chero

I was reading another post and someone brought up an issue that reminded of something I did and completely regret...sort of. It isn't something I can change but it was something life altering and now I wonder (all the time) what to do and how to move on. My AH brings it up every time he is drunk because he blames me for how things ended up for us. I don't know...

Anybody else have regrets? How do you get passed them when they aren't things you can change? I feel like I ruined my AH's life (and so does he...but he had a part in it, too).

Any regrets out there?

WhatAboutME

I have more regrets in dealing w/ my husband's drinking than I care to admit. And I have certainly done some spiteful things to "hurt" him the way I felt he hurt me with his drinking. As time goes on and I try to focus more on me, my episodes have subsided a bit, or at least become less confrontational. I try not to beat myself up too much and learn from my set backs and make changes accordingly. Baby steps, baby steps...

Cynay

I have regrets ... plenty of them.... and I keep making the mistakes too.

I just made one this week and I fear I lost someone that is very dear to my heart because of it.....

How do I get past them? I have learned to forgive myself. I have learned that Im a good person that makes mistakes just like everyone else. I try very hard to take care of that little girl inside of me ... so she does not feel like she did when she was berated as a child. Tell me, would you tell your bestfriend to beat herself up like that for her mistakes???? Then dont do it to yourself. Make you heartfelt amends, practice a living amends and let God take care of the rest hon.

cmc

I do the same as Cynay- I try to learn from my mistakes and forgive myself for making them. The best way I know to do that is to take positive actions- whether to make amends or just let it go and focus on living in today.

Re the blame thing.... you did not force him to drink, you didn't go buy it and pour it down his throat. I am 'allowed' to feel sorry for my own actions but I never make anyone do anything. People do what _they_ want to do.

FormerDoormat

I think there's only one way to get over the regrets we have over past mistakes: forgive ourselves for being human.

chero

There is no making amends for some things, I'm afraid. ??!!?!?!
Hmm...I've been sitting here thinking about it and how I've "ruined" my AH's life and funny thing is I feel he did the same to me. Except I know he's right.

Your opinions are valuable to me. Thanks sooo much!

SaTiT

It depends what you defind as regrets.

Don't get guilt confuse with regrets

from a song

" oh..a woman can not take a man to where he already knows how to go himself"

Cynay

It would help if you told me how you think you ruined his life....

He is a grown man, you cant "make" him do anything hon. Your just not that powerful.

Sunflower

you don't even want me to go there!!!

Aura

Don't we all wish we could return into the past and do many things better, differently, as we see it from the today's perspective. At those times we could see things only from those times perspective. We can only influence what is NOW. We cannot change the past.

aztchr

The main regret I have is letting too much time pass without taking care of myself first. Everyone else's needs came before mine. I'm making up for lost time now and it feels great!!

prodigal

You can make amends. If he chooses not to accept it, that's his business. You have done what you need to do to have a clear conscience. Nobody can ruin anyone else's life. They can try and they can do some pretty bad damage, but ruin? Nope. Nobody is permitted to ruin my life unless I allow them to do so. We make choices in a partner. What happens after that is a consequence of our choice.

If your AH is stuck on bringing up the same old thing everytime he gets drunk, you have a choice not to listen to him. You can leave the house, leave the room, call a friend, visit a friend, go see a movie. See, you do have some choices not to listen to that nonsense.

chero

Reading all your posts made me think. While maybe I did start the ball rolling, what happened took him, too, to make a decision. If he didn't want to he shouldn't have. What happened I did thinking I was protecting myself. What he did was an attempt to make me happy. Clearly, two wrongs don't make a right.
The problem seems to be that neither of us can admit to the other our motives. I can't say I did this because you drink too much and he can't say I did this because it's what I thought you wanted. He regrets it and I don't.
I just regret my motives and the fact that he is so hurt by it. But it did not cause him to drink. Dadgumit! I didn't make him drink!
I fear I have not thought my last thought on this one.....

Zoey

When they drink don't they play the blame game for an excuse.
Is that the one and only thing he blames you for? Think hard.
Just a thought.

Grasshopper

Of course you didnt --make---him drink.
Now believe it in your inner most self,no matter what.
Non-alcoholics,go through pretty much the same stresses,,issues,,in life as alcoholics.The non-alcoholic doesnt drink over them,the alcoholic at times does.Why?Because thats what alcoholics do,drink.Non-alcoholics,dont.
What has this ,disease,got,to do with others?
Nothing.
Alcoholism is a disease,that no one else owns.No matter what the situation,what another says or doesnt say.Alcoholism,is not an outside isssue.its all an inner-issue,of that person.
regrets,i make my ammends,to another for my part,and make sure i dont repeat,learning new ways ,and,learn from my experience.

melbar4

I regret not getting help with how to deal with this sooner. I regret thinking I could handle it myself and then resorting to the low levels I did while trying to make him see the hurt he was causing me and the kids. I regret so much but shouldn't he regret more. Sad thing, he doesn't. Do alcoholics have a conscious?
You must forgive yourself and know that the mistakes you made were made with the best of intentions for everyone. More than likely, his were made selfishly, with him benefiting only.
I would definitely do things differently while looking back but that applies in many parts of my life, not just the battle with alcoholism.
I feel your battle. ****{HUGS}}}
Melbar

chero

Thanks you guys for some perspective! Zoey asked me if that was the only thing he blamed me for...now that I think about it. It's not. It's just that is the one thing I feel so guilty for. Which made me remeber that someone else said not to confuse guilt with regrets...?? Hmm...off to think! Thanks!
, Cheryl

Sunflower

Thinking of you----