back from detox and oh-so-angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
back from detox and oh-so-angry
My AH returned home today. I am not living there anymore (living with family). He called to tell me that I betrayed HIM. Now that's a good one!
According to this lovely man, I betrayed him by setting up the intervention with his doctor and by telling my family about what was going on. I said I did not want to talk to him about anything except cordinating when we could exchange some belongings and go to the bank to make some changes with the account (i.e. he can take "his" money out and then he will remove his name from the account). That should be a fun day!
At least he claims that he plans on going to AA. Good for him. I hope he recovers. I wish him the best. Vaya con dios.
He even brought up that we should get a divorce. Beat me to it. But glad I didn't have to be the one to bring it up. I agreed with him. He said I let him down. I responded "not as much as you have let me down".
I'm getting closer to being free. I want to be free. I am heartbroken and sad and angry. I want my life back!
According to this lovely man, I betrayed him by setting up the intervention with his doctor and by telling my family about what was going on. I said I did not want to talk to him about anything except cordinating when we could exchange some belongings and go to the bank to make some changes with the account (i.e. he can take "his" money out and then he will remove his name from the account). That should be a fun day!
At least he claims that he plans on going to AA. Good for him. I hope he recovers. I wish him the best. Vaya con dios.
He even brought up that we should get a divorce. Beat me to it. But glad I didn't have to be the one to bring it up. I agreed with him. He said I let him down. I responded "not as much as you have let me down".
I'm getting closer to being free. I want to be free. I am heartbroken and sad and angry. I want my life back!
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Sounds to me like all you're "guilty" of is exposing his "secret." I can see where he might feel betrayed but that doesn't mean you've actually done anything wrong. Good for you for not backing down! (((hugs)))
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Well, he sure didn't learn any recovery stuff in detox, did he? He sounds like the typical angry dry drunk. Soon look for his version of events in which you were the "bad one" , defaming him and whatnot, when the problem really was (fill in the blank with a lunatic statement that blames you for the divorce).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: pensacola, Fl
Posts: 84
He is probably mad because he didnt want to stop yet and it was forced upon him and if his family and others didnt know about his problems he probably feels like you emasculated him and made him look weak by bringing his problem out into the open. That is an issue he needs to work out with his therapist and get his own mind right. You should not feel bad about what you did because what you did was try to help him not hurt him and if he cant see that then he doesnt deserve you anyways
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
on the way home from every detox and rehab, my xh would look lovingly at me and say....i just want you to know that none of this is your fault, and i don't blame you for anything. you have a clean slate as far as i'm concerned.....i used to think, wow, he really gets it.
but 24 hours later, it was the same bs....look what you made me have to do...this was all your fault...you are supposed to stand by your man....i would move heaven and hell for you....why wouldnt you do the same for me....yea, just wad ole tommy up like yesterdays newspaper and throw him in the trash with all the other garbage.
and 24 hours after that, it was the rage and abuse.
but 24 hours later, it was the same bs....look what you made me have to do...this was all your fault...you are supposed to stand by your man....i would move heaven and hell for you....why wouldnt you do the same for me....yea, just wad ole tommy up like yesterdays newspaper and throw him in the trash with all the other garbage.
and 24 hours after that, it was the rage and abuse.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
When my XAH got his DUI, he had to go for a weekend for classes and whatnot. He told me about some of the things they discussed and even recommended one class to everyone - whether alcoholic or not.
However - the ONE thing that he said that he learned there was that I'd really hurt him and that he didn't have to put up with that anymore!
Yep, you see - I was the bad one in this too. Yep, I was getting the blame.
And you know what - he STILL blames me for anything/everything that he can.
Sadly, I remember a time where I would have bought into that hook, line, and sinker. I'd have felt guilt and sadness, etc. Thank God that I can see much more clearly these days.
For them - blame is all part of the game of denial they play.
However - the ONE thing that he said that he learned there was that I'd really hurt him and that he didn't have to put up with that anymore!
Yep, you see - I was the bad one in this too. Yep, I was getting the blame.
And you know what - he STILL blames me for anything/everything that he can.
Sadly, I remember a time where I would have bought into that hook, line, and sinker. I'd have felt guilt and sadness, etc. Thank God that I can see much more clearly these days.
For them - blame is all part of the game of denial they play.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
[QUOTE=newenglandgirl;1183412]He said I let him down. I responded "not as much as you have let me down".QUOTE]
Boy, do I remember the day my now ex said those exact words to me. I was playing the same betrayal/blame game that your AH is. Looking back on that I'm sure I sounded positively ridiculous. Now I realize I had been letting her down slowly for 11 years of marriage.
Way to go on standing your ground, not backing down, and being strong. I hope you find freedom, peace, and calmness in your life soon.
Boy, do I remember the day my now ex said those exact words to me. I was playing the same betrayal/blame game that your AH is. Looking back on that I'm sure I sounded positively ridiculous. Now I realize I had been letting her down slowly for 11 years of marriage.
Way to go on standing your ground, not backing down, and being strong. I hope you find freedom, peace, and calmness in your life soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Yep! I got that line too! "THE BETRAYAL!! I'll NEVER forgive you for that!!", he said.
As if NO ONE knew he was an alcoholic! Cut me a break!
I told him, "Poor YOU! You actually had someone who loved you enough to see to it that you had the opportunity to get well and have a happy life, unlike countless others! You had the funds to support your care when the insurance refused to pay for detox and treatment! Why don't you go to your AA meeting and tell them how awful it's been for you to have someone who loves you as much as I have??"
He groused and grumbled some more and for years afterwards STILL habours resentment toward me about the intervention and rehab. Jeeesh! Probably explains one of the many reasons why he wound up continuing to drink!
Be good to you.
~GHM
As if NO ONE knew he was an alcoholic! Cut me a break!
I told him, "Poor YOU! You actually had someone who loved you enough to see to it that you had the opportunity to get well and have a happy life, unlike countless others! You had the funds to support your care when the insurance refused to pay for detox and treatment! Why don't you go to your AA meeting and tell them how awful it's been for you to have someone who loves you as much as I have??"
He groused and grumbled some more and for years afterwards STILL habours resentment toward me about the intervention and rehab. Jeeesh! Probably explains one of the many reasons why he wound up continuing to drink!
Be good to you.
~GHM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by Godhelpme 
I told him, "Poor YOU! You actually had someone who loved you enough to see to it that you had the opportunity to get well and have a happy life, unlike countless others! You had the funds to support your care when the insurance refused to pay for detox and treatment! Why don't you go to your AA meeting and tell them how awful it's been for you to have someone who loves you as much as I have??"
EXACTLY!
wow - incredible and empowering to hear that you guys heard the same bullsh*t from your A's. Yes, he's totally blaming me for everything. He sounds totally nuts to me. As Astro said, "positively ridiculous".
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Just the tormented mind of an alcoholic, blame someone else for ruining their life.
They think they are invisable, no one knows they have a problem, it's their little secret...Right bunky!
Let him quack, it's all nonsense.
You are doing a great job not falling for all his crap.
I am proud of you!
Dolly
They think they are invisable, no one knows they have a problem, it's their little secret...Right bunky!
Let him quack, it's all nonsense.
You are doing a great job not falling for all his crap.
I am proud of you!
Dolly
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
The bank issue is not worth waiting on. Someone cannot remove their name from an account. If your name is on the account, you may close the account.
I would get a new account set up immediately (for things like direct deposit and such). When you see that perhaps your paycheck has been deposited in the new account, then close the old one. Give him what money is his, and be done.
It doesn't matter if this was your account before. It doesn't matter if you have had that account for 30 years....you have to close it. I used to work at a bank, and do not understand this completely, but I believe it to be for security reasons. As much as it will be a pain-i-t-a...get started on that immediately.
I would get a new account set up immediately (for things like direct deposit and such). When you see that perhaps your paycheck has been deposited in the new account, then close the old one. Give him what money is his, and be done.
It doesn't matter if this was your account before. It doesn't matter if you have had that account for 30 years....you have to close it. I used to work at a bank, and do not understand this completely, but I believe it to be for security reasons. As much as it will be a pain-i-t-a...get started on that immediately.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
My AH also said i betrayed him when I told him I had told a few of my friends that he's an alcoholic. And he was once very mad at his parents because they took him to rehab.
Today I told him if he'll drink again and miss work and his employer would contact me again, i'll tell them the truth (he somehow managed to keep his job by making up a story to cover up his four weeks of non-stop drinking). He was like "yeah.... i don't want to think about this now. please don't ruin my day"
As if he's been so wronged!
Today I told him if he'll drink again and miss work and his employer would contact me again, i'll tell them the truth (he somehow managed to keep his job by making up a story to cover up his four weeks of non-stop drinking). He was like "yeah.... i don't want to think about this now. please don't ruin my day"
As if he's been so wronged!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by mallowcup
Betrayed. Can you believe they would even utter the word?
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