Down and out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
Down and out
hello everyone. I've been gone for quite some time. Getting my life sorted out and am busy as can be. I have found some happiness again 
It sure feels good. My A has been in recovery for something like 80 days, just got a new job and is moving out on his own (I won't live with him because I still don't trust him). I recently told him it will probably be a year, maybe less, depending how things go before I'll move. We're about 4 hours apart. We've had many problems mainly him wanting to be together and me pulling away, setting my boundaries and sticking to them (Yay!). I find it so hard to allow myself to "feel" for him again because something always tells my brain that he's not done. Has anyone else felt this? So then I end up being very cold to him sometimes which isn't very nice but I can't seem to help it. Anyways, he came to visit this weekend and it was absolute hell. Just like the old days. I want to say I can't believe it but I guess I really can. I suspected he was drinking on Saturday so I questioned (stupid me!) and that just set off a 2 day fight. He went out to get us dinner that night and when he walked in the door there was a vodka bottle stuck in the back of his pants!! Gee, does he think I'm stupid?? Needless to say, he couldn't walk, talk or anything in between within about 30 mins. I will say I have recovered quite nicely in that I didn't react. I was very calm, put him in bed and let him be. Today he got up and just kept threatening me with his lawyer, etc. It was very ugly and I finally asked him to call a cab and get out. I found 3 empty bottles in his suitcase and a ton of benzos. Not sure what those are for but I can't imagine its good to be mixing? I'm just so frustrated. I feel like he did it all because I wasn't kind enough, or loving enough or whatever. I know that I shouldn't think that way but sometimes its hard not to.
It sure feels good. My A has been in recovery for something like 80 days, just got a new job and is moving out on his own (I won't live with him because I still don't trust him). I recently told him it will probably be a year, maybe less, depending how things go before I'll move. We're about 4 hours apart. We've had many problems mainly him wanting to be together and me pulling away, setting my boundaries and sticking to them (Yay!). I find it so hard to allow myself to "feel" for him again because something always tells my brain that he's not done. Has anyone else felt this? So then I end up being very cold to him sometimes which isn't very nice but I can't seem to help it. Anyways, he came to visit this weekend and it was absolute hell. Just like the old days. I want to say I can't believe it but I guess I really can. I suspected he was drinking on Saturday so I questioned (stupid me!) and that just set off a 2 day fight. He went out to get us dinner that night and when he walked in the door there was a vodka bottle stuck in the back of his pants!! Gee, does he think I'm stupid?? Needless to say, he couldn't walk, talk or anything in between within about 30 mins. I will say I have recovered quite nicely in that I didn't react. I was very calm, put him in bed and let him be. Today he got up and just kept threatening me with his lawyer, etc. It was very ugly and I finally asked him to call a cab and get out. I found 3 empty bottles in his suitcase and a ton of benzos. Not sure what those are for but I can't imagine its good to be mixing? I'm just so frustrated. I feel like he did it all because I wasn't kind enough, or loving enough or whatever. I know that I shouldn't think that way but sometimes its hard not to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Wait, wait, back up the Soul Train
He drank because he chose to drink. Don't go telling yourself it was because of what you said. I don't know about anyone else, but I got to the point where I could tell when my A was going to drink before he even hit the liquor store. I think a lot of Anon's have this kind of precognition.
Don't beat yourself up over what happened. I know it's frustrating to try again and have your attempt fail. Try to look at it as a learning experience.
Hugs to you, I hope you are feeling better about all this soon.
Peace,
Gabe
Don't beat yourself up over what happened. I know it's frustrating to try again and have your attempt fail. Try to look at it as a learning experience.
Hugs to you, I hope you are feeling better about all this soon.
Peace,
Gabe
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Paige,
He needs an excuse and you are it. If he didn't blame someone or something he would have to look at himself and that is painful for him. It is a shame that you had to go through what you did but it takes what it takes for us to arrive where we land and you are a bit smarter today than yesterday.
Hugs,
JT
He needs an excuse and you are it. If he didn't blame someone or something he would have to look at himself and that is painful for him. It is a shame that you had to go through what you did but it takes what it takes for us to arrive where we land and you are a bit smarter today than yesterday.
Hugs,
JT
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Paige,
You didn't do diddly squat to make him drink. It was his choice.
Now about those boundaries you had set????
You hang in there, Paige. You do the next best thing for YOU!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
You didn't do diddly squat to make him drink. It was his choice.
Now about those boundaries you had set????
You hang in there, Paige. You do the next best thing for YOU!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Paige,
It appears that our circumstances are very similar right now. My A has been sober, this time, approx. 70 days. We separated three months ago, but he still spends quite a bit of time at our house to "spend time with the kids." Instead of spending time with the kids, he'll come into whatever room I'm in, close the door, lock it and begin to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, until we, usually, end up in a confrontation and argue. He's always wanting to fix things and control me and everything around him. Like you, I won't live with him, because I don't trust him.
I, too, am having a difficult time with boundaries. In fact, I'm seeing a Christian counselor who gave me a book called Boundaries....it is EXCELLENT. I'm a compliant......never saying no when I should. This has been a destructive pattern for during our entire relationship. I met him when I was very young....he's older and, at the time, I thought provided security for me. Instead, we've had 22 years (20 of them married) of one crisis after another. Same thing each time.....he'd drink, mess up, apologize, show remorse and regret, sometimes go to AA......he'd be sober for 2 months, four months, six months or a year (?), and do it all over again. I'd get hurt, angry, threaten, go to Al Anon or a therapist, support him, stand by him, protect our children from his actions or consequences, and work to trust him, again and again and again. What has hurt the most is his tendency towards sexual stuff, and other women. My A is an over-acheiver and has a very successful career. One time when he was up for a promotion, a female co-worker emerged and told high-level corp. that if he received the promotion, she would file a sexual harrassment charge against him. I stood by him then. This is just one of many events that have occured over the years. He does admit to being a alcoholic, but denies sex addiction. My Christian counselor is telling me otherwise.
I think I just reached a point in January, during the most recent alcohol-involved events, that I could not take it anymore. I felt indifferent. No anger, no love....just plain sick and tired of it. Tired of the controlling, the manipulation and being isolated from my friends. I've lost so many good, close friends because I have not been capable of investing time and energy to those who I've cared about. Spent too many years being a Mom to four children, instead of three. I'm responsible for that. I blame no one but myself.
We do have three fabulous kids, and I do have a strong career. I'm totally a different person within my profession. Confident, assertive and capable. With my husband, I'm a passive pleaser who just craves peace and harmony.
I'm new to this site, Paige, but not new to this illness. I've been through family treatment programs and have sought out everything possible to take care of myself. It's a long post, but my fingers just would not stop!
Take care, Paige. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I suggest you pick up the book called Boundaries written by Dr's Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
God Bless,
S
It appears that our circumstances are very similar right now. My A has been sober, this time, approx. 70 days. We separated three months ago, but he still spends quite a bit of time at our house to "spend time with the kids." Instead of spending time with the kids, he'll come into whatever room I'm in, close the door, lock it and begin to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, until we, usually, end up in a confrontation and argue. He's always wanting to fix things and control me and everything around him. Like you, I won't live with him, because I don't trust him.
I, too, am having a difficult time with boundaries. In fact, I'm seeing a Christian counselor who gave me a book called Boundaries....it is EXCELLENT. I'm a compliant......never saying no when I should. This has been a destructive pattern for during our entire relationship. I met him when I was very young....he's older and, at the time, I thought provided security for me. Instead, we've had 22 years (20 of them married) of one crisis after another. Same thing each time.....he'd drink, mess up, apologize, show remorse and regret, sometimes go to AA......he'd be sober for 2 months, four months, six months or a year (?), and do it all over again. I'd get hurt, angry, threaten, go to Al Anon or a therapist, support him, stand by him, protect our children from his actions or consequences, and work to trust him, again and again and again. What has hurt the most is his tendency towards sexual stuff, and other women. My A is an over-acheiver and has a very successful career. One time when he was up for a promotion, a female co-worker emerged and told high-level corp. that if he received the promotion, she would file a sexual harrassment charge against him. I stood by him then. This is just one of many events that have occured over the years. He does admit to being a alcoholic, but denies sex addiction. My Christian counselor is telling me otherwise.
I think I just reached a point in January, during the most recent alcohol-involved events, that I could not take it anymore. I felt indifferent. No anger, no love....just plain sick and tired of it. Tired of the controlling, the manipulation and being isolated from my friends. I've lost so many good, close friends because I have not been capable of investing time and energy to those who I've cared about. Spent too many years being a Mom to four children, instead of three. I'm responsible for that. I blame no one but myself.
We do have three fabulous kids, and I do have a strong career. I'm totally a different person within my profession. Confident, assertive and capable. With my husband, I'm a passive pleaser who just craves peace and harmony.
I'm new to this site, Paige, but not new to this illness. I've been through family treatment programs and have sought out everything possible to take care of myself. It's a long post, but my fingers just would not stop!
Take care, Paige. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I suggest you pick up the book called Boundaries written by Dr's Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
God Bless,
S
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