JessicaNAJ

Tuesday night I went to the movies with a friend. I guess you could call it a date (I have no clue what a date is). Anyway, he picked me up and we to this movie premier thing. I got the passes from work and there were other people from work were going. I told my kids I was going to a work thing. (My son's counsellor tells me not to tell the kids I want to date other people b/c they just got their dad back and if something goes wrong and he stops coming around, they could blame me. She said to give it a little more time before I have that talk with them...it's too soon.)

Anyway...I was going to tell G about it this weekend, so he knows that I went to the movie and may start seeing other people. He asked me on Tuesday how my day was. I told him it was good and that I went to the movie. Nothing more was said....until yesterday.

He asked me if it was a date. I could have just not responded or told him it was none of his business, but I like to be honest and forward. I told him that it depends on how he defines a date. Did he pick me up? Yes. Then more questions. I answered everyone of them.

He said me doing this is telling him I'm ready to move on. He handled it very well. He didn't put blame on me, didn't throw guilt at me and in midst of our conversation, he took responsibility for his actions in the past. Huge shock....he's really showing signs of acceptance and change.


SO.......why do I feel so bad???? Why do I feel guilty? A friend asked me if I felt like I cheated on him. I don't....I just went with friend (a new friend) to a movie. After thinking about where my feelings were coming from....I think i'm having CoDe feelings. I feel like I'm letting G down, like I'm hurting him, like he's going to hate me. I KNOW....I'm taking responsibility for his feelings. They aren't mine and I need to let them go. (DeJaVu) I still feel bad though........ and a little scared.

I worry too about the kids (mainly my son). How will they look at me when I tell them that I might see other people? They want me and their dad to get back together. Now that we are getting along and he's been around more, they feel that even stronger. Am I misleading my own kids? Or do I really want G to be around?

Back to me being confused....I know I need to move forward, but am I ready to move on? Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this. Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard to go forward. I keep pushing forward, but i feel like I'm crumbling. Maybe I should give it one last chance??? But will I ever be truly happy? Comfortable, yes. What is true happiness? If I don't move forward, will I ever know?

lots of questions.....

FormerDoormat

My thoughts are that you are a strong, intelligent person, a wonderful mother and a compassionate and devoted friend to G. You will figure out what's the best course for you.

StandingStrong

Jessica, I really don't have a response.

I guess that it all comes down to how YOU feel.

But the one thing that I want to tell you is this:
I realize now just how much guilt that I felt over the past few years and alot of it was not mine to feel. It kept me "Stuck" and though I seemed to have let go of the past, I was unable to move forward with my life.
In hindsite, I can tell you that the last few years were an emotional H*ll - one that I created for myself. And if I could, I'd go back and do things differently.
The point is that I carried that guilt and in the end, it nearly destroyed my life. I had given up my life, I had come to really not like myself, and I hurt people along that process.
Today, I'm finally guilt free and I'm ready to move forward with my life. I just hope that you won't have to go through the H*ll that I did to get to that place.

On another thought - why is it that G is coming over to your house to see the kids - which is in essence also spending time with you? That, in itself, I would feel would give your kids the sense of "family" and that may also be what is encouraging their feelings of possibly thinking that you two may get back together.
In most relationships, the kids do want their parents back together - that is normal.

But Jessica - you have to remember that this is your life and really decide what it is that you want.
Are you thinking of giving G another chance?

Nuudawn

Jess...you seem to have a whole lot of concerns, confusion and questions for someone who is seriously considering another emotional involvement. I might give that a bit of a rest. How long have you and G been apart?

mallowcup

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a map through this part? I think your kids have a stable home life now. G may come and go. The kids will see that regardless of anything else, their home is now stable. They can count on a sane mother and safe pillow to lay their head on at night. Children understand the concept of friendship. You are at peace, you are happy. I think they would be more upset if you weren't. They used to never be sure of anything, they love G but they never felt safe like they do now. You have enabled them to DARE to let him in. Before, his drinking had too big an influence on their sense of security.

Cynay

When I divorced I felt alot of guilt for a very long time.... I had known my husband since I was 16 and we divorced at 28.

It was not my guilt to carry but after being with someone so long sometimes its just engrained in you. I have to agee, if you are not considering giving G a second chance then I would not put yourself in a "family" position. I guess I would start with G, really figure out what you want so you can either really let that go or try it one more time.

When your done with that the rest might just fall into place.

free2be

Jess,
I really do not know how to respond. I am just beginning divorce proceedings.

My kids know about the seperation and they already asking if I am going to remarry.

I can't even imagine the guilt that goes along with "dating".

I think it's great that you and "G" are able to continue a friendship. I think that it show's the kids that mom and dad love you, but they can't live together. Just make sure in their little heads that this isn't giving them false hope that Mommy and Daddy are getting back together.
Good luck.

SaTiT

changes...

steping out of our comfort zone always feel a little bit guilty at first.

And maybe is becuase you didn't tell the truth. Kids are alot more understanding
then we give them credit for....Trust me, my daugfhter at the age
of 4 taught me a lesson or two. Plus she wasn't as sick as I was.
She knows truth, forgivness, unconditional love becuase she came
into the world pure and still havn't forgotten who she is.
All i had to do was comunicate to her in her ways. The heart
never lies.

As we move forward with every steps, we will sometimes want to
run back to our old comfort zone, so the mind starts spining.

But every step forward we will sense liberation.

denny57

Is it? Or is he telling you so? The rest of your post tells me you're not sure what you're doing yet. That's ok. It's been a hard road for me - not letting people tell me what I think or feel.

I'd treat it like every other part of my recovery - one day at a time.

(((jess)))

BigGirlPanties

take the importance off what he thinks of your dating, into what YOU think of your dating.

Your life is not his business....

could there be another reason you are telling him? Let go....enjoy the new man. Focus on THIS relationship.

embraced2000

jess...when i'm in doubt, i wait. time will tell.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you all!! You've all given me a lot to think about and mentioned some things I've already considered....but thanks for reiteratting (sp).

I hate that out of control feeling....the feeling that my chest is all tight and I can't breathe or think of anything other than what is eating away at my mind.

I turned my attention on the kids and told myself I wasn't going to take anymore time away from them today. I have to break out of this "whatever it was". Then I felt a little calmer, things seemed brighter. I believe my HP helped me out tonight.....for now, my nerves are calm and I'm ok. I may not have all the answers to my questions, but "time will tell" and eventually the answers will come to me. I have to remember to be patient with myself too....how could I possibly know all the answers?


all subject to change tomorrow.....

Sunflower

You just try and do the best with what life hands you--it will all work out

AllTooSober

Jess, I know how you feel, sort of. A couple of weekends ago I met some friends for a movie, and the cousin of one of them was with too. I'd met this cousin before, and he's a nice enough fellow. I don't think my friends were trying to fix us up or anything, so this was even less of a date than your movie night. Anyway during the movie my ex-A-fiance called my cell and left a message, and when I saw that he'd called I felt SOOOO guilty that it rather spoiled the evening for me. Why should I feel guilty? And, why should you feel guilty? Who knows. I was left with a certainty that I'm not ready to date anybody, and that I'm barely ready to go out and have fun with my friends. I can't say what you're ready for; only you can decide that.

I guess this is just a lengthy way of saying that you're not alone. :-)

mallowcup

On the other hand.......did G ever curb his activity or give you a mintues thought when he was drinking? He's making you feel guilty. In the big picture, he had absolutely no right to ask you. It's non of his business. It was a movie. Frankly, if it had been a motel, that's none of his business. You have to practice helping him mind his own business. I would use this guilt reaction as a measure of his influence and I'd avoid all talk about you.