Ugh - I totally suck at this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 14
Ugh - I totally suck at this
Well - hello folks,
I came on here a few weeks ago...completely committed to quitting drinking. I "white-knuckled" it through 3 days without a drink, which was the longest I've gone since I was about 18 (I'm 30 now). The problem is/was, when I decided to quit, I was totally obssesed with the thought - I spent every minute of the day either on this site, or reading the AA "Big Book," and quite disgustingly, the more I read about alcoholism, the more I wanted to pour another drink, because in some perverse way, reading about the stories about others with booze made me miss it more.
So - I "relapsed," if you can call it that after 3 days. I went out and bought some wine and didn't even really feel that bad about it. But, it's been about 2weeks since I made my first honest attempt at being sober, and even though it was only 3 days, I find myself wishing for that optimism and hope that I had during that time, even though it was brief. I know I felt some kind of light during those days, and I want that back. I need that motivation again. I listen to the stories of the people who have quit, and I somehow feel like they are stronger than me.
I have a good friend who has been sober for 3 years now - which is quite remarkable, because he was the biggest drunk, coke-head, and acid-freak, ever. He was the last guy you'd ever think would become clean, but he did it. I wrote to him a few weeks back about my desire to become sober, and told him about my reservations about AA because I'd have to come up with a God all of the sudden. This is what he replied:
"You’ll find there are FAR more people in AA who are agnostic than religious, but you will need to come up with something “outside” of yourself to rely upon. For me, I used the meeting or AA as an institution as my higher power. I mean think about it. If your car wrecked and someone was trapped underneath the car could you lift it and save that person by yourself? No. But, if you and everybody in a meeting of 20 people went and tried to lift the car, could you? Yes. So, there you go, the group is a power greater than yourself. Now, specifically applied to recovery – can you by yourself quit drinking: no. Can you with the guidance, support and love of an experienced group of ex-drunks who have done it themselves keep you sober – you bet. So again, they can be the higher power greater than yourself. I also got way into Buddhism, since it was more of a philosophy than religion and now I pretty much use some stuff I got from there to make up my own higher power.
For me, my higher power is called my “Dahmma” which is a Sanskrit word meaning “what is and what should be”, which for me is another definition of potential…because potential IS (because you have potential in the present), but it’s also what CAN BE. I choose to believe that within me (or each of us) is a perfect potential which is infinitely wise, kind, generous, loving, intuitive, courageous, compassionate, etc. – and for me to rely on something more powerful than myself, I rely upon this potential in me since technically it is greater than I am RIGHT NOW (again b/c it’s potential). I mean throughout my life, I’ve always known the right thing to do, I just never did it because it was too hard or not as fun…but still, the knowledge of what was right was within me. Plus we’ve all heard about people doing “superhuman” feats of strength or endurance when there life depended on it…so how did they do it? Well, rather than some dumbass “miracle” or divine intervention, I see it as their being able to do it all along – it was potential that they only then actualized when they needed it. Maybe this “higher power” of mine is totally nonsensical or contrived, but ****, so is religion and mine makes sense to me, and that’s all that the program requires (that it be of “my understanding”) So anyway, you can choose your own higher power and by choice, grow in your belief in it daily. It can be fun and light…so don’t sweat it too much and just rely on the Group Of Drunks to be your G.O.D. (or Good Orderly Direction – whatever). Oh, and you’ll probably want to find a sponsor with similar ideas about religion since you’ll be better able to relate, but not necessarily as my sponsor is a practicing Jew (but he was a super cool acid head like me who hated authority and rules and was a public defender who hated cops, judges, etc.). either way, don’t sweat the God talk…just take it in stride, but know, you absolutely WILL have to do all 12-steps if you want serious recovery, plus it’s just easier that way (seriously)."
**
Hope this helps some of you..? Cause I need help....
-Katie
I came on here a few weeks ago...completely committed to quitting drinking. I "white-knuckled" it through 3 days without a drink, which was the longest I've gone since I was about 18 (I'm 30 now). The problem is/was, when I decided to quit, I was totally obssesed with the thought - I spent every minute of the day either on this site, or reading the AA "Big Book," and quite disgustingly, the more I read about alcoholism, the more I wanted to pour another drink, because in some perverse way, reading about the stories about others with booze made me miss it more.
So - I "relapsed," if you can call it that after 3 days. I went out and bought some wine and didn't even really feel that bad about it. But, it's been about 2weeks since I made my first honest attempt at being sober, and even though it was only 3 days, I find myself wishing for that optimism and hope that I had during that time, even though it was brief. I know I felt some kind of light during those days, and I want that back. I need that motivation again. I listen to the stories of the people who have quit, and I somehow feel like they are stronger than me.
I have a good friend who has been sober for 3 years now - which is quite remarkable, because he was the biggest drunk, coke-head, and acid-freak, ever. He was the last guy you'd ever think would become clean, but he did it. I wrote to him a few weeks back about my desire to become sober, and told him about my reservations about AA because I'd have to come up with a God all of the sudden. This is what he replied:
"You’ll find there are FAR more people in AA who are agnostic than religious, but you will need to come up with something “outside” of yourself to rely upon. For me, I used the meeting or AA as an institution as my higher power. I mean think about it. If your car wrecked and someone was trapped underneath the car could you lift it and save that person by yourself? No. But, if you and everybody in a meeting of 20 people went and tried to lift the car, could you? Yes. So, there you go, the group is a power greater than yourself. Now, specifically applied to recovery – can you by yourself quit drinking: no. Can you with the guidance, support and love of an experienced group of ex-drunks who have done it themselves keep you sober – you bet. So again, they can be the higher power greater than yourself. I also got way into Buddhism, since it was more of a philosophy than religion and now I pretty much use some stuff I got from there to make up my own higher power.
For me, my higher power is called my “Dahmma” which is a Sanskrit word meaning “what is and what should be”, which for me is another definition of potential…because potential IS (because you have potential in the present), but it’s also what CAN BE. I choose to believe that within me (or each of us) is a perfect potential which is infinitely wise, kind, generous, loving, intuitive, courageous, compassionate, etc. – and for me to rely on something more powerful than myself, I rely upon this potential in me since technically it is greater than I am RIGHT NOW (again b/c it’s potential). I mean throughout my life, I’ve always known the right thing to do, I just never did it because it was too hard or not as fun…but still, the knowledge of what was right was within me. Plus we’ve all heard about people doing “superhuman” feats of strength or endurance when there life depended on it…so how did they do it? Well, rather than some dumbass “miracle” or divine intervention, I see it as their being able to do it all along – it was potential that they only then actualized when they needed it. Maybe this “higher power” of mine is totally nonsensical or contrived, but ****, so is religion and mine makes sense to me, and that’s all that the program requires (that it be of “my understanding”) So anyway, you can choose your own higher power and by choice, grow in your belief in it daily. It can be fun and light…so don’t sweat it too much and just rely on the Group Of Drunks to be your G.O.D. (or Good Orderly Direction – whatever). Oh, and you’ll probably want to find a sponsor with similar ideas about religion since you’ll be better able to relate, but not necessarily as my sponsor is a practicing Jew (but he was a super cool acid head like me who hated authority and rules and was a public defender who hated cops, judges, etc.). either way, don’t sweat the God talk…just take it in stride, but know, you absolutely WILL have to do all 12-steps if you want serious recovery, plus it’s just easier that way (seriously)."
**
Hope this helps some of you..? Cause I need help....
-Katie
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well Katie...there you are.
Thanks for sharing your friends
excellent advice.
What is your new plan?
Thanks for sharing your friends
excellent advice.
What is your new plan?
Last edited by CarolD; 02-01-2007 at 06:01 AM. Reason: Typo
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Katie,
What brought it all together for me, after trying so long to stop, was a book called "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav. It's about a spiritual journey to authentic power. It's a gentle, peaceful book which led me to understand that the purpose of my life was to follow my soul's path.
What brought it all together for me, after trying so long to stop, was a book called "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav. It's about a spiritual journey to authentic power. It's a gentle, peaceful book which led me to understand that the purpose of my life was to follow my soul's path.
Lurker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Western NC
Posts: 783
Katie, Please give it another try, and do not give up on your self. I ahd a hard time the first weeks, but I promiss it does get better. You have a very good friend there. He will be a great help too you.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
it's great that you reached out to your friend for guidance and support. my daughter tried many times to control her drinking and cocaine use on her own, and was not successful. with the support of doctors and aa, she has been clean and sober for over 120 days.
keep it simple.
blesssings, k
keep it simple.
blesssings, k
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 113
I find that when I drink, I am completely cut off from God...
That light you felt during your 3 days was probably God trying to say "Hello"..
It seems like you have a pretty good grasp on your Higher Power, and it will only get better!
Good luck!
That light you felt during your 3 days was probably God trying to say "Hello"..
It seems like you have a pretty good grasp on your Higher Power, and it will only get better!
Good luck!
Sober and Free
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: bay area CA
Posts: 398
I tried several times in AA and failed before it clicked. I did the same thing, I'd read the book or go to a meeting, then come home and drink.
I realized I wanted to know more about the booze then about the recovery. I wanted to know who drank what, who out drank me (a great way to label myself ok), who I out drank (a great way to label myself a failure) .. I listened to stories of drinking and it made me OBSESS over it. It's all I thought about it. It comsumed my being. Drinking cured it, and enabled that failure/hopeless feeling that got me drinking even more. Nasty mess, that circle. We spend too much time there.
Something happened that last time. I reached a new low, something, I dont know. I just know that I wanted to stop thinking about the drinking and start thinking about recovering. When I go to meetings now, I rarely hear drinking stories. Little things here and there that would fill a person with shame outside those rooms, but inside we see and understand the humor behind them, but that's it. What I hear is recovery. 'Here is where I was, yes, but here is where I am now. And here is how I got here. Here is how wonderful it is to be here. '
I know many people who use AA as a high power. It's not just a twist of words, it is a reality. I believe that when ever a group of people get together and work toward a common goal, energy collects there, and remains there. Some call it the energy of the group, some call it the collective conscience, some would even call it an egregor. It's energy that has welled up and is available for others on the same path to tap into. Like school or church or activism or anything that would bring people together in such a way. We dont just hang on to one anyther to stay afloat, we use that energy to and grow and form and grasp and recover.
I dont know if that helped at all. Some think my beliefs are a bit wacky, but they work for me immensily.
I realized I wanted to know more about the booze then about the recovery. I wanted to know who drank what, who out drank me (a great way to label myself ok), who I out drank (a great way to label myself a failure) .. I listened to stories of drinking and it made me OBSESS over it. It's all I thought about it. It comsumed my being. Drinking cured it, and enabled that failure/hopeless feeling that got me drinking even more. Nasty mess, that circle. We spend too much time there.
Something happened that last time. I reached a new low, something, I dont know. I just know that I wanted to stop thinking about the drinking and start thinking about recovering. When I go to meetings now, I rarely hear drinking stories. Little things here and there that would fill a person with shame outside those rooms, but inside we see and understand the humor behind them, but that's it. What I hear is recovery. 'Here is where I was, yes, but here is where I am now. And here is how I got here. Here is how wonderful it is to be here. '
I know many people who use AA as a high power. It's not just a twist of words, it is a reality. I believe that when ever a group of people get together and work toward a common goal, energy collects there, and remains there. Some call it the energy of the group, some call it the collective conscience, some would even call it an egregor. It's energy that has welled up and is available for others on the same path to tap into. Like school or church or activism or anything that would bring people together in such a way. We dont just hang on to one anyther to stay afloat, we use that energy to and grow and form and grasp and recover.
I dont know if that helped at all. Some think my beliefs are a bit wacky, but they work for me immensily.
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