Samantha011

I'm young.I'm not really sure what everyone elses age is in here but i've been using drugs since i was 13 and i'll be turning 18 in may.I'm not here sure where i should start but here's my story...
I moved from michigan to florida when i was 7 with my mom and only my mom.My dad was a heroin and crack addict and ended up in jail for a while and my mom just wanted to get away from that place.My mom had to work alot as i was growing up to support us so she wasn't home but it wasn't like i never saw her or anything.I just sort of felt i was more alone when i was younger than i should have been.I can't blame her or be mad at her for it,she was a young single mother with noone there for her.I got held back in 3rd grade beacuse i didn't read out loud.I was a very shy kid and i'm not really sure if it was i couldn't read or i was just too shy to read out loud.Well,at such a young age and not understanding it,i didn't think much until i was in middle school.
I came into this new place,felt like i was growing up and at first this 8th grade took interest in me.I thought ''wow if he's finding me interesting than i must be'' and i went along with it.We ended up hanging out at this moves every friday with tons of people from our school and others around there.Alot of them were years older than me but didn't seem to bother anyone.We started to take DXM (Robtussin,yes the OTC drug) beacuse it was becoming popular at the time.Noone knew really how it was going to effect everyone but noone cared either.We would steal it,or buy tons of it.I started to get away from robtussin beacuse man,that stuff is very nasty.I started to take coridin(is that how you spell it? Triple c's whatever) which was a bad idea.A friend of mine and a couple of other people would take it every weekend,taking more just to see what the hell it would do.We were all getting to drug use so we didn't bother actually knowing what we were doing.We were just happy it was doing something....sad i know.
Well i used triple c's for a year.I got up to taking it for 4 days straight to taking about 45 pills or so at once.I'd go to school on it,i'd do it all weekend...Than i started to actually care about what i was putting into my body.I was 13 at the time,and i was so knew to this world.I didn't realize it at the time at all but i was going to go down hill fast head first with the wrong people behind me.
So,random pills started to show up when we'd all hang out.Painkillers,xanax,you name it...We would take it,not go to school,or go to the movies we hung out at every friday.We were all still young and didn't really understand what we were getting ourselfs into.So i started to meet other people,started to get other connections.Started to find other drugs.I started to use shrooms,acid,xtc,any pain killer i could find,coke,speed and weed.I already started to mess up in the beginning of middle school so the year of the 2 years weren't so great either.
Alot of detalis i don't want to really get into beacuse it's kinda pointless anyways just trust me there was alot of drug use.I use to hang out with this group of people in my area that we could all walk to each others houses since noone of us had cars and no where to really go.We'd use drugs together out of pure boredom.We just wanted to party and party is what we did.I got into a relationship at the age of 15 to what i consider a real relationship i suppose.We dated for 10 months but i don't know why.We were two totally different people with two totally differnet views on life.I didn't want to stop using drugs and our relationship ended.There was alot of mental abuse towards me and my self esteem sort of dropped.I forgot to mention,somewhere in the middle of all this i try to kill myself one time and ended up in the mental hospital.They told me i was bipolar.
So after this,i turn 16.I get a car and i start having jobs which means i started having money.I knew more about what drugs were,and what i was taking from websites online.I felt better about using things since i knew what i was using.I believe when i was 15 i used x for the first time.I did it once every couple months at the most,i didn't know many people who could get it.
but that was soon to end.
When i turned 16,a whole out of new drugs started to be more easy to get.I tried shrooms for the first time,acid and i could get x more finally.I dealt with very low self esteem for a long time and also i was a shy girl,so of course if you have used x you'd understand where i'm going with this...It connected with me in such a pure blisss feeling.I fell inlove with it and it's feeling.The feeling of not being shy,i could go up and talk to ANYONE and say anything.The feeling of just feeling great over all.I started to use it alot more,taking more than i use to and doing it more in short peiords of time.I got into a relationship with a good friend of mine and it was going well.
But that summer after i turn 16 wasn't so good for me.I use to be depressed for no reason.My parents gave me everything and i had a nice house.I use to cut myself not for attention,i really did do it for the feeling of good it kinda gave.
Well,back to what i was saying about that summer.I just started high school before i turned 16,i failed it.I skipped too much,i'd go to school high so i'd sleep threw all my classes and i'd just not do my work.I messed around in middle school so much,how was i suppose to change my habits now? My drug abuse was getting worse,i was getting older...Than i got pregnant.I didn't know how to deal with it and neither did my boyfriend so we kinda became distant for a while.He freaked out and i dealt with having to have the abortion.I never wanted to have one but i'm not aganist it truly.I knew if i would have had the baby,i would have not been able to handle the situation no matter how hard i try.I wouldn't have had any support from anyone in my family and i was clearly in no position since i was using drugs very heavy and i was failing school.What kind of mother would i have been? It would have caused very diffcult stressful life for me to have it and give it up for adoption too.I wouldn't want to after having it.So my only choice i felt was to have an abortion.Don't judge me on that.
My mom found out before all this which i regret not calm myself down when we found out.She had breast cancer.They caught it early enough that she was able to get kemo and everything to save her life,thank god.But she still had to lose all her hair,lay around for a couple of months being sick and tired all the time.It was depressing and very scary for me.I didn't know how to handle it beacuse i didn't want to think that my mom could die.So i was never home,i was out using drugs all the time.I didn't want to stop and think about what was going on in my life.So far,failed 9th grade,abortion,mom doing kemo..What else could life throw my way?
My father who i talked about who did heroin and crack found out he got some lady at his work who isn't my stepmom pregnant.That's not the worse of it,he also found out he has hep c.So my father is dying and we have a terrible relationship as it is.I also have a baby brother with hep c that i'll probably never meet.It just wasn't a good thought that both my parents were at risk of life threatening things at the same time.I wasn't feeling so great at all.My drug use around this time was getting heavy.Using coke for weeks straight,Taking x every weekend,Taking acid in between the coke and x use.Random pills,shrooms,just anything i could get my hands on.
Than came a shock.We were getting drunk at this kid Jeffs house at the end of this really long street.He had alot of land and we could party as much as we wanted to.We found joyment in drinking Everclear(151 proof) beacuse two bottles for $15 a piece would get us all pretty wasted.I had a friend who hung out with me alot who drove and didn't drink so i knew how i was getting home.Everyone else on the other hand would drive home drunk but noone of us really thought about the bad out come of something like this.Well i was still in the relationship with the guy and it was great.I slept over his house once which was just one of the most amazing nights we ever had....little did i know the next morning bad news was about to come.
So one of my good friends who just got off probation and just got a new car was in a car crash.He came to the party after working which he just started to do wanting to relax.When he got there,some kid who was already wasted has stolen some girls keys to her new mustang.So they went for a drive,going 120 racing some other car..Losed control and ended up flipping to the other side and getting hit my a ups truck.The worse part of it was everyone thought they were both dead at first and that's what everyone told people.So i thought my friend died,it was terrible but i was glad i was with my boyfriend.He was there to hold me when i started to cry.I have never had someone die close to me so this was a new feeling.I have tripped and took alot of drugs with this kid so i didn't really fully take it all in as reality as i should.Who would want to? Well we find out that they weren't dead,they were both in a coma.
My sober passanger friend who had alot of friends,a loving family,was doing great in school,just finish probation,and got a great new car died.He was in a coma which i was not at all able to be strong enough to go visit him,trust me i tried.I get uncomfortable in hospitals as it is and i knew seeing him that way would have caused me alot of problems.I didn't even go see my mom in the hospital after she got her boob cut off.I was to scared to see it with my eyes,and once again hospitals make me very uncomfortable.So the drunk driver who was failing at school,didn't have many friends,made bad choices in life lived.How fair right? It caused alot of mental issues,stress and problems in general for the people who were hanging out getting drunk at that kid Jeffs house.Jeffs parents were about to get sued for letting this happen and everything got out of control.
So to recap what was going on.I failed 9th grade,i had an abortion,my mom was starting kemo,my dad had hep c,and my friend died.Great,i was having the best summer of my life clearly.It was about to get so much better,trust me.So my aunt was addicted to xanax for a while,valiums too.My mom took her valiums once and for some reason didn't throw them away.Not sure why but i'm sure she regets it now.Well i'd get bored at home and try to see if i can find anything i wasn't suppose to.Like a bottle of valiums! Which i ended up finding...
Well,that was fun for a few days.I was driving on them,with my friends who were on other drugs.Coke,weed,you know whatever.Well,one day me my friend andy and greg wanna go the mall.I drove,and i took valiums.Also,i did a few lines of coke and i smoked in my car as we were driving to the mall.I didn't think that yea valiums kind of slow you down,and ended up running a red light when i thought it was gunna be yellow for longer.I got pulled over,and the car smelt of weed.My friend had coke weed and a pipe on him.We got arrested.
Yep...This was all in a 3-4 month peoird of my life.Can you imagine how stressful this was on top of the heavy ungoing use of drugs.Since it was my first time getting arrested,i was put in a rehab program.It was out patinet.I only had to go twice a week to one on one therapy and group therapy.I'm a very open person about my life and drug use beacuse why should i have to hide it? So i was open at rehab.I didn't wanna stop using drugs,i knew i should have but i was getting so into taking x i didn't want to.So i failed drug tests and ended up getting kicked out and having to go to count.Which took forever to do and i ended up having probation.
My mom was doing kemo and i felt like the worst daughter ever.She gave me everything i ever have and i actted this way when she was dealing with something very big.I helped her out around the house when i could but it depressed me so much when she was just sitting there without hair.I didn't wanna be home all the time.So around this time acid started to come in to south florida alot.A good friend of mine become a better dealer and he had acid.So i used that alot and it was a bad idea completely.
I came home on 3 hits of acid after having a very uncomfortable vibe with people i was hanging out with all the time.I started to realize what we were doing to ourselfs and it was causing me to feel sad.So i went home not ready for what was waitting at home.My mom shaved her head that night.Yes,i saw my mom after she shaved her head.Can you talk about an intense emotional feeling i felt afterwords...I try to not even think about it after that.
I was dealing with some of the most mind drugs causing me to have emotional break downs and stress nonstop.I was running around getting drugs for everyone i knew and than i started to steal from all of them.I started to sell from everyone.I thought maybe someone would try to come after me,but noone did.It went on for a while.I was becoming more bitchy,more rude,i wasn't having friends i was having drug bubbies and people who wanted drugs from me.I was disrespecting everyone,my family,my boyfriend who was trying his hardest to help me and myself.I was messing around in my new school,i was working but not as hard as i should so i'd quit jobs left and right.I was eatting terrible,fast food mostly beacuse i was always out.
I was stressing myself out with everything.I didn't handle anything right,i was using drugs as much as i could and i was dealing with alot of realiztion.I was getting more and more depressed but didn't know what to do so i kept using drugs.My relationship which was about over a year,started to go down hill beacuse of the way i was treating myself and my boyfriend.Alot of stress came from that,my self esteem never grew,i didn't have any positive friends.People were ending up in rehab,jail,hospital or dead.I was watching people get addicted to so much stuff and throw their life away.Pawning everything they could,getting really bad with it for days weeks and months,not gooing to school,and ending up oding alot.Not realizing they weren't listening to their limits,and ending up in the hopistal.People were getting arrested nonestop.
so I started to use x alot.I was using it heavy for months taking up to 4 pills every weekend.It got bad and i stopped for a while just to start doing it again.I felt so at peace with taking it and nothing bad was happening,yet.I wasn't feeling depressed afterwords.My relationship was having ups and downs.I was going from helping myself to not helping myself.Having a good relationship with my family than not having a good one.I had alot of ups and downs.I kept having very bad trips on acid about my life and it was causing me to be very depressed afterwords which caused me to wanna change my life.I never pushed myself to do it tho.I got bored after a while of not seeing the people who said they were my ''friends'' and just having nothing to do.
I was using drugs for almost 3 years now,and nothing else.So without them i had nothing to do,i'd sit on the internet.Which was a big problem with teenagers in this area.They were so worried about using drugs and partying with their friends...That after a long time of doing so,and not really doing it all that much sometimes.They'd get bored.They didn't want hobbies and jobs.So they'd end up back into drugs...Like me.
I was lying alot to everyone.Even myself.I caused myself to believe some of the most unbelievable things.I made myself feel like i was helping myself when i wasn't doing much.I would hide from the people and drugs only to run back to it.I kept leaving one foot in this bad life and it would drag me back in every so once in a while.My relationship got real bad and i started to want to change real bad.
I started to use x very heavy for almost 2 years pretty much.I'm not proud to say this at all but i've probably used x almost if not more 100 times.Taking probably more than 200 pills.I'm scared for my future health.

I've came to the point in life that i was about to get into the rave scene and hang out with new people beacuse me and my boyfriend who was trying to help me broke up.I wanted to start this year with good ideas,good thoughts and good life.Didn't happen at all.I wanted to have a x free year.Instead i took it for new years.One of my friends from few years came back to town and we started hanging out,alot.She use to be a coke addict.
We started to want to promote for a music fest so we started to meet new people at the meetings.Started to get into the rave scene alittle more.We started to go to x parties.Which i did a week after new years.Than the weekend after that and the weekend after than..Than i went to my first rave which than i used there too.So the year i wanted to be x free just started off the FIRST MONHT with 12 pills.Not a good start or good feeling mentally.
My exboyfriend came back into my life beacuse he couldn't give up on me.I was dealing with panic attacks and mental break downs when i'd come down from drugs.
I kept wanting to change my life.I had the plans,the ideas,the dreams and i knew how to do it all.I just never really put myself out there to try hard in life for anything.I had bad choices,bad friends,i was very stressed and x was my drug of choice.I went in these circls of taking lots of drugs,having bad come downs than wanting to change my life...Just to end up not doing it so the next time i kept that way,i kept worse beacuse i was already in this situation and i didn't help it at all.

So to come down to it.I've caused myself to waste my whole teenager life on something i thought had some sort of grand meaning to it.I thought the more drugs i took,the more i knew,the more i could get everything meant something to someone.I thought i'd do it forever and i'd always get the best stuff.I was so clueless,i didn't ever really think about life and what was gunna come of it from all of this.I'm at a point that i have to get my GED beacuse the school i'm in is an alternative school that doesn't really push me to learn or do work at all.I get good grades for rarely doing any work.I don't want to waste 2 more years with wasting away.I want to start college but i want to start college as a better person.With better life choice making skills and being more mature.
I don't want to struggle threw life with min. wage jobs having to worry if i'll have enough rent money every money or enough money to pay for food! I don't want to waste away anymore from a bad choice at a young age that got out of hand.I do want better things for myself,i want a real life.I've been feeling so empty inside.All my ''friends'' lifes are going no where and i'm right there with them.I don't want that for myself,i wouldn't want it for anyone.

It's just so hard beacuse i have felt this way before.I have made big life changing ideas that i never really put much energy in.I would do it for a few weeks than slowly get sidetracked and start messing up again.I had to stop wroking at a job i liked beacuse i kept calling out so i could get high.I was stealing when i worked to get money to get high.I was also working alot of hours beacuse i was only making $7 an hour.I wanted big paychecks.So i ended up making myself look bad for calling out all the time,i would stress myself out from working so much.I couldn't keep up with the lies i was giving to not be at work,i couldn't keep up with any of it.I had to stop working there,which is sad beacuse that job was gunna help me start using my sewing machine more.
I just disconnected myself with the people i know that will bring me down.I promised myself i won't be going to any raves or big events.I'll be 18 in may,and that's a big deal.People are gunna start seeing me as an adult,and i do not act like one at all.I don't want to hate myself anymore,i don't want to feel like i'm wasting away,i don't want to have this life.I really hope that starting therapy this monday,not hanging out with the wrong people and having my boyfriend whos my best friend who after all i put him threw is still here.Still wanting to help me and has so much faith in the fact i will get better.I'm grateful.
I'm grateful i haven't died yet,my parents still love me,buy me stuff and support me.I'm happy that i'm still at a young age that i didn't completely throw my life away.I can still turn it around and if i start now,my health in the future won't be as bad.I know this,i have known this.I have been pushing back changing my life beacuse i'm scared.I'm scard of not being able to do it and still ending up with drugs.I'm worried for when i wanna start college that i'll think i can't do it.

I don't want these thoughts.I want to move forward in life.Overcome all this and look bck on it in years to just think to myself wow if i could overcome this..There's nothing in this world i can't do.I'll feel amazing and i wish the best for myself.

that's my story.I just had to get it all out so i could sleep with a clear mind.
thank you for reading.

Katie30

Samantha...sweetie...

While reading your post - the thing that I kept on thinking the whole time was, "Wow - this girl is so incredibly, intelligent."

You have experienced so much in your life so far - and it seems to me that you have a very special gift of being able to analyze yourself and your surroundings. You are obviously so, very smart. I am amazed by you and your observations.

It is obvious that you suffer, and I can relate to some of what you wrote about - I too, have been enslaved by ecstacy, coke, pot, alcohol, shrooms, acid, prescription pain-killers...and whatever else was put in front of my face. I know that feeling of desperation that comes once you are coming down from that crap. But, we each have our own unique lives that swirl around these ****** addictions, so all of our experiences different.

Samantha - I see in you, a person who can have an incredible impact on the people around you, as you grow older. You obviously have been through hell - however, you seem to be a woman who has the brains to be someone who can turn this hell into an extremely positive, potent force.

I really hope that you seriously seek the recovery that you know you need. Because - a brain like yours SHOULD NOT go to waste. Honey - do you realize, that with insights and intelligence that you obviously have - that you could really make difference in your life and the lives of the people around you?

Maybe you need to leave South Florida. Get away from the friends who will give you comfort, yet lead you back into bad decisions, and ultimately, a dead end. Go ahead and get your GED, but then...seriously consider going on and applyling to college. Have you considered Social Work, or something along those lines? I really think that you could be such a positive, and beautiful voice as you grow older, beat your addictions, and begin to realize your potential. You could be SO effective in your life - once you tackle your own demons. I feel so much hope for you.

Samantha - listen to your voice, because I just listened to it. And I am just some random stranger from California, who is 12 years older than you, and pretty jaded. However, in listening to your story, it is clear that you have so much to offer. You are so beautiful. You can really turn these horrors into something wonderful for yourself and for others.

Send me a message any time.

xoxoxo,
Katie

CarolD

Hi amd Welcome!

Here is a forum full of info

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/

Glad you are here!