free2be

After years and years of trying to make the marriage work my mother finally stepped in. For her to do this I knew things were bad. My mother always, always supported any decision I made about my marriage. Leaving, reconciling, leaving, attorney fee's(she'd write the check). All she wanted was for me and the kid's to be happy. She would say " It's your decision and I will support you no matter what" and she did respectfully.
So when she called me about a month ago and said enough is enough. I knew things had become really bad. I was/am so grateful that she said something and helped me make a decision that I was unable to make alone.
So now she is very upset. She feels the need to call me 3-4,5 times a day. If she can't reach me she will call my sisiters to make sure I am o.k. I have tried to reassure that I am fine. That I am not hiding anything from her. I am honest with her. I tell her that of course I am sad, I am scared, I am worried about the kids. I am at peace for the first time in a really long time. I am and I will be fine. Constantly reassuring her.
How or should I tell her to back off? I do not want to seem ungrateful. Should I just let her continue to call all day? This is obviously something she feels the need to do? She is older and I know her intetions are genuine. Help.

HolyQow

Why not call her first? She obviously wants to be needed. Call, tell her what you have planned for the day, so she won't worry if she can't reach you. I would guess that the calls will let up after awhile, once she is reassured that you are just fine.

Grin and bear it, at least you know she cares. Come to think of it, call my dad for me after you talk to your mom. He cares, but he cares to tell me everything I've done wrong in my life, and what I should do to fix it.....(sigh)
The day he got the answering machine answered he was a bit upset. Asked me about it the next day, asking if he dialed the wrong number or something....how soon they forget that there were no cell phones, and we had a party line back in his day! 42 yrs old and still have to "check in" with dad sometimes, and especially when I leave his house to drive to mine....15 mins away!....have to call when I get there!

mallowcup

Thanks but no thanks? How many times did you call her when you DID need her? I think we minimize how tramatizing this all is for our loved ones. You've scared her stiff. I don't think you realize how hard it has been for her to be supportive. Who did this to her, who took the peace she once had? You have children and I think you aren't considering yourself in her position if it were one of your kids. She's a mother, not a machine.

WantsOut

As a mom, a wild guess from what you've written is she's afraid you'll go back to AH. I like the proactive call to let her know what you're up to.

Thank goodness for moms who help us. I have one too. She's been so awesome that I've been allowing her to drag me to her church activities. She just loves showing me off to her church friends - it makes her so happy. Small price to pay for a good mom.

LIFEOUTTHERE

My parents have been my lifeline and I don't know what I would have done without them. Wantsout is probobly right, she is afraid that you will go back. I still, after 7 months and divorce papers signed, sealed and delivered have to reasure my parents that I am not going back. They know me and saw how unhappy I was with the AH even when I did not realize it myself. I am sure that your mother has seen the same things. She is your mother, she loves you and is worried about you. Be thankful that she is there for you.

LaTeeDa

I think maybe it's time for a heart to heart discussion. Something along the lines of "Mom, I so appreciate your concern and all the help and support you have given me, but please trust me. I am a adult and we all make mistakes. I have learned from this mistake. It concerns me to see you worry so. I feel responsible for your worry, and I don't like to feel that way."

Or something like that. Make sure you talk about YOU and YOUR feelings to her and see whay she says. Maybe she will share her feelings and you can get a deeper understanding of why she feels the need to keep tabs on you.

I think communication is the key here. You've both been through a lot.

L

free2be

guess the phrasing "to back off" came across harsh. Thats not what I meant. Obviously, I am not very good at this boundry thing otherwise, I wouldn't be in this situation. So I am not sure what are and how to set appropriate boundries. I know she is concerned about me, the kids and our future. Both emotional and financial. I am very fortunate to have her. I know this. She has gone above and beyond for me and my family. I didn't mean my post to come off as I don't want to talk to her. I do.I talk to her every morning before work and in the evening after dinner. During the day if she calls work and I dont answer she'll call my cell, or house even though I have told her my palns for the day. She will then call my sisters to see if they know where I am. So I will rephrase:

What are and how do you set appropriate and healthy boundries without hurting feelings or turning into doormat? While still showing appreciation and not acting ungrateful or disrespectful?

splendra

I think I would tell her the next time she calls your work that the company you work for wants you to keep personal callls to a minimum for emergency cases only...and that if you need help she will be the first person you call...

Sunflower

She can't help it ---she loves you-and supports you 100%--what a wonderful mother you have,Give it time-she is hurting as well and worried what will happen next-how you will handle it--I agree call her first a few times a day and be thankful you have a mother who loves you so much,,,,

hope2bhappy

My mother is almost 80 years old. There's no way I could try to "teach" her how to back off at this late date. We don't have the warm, caring relationship you have. My mother can be pretty vicious when she wants to be. Our relationship is a whole 'nother issue in my life. It would take years of therapy. I just try to tolerate, or tune her out.

LaTeeDa

With open, honest communication. Tell her you appreciate her. Tell her how you feel about all the calls, without accusing her of anything or being mean. Keep your statements about YOU, how YOU feel. Not what SHE does or should do. Then listen to her. Hopefully, she will tell you how SHE feels and why. If it doesn't go smoothly or how you planned, have another conversation about it at a later date. Then keep having honest, open conversations with her. It can be hard for a mother to relate to her child as an adult. It can be equally hard for us to relate to our mothers as adults.

Try to remember you are two adults when you are communicating, not a mother and her little girl. (I know I may get blasted for that, but it's true.)

L