sketscher

I was doing so well until Christmas. I visited him.

This afternoon I went over. I look over at him and he's crying because he's listening to some song that apparently hits some nerve. I try to ignore it in order to not embarrass him. I see now just how drunk he is. But I finally hug him for comfort but he pushes me away. Few minutes later he's asking me if I've ever considered antidepressants and wondering how much the Dr. would give him. He's worried that he might die soon, he's telling me that he wishes some car would just hit him at an intersection. This is when I bolt out of the room. I should have left!!!

Instead I stay and later his mood lightens. But during this time he confesses something to me about me of an intimate nature that just set off an explosion of pain in me. He then began to yell at me that I shouldn't turn friendly advice into such an issue. He's actually shouting at me, my head collapsed into my hands I'm balling uncontrollably then I pounce on him!! I was going to wail on him but thank God as I leapt towards him I just grabbed his shoulders and begged him to stop. I was horrified at the whole episode.

I can't believe it but somehow we both settled down and I actually stayed for a long time. I explain to him, which is senseless I know since he's wasted, how I felt about his comment. Why it's so upsetting to me. How I feel so inadequate as a lover and how unappealing I feel because of my weight. His comment only damaged me further.

Wait it gets worse, for me anyway. This is where I really freak out!! we lay down and watch tv for awhile. He continues with his stupid drunken comments. His insults that he thinks are so funny. Etc. I'm laying there wondering why in the world I'm staying but by this point I'm just waiting for him to pass out so I can exit without any more drama. He starts snoring and I slip out of bed. ugh he wakes up and asks me where I'm going. I say "home to eat". He begins demanding that I make something there for both of us and "hurry because I'm (he's) hungry". HE HAS NOTHING but crackers cheese, lunch meat, oreos. I mentioned in another thread how I have gained weight over the last few months. So I started a diet again. Crackers just don't cut it for me. I need a real and balanced meal if I am going to curb my hunger. I try to explain this to him. He accuses me of being angry because I'm hungry and demands that I "get out". I'm so hurt by this, crushed that I'm expected to watch his demise and diseased behavior but he senses the slightest "problem" with me and I'm thrown out. I stand up and grab the fat on my stomach and shout through tears that I'm fat and disgusting. That I hate myself, I don't even remember what else I said. I remember him saying "well I didn't tell you to eat 10 pounds of crackers".

So to sum it up right now I feel like complete s***. I'm stunned at how much I really hate myself. He pushed my buttons and I crumbled. I didn't know I had that much self-loathing in me. I'm feeling like I do really need help now. I had such an outburst of emotion that I really don't feel normal. I'm not drinking, I really wasn't that hungry. I can only assume that I'm screwed up.

embraced2000

first....breathe....we've all went back for seconds at different times.

i always went back for another taste of it because during our seperations, i was getting better and was hoping that he was, too. but he wasn't. and it always ended the same....with me wondering why the hell i was there, and how to exit, and feeling like crap.

hon, it's ok....use this as a stepping stone to your recovery. you have seen, yet one more time, that he is still very sick. and it makes you sick to be around him.

love to you
jeri

BigSis

(((sketscher))) Well, you are in the right place. There are a couple of forums here that you may find especially helpful. The friends and families of alcoholics and the forum for eating disorder (I also qualify for similar forums - as I am a compulsive overeater, alcoholic and the parent of two addicts).

Trying to be and fix "everything and all at once" is too big for anyone.

Have you ever checked out Alanon or Overaters Anonymous? If you are planning to stay with your alcoholic boyfriend, you may want to visit Alanon - they can help you separate HIS issues from YOUR issues and how to focus all that energy of yours on the most important person in this equation... you.

Please keep posting - there are others who will be along soon... and do take a read around those forums I mentioned - especially the "sticky" posts at the top of the forums - they are very helpful.

(((hugs)))

BigSis

Egad... I should look "up" once in a while. I don't know why I thought I was reading and posting in the Newcomers Forum. Sketcher - please forgive me, I was not meaning to be condescending in any way.

... perhaps *I* should start up a "Read before you Type" forum, eh?

Please know that I am sending prayers for comfort - sounds like you have been through the wringer this week.

(((hugs)))

deax

(((sketscher)))
I'm sorry you had such an experience with him.... Clearly he's not interested in how his words hurt you. I don't think you're crazy for having an outburst of emotion, that's perfectly normal I would think when someone you love says hurtful things. I htink the issue is more why you chose to stay for so long, for it to get worse.

It's the obsession to the person that is so hard to get a handle on. For me, no contact absolutely worked in helping me to break that severe emotional attachment. Too much of ANYTHING is dangerous. Yes, I still think about and feel for my ex but I don't depend on him to function anymore. But it took a couple months of depression, anxiety attacks, crying fits at work before I got to this point. But being on the other side now-- it's a much healthier place to be. Therapy helped loads too, as did going back to church, lots of prayer, journaling and meditation. Answers come to me in meditation-- though I know not everyone is into that. But somewhere in us, we already have the answers we think we're looking for.

I'd suggest taking the bull by the horns and seriously limiting contact, or setting some serious boundaries on your encounters with him to do with whether he's drinking, leaving the minute he says something hurtful or acts crazy, etc. I never had to deal with this kind of irrational behavior, so I can only imagine how difficult this must be on you. You need to protect yourself now. He won't do that for you.

PS-- I went back and wondered why too many times too. I was never in the same exact boat, but that's not to say mine was smooth sailing either! I put up with wayyy more than I should have for waay too long, too. I'm not judging.

DesertEyes

Hey there sketscher,

I'm sorry you had such a terrible time with him. I don't think that you're screwed up, I think you just have the same thing I have, a bad case of codie-ism. The guy is bad for you but you went anyway. I think you hit the nail on the head with this comment

I dunno why you went back to him, or why you stayed. I know that _I_ did with my ex cuz I didn't feel good enough about _me_ to risk the rejection of facing the real world.

So what are you doing to take care of _you_ tonite? You've mentioned before that you can't face al-anon. Can I suggest that if you have the strength to face this man who treats you with such disrespect then you have more than enough strength to face a handful of people who feel exactly the same way you feel. No way in the world would a few kind, loving people ever treat you the way this man treated you.

You don't have to hurt like this anymore, you really can stop the pain and make for yourself a good life. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call the al-anon office in your phone book. Not only will it be good for you, it will also be good for the other members of the meeting who will be able to share _their_ pain with you, and know that you will undersand them and treat them with kindness.

I'll be going to my meet tomorrow nite. We all say a prayer at the begining of that meet and I'll be saying your name when we pray.

Mike

sketscher

thanks you guys for the immediate response!

Meditation sounds cool. I'm a hippy type and I could easily see being into that. I've been considering therapy. Overeaters A I would consider though my mom went years ago and said they only talk about food and even brought food to meetings! HA.

I know I need to separate my problems from his. That's probably the biggest obstacle.

I knew staying there this afternoon was bad news. I should have left the minute I saw him crying (never saw that before).

I know I'm not in hole so deep that I can't get out but I feel like he is. He's pulling me into his or he's throwing dirt into mine. It's so sick this evening. I've never had an outburst like this before. I onder what he'll remember. I'm ashamed of what I was reduced to.

deax

Me too, many times I am embarassed now of my behavior. Complte lunatic out of control. But try and let it go. That's what I do. What's the sense? It's who we were at that moment in time, we learned from it, and it's not like they walk around with a lot of regret for their behavior. BTW, I added a PS to my post above. Love and hugs to you.

sketscher

thanks deax!

All of you guys! Thank you so much!

sketscher

right now I'm more shocked at my behavior directed at myself. I didn't think I disliked myself this much. I'm shocked that I allowed him in on it. this is why I feel at my bottom. I can't help him. He can't help me. We're worthless to each other. I felt as screwed up as him tonight. I hadn't had a drop of beer and I'm acting out of my mind.

Cecilia

Sorry. I dont have any warm fuzzies. I dont hug.. LOL.

What I am is confused. Tell me what this person has that you would put up with this kinda CRAP. . And being drunk is no excuse for being an ass. My husband would never get away with talking to me like that no matter how pixilated he was.

Dont let him tell you that youre "damaged" cause youre not stick thin. Real women have curves. Just because he says something doesnt make it true. Thats just his opinion. Yours is the only one that counts. Well. Except mine. LOL

Just because you happen to pick up a reject doesnt mean you have to keep it. You can toss it back and get one that works ya know. .

denny57

Well, the good side of it is - if you've hit bottom as you're title says, you only have one way to go - up.

There is plenty of help out there sketscher - you just need to make the first call.

Good luck.

ICU

Sketcher,

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. It really sucks, doesn't it? (Hope that doesn't sound flip....I just didn't know how else to describe when a person feels that way because it does suck!).

Reading what you have just shared here has openened the flood gates of bad memories from the past for me as I can so identify with what you have written.

In hindsight I learned that all of my exab's rage and hateful treatment towards me was a release for his own self-loathing, anger (and fear) towards himself and his behavior. He took every thing he knew I was insecure or sensitive about and used those things against me. He even made some things up along the way. Things that just existed in his own mind. He was going down, and he knew it. But he wasn't going down alone.....no, he had to take someone with him. After all, he always told me that the person you hurt the most is the one closest to you (I guess this was his excuse for treating all of the women in his life badly...something I later found out about). In fact, I truly believe that he would rather push me down (or any woman down....and I do mean that quite literally too), to break or cushion his fall.

In hindsight I also learned that to the degree of just how much I put up with him reflected just how addicted I was to him (and addicted to being mistreated), and just how sick I was.

I remember when I hit my bottom, it was our last moments together as a couple (a couple of what I'm not quite sure LOL). I mouthed off to him big time. Although in comparison, my 60 seconds of mouthing off was nothing when compared to the months and months of hateful treatment he spewed towards me. But I did my very best to return to him his hateful and cruel treatment of me in kind. Did I feel badly afterwards? Sure! I had just sunk to an all-time new 'low' for myself. However, it was MY catalyst to change! Sort of like declaring my independence. "I'm mad (beat up, beaten down) as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore"!!!!!

In that one moment, everything began to change, as I had nowhere to go but 'up'.

Perhaps this is your catalyst to change. When the pain gets so bad, it's intolerable, we then do anything to take the necessary steps to make our lives happier, healthier and whole again. All of that can only happen when we remove the 'damaged goods' from our lives and look within, for that is the only place this change can come from...within ourselves.

So Sketcher, it's all on how you look at it, AND, what you do with it. What do you think?

sketscher

I'm up too early...

ICU, you put it so perfectly. He's obviously in a world of pain and depression and felt it easier to take it out on me. No excuse I know.

For the record he didn't even say anything about my weight problem. I turned it into that. What he told me was that I wasn't all that good at performing an intimate act. Which just brought out the issues for me of feeling like a lousy lover.

This goes back to all the crappy relationships I've ever had and one in particular. A guy who as far as I know wasn't an addict of any kind but mistreated me so badly that I still carry the memory of his cruel words which were "you're fat and inexperienced, I can't feel anything when..." (you guys get the picture). I only dated him for a month. Then NO ONE for 4 years!

Last night brought me back to the memory of that psycho.

Plus I've been thinking about lots of things from my past. How I was raised. My parents are still together and both wonderful creative intelligent people. But my mom is a codie, overweight and very critical of EVERYONE. My dad suffers from panic attacks. I see in myself how I picked up really bad behaviors from both of them. I've been displaying them since I can remember.

My problems don't all lie within this messed up relationship is what I'm trying to say.

I might be ready for a good therapist.

embraced2000

you are worthy, sketscher, of love and good things.

believe that and act upon it.

life could put the most beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, sexually desirable, and perfect woman in the life of a very sick alcoholic, and that person still would not be "enough".....the sick alcoholic would still spew the same words from their mouths, and still exhibit the same actions as if that perfect person were the most undesirable person on the face of the earth.

love to you
jeri

sketscher

Jeri, Thank you. I know you know what I'm going through. The love the hate.

I'm vacilating now. His problems, my problems (?)...

He gave me a glimour of hope yesterday talking about the Dr. saying he wished there was a pill to make you stop drinking. I swear I was just holding my breath. Thinking wow, maybe he's about to hit bottom. I should have just left him to wallow in his sadness. Instead I let him focus on me.

Thank God for the Packers tonight. I'm going to my parents to watch Football. This will be a very nice way to spend New Year's Eve.

dollydo

Time to take control of you, the only person you can control. You opened the door, you walked into the arena, you were the loser....you are fighting a battle you can never win.

The only way another person can walk on your back, is if you are laying face first on the ground.

Get up, dust yourself off, move forward in your recovery. Set your bounderies, for you, and, stick to them.

Recovery sucks, it's hard, yet, it is the only answer.

My Best.

Dolly

ICU

I know what you mean. When I said it was time to look within, that's exactly what I had to do to find out 'why' I put up with so much bad behavior.

For me, it was facing my childhood issues. This is where I learned to accept the unacceptable. My Dad in particular was vulgar in his words and treatment of me. He was emotionally and physically, although not sexually, abusive. But the mixed up message I learned was, well, my Dad talks to me and treats me this way, and I know he LOVES me. Therefore, this man I'm with now treats me the same way (well, much worse actually), so he must REALLY love me! I can see why I chose the partners that I had in my adult life for they all emulated this.

I had counseling, read my codependency books, participated here, and it's all helped me. But I had to be willing, desperately unhappy enough, and unwilling to accept the unacceptable anymore to do the work.

Oh, and by the way, one long time relationship I was in serioulsy damaged my self esteem when it came to sexual situations as well. Not sure, but I think he was addicted to porn, and definitely drank too much (but I don't think he was an alcholic). I remember not feeling, 'satisfied' and thought to myself, well, if I don't tell him, he'll never know what I like. So, I told him what I liked and he told me that he doesn't want to hear anything about rules and regulations in bed. "If it's good enough for other women he's been with, it should be good enough for me too". WOW...what a turn on!!! NOT!!! Good bye sex life! Should have ended the relationship right then and there. But did I? Of course not! It fit right in with my 'sick needs' at the time....not considering myself worthy enough to find happiness.

You'll get there Sketcher. In your own time and space...when you are ready. Each of our paths can differ in the amount of time it takes for us to get to where we want to be. This is just another path in your journey. Might just be time to consider an alternate one!?!?

sketscher

My dad never yelled, never got angry, never got drunk, he's the most mellow guy I know, very soft spoken, still very manly. I think his repressed emotions may be what has now caused his anxiety though.

I find it very scary to see a man get angry. I never saw this as a child and I think I may be hypersensitive to it. I also don't know how to defend myself. I cry. Which doesn't work.

I know nothing works against an alcoholic.

Sometimes though I wish I could unleash a beast! hmm an eye for an eye?
Not good either.

Maybe this is why xabf's mom is now a lesbian after the marriage to his AD!

Nuudawn

Morning Sketscher,
I'm still grieving (and yes, obsessing) over my second recent breakup with an alcoholic/addict. He's a train wreck beyond the shadow of a doubt...and I fret and worry for him despite the fact he has hurt me emotionally more than any man I have ever known. There is a man inside him who I love...but the one who is taking over more and more each day..the drunken addict..well, I hate that angry lying coward. It's a double edged sword.
I have not seen him (unfortunately I have to hear about him a lot from someone close to me who is his business partner) but I can still use his words and actions to beat myself up with..to tell me I'm not good enough or pretty enough or worthy of a healthy love. I started grinding on something he did just last night and made myself feel like crap...then suddenly...I stopped and started to cry. I actually told myself to "STOP IT"..stop hurting myself with this crap. It's like I intentionally go into my head and grab something to beat myself with. It is the past and its over. Eyes forward.

Honey, your heart is too big for your head (just like mine). Give him over to God...you can't help or fix him. Loving him will NEVER fix him...but learning to love yourself will fix you. See a counsellor, read some books, join a support group, post here. 2007 is YOUR year to fall deeply and madly in love with you.
Love, luck and bright blessings.
T.