Hi There, I am new to this .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Hi There, I am new to this .
Hi everyone, need help or actually my husband needs help. I married my DH in 1997 after living together for 3 years. Yes I always knew he liked his beer, but over the last few years the amounts are increasing on a daily basis. However he never gets drunk, in the last 9 years I have seen him really drunk only twice. My husband drinks at least 7 beers after he comes home from work, at 13.30. He will have his last beer way after I had my dinner, dinner is ready at 5 PM but my dh only wants to eat at around 7-8 PM. He keeps telling me, that him being an alcoholic is all in my head, as he does not hurt me, abuses me, ( I think emotional by the amount of drinking, putting stress on me), the bills are paid etc, he does not stumble or fall when he drinks..you probably have heard this all before..I organized his empties last week, 82 cans of empties ( 73 were his, over a 2 week period) Today I organized the empties again, 43 cans..he did not drink yesterday as he had a hangover..which he will not admit to of course.
However my dh is smart, when we go out to his or my parents he only drinks 3 beers so no one is going to tell hem anything..he never wants to go out anywhere, always has an excuse not to go out somewhere. He has no friends, as he does not want any friends. He is 47 years old, but sometimes I am so afraid because his behaviors are that of a teenager. Racing on the computer for hours, getting angry at the computer for not winning a race..etc. He has no stamina at all always too tired to do fun things outside of the house.
Sexually he is getting weird, strange fettishes etc..I refuse to make love to him..this is not the man I fell in love with. My dilemma is. what should I do? I get very angry and upset as soon as I hear a beer can open..you know the "clicking sound"? I hardly ever drink, maybe 2 drinks in a year. I am addicted to diet pepsi with the twist..lol. This is my second marriage and I d not want it to fail, but how can I go on like this? I do love him so much and whenever he is drinking only a bit (2-3) everything is cool. When he does not drink at all, he is tired and quiet and withdrawn and I am upset.
However my dh is smart, when we go out to his or my parents he only drinks 3 beers so no one is going to tell hem anything..he never wants to go out anywhere, always has an excuse not to go out somewhere. He has no friends, as he does not want any friends. He is 47 years old, but sometimes I am so afraid because his behaviors are that of a teenager. Racing on the computer for hours, getting angry at the computer for not winning a race..etc. He has no stamina at all always too tired to do fun things outside of the house.
Sexually he is getting weird, strange fettishes etc..I refuse to make love to him..this is not the man I fell in love with. My dilemma is. what should I do? I get very angry and upset as soon as I hear a beer can open..you know the "clicking sound"? I hardly ever drink, maybe 2 drinks in a year. I am addicted to diet pepsi with the twist..lol. This is my second marriage and I d not want it to fail, but how can I go on like this? I do love him so much and whenever he is drinking only a bit (2-3) everything is cool. When he does not drink at all, he is tired and quiet and withdrawn and I am upset.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dutchie
Welcome to our forums. My son is an addict, but there are many wonderful people here who are in the same situation as you, and they will be along to share their stories and recovery.
In the meantime make yourself at home, take a read around and partcularly the "sticky posts" at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards. Lots of great information there.
Have you tried going to Al-Anon? If not I would recommend it as you will meet so many people who also share your pain and who can help you regain your balance. I know that my 12-step program saved my life, and it is the foundation of the recovery I have today.
I'm glad you have joined us and hope you will stick around and share our journey.
Welcome to our forums. My son is an addict, but there are many wonderful people here who are in the same situation as you, and they will be along to share their stories and recovery.
In the meantime make yourself at home, take a read around and partcularly the "sticky posts" at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards. Lots of great information there.
Have you tried going to Al-Anon? If not I would recommend it as you will meet so many people who also share your pain and who can help you regain your balance. I know that my 12-step program saved my life, and it is the foundation of the recovery I have today.
I'm glad you have joined us and hope you will stick around and share our journey.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I would like to welcome you too Dutchie!
That "clicking sound" is one that we all dread. We have large trash bags full of smashed beer cans that need to be taken to the recycle place so he can get money. If only I could get reimbersed for the money that was wasted on all that beer!! My husband thinks that he hides beer cans under the table by the bed because he covers them with clothing. He has full ones because he drinks them warm. If I ever drink a beer again it had better be COLD! How does anyone drink warm beer?
The longer they drink the more wiped out they get when they are sober. The days my husband is sober after a binge he is so tired he will sleep all day. Sometimes he starts drinking in the morning and then goes to bed to sleep it off and is so tired he stays there the whole day.
My husband knows he has a problem and goes to AA but he continues to drink as well. He does really well if he goes daily. He doesn't always do that and when he gets stressed he drinks. You can't force your husband to stop. He has to want to do that on his own. You CAN help yourself and coming here is a great first step!!! This place has helped me alot.
Keep coming back... your not alone,
matters
That "clicking sound" is one that we all dread. We have large trash bags full of smashed beer cans that need to be taken to the recycle place so he can get money. If only I could get reimbersed for the money that was wasted on all that beer!! My husband thinks that he hides beer cans under the table by the bed because he covers them with clothing. He has full ones because he drinks them warm. If I ever drink a beer again it had better be COLD! How does anyone drink warm beer?
The longer they drink the more wiped out they get when they are sober. The days my husband is sober after a binge he is so tired he will sleep all day. Sometimes he starts drinking in the morning and then goes to bed to sleep it off and is so tired he stays there the whole day.
My husband knows he has a problem and goes to AA but he continues to drink as well. He does really well if he goes daily. He doesn't always do that and when he gets stressed he drinks. You can't force your husband to stop. He has to want to do that on his own. You CAN help yourself and coming here is a great first step!!! This place has helped me alot.
Keep coming back... your not alone,
matters
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Welcome!
Dutchie hi,
This is a wonderful place... keep coming back and you'll come to cherish the wisdom and love from us all.
You are actually in a good place right now. You have reached a point of helplessness and have felt enough pain, that now you want to heal... When I first began searching out my own recovery (as a codependant / spouse of an Alcoholic), people kept telling me "you CAN'T help him... start helping yourself!". As I had spent so many years "helping" and obsessing over everyone else, the notion of helping myself was ridiculous. I really thought I had things under "control", even tho my life was actually spiraling down around me. What does it mean to take care of ME? I am healthy, I eat good, I take good care of my children... I AM taking pretty good care! But I trusted that there was SOMETHING awry... there had to be - why else would I be asking for help? I kept going to my Alanon meetings, talking to counsellors, reading my Melody Beattie books. And eventually I got it - actually IT got ME.
When someone lives with an active alcoholic / addict, they have to learn some sort of coping mechanisms; after all, the behaviors of the user are so insane... we begin to have to create our OWN behaviors and reactions in order to make sense of our lives. Many of these reactions are in order to protect ourselves... We deny our loved ones problems, we cover up for them and paint pretty pictures of "normalcy" for everyone else looking in. We begin to stop FEELING... we numb the pain by refusing to believe it. And I often went on missions of control; I took care of evrything in the house, the kids, the cleaning up, paid all the bills, answered all the phone calls. As long as I was in control, I could prevent all the horrible "what-ifs"... nothing bad was going to happen to my family! But eventually all of this made me dead tired. I had no time to think; I had no energy left to feel - I had been beaten down, and my life was truly unmanageble.
It was when I totally surrendered to the disease, and gave myself to my higher power (which was ANYTHING/ONE stronger than me at that point
), that I understood the BIG message. I was "sick" too... and I needed help. I needed to find myself, and begin helping myself. The happiness and peace I sought was only in MY own two hands.
Alcoholism affects people in so many different ways; the user could drink once a day, or ALL day... It is not a matter of good or bad choices for them, it simply is what their body tells them they NEED to survive - they are physically, emotionally and chemically addicted. And we are powerless.
I am so happy that you found this site... I truly hope you keep posting because eventually you will see yourself in all of us - and WE are the strongest bunch around!
Take care
Meg
This is a wonderful place... keep coming back and you'll come to cherish the wisdom and love from us all.
You are actually in a good place right now. You have reached a point of helplessness and have felt enough pain, that now you want to heal... When I first began searching out my own recovery (as a codependant / spouse of an Alcoholic), people kept telling me "you CAN'T help him... start helping yourself!". As I had spent so many years "helping" and obsessing over everyone else, the notion of helping myself was ridiculous. I really thought I had things under "control", even tho my life was actually spiraling down around me. What does it mean to take care of ME? I am healthy, I eat good, I take good care of my children... I AM taking pretty good care! But I trusted that there was SOMETHING awry... there had to be - why else would I be asking for help? I kept going to my Alanon meetings, talking to counsellors, reading my Melody Beattie books. And eventually I got it - actually IT got ME.
When someone lives with an active alcoholic / addict, they have to learn some sort of coping mechanisms; after all, the behaviors of the user are so insane... we begin to have to create our OWN behaviors and reactions in order to make sense of our lives. Many of these reactions are in order to protect ourselves... We deny our loved ones problems, we cover up for them and paint pretty pictures of "normalcy" for everyone else looking in. We begin to stop FEELING... we numb the pain by refusing to believe it. And I often went on missions of control; I took care of evrything in the house, the kids, the cleaning up, paid all the bills, answered all the phone calls. As long as I was in control, I could prevent all the horrible "what-ifs"... nothing bad was going to happen to my family! But eventually all of this made me dead tired. I had no time to think; I had no energy left to feel - I had been beaten down, and my life was truly unmanageble.
It was when I totally surrendered to the disease, and gave myself to my higher power (which was ANYTHING/ONE stronger than me at that point
), that I understood the BIG message. I was "sick" too... and I needed help. I needed to find myself, and begin helping myself. The happiness and peace I sought was only in MY own two hands. Alcoholism affects people in so many different ways; the user could drink once a day, or ALL day... It is not a matter of good or bad choices for them, it simply is what their body tells them they NEED to survive - they are physically, emotionally and chemically addicted. And we are powerless.
I am so happy that you found this site... I truly hope you keep posting because eventually you will see yourself in all of us - and WE are the strongest bunch around!
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Welcome!
Dutchie:
Mine uses whiskey with Pepsi, so my "sound" is the sound of ice smashing against the bottom of a glass (he drinks with an attitude!) Sends chills up my spine everytime! Matters--warm beer?!? ew,ew,ew!
You have found a great place to be here, and will get a lot of support, as well as great advice. I know that if you came search here, you are under a lot of stress--so you need to take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself today.
Hugs,
Lyn
Mine uses whiskey with Pepsi, so my "sound" is the sound of ice smashing against the bottom of a glass (he drinks with an attitude!) Sends chills up my spine everytime! Matters--warm beer?!? ew,ew,ew!
You have found a great place to be here, and will get a lot of support, as well as great advice. I know that if you came search here, you are under a lot of stress--so you need to take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself today.
Hugs,
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: cincinnati,ohio
Posts: 35
welcome!
My husbands favorite is bourbon and coke.He keeps it in the garage.So its the sound of the door to the garage opening that gets to me.
Isn't it interesting how sounds that others think nothing of have such meaning to us!!
Definitly keep comming to the posts Dutchie.I can tell you from personal experience that it really helps.My situation sounds almost identical to yours.My husband never eats dinner with me,he drinks instead.He works everyday(thats one of the things that he points out when we talk about his problem,since he works everyday-he can handle it)trouble is,things around the home get neglected.As for sex,I feel as you do.I don't know this man when he's drunk.As far as i'm concerned,he picks drinking over sex.
OK,enough about me! You are at the turning point.You need to take care of YOU.Here you feel you are with people who understand and care.Keep coming back!God Bless,Karen
Isn't it interesting how sounds that others think nothing of have such meaning to us!!
Definitly keep comming to the posts Dutchie.I can tell you from personal experience that it really helps.My situation sounds almost identical to yours.My husband never eats dinner with me,he drinks instead.He works everyday(thats one of the things that he points out when we talk about his problem,since he works everyday-he can handle it)trouble is,things around the home get neglected.As for sex,I feel as you do.I don't know this man when he's drunk.As far as i'm concerned,he picks drinking over sex.
OK,enough about me! You are at the turning point.You need to take care of YOU.Here you feel you are with people who understand and care.Keep coming back!God Bless,Karen
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Welcome Dutchie!
You've come to the right place for support and education. There are many wise people here from whom you can learn. We are all walking the same road, just some of us with spouses as the A, children as the A,or parents as the A. But we're all in the same boat. We're here to learn, love, and support and you'll definitely find people here that will embrace you.
Keep reading and posting. Hopefully everyone here can help you and you'll be helping us, also.
Hang in there. It's one day at a time. And I'd highly recommend Al Anon, too, if you're not already involved in it. It has saved my life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
You've come to the right place for support and education. There are many wise people here from whom you can learn. We are all walking the same road, just some of us with spouses as the A, children as the A,or parents as the A. But we're all in the same boat. We're here to learn, love, and support and you'll definitely find people here that will embrace you.
Keep reading and posting. Hopefully everyone here can help you and you'll be helping us, also.
Hang in there. It's one day at a time. And I'd highly recommend Al Anon, too, if you're not already involved in it. It has saved my life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Dutchie
welcome to the forums !
I am glad you made it here, its a good place to find
some serenity
and as Hangin in said look for an alanon meeting
it also saved me, it is helping me to cope with my daughter
and son(alcoholism and bi polar) on a day by day basis
and sometimes minute by minute !!
we're all in this together, keep coming back
Hugs
liddy
welcome to the forums !
I am glad you made it here, its a good place to find
some serenity
and as Hangin in said look for an alanon meeting
it also saved me, it is helping me to cope with my daughter
and son(alcoholism and bi polar) on a day by day basis
and sometimes minute by minute !!
we're all in this together, keep coming back
Hugs
liddy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for all your kind words of encouragement
Hi everyone, thank you so very much for the kind words of understanding and support. Well another day went by. My hubby had 3 beers in the fridge and as he said it, he had a dilemma! So he went to the beer store and bought another 6 pack and today there is 1 left. So 8 in an afternoon...holy moly...I can only drink 2-3 pepsi's in the same time frame, but maybe I am different. However, regardless the amount of beer he drinks, he can still function, after his drinking he BBQ'd and it was fine his mood was good...so is it maybe more in my mind that I get upset, and I just have to accept this? I am so confused..I wish in a sense that he would get really drunk, stumbles and so on, maybe then he realizes that he has a problem?
What do you guys think? My hubby says as long as he can function there is no problem.
Hope to hear from you again..Love Marion
What do you guys think? My hubby says as long as he can function there is no problem.
Hope to hear from you again..Love Marion
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Marion
Just wanted to send out a welcome to you.
Try reading the powerposts on this forum and nar-anon
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=7677
One I find particularly powerful is this one...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
Again welcome to the forums. I hope you find the strength and support here that I have found.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Just wanted to send out a welcome to you.
Try reading the powerposts on this forum and nar-anon
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=7677
One I find particularly powerful is this one...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
Again welcome to the forums. I hope you find the strength and support here that I have found.
Many hugs,
Debbie
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
couldnt help but reply again Dutchie,
my thoughts are that his drinking is effecting you
and that is where alanon has helped so many of us.
We are powerless over alcohol just as the alcoholic is.
We follow the same twelve steps,read our literature,
attend meetings and do the things we need to do to keep
our lives headed in the right direction.
I think i would try not to keep up with counting beer cans
what does that do to help you ?
A few weeks ago I got a large plastic bag and went in the
field next to our house,a place my daughter used to throw her
empty canadian mist bottles, there were more than I would want to count, i was like a zombie picking them up but i dont have to
know they are there anymore.
alcoholism is a progressive disease,my daughter didnt start her drinking uncontrolable but it has progressed to that point, she is only 27.
God Bless you
liddy
my thoughts are that his drinking is effecting you
and that is where alanon has helped so many of us.
We are powerless over alcohol just as the alcoholic is.
We follow the same twelve steps,read our literature,
attend meetings and do the things we need to do to keep
our lives headed in the right direction.
I think i would try not to keep up with counting beer cans
what does that do to help you ?
A few weeks ago I got a large plastic bag and went in the
field next to our house,a place my daughter used to throw her
empty canadian mist bottles, there were more than I would want to count, i was like a zombie picking them up but i dont have to
know they are there anymore.
alcoholism is a progressive disease,my daughter didnt start her drinking uncontrolable but it has progressed to that point, she is only 27.
God Bless you
liddy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 7
Dear Liddy
Hi there, thank you for your reply, Yes you might be right for not counting the bottles anymore, it makes me so sad and angry. I had printed a whole story out from someone n this board abut the life of addicts and read it to my hubby. Even then he is denying everything and goes his merry way.
Tomorrow I will call Alanon and see what comes out of this mess.
Thank you and ((HUGS)) to you too Liddy with your difficulties with your daughter.
Marion
Tomorrow I will call Alanon and see what comes out of this mess.
Thank you and ((HUGS)) to you too Liddy with your difficulties with your daughter.
Marion
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