penny

My husband was the one that introduced me to cocaine and then crack and now prescription pills. Recently we had a threesome with our drug dealer because we ran out of money. I feel so ashamed because I've never been with another man other than my husband for 11 years. I keep getting flashbacks even when I'm talking to other people and nightmares that people know and think less of me. I keep taking prescription pills to make me forget but I know that suicidal thoughts are going to win. I don't want to use excuses and feeling sorry for myself for my own actions but it just hurts so much that some days I can't even function. How do I go on? Thank you for listening.
Nothing to live for,
Penny

Sugah

Sweetie, there is nothing that you've done that many of us can't relate to. It gets better, but the only way for that to happen is for you to stay with us and begin at the beginning.

If you want to live a better life, the pills need to go first. Then, the other wreckage can be dealt with. But first thing's first. Ever go to a meeting? NA or AA? You'll find people there just like you. My only caution is that the details aren't necessary to share in a meeting. We share in a "general way." You say you have a problem, hands will reach out to help you.

I'll say a prayer for you, Penny.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Anna

Penny, guilt and shame go hand-in-hand with addiction. Many of us, me included, have done things we are ashamed of, while we are using. Coming to terms with those issues is very hard. But, all you can do is move forward. Get sober and move forward on the journey of recovery. We're here to offer support.

penny

It brings tears to my eyes that you are here to support me! Thanks!

Anna

Penny, we're all here to help each other and to help ourselves.

We're on this journey together!

penny

I did go into rehab for awhile years ago and I don't trust the people in the meetings for the fact while I was in a young girl got kicked out and come to find out she came to my house to my husband and I found some of her clothes hidden behind my wash machine. So I prefer not to go to meetings.

SarahOfTheShot

Oh the guilt, in my brief periods of something that somewhat resembled sobriety in the past....I've gone through some agonizing guilt trips. It's so horrible. However, guilt and shame is not picking on you alone. I think it must be part of this whole thing. I've only been on this site for one day and I see a really supportive group of people here, you may find that you aren't the only one who has had some pretty rough experiences becuase of using, I know I certainly have done some things I would NEVER do if I was sober.

TamTam

ME TOO!

Welcome to SR, Penny. Please come back often.

chicago

your post has been very humbling. yeah ive definitely done some things im not proud of. never tried crack (thank God) but i struggled with heroin addiction. found myself stealing from my parents (hello 9th step). the suggestions told to me were get a sponser, work steps, and go to meetings. first things first with you though and that would be detoxing. i walked 4 miles dope sick to a public detox only to kick heroin sitting in a chair followed by 8 months at a recovery house. Alas my life is better!! God will give you directions...all you gotta do is drive the car.

crazymarble

I just joined this forum Penny. My boyfriend introduced me to cocaine several years ago, I've been a heavy user for about a year. We've all done things we regret because of our addictions. I have a little girl and I used to drive around high with her in the car all the time. Hell, I used in parking lots before I got her out the car and went into stores. I was always high. I regret putting her at risk. The point is: we've all gone places we didn't want or expect when we've chased our high.Mabye the fact that you can't get this out of your head is a good way to get more serious about recovery. Mistakes happen, don't keep replaying the movie in your head. What's done is done and you can't change that. It's okay.

hope3

Penny, I couldn't agree more with what has been said, we have all done things that we can't believe. Hang in there Penny, glad you reached out. Keep reading and sharing.

c'est la vie

Welcome to SR, Penny. You are surrounded by people here who can relate to your feelings and are not here to harm you in any way. Please take care of yourself regardless of what action your husband decides. I would suggest seeing a doctor and getting yourself detoxed immediately so you can begin to heal physically and emotionally.

laurience

I am sorry you are in soooo much pain. I totally relate to shame and embarrassement related to my addiction. Just remember, it wasn't the real you doing those actions o.k. Also, if you decide to stay clean you will always decide your life with a clear mind.
A big comfort hug to you. Don't be yourself up, it will make you want to use that much more.
Joanne

michski

Hi Penny, Good to see you here and I hope you'll stick around. You'll feel a whole lot better about yourself when you completely clean up from drugs etc. It's just impossible to move on towards a life worth living when you've been either high or down on pills for so long that you can't remember who you are clean and sober.
Give it a chance, it's one decision you'll never regret.