dobiediva

Well exABF called me starting at 3am on sunday morning. Called nonstop so I shut the ringer off and turned the cell phone off. Well of course I didn't sleep at all because I was afraid he was going to show up drunk banging on my window. The doberman was shaking like crazy and wouldn't settle down. I think she could hear the phone in the kitchen ringing all night long and sensed my nervousness so she ended up in bed with me. I finally fell asleep around 6 as the sun was coming up. Dogs woke me up at 8:45 to go outside. well I checked the answering machine and my voice mail and saw on the caller ID he had called 15 times on my home phone and 10 times on my cell and text messages!!! I was getting annoyed but then as I read the messages and listened to the answering machine I started to feel like something was wrong and felt bad for not answering when he needed me to. Turns out he went out with his brother and friend (both A's). A had called to see if I could come get him. He was stranded at a hotel the next county over. I called him back and asked why he didn't just drive home. He said he DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HIS CAR WAS?! WTF?!!! How do you LOSE a car?! Then he told me that his friend had driven and they got into a fight and he slashed the tires on his friend's truck because he was mad that his friend was ditching them for some girl he met. I asked him if this was a HUGE FLASHING NEON sign that he needed help and he agreed that he has a problem. (Not the first time). I told him I would pick him up ONE LAST TIME and then that's it. (What was I thinking?! the whole way there I kept saying to myself THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM!! But I still went) I told him No more rescues. he can fail or thrive on his own. He assures me that this is the last time he will drink. His friend has forgiven him for the damage to the truck (as if that makes a difference to ME). I feel so bad for him. He told me that I am the reason he wants to quit. Things were so much better when we were together. Blah blah blah. My favorite was "You are what makes me want to quit". USUALLY he says I'm the reason he drinks!!!

So now he thinks he can just STOP cold turkey and quit. I told him I don't believe he will do it unless he gets help. He keeps insisting he can. I told him we can't have any type of relationship unless he is sober and I will not consider having anything to do with him unless he is sober for at least 6 months. Needs to sober up FIRST. He thinks it won't be a problem. I told him he should get some professional help. He asked "Why bother going to AA when they are a bunch of phonies who go to the bar after the meetings?" (He's been to AA in the past--court ordered). I told him that the people who go to the bar afterwards are the people forced to go by the courts, not the people actually seeking recovery. I said if he won't go to AA then at least come here (which will probably come back to bite me in the butt when he discovers all my posts but who cares? Not saying anything he doesn't already know! He just doesn't like when I tell people about his drinking and drug use. WELL THEN STOP DOING IT BRAINY SMURF!!)

Guess some of us on here must've been having a bad weekend. I was surprised when I came online and saw two others had caved with their A's. I didn't cave--didn't take him back...but I DID jump in a rescue him...AGAIN. So maybe that was caving? And I've probably given him some hope that there could be a future with us again (except I know he won't make it 6 months or seek professional help so that will be the end of our deal!) which is probably the wrong thing to do once again. But if this is what it takes for him to see he needs help then GREAT! If not then I'm just back to where I've been anyway...He still can't come over. We still won't hang out together. So I guess I won't really know if he's still drinking or not (yes I will...but he probably thinks he'll be able to fake it and hide it)
Anyway, don't know where I'm going with this. Just venting I guess.

lilac

Vent all you want , girl !

It seems lately I take one step forward and slide three or four steps back.

Figure it is all part of my recovery. I must learn for myself. (my stubborn, codie little self

embraced2000

hi dobie.....2 years sounds like a real good sober time to me.

dobie....he was at a motel. that would really make me wonder bout some things.

dollydo

Dobie.

I hope you mean it, "One Final Rescue"....time to say what you mean, and mean what you say...don't ya think...

Mr. Christian

...the more you and others help, the longer it takes.

WantsOut

Dobie, this is the same guy who scared you and your kids, who you think didn't even remember being violent. Normally I'd just give you a minor hard time while you did the relationship yo-yo with him, but this is different because you knew that night that he could hurt you and not even remember it. Wasn't he going to bite your **** off, as I recall?

I'm wagging my motherly finger at you. What are you doing, Dobie?

dobiediva

He was at a hotel because they went to eat at the truckstop across the street (there's a 24 hour restaraunt in there) after barhopping all night. That is where his friend decided he was leaving with the woman he met. A didn't have a car or a way to get home so he and his brother stayed at the hotel. (the place is a 30 minute drive from my house -- too far to walk home in the snow)

I know I know I know!!!!! Let me clarify: I'm NOT taking him back. I DON'T WANT him back. Just hoping he will get some help. I hadn't even spoken to him before this (with the exception of last weekend when I dropped his son off) He sounded so desperate again and I gave in to that desperation. I took him and his brother home then I left. I talked to him about his recovery and that was the extent of the conversation. I don't want him back but I DO want him to get help. I know I'm misleading him with the "time line" thing but I also know he will fail and will not make the 6 months. And if he doesn't fail and does actually do it then why not give him that chance? He's not violent when he's sober. He's not an idiot when he's sober. He doesn't do stupid things when he is sober. Just lately he's not sober! And I doubt he will be in 6 months (heck --he'll probably blow it by this weekend!)

So I'm sure I'm wrong giving him this false hope but if that's what it takes then what's one last rescue? If he fails he fails. I tried. If not, I'll be happy for him if/when he chooses to recover, no matter what his motivation. I'll know I gave it every chance, every effort whether deserved or not. the codie in me needs to believe that I did what I could. Now back to moving forward.

embraced2000

ot....dobie, i saw the most beautiful doberman paperweight the other day and thought of you...


ok.....my favorite saying about helping the alcoholic......helping an alcoholic is like trying to raise the water level of the ocean by pi$$ing in it.....

but, my beloved dobie.....lordy, lordy....how many times have i done it???? too many times to fess up to! HA

one thing we certainly do not need to hear is....told ya so!!! i got so sick of hearing that with people round me in real life. they just didn't understand my own mindset and why i had it.

all of us here do understand....and i do, too. you will do the limited contact thing, until you just plain don't do it anymore....and i will listen to you and understand.....always!

WantsOut

yeah but why give the boobie-biter wannabe a ride at all? It just encourages him. It's not like he was stuck in Baghdad ... it's just a county over. He would have made it home sooner or later.

Eh, you know the lecture. Say what you mean and mean what you say in this situation.

embraced2000

well, i did all the chit i did for the alcoholic because i was fairly new in recovery and still sick with my thinking.....and still for some reason, wanting to be wanted by him or wanted to just see him, or was hoping this would be the one time he would.....blah blah blah.....that's why i did it anyway.

was always hoping this time would be different.

ya know, this is one of those nights i'd just like to slap him.

dobiediva

You're craking me up WO! And you're right. Its encouraging him but I guess I'm just tired of being a hard ass lately. (it gets exhausting sometimes) I'm still human and still have compassion for the idiot. Let him have his hope. I'm still going about my life without him and I'm sure that's how it will continue. I'm also confident that he will screw up within a week and I can cut him loose again for as long as it lasts. Someday it will be forever, right? I reacted that morning like I would for any person that needed me (except for I made him wait til 9am -- any other person I would've gone at 3am when they first called to get them). Like a typical codie. I rescued. I also told him that is the LAST TIME I will rescue him. I meant it then and I still mean it now. I've been doing well and remaining pretty strong for almost a month (wow! Has it been that long?!) and have not let him back over here and only have had limited contact. That might not seem like much but for me its pretty good

WantsOut

you are right - progress, not perfection as they say. I went out to dinner with my mother and realized that I bitched about my exAh for about half the time. Talk about boring. Even when I cut him off he's not really gone. oy. Progress, tho, progress ... we're getting there.

Sunflower

more likely he picked up a girl at the bar and she ditched him

appleblaster

dobie you're doing fine. you know the rules and it is totally in our nature to do what you've done. we've all done it and many of us will do it again.

just remember.....rescue only prolongs their recovery. if you keep it that simple you won't do it again. it helps me to remove myself and my feelings from the equation and imagine him struggling without my help. i imagine him suffering long enough for him to pick himself up and find a way out.

now tell him to stop hindering your recovery by calling you for rescues.

hugs

fluffyflea

Dobie,

When you've had enough of his conning you around you'll be able to do the no contact thing.

Earthworm

hope2bhappy

I'm just curious. Why did he call YOU umpteen times to come get him? Was it because he doesn't know anyone else? Or was it because he knew YOU'D come?

Whatever. Just like the alcoholic/addict, we are prone to relapse, also. Sounds like you completely recognize and take responsibility for your weak moment. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on track.

twingram

Keep up the good work!!

TexasGirl

Yes, no lectures.
I think it helps to hear that other "As" are like your "A." It helped me to see that he really wasn't different from the others, which led me to leave.
- Mine called 22 times one evening. That was lovely. There is a post to highlight that incident.
- I can't even begin to tell you how many times I heard it was his last, and that things would be better, and that I deserved to be treated great. There are numerous posts talking about that.
- I got a call once at 4:45 a.m....he'd lost his car too. Woke up in a STORE in ANOTHER TOWN and didn't know where his car was. Okay...... I was still deep in the mess, and I was on my way to get him when a friend beat me there. There is another post documenting this too.

I'm telling you this because yes, I have been there. I have heard the same lines and stories. It's happened to someone before it happened to you. And yes, you can do something about it.

Hugs.
M

Missy

I just went through the exact same stuff. They are alcoholics and that is what they do.
I went to police and while I was there without A knowing about it,,,, he kept calling me. The police kept track, and charged A with stalking on top of everything else.
They didnt even listen to his crappy messages of accusing me of being with someone else.... doing something else.... bla, bla, bla.

so you got tons here you can do with this. You will know when the time is right. It hit me like nothing else... impulse kicked in and I just got into my car and went to the police sooooo calmly.
Missy xo

dreamwvr

Missy and everyone, All of your posts are very inspiring. Thank you! I've been reading the boards for a couple weeks because I am new. The cycle is the same for everyone. I actually do not feel alone in this insane craziness. I've been with my A for two years now, engaged to him for one and boy the roller coaster ride has been unreal. There was a violent incident that happended making me leave that house and moving into my own. Yes, I am guilty for still trying to find all of the good in the man because any woman in the right frame of mind would run for the woods. But, the incident was due to this disease. I know when Dr Jekkel turns into Mr Hyde and I run back to my shelter making excuses on why I have to get home (my dog, homework, job the next morning, etc...). Yes, he will call the 1,000 call marathon with the acusations, but he cannot come to the house anymore due to a court order. My A too is very compassionate, loving and sincere when sober and I want so badly to believe in that, but then there is the flip side every third day. He has made changes, but I am not with him 24/7... so who really knows? I can usually tell on the phone which personality is out, probably like anyone else... It is just really hard to actually turn your feelings off. I am tired and I do know my fate if I do not let go. I too have "nagged" about it and the found out the promises are empty. The things that I am most grateful for are my life, my calm and quite safehaven at my own house and the chance at reaching into myself and trying to understand what I really want. It is not easy because the detachment process is painful, it is kind of like being at a crossroad... you know if you go one way, it will be lonely, but if you go the other it is the roller coaster all over again... The roller coaster is making me sick to my stomach.