Blake

Last night I went to a meeting and the topic was "unresolved issues and how friends in NA help you through" like the meditation from yest. So I shared about the whole Sarah debacle and how when she went and had an abortion behind my back, the only thing that kept me clean was leaning on other people in the fellowship and seeing other members go through stuff and not use like my friend Pam that lost her husband of 20 years to cancer.

Well I didn't get that releived feeling I usually get when I share and I had some bad dreams last night that I can't remember and I just walked to the gas station next door to get coffee and they were playing "Brick" by ben folds five....it's a story about a dude going with his girlfriend to get an abortion....and my eyes started watering while looking at the little debbie cakes.....I guess I'm not quite over the whole thing like I thought I was. I don't like feeling like this, in my head I know that I had nothing to do with it and that I shouldn't feel guilty and that I did everything I could, but I still feel horrible about it. Personally I am pro-choice, but I would never have wanted my GF to have an abortion, I was prepared to take care of that baby.

I know everything happens for a reason and it was for the best, now I have an opprotunity to live one of my long time dreams of becoming a chef, but it still hurts....and it was a full year ago....

I guess I need to call my sponsor about it and talk this through with him.

At least I didn't have to use over it back then, and I KNOW that I don't have to use over these feelings now.

Phinneas

I do get that, Blake. Your wreckage, her wreckage... it doesn't matter. It's all the same wreckage from this disease and no one wins. Cept maybe those that find real recovery.

But I still have regrets and hurts from the past that, even though I did a lot of grieving already, still sting when I think of them. Time does help... but sometimes it takes a lot of time.

Hang in there, Blake, and know it's OK to feel. You're doing what needs to be done right here, right now.

Blake

Thanks yall. (and congrats on the 6 months! That's awesome!!!)

It feels good to get this out, I was pretty shaken up at that gas station and I'm feeling better just having it out there.

I am going to an NA campout this weekend and I'll be camping with my sponsor and a few other dudes in our family. I also get to go over a step with him in the woods, cool huh? ANyway I'll have plenty of time to talk about this with him and some of my sponsee brothers and cousins while roasting hot dogs and stuff...

Gooch

(((((Blake)))))

Phinneas

That sounds perfect, Blake. Have fun, too!

Smyle

Prayers to you and I hope you find peace with this.......

Time2Surrender

Thats the bottom line bro. We never have to use again for any reason. I admire how you carry the message here at SR. I also have a feeling you are going to be one top notch chef someday.

nogard

(((Blake)))

Blake

Yeah the campout was just what I needed, I found out that I'm not the only one that has had to go through something like this in recovery, in fact I met 3 other addicts with similar experiences...their getting through it make me know 100% that I can get through it....I also picked up a few assignments from my sponsor about it.

I went over the third step with him right after sunrise on sunday morning, it was a very spiritual thing (or maybe it was the coffee and sleep deprevation....just kiddin) Today I KNOW everything will workout just how it is suppose to (even if I can't see it that way at the time) and I have some power greater than myself watching my back for me.

I LOVE NA FUNCTIONS!!!!

SaTiT

mmm...you saw a white feather on your window Blake ?

Ordinary asked the Dream Giver to take the un-easy feelings away.
He told the Dream Giver he couldn't go on with all those fears inside of him.
The Dream Giver refused to take those feelings aways.
Ordinary had to step forward inspite of his fears
mmm...som'in about Courage is not without fears.lol
Plus the feelings of loosing his dream is much much greater than his fears.
And changes means thing would be different
and of course it also means getting out of your comfort zone.

mmm..regrets, thats not saying or doing something that's within your heart.
It is emmence and inconcievable. Time....
It's about the pain of regrets...can't ya tell.lol
I love her so dearly.
Love dosen't need time becuase if you follow your heart
your not going to have all these crazy thoughts of what if thisss and thats all
de time.lmsf

It is now or never and all you have is now. So never dosn't exist.lol

Besides you never thought about this or that when you wanted to get high,
so why in the hell think about it now, when your clean sober and especailly
when it comes to living your life/dreams.

You are a child of god and you deserve it.
You're good enough, your more than enough.

Phinneas

Wow, Blake. Just wow.