Expectations - are they ever healthy?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: asia
Posts: 45
Expectations - are they ever healthy?
Insomnia is a bia*ch..... I woke up rehashing what went wrong in my now defunct relationship.
I had expectations - expectations of what I thought was 'normal' and normal to want for myself. I suppose I did a lousy job of communicating them. Partly because I was acquiring many of expectations (and quickly resentments) on the fly.
Anyway, when is it okay to have expectations? Is it ever okay? Do non-alcohol-tainted people (in 'normal' relationships & not much excess emotional baggage) have expectations? Are they met?
I am hating the word. I am not understanding what I am supposed to do with my expectations.... expectations to be wanted, cherished, enjoyed, to have a sense of stability etc. with/by my partner. I do understand -to an extent- that I was 'looking for oranges in the hardware shop'.
I am babbling. Sorry. But if you can grasp my confusion, Help!
I had expectations - expectations of what I thought was 'normal' and normal to want for myself. I suppose I did a lousy job of communicating them. Partly because I was acquiring many of expectations (and quickly resentments) on the fly.
Anyway, when is it okay to have expectations? Is it ever okay? Do non-alcohol-tainted people (in 'normal' relationships & not much excess emotional baggage) have expectations? Are they met?
I am hating the word. I am not understanding what I am supposed to do with my expectations.... expectations to be wanted, cherished, enjoyed, to have a sense of stability etc. with/by my partner. I do understand -to an extent- that I was 'looking for oranges in the hardware shop'.
I am babbling. Sorry. But if you can grasp my confusion, Help!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I don't think of things like "cherish, want, enjoy, stability, etc." with a partner as expectations. They would be my needs in a relationship. I would not need to expect those things if the other person was already giving them freely.
Expectations get me in trouble because I am trying to control the situation or actions of another. Then I end up resentful because another person did not act in the way I expected.
An example. AH did not like giving gifts (to me). I was very open about how I enjoyed receiving a gift on my birthday - even a book. He would not do it. I spent many years expecting him to understand how important it was for me. He would not or could not. Resentment grows from that. Once I freed myself from expecting anything from him, the resentment was gone. That is just one small example. One by one I let the expectations go, and the resentments followed and I found I was focusing on me. And I discovered I was not being listened to or honored and that was not acceptable to me. I'm out of the marriage.
I think it's important to make a distinction between the 2 things. If I'm disappointed by someone else's actions, I can share that with them. It's what happens after that that is important. Am I listened to? Are amends made? If not, then the choice to remain is up to me.
Expectations get me in trouble because I am trying to control the situation or actions of another. Then I end up resentful because another person did not act in the way I expected.
An example. AH did not like giving gifts (to me). I was very open about how I enjoyed receiving a gift on my birthday - even a book. He would not do it. I spent many years expecting him to understand how important it was for me. He would not or could not. Resentment grows from that. Once I freed myself from expecting anything from him, the resentment was gone. That is just one small example. One by one I let the expectations go, and the resentments followed and I found I was focusing on me. And I discovered I was not being listened to or honored and that was not acceptable to me. I'm out of the marriage.
I think it's important to make a distinction between the 2 things. If I'm disappointed by someone else's actions, I can share that with them. It's what happens after that that is important. Am I listened to? Are amends made? If not, then the choice to remain is up to me.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I hear you. I believe that only safe expectations we can have is of ourselves.We mourn the loss of "could've been's" had is should've been. We should NEVER have expectations of alcoholics and/or addicts. I kick myself quite a bit these days for believing the lies and promises of my exAbf. I should've known better...I knew he lied. I knew he was a wounded boy in a man's body. Truth be told..I imagine my wounded girl fell in love with his wounded boy. Unfortunately, the reality was neither adult was in the relationship.
I too desire to be wanted, cherished, stability with a partner...yet I always choose those who can't possibly offer that. Or I let them choose me actually. I have been hurt badly by men I really had no interest in to begin with. I think that's what spurred them on. And yep, I saw the wildly flapping red flags from the get-go with both...when I wasn't attached...they weren't any threat to me I guess. Boy oh boy...I so WISH I had the wherewithall to have never let those men hurt me. But hey, I have addiction issues of my own. I have chosen the easiest less risky pathy emotionally..always...and it always ends up in lonelieness, hurt and misery.
I am very lonely today ...and had to fight with myself from reaching out to an emotional cripple who will NEVER be capable of giving to me what I want and need. Every fibre of my being knows he is NO GOOD for me...yet I weaken in moments of lonelieness...I don't like Sundays.
I too desire to be wanted, cherished, stability with a partner...yet I always choose those who can't possibly offer that. Or I let them choose me actually. I have been hurt badly by men I really had no interest in to begin with. I think that's what spurred them on. And yep, I saw the wildly flapping red flags from the get-go with both...when I wasn't attached...they weren't any threat to me I guess. Boy oh boy...I so WISH I had the wherewithall to have never let those men hurt me. But hey, I have addiction issues of my own. I have chosen the easiest less risky pathy emotionally..always...and it always ends up in lonelieness, hurt and misery.
I am very lonely today ...and had to fight with myself from reaching out to an emotional cripple who will NEVER be capable of giving to me what I want and need. Every fibre of my being knows he is NO GOOD for me...yet I weaken in moments of lonelieness...I don't like Sundays.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by minah 
Insomnia is a bia*ch..... I woke up rehashing what went wrong in my now defunct relationship.
I had expectations - expectations of what I thought was 'normal' and normal to want for myself. I suppose I did a lousy job of communicating them. Partly because I was acquiring many of expectations (and quickly resentments) on the fly.
Anyway, when is it okay to have expectations? Is it ever okay? Do non-alcohol-tainted people (in 'normal' relationships & not much excess emotional baggage) have expectations? Are they met?
I am hating the word. I am not understanding what I am supposed to do with my expectations.... expectations to be wanted, cherished, enjoyed, to have a sense of stability etc. with/by my partner. I do understand -to an extent- that I was 'looking for oranges in the hardware shop'.
I am babbling. Sorry. But if you can grasp my confusion, Help!
I had expectations - expectations of what I thought was 'normal' and normal to want for myself. I suppose I did a lousy job of communicating them. Partly because I was acquiring many of expectations (and quickly resentments) on the fly.
Anyway, when is it okay to have expectations? Is it ever okay? Do non-alcohol-tainted people (in 'normal' relationships & not much excess emotional baggage) have expectations? Are they met?
I am hating the word. I am not understanding what I am supposed to do with my expectations.... expectations to be wanted, cherished, enjoyed, to have a sense of stability etc. with/by my partner. I do understand -to an extent- that I was 'looking for oranges in the hardware shop'.
I am babbling. Sorry. But if you can grasp my confusion, Help!
Hi.
I agree with the above poster those are resonable needs but when you are dealing with someone who has an addiction those expectations are too high because they can't even take care of themselves.
I remember working in a group home for teenagers and my supervisor told me to, "Lower my expectations". it seemed ridiculous but it was true.
I think it just depends on the person your having a relationships with.
hugz
susan
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Crap;that is what get's me in all kinds of hurtful feelings. ME. My exAH is one of those guys whose progression in this disease has been on the slow track,so I DID have those good things I anticipated and expected in the past....my problem is that I forget that currently he is not just having a "bad day" or rough patch (oh...it HAS been rough!ha)...that it is just who he is most of the time now. Thirty years together and being able to depend and trust him for at least the first twenty of them helps fuel my denial....... Then I get upset with myself,too. I have to keep reminding myself of the facts about today and then live my life accordingly. Some days it is easier than others.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: The South
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by minah
I am not understanding what I am supposed to do with my expectations.... expectations to be wanted, cherished, enjoyed, to have a sense of stability etc. with/by my partner.
I suppose the best thing to do would be examine yourself and see why you aren't choosing the types of people who are unable to give to a relationship in the way that you want. Another one of those self-examinations everyone has to do sometimes. Not always fun, but usually worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by denny57
I don't think of things like "cherish, want, enjoy, stability, etc." with a partner as expectations. They would be my needs in a relationship. I would not need to expect those things if the other person was already giving them freely.
Expectations get me in trouble because I am trying to control the situation or actions of another. Then I end up resentful because another person did not act in the way I expected.
An example. AH did not like giving gifts (to me). I was very open about how I enjoyed receiving a gift on my birthday - even a book. He would not do it. I spent many years expecting him to understand how important it was for me. He would not or could not. Resentment grows from that. Once I freed myself from expecting anything from him, the resentment was gone. That is just one small example. One by one I let the expectations go, and the resentments followed and I found I was focusing on me. And I discovered I was not being listened to or honored and that was not acceptable to me. I'm out of the marriage.
I think it's important to make a distinction between the 2 things. If I'm disappointed by someone else's actions, I can share that with them. It's what happens after that that is important. Am I listened to? Are amends made? If not, then the choice to remain is up to me.
Expectations get me in trouble because I am trying to control the situation or actions of another. Then I end up resentful because another person did not act in the way I expected.
An example. AH did not like giving gifts (to me). I was very open about how I enjoyed receiving a gift on my birthday - even a book. He would not do it. I spent many years expecting him to understand how important it was for me. He would not or could not. Resentment grows from that. Once I freed myself from expecting anything from him, the resentment was gone. That is just one small example. One by one I let the expectations go, and the resentments followed and I found I was focusing on me. And I discovered I was not being listened to or honored and that was not acceptable to me. I'm out of the marriage.
I think it's important to make a distinction between the 2 things. If I'm disappointed by someone else's actions, I can share that with them. It's what happens after that that is important. Am I listened to? Are amends made? If not, then the choice to remain is up to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Alcoholic here.
My sponsor, after completing my 5th step, pointed out that resentment is created from unrealistic expectations. People react how they react, period. People do what they do, period.
My sponsor, after completing my 5th step, pointed out that resentment is created from unrealistic expectations. People react how they react, period. People do what they do, period.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
This is a good thread and one that helps me realize I'm not alone in this mess. Denny is right on the mark. We need respect, acceptance, love - after all, we are relational creatures.
I basically get treated with indifference and little more. I quit trying to figure out why AH doesn't just get an attorney and file for a divorce. He has the money. He'd get the house. Fine by me. I would love more than anything in the world to have a normal discussion in which some of my needs could be discussed and met. Will that ever happen? Not in an alcoholic home where the don't-talk-about-it rule is THE RULE.
So having that expectation of my AH led me to feel resentful, depressed, angry, betrayed, etc. Once I realized he would not or could not meet my needs, I let it go. Now I stay pretty much detached, allow myself to feel the pain (and I have the feeling I'm just getting in touch with the tip of the iceberg....), and no longer bother to speak to him much. If we do speak to one another, it's about mundane things like the weather, some vague stuff he did at work, what's in the news on a certain day. Kinda like talking to someone you run into in the grocery store.
No, I gave up expecting anything from this man a long time ago. At least he quit the verbal abuse. Of course, without me engaging him in any sort of REAL discussion, the chance of him mouthing off is gone.
Lovely to live in such a sterile, meaningless so-called "relationship." Seeing it for what it is and will always be has been the catalyst to get me moving towards the final goodbye. And I won't let the door hit me in the arse when I leave.
I basically get treated with indifference and little more. I quit trying to figure out why AH doesn't just get an attorney and file for a divorce. He has the money. He'd get the house. Fine by me. I would love more than anything in the world to have a normal discussion in which some of my needs could be discussed and met. Will that ever happen? Not in an alcoholic home where the don't-talk-about-it rule is THE RULE.
So having that expectation of my AH led me to feel resentful, depressed, angry, betrayed, etc. Once I realized he would not or could not meet my needs, I let it go. Now I stay pretty much detached, allow myself to feel the pain (and I have the feeling I'm just getting in touch with the tip of the iceberg....), and no longer bother to speak to him much. If we do speak to one another, it's about mundane things like the weather, some vague stuff he did at work, what's in the news on a certain day. Kinda like talking to someone you run into in the grocery store.
No, I gave up expecting anything from this man a long time ago. At least he quit the verbal abuse. Of course, without me engaging him in any sort of REAL discussion, the chance of him mouthing off is gone.
Lovely to live in such a sterile, meaningless so-called "relationship." Seeing it for what it is and will always be has been the catalyst to get me moving towards the final goodbye. And I won't let the door hit me in the arse when I leave.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: asia
Posts: 45
Thank you all for your responses. I really liked the distinction between needs and expectations. I have to mull that over some more. Thank you.
I do hope that when the situation presents itself again, I chose a partner from a postion of strength. But that is a long time away for me... I am happy to let that field lay fallow for a while to come :-)
I am fairly new in the road to recovery but I think I have made giant steps already. I had to join Al-Anon to realise how absolutely sick of a creature I am -take my inability to separate needs vs. expectations. I am thankful that through the meetings, readings, and this forum I get to think about my motivations, expectations, AND needs in a way I have never done before. I have never felt "blessed" before until the past several weeks.
I am living through an absolutely absurd period in my life. Never would I have thought my circumstances would be as they are nor that I would have an emotional break down and yet feel so hopeful that I will overcome. Thank you for taking the time to give your views. I really appreciate your help.
I do hope that when the situation presents itself again, I chose a partner from a postion of strength. But that is a long time away for me... I am happy to let that field lay fallow for a while to come :-)
I am fairly new in the road to recovery but I think I have made giant steps already. I had to join Al-Anon to realise how absolutely sick of a creature I am -take my inability to separate needs vs. expectations. I am thankful that through the meetings, readings, and this forum I get to think about my motivations, expectations, AND needs in a way I have never done before. I have never felt "blessed" before until the past several weeks.
I am living through an absolutely absurd period in my life. Never would I have thought my circumstances would be as they are nor that I would have an emotional break down and yet feel so hopeful that I will overcome. Thank you for taking the time to give your views. I really appreciate your help.
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