Am I no better than him?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Am I no better than him?
A sad, sad, sad Christmas. AH drinking. All holiday plans canceled. We were planning to have some friends over, but I had to call them and told a lie that we got a flu and there's no more gathering. I felt disappointment in my friends' voice. That part really sucks....
It's another ruined Christmas like the one two years ago. Makes me wonder, why am I still stuck in the same spot today! They say when I'm ready to leave I'll know. I guess I don't know yet.... The worst part is, my AH actually got a little better, well, in some way. Now he can stay sober for weeks between drinking bouts, compared to just days a year ago. He also goes to AA. But I'm not sure if he's just doing it for me. He goes once a week, but I never saw him reading any AA literature or doing anything about his recovery at other times. Maybe it's just his way to keep me hooked to him.
I sure am very negative whenever my AH drinks. Then, when he stops drinking, I become all hopeful again and will believe once more that things will eventually turn right. I've tried Alanon, I read, and I come to SR to read, but i still don't seem to be able to get rid of this crazy thinking pattern. What should I do? Am I just like my AH? That deep down, I just don't want to let go?
It's another ruined Christmas like the one two years ago. Makes me wonder, why am I still stuck in the same spot today! They say when I'm ready to leave I'll know. I guess I don't know yet.... The worst part is, my AH actually got a little better, well, in some way. Now he can stay sober for weeks between drinking bouts, compared to just days a year ago. He also goes to AA. But I'm not sure if he's just doing it for me. He goes once a week, but I never saw him reading any AA literature or doing anything about his recovery at other times. Maybe it's just his way to keep me hooked to him.
I sure am very negative whenever my AH drinks. Then, when he stops drinking, I become all hopeful again and will believe once more that things will eventually turn right. I've tried Alanon, I read, and I come to SR to read, but i still don't seem to be able to get rid of this crazy thinking pattern. What should I do? Am I just like my AH? That deep down, I just don't want to let go?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
i know how you feel. I'm sitting here wondering the same thing. Just getting tired of the whole thing...and I'm not MARRIED to my A! I would think that would make it easier to kick him to the curb so to speak. But my heart continues to make excuses. Just like yours... Sucks doesn't it?!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((((((((((((((((lill))))))))))))))))))
No your not crazy hun you are however just as sick as he is...in that I mean your addiction is that you are addicted to the addict. So was I for 22 years...and still am in all reality. You have to learn the fine art of detaching...it came naturally for me I was lucky in that. The only bit of luck I ever really had..lol
Just remember that he has to do it for himself and going to meeting only once a week is not enough because he is active in his addiction..does he have a sponsor? If he doesnt have one then he needs to get one fast.
I have had so many holidays ruined by my ex. It hurts I know and I am so sorry that you're going through all this. You shouldn't have lied about it to anyone - you should have let him face his consequence. Only in this way will they see what the drinking is doing to them. Next round - dont make that phone call. let him do it if he feels he has to.
Merry Christmas Honey....
Keep coming here we all care about you very much.
Janit
No your not crazy hun you are however just as sick as he is...in that I mean your addiction is that you are addicted to the addict. So was I for 22 years...and still am in all reality. You have to learn the fine art of detaching...it came naturally for me I was lucky in that. The only bit of luck I ever really had..lol
Just remember that he has to do it for himself and going to meeting only once a week is not enough because he is active in his addiction..does he have a sponsor? If he doesnt have one then he needs to get one fast.
I have had so many holidays ruined by my ex. It hurts I know and I am so sorry that you're going through all this. You shouldn't have lied about it to anyone - you should have let him face his consequence. Only in this way will they see what the drinking is doing to them. Next round - dont make that phone call. let him do it if he feels he has to.
Merry Christmas Honey....
Keep coming here we all care about you very much.
Janit
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I guess you answered it for your self. You don't want to let go. Unfortunately I'm afraid you have the impression that any of us are ever ready to let go. Even is we leave in anger or because we are fed up, the quiet times come. You are disappointed but not devastated. Maybe you half way expected it. I wish your happy holiday wasn't for him to ruin or make a success. What if you made and kept plans that didn't depend on him being sober?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
When he's drinking, I think to myself: I wish I didn't marry him.
When he's not, he's so loving and wonderful that I've secretly told myself several times that "I can't give up on this man. He's just got a terrible desease. Even if he drinks again, I'll still love him and stay to support him."
When he's not, he's so loving and wonderful that I've secretly told myself several times that "I can't give up on this man. He's just got a terrible desease. Even if he drinks again, I'll still love him and stay to support him."
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
dobiediva, Janitw, mallowcup ... thank you for understanding my pain. You people are so wonderful in the way that whenever i think i'm stupid and a failure, you would assure me i'm not.
It's sad though... to know that the ending will be either he finds recovery or i'll get so fed up that I'll leave.....
I haven't done much this Christmas except visiting my parents last night. I went without him and had a nice time with my parents and their cat ....
It's my decision to cancel the Xmas gathering with our friends though. I've decided long time ago that I will never ever go out with him or see any friends together when he's drunk. I can't stand the way he acts around others. I can't handle the shame and embarresment, and I'll look very grumpy all the time.
It's sad though... to know that the ending will be either he finds recovery or i'll get so fed up that I'll leave.....
I haven't done much this Christmas except visiting my parents last night. I went without him and had a nice time with my parents and their cat ....
It's my decision to cancel the Xmas gathering with our friends though. I've decided long time ago that I will never ever go out with him or see any friends together when he's drunk. I can't stand the way he acts around others. I can't handle the shame and embarresment, and I'll look very grumpy all the time.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Illinois
Posts: 23
Oh no, you are not alone!
My AH was drunk at the family dinner last night. Only good part was it was just three of us. My daughter and I were so annoyed because he wouldn't shut up. Then my son called. He is in the Navy stationed in Japan. When it was my daughter's turn to talk I hear her say "Its just a normal family Christmas". We both rolled our eyes. Sad, this is "normal". It is the same year after year.
So Sad!
Julie
My AH was drunk at the family dinner last night. Only good part was it was just three of us. My daughter and I were so annoyed because he wouldn't shut up. Then my son called. He is in the Navy stationed in Japan. When it was my daughter's turn to talk I hear her say "Its just a normal family Christmas". We both rolled our eyes. Sad, this is "normal". It is the same year after year.
So Sad!
Julie
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Those are't the only two choices, you can detach and carry out plans without him.The holidays seem to be times when alcoholics let us down with drinking. Maybe they are just bigger disappointments. The more you learn about the disease the better you can plan your life with him or without him. I think you could consider sharing with a few close friends the truth. I have a 17 year old neice whos father is an alcoholic. She talks about her fathers disease in a very open and practical way, much the same way as if he had diabetes.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I think it is just the season hon.... things seem to hurt more this time of the year.
Maybe make the holiday plans so that you can go through with them ... with or without the alcoholic.
I would stop beating yourself up over still standing by his side. Love is an amazing emotion and not one that is easy to give up on. Merry Christmas to you sweetie and please dont allow this to ruin your holiday.
Maybe make the holiday plans so that you can go through with them ... with or without the alcoholic.
I would stop beating yourself up over still standing by his side. Love is an amazing emotion and not one that is easy to give up on. Merry Christmas to you sweetie and please dont allow this to ruin your holiday.
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