an'ka

Hi, everybody! I am so full of mixed feelings these days. AH came back from rehab two weeks ago. We had several heated conversations, but get along ok most of the time. My trouble is that I am way far from having AH back into my personal space after being hurt over and over for a couple of years. I don't want to share with him what I do, who I talk to on the phone, or anything that involves my personal life. He, on the other hand, gets completely bent out of shape because he can't stand the thought of me meeting another man. FYI, I am not seeing anyone, but he is extremely insecure and clingy. I have lived on my own for a year now and am used to doing what I want (which is not much at all with a 2 year old) without questions or explanations. Now that he is sober, AH decided that he is my husband and thinks that he is entitled to knowing what's going on with me, which drives me crazy.

The trouble is, there is no third party where I can drop off our daughter for them to spend time together. So, I end up having to see him. He keeps hinting that maybe he can cook dinner at my place and thinks that I am ridiculous when I say I don't feel comfortable with that. Several times he mentioned intimate relations, which at this point I can't even fathom--how can I be intimate with someone after everything that he put me through? I don't know if I want to be married anymore. Honestly, I wouldn't feel upset if he found somebody else...I am just so mixed up right now. I want to be left alone, but don't know how to do that because of our daughter. Any chicken soup for this ambivalent soul?

JessicaNAJ

Tell him how you feel.

AllTooSober

an'ka, what you posted here is articulate and thoughtful. Why not just tell him exactly the way you told us? Rational people can understand, and now that he's working on sobriety he may start responding to rationality, if he hasn't already.

an'ka

I feel like I tell him over and over and over and yet it doesn't do anything. The more I try to gain distance, the closer he wants to be...

LaTeeDa

It all depends on what you want. If you want to try and rebuild the relationship, maybe couples counseling is in order. On the other hand, if you don't want to work it out, maybe you could arrange to go out while he spends time with your daughter. If that makes you uncomfortable, maybe a legal separation with written agreement on visitation. Maybe you just need some time to sort out what you want. If so, let him know what you need and how long. You have many choices. He wants things his way, you want things your way. Either you come up with a compromise, or agree to disagree and move on. It doesn't always have to be his way or your way, there can be middle ground.

L

embraced2000

an'ka

are you going to al-anon??? going to regular meetings, counseling, and posting here on soberrecovery is what helped me deal with all the "stuff"

one time my xah got sober for 10 months......i had to learn how to live with his sobriety, cause it was totally different than when he was drinking. the way i learned was going to al-anon....

good luck
jeri

mallowcup

It sounds over. I'd just say so and work toward that end.

Grasshopper

Personally---i talk honesty with folks.And i listen to them too.However if they keep pushing their will onto me,i then teach them by my own behaviour,that no means no,yes means yes.No longer today do i keep explaining myself to folks who for their own reasons do not hear.If i need space,i need it for my own recovery.,for however long it takes.its ok if another doesnt understand ,as long as i do.healing takes time,recovery takes time.
This works for me.