Screaming!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Screaming!
Just had a lovely chat with Mommy Dearest. My mother. 80 years old and still practicing her abuse. She is not an alcoholic. I don't know what is wrong with her, but something is. I'm 54 years old, and she still verbally abuses me, just as she did when I was little (not pretty, too fat, not smart, nobody likes me, nobody wants to play with me). Constantly beating me down. Constantly making me feel worthless.
She asked me what was going on with my daughter's surgery plans (gastro bypass). I told her I had no idea, we don't ever discuss it. (You see... I choose not to get sucked into my manic depressive daughter's life and grand ideas... If she wants to talk to me about it, she can. But I'm not going to make her business MY business. This works for me. We are on good terms.) Mother said, "You're not giving her any advice?" "No," I said. (How could I advise her on something I know nothing about?) Then she says, "You're not a very nurturing mother, are you? You're cold and hard. I don't know what has happened to you. You're not cuddly." I said, "You mean like YOU?" Then I just laughed.
She is a crazy, crazy woman. When she sees she can't control someone, she stoops to hurtful verbal abuse. If she thinks I am hard, it is because I had to develop a shell to protect myself from her constant, degrading insults.
I can tell you this, honestly... 18 years with an alcoholic was not near as bad as 17 years under my sober mother's roof. And that's the truth.
I guess this post does not belong here, since my mother is not an alcoholic. But I just couldn't keep my anger inside. I want to scream!
She asked me what was going on with my daughter's surgery plans (gastro bypass). I told her I had no idea, we don't ever discuss it. (You see... I choose not to get sucked into my manic depressive daughter's life and grand ideas... If she wants to talk to me about it, she can. But I'm not going to make her business MY business. This works for me. We are on good terms.) Mother said, "You're not giving her any advice?" "No," I said. (How could I advise her on something I know nothing about?) Then she says, "You're not a very nurturing mother, are you? You're cold and hard. I don't know what has happened to you. You're not cuddly." I said, "You mean like YOU?" Then I just laughed.
She is a crazy, crazy woman. When she sees she can't control someone, she stoops to hurtful verbal abuse. If she thinks I am hard, it is because I had to develop a shell to protect myself from her constant, degrading insults.
I can tell you this, honestly... 18 years with an alcoholic was not near as bad as 17 years under my sober mother's roof. And that's the truth.
I guess this post does not belong here, since my mother is not an alcoholic. But I just couldn't keep my anger inside. I want to scream!
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Of course your post belongs here.... she sounds just as sick as any Codie I have met....
I had to place boundries with my mother. Along time ago she was abusive and I just could not take it... so I told her that if she continued the behavior I would detach and not talk with him. I told her exactally what I found rude... Well..... we did not talk for about 3 years ... but in the end of my Mothers life we became very good friends and when I hear all that she grew up with I found compassion.... and she found respect for me.
Now Im doing it with my daughter, when she says rude things.... I let her know I feel they are uncalled for and if she continues then not to call me unless she can find that loving part of her... I think it is starting to work... we will see.
I had to place boundries with my mother. Along time ago she was abusive and I just could not take it... so I told her that if she continued the behavior I would detach and not talk with him. I told her exactally what I found rude... Well..... we did not talk for about 3 years ... but in the end of my Mothers life we became very good friends and when I hear all that she grew up with I found compassion.... and she found respect for me.
Now Im doing it with my daughter, when she says rude things.... I let her know I feel they are uncalled for and if she continues then not to call me unless she can find that loving part of her... I think it is starting to work... we will see.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Wow! Your mom sounds like my mom's twin sister! My dad was the alcoholic and I go to ACA meetings, but there is no doubt that my mother has had the bigger (negative) impact on my life. Whenever I don't agree with what she says or support her in her codependent thinking or just plain do what she thinks I should do she tells me I am cold and mean, that she could never be as mean as I am, or that I am the Ice Woman,etc.
Only recently was I able to identify what was going on. She is still verbally abusing me and she doesn't even see it. It just brings back all that hurt and anger from my childhood - I am 40 years old for goodness sakes!
I have realized that I need to set some boundaries with her, whether or not she "gets it". The next time one of these situations occurs I plan on saying something like, "That is name callling. It is not ok for you to call me names just because I don't agree with you or you don't understand my position. I will not talk to you when you call me names." Or something like that. Yuck! I don't know. It almost is like stirring the pot because it has gone on unchallenged for so long. But I think it is an important part of my recovery to set a boundary about how I will be treated. The damage just continues otherwise. I have no idea how it will go!
Gosh, sorry for just going off. This just really hit close to home!
-K
Only recently was I able to identify what was going on. She is still verbally abusing me and she doesn't even see it. It just brings back all that hurt and anger from my childhood - I am 40 years old for goodness sakes!
I have realized that I need to set some boundaries with her, whether or not she "gets it". The next time one of these situations occurs I plan on saying something like, "That is name callling. It is not ok for you to call me names just because I don't agree with you or you don't understand my position. I will not talk to you when you call me names." Or something like that. Yuck! I don't know. It almost is like stirring the pot because it has gone on unchallenged for so long. But I think it is an important part of my recovery to set a boundary about how I will be treated. The damage just continues otherwise. I have no idea how it will go!
Gosh, sorry for just going off. This just really hit close to home!
-K
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
You're post definately belongs here. Everything we deal with in our past molds us into who we are today. and It all has a huge impact in our lives. Whether she is an alcoholic or not....this forum is for friends and families of alcoholics addicts and that includes our struggle with codependancy which your mother may have had a big part in.
JMHO
Scream away.....
JMHO
Scream away.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
It's really weird. I've been in and out of therapy for more than 20 years. Everytime I started therapy, I'd tell my story and nutshell my problems. Then the therapist would lean forward and ask, "Which one of your parents is the alcoholic?" Neither of my parents are/were alcoholics. Not my parents. Not my grandparents, aunts, uncles... no one. There was always the celebratory glass of sherry at Christmas, but that was it.
I can definitely look back and see how I developed my codependent issues. I can see how my mother created such low self-esteem in me that I entered harmful, unhealthy relationships. There was a lot of violence growing up, but it was mostly directed at my father (slapping, hitting, kicking, screaming, spitting, locking him out of the house, threatening divorce). My brother and I were horribly verbally abused. We were terrified of going on a car trip with her. She always got really mad on car trips. She would start yelling at my Dad and would grab for the wheel and keep pulling on it. The car would go all over the road. I would cry. My brother would sort of zone out.
She always had these uncontrollable fits of rage over the smallest things. Then she would calm down and act as if nothing had ever happened. Example: She once yelled and screamed at me for hours because I had allowed my friend to see inside of our refrigerator when I opened it to get something out. Nothing made sense.
I don't think I can forgive her for the past. She's never shown any remorse for anything she has ever done. I just wish I knew what was wrong with her. A name for her problem.
I can definitely look back and see how I developed my codependent issues. I can see how my mother created such low self-esteem in me that I entered harmful, unhealthy relationships. There was a lot of violence growing up, but it was mostly directed at my father (slapping, hitting, kicking, screaming, spitting, locking him out of the house, threatening divorce). My brother and I were horribly verbally abused. We were terrified of going on a car trip with her. She always got really mad on car trips. She would start yelling at my Dad and would grab for the wheel and keep pulling on it. The car would go all over the road. I would cry. My brother would sort of zone out.
She always had these uncontrollable fits of rage over the smallest things. Then she would calm down and act as if nothing had ever happened. Example: She once yelled and screamed at me for hours because I had allowed my friend to see inside of our refrigerator when I opened it to get something out. Nothing made sense.
I don't think I can forgive her for the past. She's never shown any remorse for anything she has ever done. I just wish I knew what was wrong with her. A name for her problem.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I too heard the negative comments about my weight, one day I would be to fat the next day I was to skinny. In the morning my hair would look horrible when I would come home my hair was so cute. I would have to much make up on an hour later I would be told to put some lipstick or something on, I looked to pale. Talk about being confused and insecure. Those two words describe my mother to a Tee. She would project her insecurities towards me. She also is extremely codie and I now understand where much of my own codie behavior came from. My mother wouldn't rage she was very passive aggressive, still is. She has always and still does attempt to control everyone around her with quilt, manipulation and being the martyr. I began attending al-anon in order to deal with my fathers drinking. She came with me to several meeting but when she realized her own behavior was also sick, she stopped going.
I have learned to keep it quick and simple with my mother. She is negative in nature and it’s draining to be around her for any length of time. I resent how she is and the things she has said to me in the past and sometimes continues to say but I have learned to accept her sickness and I am thankful I have stopped many of those codie traits she taught me.
There is a saying – history doesn’t repeat itself, people repeat history---and I refuse to repeat her history!!!!!
It sounds to me like you have a far healthier relationship with your daughter then you ever had with you mom. You are allowing your daughter to talk with you when she feels comfortable and not forcing her or telling her or making her do those things our mothers have done to us. My mother is great for saying things to me like “you need to make your son wear a jacket its’ cold outside” my son is 21 years old if he doesn’t know its’ cold when he walks out the door and doesn’t put a jacket on then o well, he’ll be cold.
I have learned to keep it quick and simple with my mother. She is negative in nature and it’s draining to be around her for any length of time. I resent how she is and the things she has said to me in the past and sometimes continues to say but I have learned to accept her sickness and I am thankful I have stopped many of those codie traits she taught me.
There is a saying – history doesn’t repeat itself, people repeat history---and I refuse to repeat her history!!!!!
It sounds to me like you have a far healthier relationship with your daughter then you ever had with you mom. You are allowing your daughter to talk with you when she feels comfortable and not forcing her or telling her or making her do those things our mothers have done to us. My mother is great for saying things to me like “you need to make your son wear a jacket its’ cold outside” my son is 21 years old if he doesn’t know its’ cold when he walks out the door and doesn’t put a jacket on then o well, he’ll be cold.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sure you belong here.
My Mom is 81 and is an alcoholic...still tossing em down daily, mostly all day until she passes out.
I have the same type of relationship with her, toxic, I try and stay an arms length away, for my sanity. Not easy sometimes.
Let her quacking directed at you roll off your back...she is insecure and her insecurities are glaring. If she puts you down, she feels better, weird concept, but, that is what my mother does, over and over again...she then can avoid looking at herself.
My Mom is 81 and is an alcoholic...still tossing em down daily, mostly all day until she passes out.
I have the same type of relationship with her, toxic, I try and stay an arms length away, for my sanity. Not easy sometimes.
Let her quacking directed at you roll off your back...she is insecure and her insecurities are glaring. If she puts you down, she feels better, weird concept, but, that is what my mother does, over and over again...she then can avoid looking at herself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well Hope, we have th same mother.
My mother once told me that if abortions were legal when she was having babies, none of us would be here. Funny huh? I think your post belongs here because there is a reason we settle for what we do.
My father drank. My mother kept having babies back int he fifties and sixties becaue that's what women did. She got a job as a bartender, had several affairs that my father was too drunk to know about.
My father came to me when I was about 15 and asked me what I knew about it. I told him. I got thrown out. For about two years I lived with my grandparents. At 51, I get it. At 15, I didn't.
My mother is selfish and mean. She is nice to everyone but me. I am somehow in servitude to her. If and when she ever says anything nice to me, it is after I have completed her list of tasks.
I wouldn't know where to begin.
I will tell you that in my 51 years, she has never, not once said she loves me. She has never told me I was pretty. She has never hugged me. She has never supported me. My husband is from much the same kind of home.
He drank it away. My mother does hurtful things intentionally and that's what I can't abide. My mother is now an old lady too. She needs. What are you going to do?
When she dies, she will leave debt and a mess for one of us kids to clean up and deal with, that will be me.
I can look back and see how my life would have been different if I had a loving mother, it really hurts when I had my own kids. I can't imagine treating them that way.
I just try to remember, she is no further ahead by acting that way.
I could go on and on about the devasting things my parents did as i was growing up but I won't.
Recently, I have been very bothered by one thing. I had two uncles from opposite sides of the family who tried to molest me as a teenager. I told and nothing was done about it. My mother told me to "just shut up about it, they were drunk". There are times I could slap her face because she has no idea how much her unprotective and unmotherly attitude has hurt me over and over again. She instilled that ist is OK to hurt me.
I have often wondered is when she dies, will I cry or will the weight of the world be off my shoulders?
My mother once told me that if abortions were legal when she was having babies, none of us would be here. Funny huh? I think your post belongs here because there is a reason we settle for what we do.
My father drank. My mother kept having babies back int he fifties and sixties becaue that's what women did. She got a job as a bartender, had several affairs that my father was too drunk to know about.
My father came to me when I was about 15 and asked me what I knew about it. I told him. I got thrown out. For about two years I lived with my grandparents. At 51, I get it. At 15, I didn't.
My mother is selfish and mean. She is nice to everyone but me. I am somehow in servitude to her. If and when she ever says anything nice to me, it is after I have completed her list of tasks.
I wouldn't know where to begin.
I will tell you that in my 51 years, she has never, not once said she loves me. She has never told me I was pretty. She has never hugged me. She has never supported me. My husband is from much the same kind of home.
He drank it away. My mother does hurtful things intentionally and that's what I can't abide. My mother is now an old lady too. She needs. What are you going to do?
When she dies, she will leave debt and a mess for one of us kids to clean up and deal with, that will be me.
I can look back and see how my life would have been different if I had a loving mother, it really hurts when I had my own kids. I can't imagine treating them that way.
I just try to remember, she is no further ahead by acting that way.
I could go on and on about the devasting things my parents did as i was growing up but I won't.
Recently, I have been very bothered by one thing. I had two uncles from opposite sides of the family who tried to molest me as a teenager. I told and nothing was done about it. My mother told me to "just shut up about it, they were drunk". There are times I could slap her face because she has no idea how much her unprotective and unmotherly attitude has hurt me over and over again. She instilled that ist is OK to hurt me.
I have often wondered is when she dies, will I cry or will the weight of the world be off my shoulders?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
In a way I am very blessed. I see it all in action as an adult. I get to pick up babies who don't get picked up. I get to hum a lullaby in their little ears knowing it may be the only one they here.
All little girls are beutiful and I tell them so. All little boys are little rascals that love it when you chase them around and hug the stuffing out of them.
My best work partner was removed from her home at age 5 because her father was sexually abusing her after her mother abandoned them. She was raised in Foster care. I told her a fine pair we make!
Here is a real slice of serendipity!
This other nurse and i met at age 48. We are the same age. She told me her story as we seemed to have a kindred relationship from day one. We worked together for several weeks before she discovered the town I lived in. She said, that's where I lived before I got taken away. She was removed from home in kindergarten. Turns out we were in the same class in kindergarten.
45 years later, we work together and are good friends.
I see how little it takes to get a smile out of a little kid, that makes me feel good, but it also makes me realize I wasn't even worth that much.
Here's the good news. After it is all said and done, I wasn't the one screwed up. If I am crazy, I'm crazy enough not to know it.
Hope you may laugh, but here's my suggestion, find a hilltop and go there. Build up some wind and let out a few primal screams. You could do this on Main Street but it would scare the poop out of everyone.
You could also let one out the next time your mother starts in. Mom/boogieman might realize she's lost her salt.
All little girls are beutiful and I tell them so. All little boys are little rascals that love it when you chase them around and hug the stuffing out of them.
My best work partner was removed from her home at age 5 because her father was sexually abusing her after her mother abandoned them. She was raised in Foster care. I told her a fine pair we make!
Here is a real slice of serendipity!
This other nurse and i met at age 48. We are the same age. She told me her story as we seemed to have a kindred relationship from day one. We worked together for several weeks before she discovered the town I lived in. She said, that's where I lived before I got taken away. She was removed from home in kindergarten. Turns out we were in the same class in kindergarten.
45 years later, we work together and are good friends.
I see how little it takes to get a smile out of a little kid, that makes me feel good, but it also makes me realize I wasn't even worth that much.
Here's the good news. After it is all said and done, I wasn't the one screwed up. If I am crazy, I'm crazy enough not to know it.
Hope you may laugh, but here's my suggestion, find a hilltop and go there. Build up some wind and let out a few primal screams. You could do this on Main Street but it would scare the poop out of everyone.
You could also let one out the next time your mother starts in. Mom/boogieman might realize she's lost her salt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Hi!
We're here to help each other.
Go ahead and scream! I always held my anger inside. Anger turned inward becomes depression. I always thought it was wrong to get angry. I try to distance myself from toxic people now. Not saying anything negative towards your mother, but perhaps you need to distance yourself from her hurtful words. I live with an alcoholic who is very abusive. It is challenging, but I know that I need to take care of myself. Try not to get sucked in to all the negative words. It is not worth it! I'm just living one day at a time.
Wishing you the best and keeping you in my prayers!
Grace
We're here to help each other.
Go ahead and scream! I always held my anger inside. Anger turned inward becomes depression. I always thought it was wrong to get angry. I try to distance myself from toxic people now. Not saying anything negative towards your mother, but perhaps you need to distance yourself from her hurtful words. I live with an alcoholic who is very abusive. It is challenging, but I know that I need to take care of myself. Try not to get sucked in to all the negative words. It is not worth it! I'm just living one day at a time.
Wishing you the best and keeping you in my prayers!
Grace
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Of course this post belongs here Hope2!!!!! It is something that is affecting you and your recovery.
I read your post and thought "gee do we have the same mother, or is her mother my mother's twin sister?"
Like what was said above I had to set Boundaries with my mother. I simply told her that when she started her verbal abuse I would hang up and if I was visiting I would leave. It got so bad that I didn't talk with her for 5 years.
I moved in those 5 years also so she didn't have my phone number. I reached out and made contact in August of 92 hen Hurricane Andrew was headed their way. After that, until her passing in 2004 we had a pretty decent relationship as two adult women. Oh that's not to say that she wouldn't fall back to her old ways, lol, but I would quickly remind her that I was no longer 16 so STOP IT, and she would.
Mom always said she wanted to be NOTHING like her mother (roflmao) and in reality she was just like gramma! She tried to play my sister and I against each other, just the way gramma did with her and my uncle. Fortunately, because we both lived a fair distance from Mom and Dad, we would compare notes weekly with each other, after our phone calls with mom. OH and to get to talk to Dad we would have to call when we knew mom was out doing her voluteering, lol . She just always picked up the phone otherwise.
Give yourself some space. It's okay to set BOUNDARIES with your mom. She may fuss (kick her heels and rant, lmao) but eventually she will get it. You have respect for yourself today Hope 2, and you have recovery. I have found in recovery that how I treat others today is a direct result of being in recovery.
Scream and vent all you want to, I think most of us have had "mother problems" sometime in our lives. It is usually very frustrating!!!! So vent away!!!!
I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but I would suggest for your own sanity to give yourself a 'break' from mom.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
I read your post and thought "gee do we have the same mother, or is her mother my mother's twin sister?"
Like what was said above I had to set Boundaries with my mother. I simply told her that when she started her verbal abuse I would hang up and if I was visiting I would leave. It got so bad that I didn't talk with her for 5 years.
I moved in those 5 years also so she didn't have my phone number. I reached out and made contact in August of 92 hen Hurricane Andrew was headed their way. After that, until her passing in 2004 we had a pretty decent relationship as two adult women. Oh that's not to say that she wouldn't fall back to her old ways, lol, but I would quickly remind her that I was no longer 16 so STOP IT, and she would.
Mom always said she wanted to be NOTHING like her mother (roflmao) and in reality she was just like gramma! She tried to play my sister and I against each other, just the way gramma did with her and my uncle. Fortunately, because we both lived a fair distance from Mom and Dad, we would compare notes weekly with each other, after our phone calls with mom. OH and to get to talk to Dad we would have to call when we knew mom was out doing her voluteering, lol . She just always picked up the phone otherwise.
Give yourself some space. It's okay to set BOUNDARIES with your mom. She may fuss (kick her heels and rant, lmao) but eventually she will get it. You have respect for yourself today Hope 2, and you have recovery. I have found in recovery that how I treat others today is a direct result of being in recovery.
Scream and vent all you want to, I think most of us have had "mother problems" sometime in our lives. It is usually very frustrating!!!! So vent away!!!!
I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but I would suggest for your own sanity to give yourself a 'break' from mom.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
my husband was talking to one of his alanon friends the other day who has an alcoholic dad who says hateful things. so here's what he does - whenever his dad says something to him like, "you're stupid" or "you're an idiot for not ...blah blah blah" - he pretends that his dad calls him a can of corn. i mean, if someone told you that you were a can of corn - you'd never believe THAT, would you?
i liked this one. i'll never look at a can of corn the same!
blessings, k
i liked this one. i'll never look at a can of corn the same!
blessings, k
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