may want to quit claim the mortgage now that it's headed to foreclosure so he can leave all the debt on your shoulders.

Your first consultation with an attorney is free. Do yourself a favor, arm yourself with knowledge before you agree to anything.

Sherella

I have an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow, he said he wasn't going to leave any of his check in the bank he needed the whole thing, I should get help from my son, and to think last week he loved me, well I was one of those ladies that never worked believe me I am paying for it now, I can't get disability unless I had worked for over five years, I can't get social security because he's still working, but I might be able to get social security from my first husband who died. I am hoping I can sell the house before they take it, but the market is so slow right now it will take a miracle from God on this one, I thank you all for responding, it really helps to know that others understand all this garbage and don't just think I am a nut job, after awhile they have you thinking it's you and not them.

hope2bhappy

Decisions, decisions... poor thing. It appears that this "soberhouse" is not so much about staying sober, as it is about shirking responsibility.

Talk to your lawyer fast. This is abandonment. Good luck and keep us posted.

rivercitybelle

Temporary support orders can include insurance coverage.
Sounds like talking to the lawyer is the right decision.

Check with the SS office to see if you'd qualify for SSI and get that paperwork started.

This is abusive behavior on his part... threatening neglect & physical harm by not sharing the financial responsibilities as he has done for the past 5 months. He using emotional blackmail as he knows you need the insurance. Forget the 1 year rule you've heard. Sometimes events end up moving faster than we plan for, you need to do what's right for you and only you can decide that.

steve11694

Reminds me a little of my aw offering to leave her drinking friends for 3 months in exchange for money and tuition at bartending school. i decided against that since i read about how addicts may be able to postpone using.

it musty be terrible when it is the addict that controls the purse strings. my wife hates me cause i cut off my enabling, nice condo, sports car, and life she was used to pre drinking.

her choices are #sobriety in which case i will support her 100% or #drinking/insanity. etc.
I took responsibility for our young child.

Big hug to all

justjo

FormerDoormat has hit it on the head. I agree with everything said. It's so true, once they have been in and out of rehab for many times they dissolve all responsibility. It is so easy in these places as you said, they look after them, they only have to think all about themselves (after all its all about them isnt it) and they live in LaLaLa land. They are living in their own worlds, not ours because lets face it. They dont want to face reality do they.

Sorry for being negative but unfortunately this is how it can get for most.

dollydo

If you are over 60, and had been married to your ex-hubby for over 10 years you may be able to get part of his SS benefit. I would go to SS and find out.

As for the insurance, if it is a work related policy, and he does cancel it, you may be able to cobra it on your own for 18 month.

I'd go to the attorney, re-elvalute what he/she says and then make a plan.
Wait for him to make an actual move, one way or the other. Lots of what they say is just quacking.

WhatAboutME

"FormerDoormat has hit it on the head. I agree with everything said. It's so true, once they have been in and out of rehab for many times they dissolve all responsibility. It is so easy in these places as you said, they look after them, they only have to think all about themselves (after all its all about them isnt it) and they live in LaLaLa land. They are living in their own worlds, not ours because lets face it. They dont want to face reality do they."


This really makes sense because my AH has gone downhill and become very negligent about any responsibility to me, the house, our dogs, etc. since being in-and-out of rehab twice and many, many sober living houses since early February. He also claims that the people in these house are his family and they really understand him and his addiction, blah, blah, blah. But who do you think these caring people call to pick his ass up in the middle of the night when he is falling down drunk?

Sherella

I went to the attorney, I was told that I could divorce him, and request alimony and insurance even the house, but if he decided to leave the state (which he has threatened to do) it would take a long time to get through all the red tape and find out where he was and even if he was working, which doesn't seem to be a high priority on his list of things to do, they suggested I try to work it out if at all possible with him. which I am attempting to do.
I think these soberhouses are a racket they keep these guys so dependent they'll never leave. why should they, they get to spend all their time and energy on their disease, which happens to engulf them in self pity and a chronic need for nurturing 24/7 The last time he was here he said he wanted to be pampered.

We've lost all of the money we had invested in the house plus all of our equity and will be lucky if we break even, we're so far in debt, daylight doesn't seem to be any where in sight and he's sitting over there with out a care in the world, I wonder what will happen if he loses his job, they sure aren't going to be housing him for free. His disease has left him only capable of downloading video's daily, watching movies, and sleeping , he's gone through a whole month of vacation days and is already taking more days off without pay, of course he still takes out what ever he needs and my allotment keeps getting smaller.

Thanks for all the feed back, I am glad to know there are others out there that can relate and at the same time I wouldn't wish this on anyone.