sisterray

I am sitting here crying instead of getting on with it. I was feeling ok this morning. Then he tried calling from jail. The recorded message said there was a collect call and that I would need to establish an account to accept calls. So I gave them $25 that I don't really have. I am an idiot. I wanted so much to hear from him! Then after that, he wasn't on the line. I called the jail to ask them to tell him I put money down so he could call-they won't give him messages. So major screw up on my part to start the day. Just feeling sorry for myself. Sorry. Lori ps-I don't really have any friends right now, so this is why I keep talking here.

AllTooSober

(((sisterray))) I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. All I can offer are hugs!

deax

sis, you were just feeling so much stronger before he called you. When you decided you thought he needed to feel the consequences of what he's done. Can I ask how long he'll be in for? Did I read somewhere that you said it's just a few more months? What do you think about telling him you'd rather not have any contact until he gets out-- would that help you stay more peaceful? I know it's not for everyone, but cutting off (well, greatly reducing to be more precise) my contact with my ex really helped me by giving me just some plain old TIME to sort things out and make some sense of the situation without all his drama getting in my way. Gave me time to figure out what I want for my life.

I know things are so different when you have kids... but time really helped me and you seemed a lot more at peace with yourself before that phone rang.

sisterray

I was peaceful before the call. But he didn't do anything wrong. He was just trying to call to say hi. I was just upset that I screwed up and gave the money and now I still can't talk to him. But you are right, I was just fine, having a boring day cleaning the house and reading here, and playing with the baby. Then along came the drama again (not intended by him this time, but still) and I am sitting here crying and begging jailers to give him messages, and upsetting myself. STOP! I will just go on with my day, clean the house, if he calls, he calls, otherwise $25 isn't the end of the world. I'll go on. Thank you all so much, I would feel so alone without this place. I just can't make myself to to al anon-the little quotes from everyone drive me nuts. At least people here are real. I am going to to to the AA open meeting on friday night. The people are real there too. I've gone there before with him and gotten a lot out of it. I have never drank-it makes me sick before it makes me drunk, but I have 20 years of bartending under my belt. That is why I have no friends. All my so called friends were from the bars, and I refuse to participate in that life, I wind up trying to fix all their problems too, so I stay away. That was why I was a good bartender, I want to fix the world, so I was a good listening ear. But when I need one, they are nowhere to be found. Just Venting. Lori

sisterray

Oh-He will be in for three months. I don't know how this all works. In July he was ranting at me at the top of his lungs. The neighbors called the cops, and he was still at it in the front yard when they came. He got a years probation for domestic. He got caught drinking three, yes three times and they finally just revoked him. He is an idiot. He went in on my birthday, November 27. He doesnt go to court until the middle of January. They moved him to another county because this jail is too full, so he is two and a half hours away. I dont know if the three months starts when he goes to court or if they count the last month, or if they count all the days here and there that he was in for probation hold. Lori

denny57

It helps me to not assign "right" and "wrong" to behavior. What is, is. You received a call that triggered bad feelings. That's the reality I am learning to deal with - MY FEELINGS.

I think it's interesting that you find the people at AA real but not those at Al-Anon. What do you personally get out of the open AA meetings? I go to them, too. For me, it's good to hear the stories and know that recovery is possible. Is it the same for you?

Al-Anon teaches me to look at MYSELF, my PART IN IT, what I can do to CHANGE ME. Sure, slogans can drive you nuts - I think AA has more than we do - but it's possible the issue is bigger - not wanting to do the personal work.

I've seen in your other posts that right now you just want him to get sober and have life get better. Living with sobriety will be tough, too, and Al-Anon can help there.

I hope you think I'm a real person :-)!

p.s. please excuse the caps - the italics isn't working.

lilac

I don't really know what to say, just that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please continue posting here, we all love you. (((Hugs)))

deax

sis denny made some great points, as usual. I find myself getting annoyed in Al Anon too, the slogans and the topics that seem to almost always focus on how great life is and making the most of every day. I don't always have patience for that either, meetings that are less cheery sometimes do more for me. But on the other hand, I think the difficulty for people like us is that one of the principles in Al Anon is that no one generally gives straight advice in the group setting, it's meant to be the greatest benefit for all, so they give you ideas and tools you can spend time thinking about, and then decide on your own what's best for you. When you're still focused on the alcoholic and just want answers how to fix an immediate situation, Al Anon can seem annoying. But nowadays when I find myself starting to feel that way again, I remind myself to check where my focus is, what I can do to find the good in my situation, and then try to offer that to the group and use it in real life.

AA meetings- I don't go to them but I'd like to. I feel self-conscious being there, not knowing who knew my ex, people wondering why I'm there. I shouldn't care but I do. But Al Anon is really where we belong, I believe; anything that works is good and AA has important lessons for us to learn too, but if you at all suspect you go to AA instead because you want to understand him or beacause your focus is too wrapped up in him and HIS problems, maybe reconsider that. You coud even start small- go to one Al Anon meeting for every AA meeting. I used to spend hours in Barnes & Noble reading alcoholism books- it never occurred to me to go to the Self-Help section for myself! lol

It's a lot to think about and it's all hard. I just hope you feel better, I totally understand that frenzied panic you felt after he called all too well. (hugs)

sisterray

I think you hit a nerve with what I feel about Al Anon. I DO want answers to how to deal with what is going on. How to fix everything. I think that is why it drives me nuts. All the happy canned stuff. That isn't meant in a mean way, just how I feel about the meetings here. I kind of get the message that "My life is ****, but I can be happy, happy, happy through it all! I feel pretty inadequate and whiny there. Because I am not feeling happy, one step at a time, focus on me and take bubble baths and walk, and I will come to accept it all. The AA meetings help me more mostly because I know pretty much everyone there from tending bar in a small town for so long. They do help me understand the situation better, make me feel like what he does isn't something that is just happening to me. They let their feelings show more. At least that is how the meetings are here, or my perception of them. I am also seeing a good counselor. I need to stop fixing it all. But that scares me, because in my experience, once someone doesn't need me for something I can do for them, then they move on. I have a hard time with the loving me thing. I look outward way too much. I will give Al Anon another shot. I do read the literature most days. I want to like it. I do need to look at me more. I just don't know how. Little Steps, I guess.

elizabeth1979

Sisterray, one thing I just wanted to add..an overidentification with the alcoholics (plural) in my life, is something that I felt alot of. I also at first thought I could relate more to people and the mood in the AA rooms than in Al-anon rooms.

I later came to find, it was my unwillingness and inability to detach from disfunctional relationships that kept me in that place.

Just food for thought. Lots of people go to open AA meetings and Al-anon as part of their recovery process.

denny57

(((sisterray))) That one's painful, isn't it? Through Al-Anon and my GREAT therapist, I am slooooooooowly starting to understand that this has been about the type of people I bring into my life, not about my shortcomings or un-lovableness. It's exhausting working on me, but the benefits are worth it. Good luck with it all - you sound like a sweetheart.

sisterray

Thanks again everyone. And you are right. I relate to drunks. Through Jim, through my job. That needs to stop. Needy people are all that I have had in my life so far. I don't want to give him up, but I can choose the others in my life. Thanks for the food for thought. That is why I feel more comfortable in AA than Al Anon. (but I still don't like all the quoting-Ill get used to it.) Lori

sketscher

You know I can understand the comfort of being around people with "problems". Most of my friends have come from dysfunctional families or were minorities or outcasts in some way. I myself have always felt like a bit of a misfit or maybe you could call it eccentric. And other walks of life such as wealthy, popular and mainstream people make me really uncomfortable. But then again so do criminals and when my exabf told stories of being arrested and all with no remorse I was really unsettled.

I suppose all I'm saying is that I can understand how you'd feel more comfortable with the "realness" of AA vs. Al-anon. But that it's probably got more to do with our own issues than the meetings.

A friend of mine once stated that I must like to feel "superior" to the person I was dating. That I coudn't handle being the one who has more problems. I'm not sure I agree with that. I never looked at it that way. guess I'll have to examine myself for those answers.

StandingStrong

Just wanting to give you some food for thought........

You don't have many friends right now. Okay, I can understand that as you don't want to have the same lifestyle you had with so-called "friends" that you had in the bar.
My question to you would be: What are you doing to make some friends?
You've answered the question about Alanon, but what about play groups through your kids, working, volunteering through the school or other places, etc - do you go anywhere where you may just happen to meet other people that have the same interests as you to make some friends?

So...you spent the day cleaning, doing laundry, etc. and you missed his call. Considering that I recall many a day and evening home alone with the kids and not having alot of social interations with other adults, I can imagine that was part of the disappointment you felt in not getting to talk to your A.
Question: Why don't you get out of that house for a bit? Go for a walk, take your son to the park to play, go do something with your kids, etc. Don't make your home your prisoner - and don't make the prisoner (currently your A) become the only adult life-line that you have.

So, you take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc. but what do you do for you? I realize this topic may be a sore spot for you, but I'm hoping to get you to see it a little differently than what you may have through Alanon. Even small things to pamper yourself is taking care of yourself, doing things you like to do that bring you joy, doing things you want to do that make you happy - this is part of what makes life worth living - the joy of it. Life is not always happy, happy, joy, joy - but you can make your life a better and happier one.

From what I read of your posts.....I get the impression that your entire life revolves around your A. And believe me, I understand that completely as I've been there!!!!!!! And in the beginning, I had no idea of the things that made me happy, nor did I know even what things I enjoyed or wanted to do anymore. You see, I had completely lost myself in living around and through my AH. I'd lost myself. It took some time to rediscover myself, and I know that's not easy.
But you seem very dependant on your A for adult companionship and for everyday functioning of your life.
There is a difference in wanting to share your life with someone - versus living for someone else or around someone else.
In any relationship, even if there is not an A involved, each person must be an individual that works with the other person in order to make a relationship. Blending yourself into another person isn't making a relationship, it's simply becoming one person - a leader with a following shadow.

I realize that right now you are really struggling. But I'd take this time that he is away to really focus on yourself. Not on the A. Take some time to really think about what YOU want in your life - regardless if the A is in your life or not. Think about the things that make you happy, things you like to do, things you'd like to do someday, and where you want your life to go and the person you wish to be. And then start working on those things.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but right now, it just seems to me that you are just biding your time until your A comes home.
It's time to start living - for you and your children!!!!
So what are you doing for YOU today?

embraced2000

i, too, thought the al-anonians were aliens from another planet who acted like they chit roses and farted petunias....thought...hells fire...don't their balloons ever land????

the reason they seemed so weird for me is that they were so healthy. they were acting like most people that have found peace and serenity and were not living in the chaos and drama that i was living in. i thought they had no idea of the hell that i called my marriage and my life. i thought they were on drugs. i thought they were looney-tooneys.

it took me three times of joining them, quitting, and going back after i had a big time emotional meltdown. they welcomed me again, and again, and again....even when i was acting like such a beetch to them.....they gave me a safe place to fall.....

what a chain of events...the alcoholic finished leading me into insanity, the insanity led me to al-anon, the insanity rejected al-anon, and finally the insanity insisted upon being heard....which led me back into al-anon for my big curtain call. what a ride.

these petunia farting and rose chitin people are now so much a part of my life, and have helped me save my life.

i hated them at first and made no bones about it. hell, i hated the mailman. and the newspaper man. and the grocery clerk. i hated them all and then some. i was one pitiful, sad, miserable, brokenhearted, pissed, cranky menapausal woman.....and that was on a good day.

i remember the first time i actually laughed at something that was truly funny without being of a sadistic nature....by this time, i had developed a very sick sense of humor....and the laughter seemed so innocent. i cried all the way home from a meeting because i found innocent humor in a subject that wasn't at anyone elses expense. it was grand.

love to you
jeri

mallowcup

Interesting perspective. I had a great deal of difficulty with my husbands local bartender. I thought about speaking to her becasue she was really pissing me of. She gave advice to someone who had a problem with alcohol while serving him one more and one more and one more......and one more.

sisterray

Thank you for the advice. I do have friends. I just have not been reaching out to them. It is easier to stay home and wallow. I am in school, and do have a little group of friends? smoking buddies-they wait for me after class, email me, and we study together. I guess I need to think they are real. I just never think I deserve? Dont know what my problem is. I also have two very good friends who I have known for 20 years. I just let contact slip-they dont like Jim. I will call them today. I will get out of the house. School is only out for a couple more weeks. And I will try to find other activities. We belong to the Y and I just need to pile everyone in the car and go there.

About the bartending, I have a lot of guilt about that. I did a lot of listening while I poured more and more drinks. It was my job, and I would have gotten in trouble for refusing to serve anyone unless they were too plowed to walk. But I did what I could. I quietly told wives their husbands were there, even if they said not to tell. I figured I owed that much. I did water down drinks as much as I could without being noticed if things were getting bad. I called their wives if they were too drunk to drive (yes after I poured the drinks). I drove them home. I took their keys. I called the cops a few times when they insisted on driving (could have lost my job-big no no). But I did still keep pouring. At the time, I had three kids to support, and no job skills. Bartending pays a lot more than waitressing. And the people are what finally made me quit, because I didnt like pouring the drinks and watching so many lives go down the tubes.

Thank you again-everyone-your are very wise, I am going to take this time for us. And sorry about picking on al anon. I will be going again saturday and I went last saturday.

Lori

embraced2000

hey lori....guess what sweetie???? on here, you don't have to apologize. (smile)

because, you know what???? THIS IS YOUR HOME. and it is your safe place to be and to share.

one of my symptoms from living with the effects of alcoholsim, is that i apologized CONSTANTLY to everyone and anyone. it had become such a habit for me with the alcoholic in my life. when i started upon this road to recovery, i was snarlin mean.....grabbing verbal arrows outta a imaginary bag from over my shoulder and hurling verbal insults and sarcasms to anyone or anything that made eye contact with me.

then i went into shutdown.....couldn't even feel anger anymore. just nothingness. that was a very scary place. when i started into recovery....and i'm a very new person to recovery....i've been in al-anon for two years +, but i'm a real hard learner....a hard nut to crack, so to speak.....anyway, started into recovery by reaching out just like you are doing, and pushing off the bottom of the ocean floor, i started apologizing all over the place....just like i did when i was with xah....guess i thought if i apologized after everything i said, every thought i had, every opinion i had, then i would cover all the bases with his ranting and raging.

this is long, but seeing your apologies tugged at my heart strings.....i so understand where you are....as do all of us.

love to you
jeri

sisterray

Thank you. I like it here. Lori