CatsTail

I've been thinking about the importance of having self-esteem.

If I have self-esteem:

I'm empowered to make good choices for myself in my.

I'm not a victim.

I will attract healthy people and be attracted to healthy people.

I will not be swayed by an unhealthy persons machinations and manipulations.

I will be able to spot those red flags immediately.

I will be able to say no this isn't good for me right away instead of waiting years.

I will respect myself and my needs.

I will feel okay to be alone.

I will not have my head swayed by the first jerk who pays attention to me so I can sift through the rubble to find a non-jerk.

Hooks will drop in front of me and I won't pick them up.

I will be able to know,feel in my heart that I am worthy and deserve a worthy person in my life.

Ngaire

deax

Thanks, ngaire. I've been working really hard on these three in particular.

It's odd when you know something, but yet still can't recognize the times you need to put what you know to work. Yesterday in therapy I was complaining and moaning about how hard the next few months are going to be for me career-wise, financially, emotionally, socially, etc. I was being the total victim without even realizing it. I AM in a bad spot and thought that would be abundantly clear to any listener, lol... She told me- you have been coming to therapy, going to meditation, and going to Al Anon long enough that you should be putting all of the tools in your arsenal to work now, instead of sitting here worrying in advance and having a pity party. And she's right. It's SO easy to fall back into old ways of thinking/behaving, especially when those behaviors are rooted in our self-esteem, which is such a firmly engrained part of us and everything we do. So thanks for the reminder.

mazey

Yes, Deax..hard to put it to work. I am so glad to have healthy people in my life, former close friends that I had put on the back burner while I was w/ my A. Thank God, they still are close friends...Helps so much!

FriendofBill

Heres how to get self-esteem.

Do esteemable things. Simple as that. Help others, care for your body, mind, soul. Practice honesty, stop manipulation, develop your talents, become self supporting...

and all the esteem in the world will be yours.

at least thats how its working for me

WantsOut

How do you know if your choices are good?

I ask because since I broke up with my AH he has been promoted twice, makes more money than ever, has a new boat, and is spending this weekend with his college girlfriend.

I, otoh, was fired a month ago "for business reasons", can't find a new job, had to take a loan out on my house to get by for the next few months, and will be alone this weekend. I made choices that seemed good - don't stay with the alcoholic man. So why are my results so awful? Why is my life a mess? I'm broke. I'm bored. I don't know what's going to happen to me. And I'm lonely. I have my son but he's going away to college next year and is always busy with his own friends (as he should be).

I feel pretty low on the self-esteem pole right now.

FriendofBill

Did you think that just because you left, your life would all of a sudden become wonderful?

If so, may I suggest the problem never layed within him, but yourself?

We are each responsible for every direction our lives go, based upon our taking responsbility, choices, hard work to change.

I guess what Im trying to say is self esteem wont come to you and fix your problems, you have to work at it to gain it. Then, I think you may find some wonderful results. Ever try al anon?

CatsTail

Hi,

Since I left my ex A two months ago, I lost my job had to go on welfare for the time being to make ends meet, have gone into a depression just had my meds upped. BUT on the bright side I've been going to many A.A meetings a week am writing a big fourth step inventory and focussing on myself as much as possible. Life isn't a bowl of cherries right now but it's life.

Ngaire

embraced2000

happy thanksgiving ngaire!!!!

i understand how tough it is.....think of it like this.....you have made tremendous progress by waking up from the "alcohol-induced marriage coma " that we find ourselves in by living with an active alcoholic.

that was a huge step. making the decision to do something about your life....that was super huge. following through with that decison was mega huge.

and the chaos is gone from your life. you never have to deal with that again.

look at what you have accomplished so far!!!! just making the break for us codies is so huge.....so, so, so, huge. and you did it.

now, you are in control of your life, and with a little financial assistance from agencies, the support of your al-anon family, and the most importantly, the strength of your higher power,,,,,,,you can reshape and mold your life into the kind of life you truly want to have.

march on, ngaire, march on.....you're doing so great!!!!
one day at a time.

luv to you
jeri

SueMdouble

thanks for this thread. It's really where I am at right now. My husband left in July to move in with his new girlfriend. We had been married 27 years. Our marriage has been a desert for a long time, so in my heart I know this is good for me. By going to Alanon and AA, I have learned to make healthy choices for myself even though it's probably the last thing that I would think of doing myself. My natural reaction to life is to hibernate, isolate and medicate. I'm still sober, I have great friends who have been there, and although I sometimes have really bad days I'm trying to think of myself and my recovery first. This has been even harder than quitting drinking. My self-esteem is a very small fragile bud just starting to peek out of the dirt, but it continues to grow one day at a time.

Last night I went to a club with my brother who is here for the holidays. Coincidentally his wife left him this summer too. He is a professed A but stoppped going to meetings and is back to drinking. Almost immediately after his wife left him he got into a relationship with a beautiful woman who is also an A who recently slipped after 6 years in the program. It is all very complicated and messy and I couldn't help thinking to myself, there for the grace of god go I. This is not what I want in my life. I miss having a man in my bed, but if it happens again, it will not be me stepping on that same sick merry-go-round. Self-esteem (and the program) will teach me what to do when and if the time comes. In the meantime, I want to return to the painting I loved when I was younger, and live a healthy life.

take care, sue