i need advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: niagara falls, ontario
Posts: 173
i need advice please
my partner and the father of my baby has been clean for over 17 months. i guess i expected so much more. i don't think he 's really done the steps of aa, he's very insecure, angry, in denial and i'm wayyy to co-dependant i am the main financial supportor while he dillie dallies around most of the day. i'm feel angry and frusrtated and he's also not good with the truth. he's emotionally immature and fincianly immature and very defensive.. i'm a strong independant woman, so we but heads everyday because i say it the way i see it.. can anyone help me?? did he stop maturing when he started drinking??
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
Alcohol/drug abuse will most definityely stunt emotional development and could be retarding your SO's maturity. It sounds as though he is simply "sober" which is not the same thing as recovery.
Recovery requires that the 12 steps be worked in order to get to the root of the issues that make him feel inadequate and have the compulsion to drink or use drugs. Having you each see a therapist can help. The compulsion is driven by some deeply rooted lack of sense of self coupled with the genetic predisposition to become addicted.
Hopefully he can be encouraged to try to attend AA and obtain a sponsor who would be able to talk about his deep seeded issues and compulsions and help him proceed with the 12 step program. This is where a therapist can be helpful in order to encourage attendance at AA. Unfortunately, unless he sees or understands the need to do this, it's unlikely that we will go or take the program seriolusly.
I would highly recommend that you start going to Al-anon which will help you focus on you and your recovery. Those of us who love and live with addicts can become sick as well. Your mention of being co-dependent is a clear indication of your sickness. Believe me, I'm co-dependent as well having lived with an alcoholic wife for over 20 years who was actively drinking and addicted to prescription drugs for over 7 years. She is newly sober and working her recovery. So am I.
Al-anon is very helpful with understanding what you can control and what your cannot. As a co-dependent, it is not easy to see how you are trying to change or control something you cannot. We are powerless.
The best thing that you can do is encourage him to find his path to recovery, detatch from his insane behavior, focus on you so that you can take care of your baby.
What is hard is recognizing that what you want and desire in your relationship is somewhat out of your hands. You have to worry about you, love him, and hope that he does what he needs to do. You then need to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to get with the program. Ideally, he will do what he needs to do but you have to be prepared that he might not. Then decide if you can live with this for the long haul.
I hate to sound negative but this is the reality of living with an alcoholic. Some people can go the distance and others cannot. For myself, I'm still trying to decide.
Recovery requires that the 12 steps be worked in order to get to the root of the issues that make him feel inadequate and have the compulsion to drink or use drugs. Having you each see a therapist can help. The compulsion is driven by some deeply rooted lack of sense of self coupled with the genetic predisposition to become addicted.
Hopefully he can be encouraged to try to attend AA and obtain a sponsor who would be able to talk about his deep seeded issues and compulsions and help him proceed with the 12 step program. This is where a therapist can be helpful in order to encourage attendance at AA. Unfortunately, unless he sees or understands the need to do this, it's unlikely that we will go or take the program seriolusly.
I would highly recommend that you start going to Al-anon which will help you focus on you and your recovery. Those of us who love and live with addicts can become sick as well. Your mention of being co-dependent is a clear indication of your sickness. Believe me, I'm co-dependent as well having lived with an alcoholic wife for over 20 years who was actively drinking and addicted to prescription drugs for over 7 years. She is newly sober and working her recovery. So am I.
Al-anon is very helpful with understanding what you can control and what your cannot. As a co-dependent, it is not easy to see how you are trying to change or control something you cannot. We are powerless.
The best thing that you can do is encourage him to find his path to recovery, detatch from his insane behavior, focus on you so that you can take care of your baby.
What is hard is recognizing that what you want and desire in your relationship is somewhat out of your hands. You have to worry about you, love him, and hope that he does what he needs to do. You then need to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to get with the program. Ideally, he will do what he needs to do but you have to be prepared that he might not. Then decide if you can live with this for the long haul.
I hate to sound negative but this is the reality of living with an alcoholic. Some people can go the distance and others cannot. For myself, I'm still trying to decide.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to our forum.
I can't really answer your questions about your partner's behavior. What I can recommend for you is to attend some Alanon meetings to enable you to sort out how YOU will respond to his behavior. You might want to read the stickys on this page about codependency. Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty is an excellent book to read. I cannot control another's use or immature behavior. The only thing I can really control is myself and I set boundaries that I can keep in place when the other person's behavior is harmful to me or my family.
Keep coming around. Many here have felt the same as you and will share how it was for them, what they did and how it is now in their 'anon' in recovery.
I can't really answer your questions about your partner's behavior. What I can recommend for you is to attend some Alanon meetings to enable you to sort out how YOU will respond to his behavior. You might want to read the stickys on this page about codependency. Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty is an excellent book to read. I cannot control another's use or immature behavior. The only thing I can really control is myself and I set boundaries that I can keep in place when the other person's behavior is harmful to me or my family.
Keep coming around. Many here have felt the same as you and will share how it was for them, what they did and how it is now in their 'anon' in recovery.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Welcome! Glad you found this site, cuz it is so helpful.
Do you think he could establish some responsibilities in anything? Start simply and help him develop some skills? May help w/ his self esteem and certainly if he is dillydallying he may have some time.
Take care of yourself in all of it....
Do you think he could establish some responsibilities in anything? Start simply and help him develop some skills? May help w/ his self esteem and certainly if he is dillydallying he may have some time.
Take care of yourself in all of it....
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Emotional maturity stops development when drinking begins. It only resumes when reocvery begins, recovery is NOT the abstaining from drinking, its when the change process is actively worked.
If he is not working the program of AA, tho not drinking, he is likely to remain just as immature, irresponsible and angry as always. This is called dry drunk syndrome.
We, the codies, tend to make it worse with our behaviors. Those behavoirs dont change until we change. For me that means I need to work a program of recovery. And I do. Have you begun al anon yet?
If he is not working the program of AA, tho not drinking, he is likely to remain just as immature, irresponsible and angry as always. This is called dry drunk syndrome.
We, the codies, tend to make it worse with our behaviors. Those behavoirs dont change until we change. For me that means I need to work a program of recovery. And I do. Have you begun al anon yet?
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