stillsearching

I just wanted to let everyone know that after talking with the courts they would not issue a restraining order. Didn't feel that it met the "requirements" here. I am so angry I don't know what to do, but, yet I am so confused. In my state it the restraining order refers to adults doing things to other adults...there is a child abuse restraining order...but he did'nt do anything "severe" enough to fit into those guidelines...those ones also cover sexual abuse.

I know there are others how have gone through this and please I am hoping that you will share with me your stories. When things like this happen and I am so upset and think I can handle this anymore...when I see him not when he has not drank...(which is not very often anymore) I think maybe it is all me!!!!!!!

I can't stand that feeling, he tells me that I should go to counseling and work it out my life issues and then it will be fine...WHAT THE HECK does that mean!!!!!

I feel like such a fool, a terrible mother and person, I can't seem to grow a back bone...I keep flip/flopping back and forth on what else I can do.....it hurts me so much when he acts like he could care less what I do.....maybe it's not a act.

But, tell me this...is it normal for someone to hide booze bottles, drink at 7AM...drink a bottle of whiskey a day????????????? If so, please tell me...because then I will beleive that someone this is MY problem. I am sick and tired of being told to "work" on my issues.

Sorry...for the ramble...I am so, so upset with myself and this whole thing called a marriage.

laurie6781

Still I am sorry you are not getting the help you need. I don't know if he is a police officer with the City of Milwaukee, the County, or one of the outlying cities, however, An anonymous letter can be typed and mailed from an area outside of yours to the IAB (Internal Affairs) of his particular police department, informing them of the amount of alcohol this man drinks (there is no way it is out of his system when he goes to work) and how the person writing is in fear of an 'accident waiting to happen.'

I know this suggestion is drastic, however, this man is a danger, not only to you and your daughter, but to the people he is suppose to "protect and serve".

This is a typical manipulation tactic from someone who is abusing alcohol and/or drugs. This keeps the person in denial plain and simple.

Your main 'life issue' seems to be that you cannot tolerate living on a daily basis with someone who abuses alcohol and cannot have your daughter living in that environment.

I know you are scared, exhausted, tired, confused, and just plain worn down by his denial and verbal abuse. Only you know when it will be too much and you take you and your daughter away from it.

I also suggest you talk with the Domestic Abuse shelters. I believe the one in Milwaukee has reciprocal agreements with shelters in other cities and states, that when necessary they transport the abusee and children away from the are they are in , for safety purposes. And, yes verbal abuse and mental abuse is ABUSE. The domestic abuse shelter will also have counselors that you can talk to and probably that your daughter can talk to.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

lilac

I am sorry that you did not get the help you wanted and deserved.

You are NOT a terrible person or mother ! Don't do that to yourself....I know what it feels like to be verbally and emotionally abused to the point where I felt like a limp ragdoll.

Take care of yourself and your daughter.....please know you are not alone here.

newenglandgirl

It's crazy-making when they tell us we're the ones who have the problems! Of course we're not perfect, but c'mon. I can relate to what you are going through. Of course we know that the chaos is really not caused by us, yet it makes us pause for a sec when they do this. Crazy-making.

Like Lauries says...this is a very typical alcoholic thing to do - they deflect and try to make it seem like it's the people around them who have the problems. A sick kind of defense mechanism.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that when you see him when he's not been drinking how you start to think how it might all be you...I sometimes start thinking that I've been overreacting...especially when his friends tell me that they think AH is doing so well, and really isn't drinking much. huh!!!? Am I nuts?

Sunflower

you are not the A---the only issue you have is that HE IS!!!
I applied for a restraining order years ago--because my son was still and infant I wanted no visits or supervised visits at least--my son wasn't really talking yet so how was he supposed to tell me if something happened---the judge told me until he hurts the child there could be no restaining order---I had hoped by now things had improved in this department--I see they have not

ICU

Hmmm....This is just me thinking outloud here.....wondering if what you said above is really just a benefit to being a police officer. Sorry, but that's the first thought that came to my mind. I could be totally wrong!

Sorry that it didn't go the way you had hoped. I understand your frustration. The courts can sometimes make you feel crazier than you already feel....BTDT! But don't let that deter you from what you know in your gut is right.


You're not a fool; you are a 'good' mother and person; and you 'do' have a backbone. It took courage and good mothering instincts to take steps to protect your child. So, it didn't work out the way you had hoped, that doesn't mean there aren't other things that you can do.

For example: You could call the DV number you called before and explain to them what the courts had told you. See what they say and how they can advise you. Ask them their thoughts about starting a log (hidden from him of course) of all the incidents you can remember from the past and on-going....site the drinking episodes, if he drives/goes to work under the influence, his abusiveness towards your daughter. Those scenes that you described previously between him and your daughter should be on there for sure. Also note the measures you took by legal methods, and the results of that. Dates/times are important. See what they say....if, in their experience, they have found this to be helpful or not.

Some will say that a log like this keeps you focused on the A, and that's not good. Well, we're talking about his treatment of and the welfare and safety of your daughter here, and that's an entirely different issue.

But if you should you decide to do it (and if the DV agency advises it), could become a little goldmine for you at some point in the future! Again, I cannot stress this enough...if you decide to do the log....KEEP IT HIDDEN FROM HIM!!! (Sorry to shout, the bold function doesn't work here)!

Ahhhh...that's an example of deflection at it's best!!!! It's what they do! I could write a book about all the times my ex did that with me! The only thing I'd take from that is that counseling may benefit you in dealing with him and to assist you in helping your daughter. There's nothing wrong with that. But don't do it for the reasons that 'he' spouts out at you. If you decide to do it, do so for you, and for your daughter.

It most certainly is normal.....for an alcoholic! Go to an open AA meeting and take a poll....see how many hands are raised when you ask if they've ever done any of these things. (I'm not suggesting you actually take a poll...just a little drama to make a point)!

The things I've suggested are just that...suggestions. It's up to you to decide however you feel is the best way to handle your particular situation. Figuring it all out can be tough, I know.

Keep coming back. It's amazing the things we can work through when we share here!