Emotion Overload
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Emotion Overload
Havent been over here in sometime.
Short version..my dads drinking has always affected me, my mom spent much of my childhood mentally ill, while dad was away drinking and I was mommy to my young brother.
Ok, Im grown now, in recovery for codependency and my mom has in the last several months started a recovery program and just started saying to me that my dad.."she thinks he may be alcoholic".
Right.
So, now, in true manipulator form, my dad has now begun attempting to drive a wedge between mom and I. Getting angry about us talking, spending time together, etc. Hes rather into using me as a pawn as well. For example..my mom will say to me that she told my dad his drinking was affecting her, his response is..I dont have a problem. So, the next day, my dad will call me and bring the convo up and start telling me the reason he drinks is only bc of his blood sugar problem and how he will be cutting back.
He only says this to me, in hopes that I will pass this info to my mom.
WTF. You are married to her, you f-in tell her that.
I never do tell her and tell him its a convo for he and mother. Not he and me.
He used to do this to me as a kid and it sets off this rage in me.
OK, so..I just wanted to vent. Im irritated about this and while I KNOW I do nothave to choose, I feel like they both want me to.
Short version..my dads drinking has always affected me, my mom spent much of my childhood mentally ill, while dad was away drinking and I was mommy to my young brother.
Ok, Im grown now, in recovery for codependency and my mom has in the last several months started a recovery program and just started saying to me that my dad.."she thinks he may be alcoholic".
Right.
So, now, in true manipulator form, my dad has now begun attempting to drive a wedge between mom and I. Getting angry about us talking, spending time together, etc. Hes rather into using me as a pawn as well. For example..my mom will say to me that she told my dad his drinking was affecting her, his response is..I dont have a problem. So, the next day, my dad will call me and bring the convo up and start telling me the reason he drinks is only bc of his blood sugar problem and how he will be cutting back.
He only says this to me, in hopes that I will pass this info to my mom.
WTF. You are married to her, you f-in tell her that.
I never do tell her and tell him its a convo for he and mother. Not he and me.
He used to do this to me as a kid and it sets off this rage in me.
OK, so..I just wanted to vent. Im irritated about this and while I KNOW I do nothave to choose, I feel like they both want me to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I'm glad you are back but sorry for the need. It seems you know what you need to do in order to remove yourself from the chaos. When I am beginning to hear news about another I try to change the subject politely or express the idea that the topic is off limits. If that doesn't work then I remove myself from the scene. Eventually some do get the idea straight that I am not there for them to share with me things I do not want to hear.
I wish you the wisdom and strength you need to deal with this.
I'm glad you are back but sorry for the need. It seems you know what you need to do in order to remove yourself from the chaos. When I am beginning to hear news about another I try to change the subject politely or express the idea that the topic is off limits. If that doesn't work then I remove myself from the scene. Eventually some do get the idea straight that I am not there for them to share with me things I do not want to hear.
I wish you the wisdom and strength you need to deal with this.
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I think you are right cmc.
I think its a classic case of boundry violation. I have told them both, I dont care to hear about the issues amongst them and I am their daughter, not the sounding board or their marriage counselor. I didnt ask why hes drinking so much, so there is no need for him to give me the blood sugar story. Im too close to the situation to be objective (or so I say) and its not a healthy place for me to be, to listen to both sides of thier 'dilemnas'. I have my own.
Mom is really good about not bringing it up anymore.
Dad, not so much..I think he feels threatened by my moms recovery and he knows about mine, so automatically assumes my recovery has something to do with my moms new found detachment, boundries, and other tools.
In all honesty, my mothers actions were far more negative on me as a child than his. But now, I just dont even want to speak with him. Hes so manipulative and such a user. He will say anything to get out of doing what he doesnt want to do, and say anything to get his way. Hes a King Baby.
Im going to read a bit and make some dinner...but maybe I will have some more thoughts later tonight.
I think its a classic case of boundry violation. I have told them both, I dont care to hear about the issues amongst them and I am their daughter, not the sounding board or their marriage counselor. I didnt ask why hes drinking so much, so there is no need for him to give me the blood sugar story. Im too close to the situation to be objective (or so I say) and its not a healthy place for me to be, to listen to both sides of thier 'dilemnas'. I have my own.
Mom is really good about not bringing it up anymore.
Dad, not so much..I think he feels threatened by my moms recovery and he knows about mine, so automatically assumes my recovery has something to do with my moms new found detachment, boundries, and other tools.
In all honesty, my mothers actions were far more negative on me as a child than his. But now, I just dont even want to speak with him. Hes so manipulative and such a user. He will say anything to get out of doing what he doesnt want to do, and say anything to get his way. Hes a King Baby.
Im going to read a bit and make some dinner...but maybe I will have some more thoughts later tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Elizabeth1979, and welcome back to our little corner of recovery
My alcoholic folks used to do that too, try to get me to be the "marriage counselor" for their problems. I got into the habit as a kid, living in their "toxic family". I didn't know any other way to survive, so I became the only adult in a family of emotionally challenged grown-ups.
At the time I thought I was keeping the family together, and I guess in a way I was. I also thought that I had to keep my emotional cool at all times, cuz if _I_ lost it the way _they_ lost it there was no telling what would happen.
Once I grew up an put some physical distance between us all the fear and terror that I had pushed down as a kid came gushing out. I realized that as a kid I was _not_ trying to keep my emotional cool, I was trying not to fall apart out of fear. 'course, I have a whole childhood of brainwashing to help me not feel the fear, so what I do feel instead is anger.
It took me a couple good shrinks and some 12 step work to figure all that out. Then I took some time to build up my self-esteem to where I felt sufficiently "un-guilty" to start avoiding their phone calls, and later on actually say "no" to their requests. Eventually I told them that if they wanted me to be their marriage counselor they would have to pay me 150 bucks an hour just like a real therapist would.
When I stopped responding to their manipulative attempts _I_ started feeling a whole lot better. I learned that I was able to defend myself from them, and with that ability I lost my fear of them, and then the anger just vanished.
I also "vented" a lot with a broomstick into an old pillow
Mike
My alcoholic folks used to do that too, try to get me to be the "marriage counselor" for their problems. I got into the habit as a kid, living in their "toxic family". I didn't know any other way to survive, so I became the only adult in a family of emotionally challenged grown-ups.
At the time I thought I was keeping the family together, and I guess in a way I was. I also thought that I had to keep my emotional cool at all times, cuz if _I_ lost it the way _they_ lost it there was no telling what would happen.
Once I grew up an put some physical distance between us all the fear and terror that I had pushed down as a kid came gushing out. I realized that as a kid I was _not_ trying to keep my emotional cool, I was trying not to fall apart out of fear. 'course, I have a whole childhood of brainwashing to help me not feel the fear, so what I do feel instead is anger.
It took me a couple good shrinks and some 12 step work to figure all that out. Then I took some time to build up my self-esteem to where I felt sufficiently "un-guilty" to start avoiding their phone calls, and later on actually say "no" to their requests. Eventually I told them that if they wanted me to be their marriage counselor they would have to pay me 150 bucks an hour just like a real therapist would.
When I stopped responding to their manipulative attempts _I_ started feeling a whole lot better. I learned that I was able to defend myself from them, and with that ability I lost my fear of them, and then the anger just vanished.
I also "vented" a lot with a broomstick into an old pillow
Mike
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
