Newbie needs advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: burlinton vermont
Posts: 11
snowy
I never posted a reply before, but I can tell you this, as much as you love your sister you can't fix her. She has to come to the realization thats she wants to get better herself, I know its difficult and you may loose her in the mean time ,but you can not help her unless she really wants help all you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she wants help but you have a life of your own that you need to deal with. and that you'll be there for only if she really wants to get sober
I never posted a reply before, but I can tell you this, as much as you love your sister you can't fix her. She has to come to the realization thats she wants to get better herself, I know its difficult and you may loose her in the mean time ,but you can not help her unless she really wants help all you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she wants help but you have a life of your own that you need to deal with. and that you'll be there for only if she really wants to get sober
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
snowy, Welcome to SR, this is a great place.
Just act normal, not sad as that causes guilt in some, or anger. We just never know. Just have to play it by ear. If she mentions it, then encourage her to get a sponsor so she has someone to talk to that really understands.
Seldom can any family member help. Always exceptions.
Read the stickey's at the top of where you posted. Find some of the books suggested, like "Getting them Sober"
Sat and Sun are sometimes very quiet, but others will be along to share.
Keep comeing back.
Just act normal, not sad as that causes guilt in some, or anger. We just never know. Just have to play it by ear. If she mentions it, then encourage her to get a sponsor so she has someone to talk to that really understands.
Seldom can any family member help. Always exceptions.
Read the stickey's at the top of where you posted. Find some of the books suggested, like "Getting them Sober"
Sat and Sun are sometimes very quiet, but others will be along to share.
Keep comeing back.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR! There is alot of valuable information in the site. I hope you will read the "Stickies" at the top of the forums. You will learn alot about enabling, codependancy, and much much more.
I believe that Alanon may be a great tool for you as well. It is a support group for those that love an alcoholic and you can find great support there.
I believe that Alanon may be a great tool for you as well. It is a support group for those that love an alcoholic and you can find great support there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
As frustrating as it is, there are no particular words you can say to your sister that will make her wake up and see the light. Addiction is all-powerful unless the addict decides that getting sober is worth more than anything else. She has the best chance if she gets a sponsor and sticks with a progam. Without that, I'm afraid she'll just go back to her old lifestyle.
My AH went through three detox/rehabs and never got a sponsor. Same conclusion each time: he went back to the bottle. I gave up talking about his drinking to him after he became so defensive and hostile. A lot of addicts will go to any lengths to protect their addiction.
I think you have been supportive, as has the rest of your family. All you can do is let her make the choice as to whether or not she wants to get better or relapse.
My AH went through three detox/rehabs and never got a sponsor. Same conclusion each time: he went back to the bottle. I gave up talking about his drinking to him after he became so defensive and hostile. A lot of addicts will go to any lengths to protect their addiction.
I think you have been supportive, as has the rest of your family. All you can do is let her make the choice as to whether or not she wants to get better or relapse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
So sorry about your sister. Believe it or not I can glean some positivity out of this "terrible for you" situation. The fact that she told you she is an alcoholic means a sizable chunk of her denial has been broken down. Denial in addiction is one of the most formidable obstacles to recovery. My AW still vehemently denies EVEN drinking at all. She invents excellent "on the fly" rationalizations, excuses, lies, intellectualizations. My aw has not yet injured herself AS BADLY as your sister but she very well may in time. Her liver and brain cells are paying the price as we speak. Amazingly alcoholics are often able to conceal the addiction and one of the last bridges to fall is the job. Eventuall it catches up with them even at work. The "monkey on their back" gets too heavy.
Before I educated myself about addiction I too was very worried about the safety of my aw. I tried to protect her and show kindness 24/7. That only made her mad and enabled her drinking. What she really wanted was a place to live with nice amenities and a blank check to fund the bar tab for her and her new friends. She spoke of moving into public housing. A place known to me to have many very bad people; ex felons, drug dealers, addicts/alcoholics, etc. I learned that I cannot control her behavior lest she gets sober. An intervention failed as she didn't show up.
Sadly it is the painful negative consequences that can motivate them to decide to really quit.
I know you and your family want to protect her and help her. This is a normal response for the uninitiated. Doing this only prolongs her suffering. There is no shame to share this with your family. Please make sure your family learns about addiction and how to cope. In simple terms coping with an overt addict is coping with insanity, not an easy thing to do. Books to give you insight include "I'll quit tomorrow", Vernon Johnson, Love First, Jeff Jay
My heart goes out to your family and your sister
Before I educated myself about addiction I too was very worried about the safety of my aw. I tried to protect her and show kindness 24/7. That only made her mad and enabled her drinking. What she really wanted was a place to live with nice amenities and a blank check to fund the bar tab for her and her new friends. She spoke of moving into public housing. A place known to me to have many very bad people; ex felons, drug dealers, addicts/alcoholics, etc. I learned that I cannot control her behavior lest she gets sober. An intervention failed as she didn't show up.
Sadly it is the painful negative consequences that can motivate them to decide to really quit.
I know you and your family want to protect her and help her. This is a normal response for the uninitiated. Doing this only prolongs her suffering. There is no shame to share this with your family. Please make sure your family learns about addiction and how to cope. In simple terms coping with an overt addict is coping with insanity, not an easy thing to do. Books to give you insight include "I'll quit tomorrow", Vernon Johnson, Love First, Jeff Jay
My heart goes out to your family and your sister
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I so sorry for you and your family. Your Sister is lost in her addiction, and only she can find her way home.
I would share with your family your news on your sister, they have a right to know. But they should know that they can't help her too.
I would share with your family your news on your sister, they have a right to know. But they should know that they can't help her too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((snowy)))
I've read your post several times now, and something that seems to keep hitting me is your sister does seem to have some underlying problems - the cutting, the behavior on important dates for YOU (bridal shower, birthday, wedding), etc.
I am not a professional, but could it be possible the drinking is secondary to a psychological condition? Has your sister been in therapy outside of alcohol treatment?
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, and I agree with the others that you should involve your family and not carry the load yourself. Your sister has reached out for help and I'm not always convinced that the let go and let them sink applies in every case.
Please keep posting and take care of you first and foremost.
I've read your post several times now, and something that seems to keep hitting me is your sister does seem to have some underlying problems - the cutting, the behavior on important dates for YOU (bridal shower, birthday, wedding), etc.
I am not a professional, but could it be possible the drinking is secondary to a psychological condition? Has your sister been in therapy outside of alcohol treatment?
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, and I agree with the others that you should involve your family and not carry the load yourself. Your sister has reached out for help and I'm not always convinced that the let go and let them sink applies in every case.
Please keep posting and take care of you first and foremost.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Evening, Snowy. You know, while you're focusing on your sister's problem--one that she obviously isn't ready to let go of, you're not able to focus on building a relationship with your new husband. That should be your first priority.
You can't help your sister get better. She has to be ready and willing to do the work.
It's very painful to watch someone you love destroy their lives. Alanon can help you learn that you can love your sister, but you don't have to sit back and watch the show.
If you haven't checked out a meeting in your area, now would be the perfect time.
Welcome to the forum.
You can't help your sister get better. She has to be ready and willing to do the work.
It's very painful to watch someone you love destroy their lives. Alanon can help you learn that you can love your sister, but you don't have to sit back and watch the show.
If you haven't checked out a meeting in your area, now would be the perfect time.
Welcome to the forum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by snowy334 
She has been seeing a Phychiatrist(sp?) here and there, not very often though that I know of. She is also on some sort of anti-depressant, I can't remember the name. When she went to the hospital this summer to have her cuts treated she was admitted to phych for 2 days and was given a Phychiatrist.
I don't know if I really totally understand what is going on with her. When I talk to her a lot of the time she is very sad, she says she doesn't know why she feels this way, she doesn't know what is wrong with her.
I am trying really really hard to hear all of your advice, but it is so hard.
I read something on the sticky's about not believing promises, and it makes me so sad. On Friday she was telling me that she knew that she needed to get a Sponsor. That she was going to get one by Monday, at least a temporary one no matter what. At the time I was lifted, felt better. But now I wonder if it was just empty promises to make me feel better.
I talked to her last night around 10:30 pm, she was with 2 of her friends, she said that none of them were drinking, she wasn't either. But can I believe her?
My phone rang at 2:20 am last night and I didn't answer, too tired.
I haven't talked to her today, or called her today becuase I am afraid....
:''(
I don't know if I really totally understand what is going on with her. When I talk to her a lot of the time she is very sad, she says she doesn't know why she feels this way, she doesn't know what is wrong with her.
I am trying really really hard to hear all of your advice, but it is so hard.
I read something on the sticky's about not believing promises, and it makes me so sad. On Friday she was telling me that she knew that she needed to get a Sponsor. That she was going to get one by Monday, at least a temporary one no matter what. At the time I was lifted, felt better. But now I wonder if it was just empty promises to make me feel better.
I talked to her last night around 10:30 pm, she was with 2 of her friends, she said that none of them were drinking, she wasn't either. But can I believe her?
My phone rang at 2:20 am last night and I didn't answer, too tired.
I haven't talked to her today, or called her today becuase I am afraid....
:''(
Unfortunately lying is almost automatic for addicts, though it is possible she wasn't drinking at that time.
With her permission given to the psych doctor, you/family may wish to inquire more about other problems. there is a difference between "cutting" and cutting a blood vessel as in attempting suicide. The psychiatrist/psychologist is the one best suited to explain those things.
Learn not to be angry at her. She is not at the steering wheel, addiction is. She does not intentionally do things to hurt you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
God bless you all. Let it be known I DIDN'T know or understand that prior to going through my own personal hell and back. That was not spontaneous insight but something learned through trial and tribulation. Anyone can learn it but I pray they don't need to go through what I did to get there.
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