is there anyone out there who...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
is there anyone out there who...
is there anyone out there who has left their A in hopes they will find sobriety, and where the A actually came back into their lives after a period of time, sober?
just wondering if that's even possible...
just wondering if that's even possible...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi there, In answer to your post, my ex is an alcoholic/cocaine addict.. we would seperate, and then he would come back and be sober for awhile, just long enough for me to start to trust him again...I realize know being away from him is the best thing ever, everyone has to get to their rock bottom before they make positive changes in their lives..
God bless,
L2
God bless,
L2
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Yes. It happened in my case. We tried to make our marriage work after we both found some recovery. (him for alcholism, me for codependence) Sadly, it was not meant to be. I had the idea that if only the addiction was out of the way, then all the other problems could be worked out. Turns out we just didn't want the same things in life, even without the alcohol.
L
L
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Anythings possible, always keep that in mind. But keep in mind Him finding sobriety is on him, you have to know when to let go if he comes back and then finds himself down that road again. But you can end the cycle anytime YOU are ready.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'm sure anything is possible. AH (soon to be ex) is still drinking, but even if he stopped I believe my story would be like LaTeeDa's. Getting healthy myself has made me realize we are not compatible on many levels. I still pray for his recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
mmmm...that would be ME, cuz I'm so, so, so special.
and god loves me best.
Actually, I had to work vey , very, very hard.
Becuase basically , when I was dating and what have
ya....I notice i was attracted to certain types of women
with the familar triats. I had a radar out for them
conciously or sub conciously.
So, i knew, i had to work on myself before any kind
of relationship to work. If you reserch more into
co-dependcy, you would learn that you were
co-dependent before you had ever met your partner.
We just chioce partners that are sick and willing
to dance with us or rather feed our co-dependcy.
Just as a cop needs robers
or a Doctor needs a patiant
A hero needs a villan
Keeping my boundaries...protects me, but it also
protects her as well.
and it helps when the other person is clean and sober
and I'm clean and sober.
There's a saying....sometimes she gose through the back
door to get to AA...through Al-anon.lol
I met my GF in recovery the first 5 years were great.
We were both sober.
The pass 5 years...all hell broke loose.. We were both
sober. I relapsed with 11 years of sobriety. (2 weeks).
It's been over 2 years...My recovery started shifting
to co-depency reserch. I had a hard time accepting I 'm a codi. Live and learn...I guess.
She's been on a run for a while, while. But soberer up
almost 1 years now.
and god loves me best.
Actually, I had to work vey , very, very hard.
Becuase basically , when I was dating and what have
ya....I notice i was attracted to certain types of women
with the familar triats. I had a radar out for them
conciously or sub conciously.
So, i knew, i had to work on myself before any kind
of relationship to work. If you reserch more into
co-dependcy, you would learn that you were
co-dependent before you had ever met your partner.
We just chioce partners that are sick and willing
to dance with us or rather feed our co-dependcy.
Just as a cop needs robers
or a Doctor needs a patiant
A hero needs a villan
Keeping my boundaries...protects me, but it also
protects her as well.
and it helps when the other person is clean and sober
and I'm clean and sober.
There's a saying....sometimes she gose through the back
door to get to AA...through Al-anon.lol
I met my GF in recovery the first 5 years were great.
We were both sober.
The pass 5 years...all hell broke loose.. We were both
sober. I relapsed with 11 years of sobriety. (2 weeks).
It's been over 2 years...My recovery started shifting
to co-depency reserch. I had a hard time accepting I 'm a codi. Live and learn...I guess.
She's been on a run for a while, while. But soberer up
almost 1 years now.
Last edited by SaTiT; 03-10-2007 at 10:41 AM.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Your hope is both loving and natural. I know of one happy ending. A dear family friend reconciled after 5 years. She left because of his drinking...and he did sober up...but they did not reconcile for about 5 years. Once reconciled they had another child and are still going strong..both sober. They both went through a lot of personal transitions during their time apart.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
About 10 years a go, AH and I were at a neighbors house he became very drunk and extremly nasty. When we got home excuse me, when I took him home, he became very violent towords me. He blacked out I guess and didn't remember any of it. That scared him enough to stay away drinking for about 3-4 years.
He never got sober.... he just quit drinking.
I though that my AH is different and I am different, we love and understand eachother. We are going to be that one in a million couple. I was going to beat the odds. Pretty big gamble, I lost.
I would have done better in Vegas....
I want believe that anything is possible. I want to believe in happy endings.
For me that's probably why I stayed for so long.
He never got sober.... he just quit drinking.
I though that my AH is different and I am different, we love and understand eachother. We are going to be that one in a million couple. I was going to beat the odds. Pretty big gamble, I lost.
I would have done better in Vegas....
I want believe that anything is possible. I want to believe in happy endings.
For me that's probably why I stayed for so long.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
It's a long shot. Not to say it doesn't happen, because I've sat in plenty of AA meetings and seen it. But most of the A's were divorced. Their partners had left and gotten on with their lives. Perhaps that was part of their hitting bottom scenario - the partner walked out, along with losing their job, their dignity, their friends, their money, etc.
As a codie who pinned her hopes on AH staying sober after all three rehabs (and lasting 16 days sober once out - the longest stretch), I'd say it's betting a real long shot.
As a codie who pinned her hopes on AH staying sober after all three rehabs (and lasting 16 days sober once out - the longest stretch), I'd say it's betting a real long shot.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm sorry you're going through alot now, Free2be.
I met my GF in recovey , I never knew what kind of
a drunk she was. Holy mother of god...extreem violent.
She's totally the opposite when sober. Even if she
dosn't work a perfect program or half arss wing it.
What kept me holding on or willing try and try
again was...I'm an recovering alki. I had program
inside of me. I had a sort of compassion for her.
I knew deep down inside she was hurting...
Even so..I still went out of my freaken mind.
Dealing with the day to day chaos was sum'in else.
It pushed me into the younders.
We gone through so many seperations and what not.
As I said...I even started dating and started to move on.
The only way she got sober was...hands off on my part.
I had to let the sheit hit the fan..it was ugly.
As mention by Prodical. Everything she mentioned , happened.
I have a different job now, too.
Many, close door meeting with my boss as why i couldn't preform
as i use too...."Will la de freaken da...there's a two headed monster
at home, dude" i quit my job, becuase that was a co-depency relationship too.
I ended up sleeing in my freaken car for a month becuase
I became so dysfuntional and had to sorts things out.
And hands off still on me...not to pick up the pieces for her.
I also had to do my part...work on me.
With or without her I was going to move on.
There's a phrase in the Bible that I hung on to
when i first got clean and sober. I didn't even belive
or is religious. I didn't think I could get sober to begin with. i didn't know the 12 steps program existed.
" BE of good cheers, For I had overcame the world"
" with god anything is possiable"
I met my GF in recovey , I never knew what kind of
a drunk she was. Holy mother of god...extreem violent.
She's totally the opposite when sober. Even if she
dosn't work a perfect program or half arss wing it.
What kept me holding on or willing try and try
again was...I'm an recovering alki. I had program
inside of me. I had a sort of compassion for her.
I knew deep down inside she was hurting...
Even so..I still went out of my freaken mind.
Dealing with the day to day chaos was sum'in else.
It pushed me into the younders.
We gone through so many seperations and what not.
As I said...I even started dating and started to move on.
The only way she got sober was...hands off on my part.
I had to let the sheit hit the fan..it was ugly.
As mention by Prodical. Everything she mentioned , happened.
I have a different job now, too.
Many, close door meeting with my boss as why i couldn't preform
as i use too...."Will la de freaken da...there's a two headed monster
at home, dude" i quit my job, becuase that was a co-depency relationship too.
I ended up sleeing in my freaken car for a month becuase
I became so dysfuntional and had to sorts things out.
And hands off still on me...not to pick up the pieces for her.
I also had to do my part...work on me.
With or without her I was going to move on.
There's a phrase in the Bible that I hung on to
when i first got clean and sober. I didn't even belive
or is religious. I didn't think I could get sober to begin with. i didn't know the 12 steps program existed.
" BE of good cheers, For I had overcame the world"
" with god anything is possiable"
Last edited by SaTiT; 03-10-2007 at 12:02 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I would not suggest leaving your AH in the hopes it would make him get sober. When you think about it, this is just another way that you would be trying to control him, the disease and the outcome of your lives. He will get sober when he is ready -- usually after some really big crisis.
The best thing you can do is to create a life for yourself. You can do this by either staying in the marriage, or by leaving it. But the key is to focus only on yourself.
The best thing you can do is to create a life for yourself. You can do this by either staying in the marriage, or by leaving it. But the key is to focus only on yourself.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I guess it all depends on a person's idea of success. I asked Richard to move out two years ago. Not in hopes that he would get sober, but because I was unwilling to live with an active alcoholic any longer.
A few months later, he hit rock bottom, went to rehab, and became sober. He remained sober for 8 months. During that time, we spent weekends and holidays together, but we lived in separate homes.
I have to tell you that I cherished the sober time we were able to spend together and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. But the moment he began to drink again, I cut off all contact with him. I've realized that I don't have the strength to watch him self-destruct. When he's lost in his disease, I can't stop worrying about him and wondering what will happen to him. So, I've once again moved on without him.
I don't know what would happen if he were to become sober again. But one thing I do know is this: I will never live with him again. I can't live in fear of when or if he might drink again. And I'm not willing to give up the peace and serenity I have in my home now.
I wish him only the best and pray that he finds a path to sobriety. But I've learned that no action on my part will help him overcome his demons.
A few months later, he hit rock bottom, went to rehab, and became sober. He remained sober for 8 months. During that time, we spent weekends and holidays together, but we lived in separate homes.
I have to tell you that I cherished the sober time we were able to spend together and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. But the moment he began to drink again, I cut off all contact with him. I've realized that I don't have the strength to watch him self-destruct. When he's lost in his disease, I can't stop worrying about him and wondering what will happen to him. So, I've once again moved on without him.
I don't know what would happen if he were to become sober again. But one thing I do know is this: I will never live with him again. I can't live in fear of when or if he might drink again. And I'm not willing to give up the peace and serenity I have in my home now.
I wish him only the best and pray that he finds a path to sobriety. But I've learned that no action on my part will help him overcome his demons.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 26
(((((((((((((( InThisForMe ))))))))))))
From my experience, after we've been in recovery a bit we're no longer the same person we were. When we've been living in the disease, our perceptions have become distorted, so that we don't even know who we are. Recovery brings a new sense of self - to both the alcoholic and the family member - and often the result is that, without the common thread of the alcoholic's drinking and the family member trying to fix them, the couple finds that they really never had that much connection between them, and realize (after some pain) that their lives need to continue on separate paths. But though we struggle through the bumps, there's immeasurable joy for us down the road of life.
- Jim
From my experience, after we've been in recovery a bit we're no longer the same person we were. When we've been living in the disease, our perceptions have become distorted, so that we don't even know who we are. Recovery brings a new sense of self - to both the alcoholic and the family member - and often the result is that, without the common thread of the alcoholic's drinking and the family member trying to fix them, the couple finds that they really never had that much connection between them, and realize (after some pain) that their lives need to continue on separate paths. But though we struggle through the bumps, there's immeasurable joy for us down the road of life.
- Jim
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
thanks everyone! i need to keep reminding myself that there will be more out there for me... i just thought she was "the one," especially since she was sober the whole time we were together... then became friends with a new group of people, and some old ones she used to drink with, and she's totally changed back to who she used to be, someone that i know i don't love. i'm just constantly hoping the sober person, who she was with me, will emerge again, and this new person that she is will disappear... although i'm sure it'll never fully disappear. it's just so heartbreaking to watch people change and to put no effort into making themselves better...
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I think she was a "new" person with you and what you're seeing is the "old" her. Sometimes there will be a reinvention instead of a geographic. Sometimes there are both. It's trying to apply an external solution to an internal problem. As the non-addict, I did it, too.
((()))
((()))
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