emz282

well kids are at his mums for the night and i thought ok me time! anyway i drank 5 bottles of wine ....on my own! and i just woke up thanking god i didnt ring anyone to tell them what i (really) think of them.......thanking god he was at work so i had no access to the car basically because i have no control over my actions and WOULD have driven it....thanking god nobody knocked on the door and were subjected to my drunken rants...and feeling sorry for myself that they didnt!(people are starting to know my drinking hour now!) i had a coffee threw it up and then looked into the mirror .......end of story....what am i becoming? all this heartache and misery,guilt just crap feelings all the time for what??
a fuzzy feeling....whats so special about that? my skins awful my hair needs a blowdry ive spent all my money on cigs and booze so im broke.......for what??? this is stupid! ridiculus behaviour........i dont know myself anymore

zoomer3333

While I don't speak your language, I understand what you are saying. Read mine please.

I wake up wanting to only drink and hang out watching some shows and posting/talking to some friends.

The end of my work day comes and I throw down 3-4 beers before I start said activities.

I wake the next morning and don't remember a thing about all I was looking forward to aside from the drinking part. That is the worst part for me. My memory is gone the next day. That is my primary for abuse, but I'd just like to remember the good and not the bad.

Doesn't work that way.

Keep posting about things. I need to read all I can.

Lollipop

Emz,
I can so relate to what your saying. I remember (not that long ago) the day I woke up after a really steep drunken night and looked in the mirror......hair a mess, eyes bloodshot, face all puffy and pale........I thought at first that I was seeing things.....I wasnt looking at me! I was looking at some older woman who seriously had led a rough life......nope.....it WAS me!!! I threw up, found the aspirin and some water and went back to bed praying to not wake up.......I had NO clue who that person in the mirror was....and whoever she was....I didnt want to be HER!
Hours later, I woke up feeling a wee bit better but carrying the guilt of the dumb things I did the night before and made the decission that I needed to make changes.....I am not one for change btw.
Every day is a new day, I take things a minute at a time. To try to look further would be a huge mistake. This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror, my eyes are clear, my hair barely needed brushed and I feel GOOD! The old woman I saw not long ago is slowly leaving my mirror. It isnt easy and I fight every day, especially right around 3pm. my old happy hour, but I have learned so much from this site and with the awesome support I have found here, I am continuing to grow in the right direction. You can too!! Please stick around, post and read, you can find "YOU" again!
Hugs,
Liss

nelle4

Emz, I was there just three weeks ago. I posted here of my shame and guilt and promised myself that was the end of it. I now have 21 days of one day at a time. It hasn't been easy but I feel human again. Find a meeting and get to it. Hang out here and read the forums. Take care of yourself as if you're recovering from a serious illness. You can do it!

c'est la vie

Welcome to SR. Perhaps reading and posting here can help you on your way to feeling more like the YOU you remember.

emz282

hi thanks for your words of support ...i needed to hear that!
well its nearly 11pm in the uk...i have had 1 day sober!!! day 1 is over i will go have a shower and im looking forward to going to bed for once!

Lollipop

(((EMZ))))
WTG hun!!! you can do this!!!!! Stay strong!!!!
Liss

Hanzade

(((EMZ))) Don't give up, relapses can happen to anybody. You will do this, you will!! AS somebody said, take one day at a time.