lilac

AH called me both days this weekend (obviously drunk or drinking).......Tells me he "loves me". This is something I very seldom heard when I was living at the house. He has no clue, but then I have no guts to keep talking to him.

What am I afraid of? Feeling guilty that I've "given up" on my marriage, or the "dream" I had. I don't know.

He has a cold, so he was whining about how he felt. Me, being a big idiot, offered to go get some soup or cold medicine if needed. Thank God he said NO.

I guess I don't want to be mean to him.

I also feel so vulnerable right now and miss my mother terribly (she died in Aug.) So sad. Bad when you take a xanax and still feel low.

I am planning on going to my first al-anon meeting this week.

Cynay

Glad to hear you are going to try Al-anon, they say to try at least 6 different meetings before you decide if its for you or not. For me there is nothing better then the face to face support you find there.

I think its normal for a codi to feel guilty... If we did not feel guilt and want to enable our A's we would not be Codi and in this situation right? Maybe start by not being available all the time? Just dont pick up the phone. But dont get too hard on yourself, its a learning process.... we did not get here overnight so the fix will not happen that quick either.

Sorry about your Mom, I miss my Mom too

reader

lilac, I would not feel to guilty. When we have loved someone regardless of the circumstances it isn't always easy to turn our feelings off like a switch. We our only human. You love him though you know he is not good for u right now. We can love and yet not be in love with someone. Progress not perfection! We all need to hear we our loved. I hate to be negative but he may be trying to reel u back in. Just my opinion now, but I am sure he loves u. I have been reading all your posts and u certainly are smart and lovable!!!!

embraced2000

hi lilac

it is so difficult.....i understand. so does everyone else here.

and you're right....we don't want to be mean to them. it took me a long, long time in al-anon before i understood that detachment was not defined by being cold and indifferent to them.

one time, i thought i was detaching by buying him all the kinds of food that he hated....see, he was broke, hungry, living apart from me.........i didn't want him to starve, so i bought him crappy food....in my mind, i had done the right thing. so what if it was crappy.....at least it was nourishment. hell, why didn't i just go get him fixed up with a nasal feeding tube and feed him that way????? like eating was the most important thing in the hellish nightmare i was living in. he must eat. eat. he must. gotta eat.

i was obsessed...and very very sick with the effects of living with alcoholism

good luck
hugs to you
jeri

an'ka

Like Jeri and many, many others, I'm also slowly learning that detachment is not about being cold and talking to AH like a zombie. It's hard, though, because I feel that if I act and talk like my usual self, he will take it as a sign that things are improving between us and he's "growing" on me, you know what I mean? Why does it have to be so difficult? But yes, despite my kicking and sreaming (internal, not actual) I don't want to be mean to him. I understand that he is suffering also, especially now that he is trying to recover. I am already thinking about Christmas, whether it's a good idea to invite him or not. I hate the idea of ANYONE being alone for Christman, much less someone I love.

lilac

Thank you all, so much. Your insight and honesty is appreciated.

Zoey

an'ka, maybe he needs to be alone?? to think. Inviting him will give a wrong message don't you think? Just my thought.
I know it is so hard and I am sorry you have to go through this. ((HUGS))