A chance to test...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: US
Posts: 84
A chance to test...
Hi all,
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. AH and I had (another!!!!!!!!!) long discussion last night and I was able to discern one concrete thing that he wants me to do that he says will make him happy and will save our marriage. I sincerely doubt that my making this simple change will radically modify our situation, but I agreed with him and will do so. He says there is nothing else I do, no other action which angers him on my part. He agrees that I am in general kind and polite except for this, which drives him nuts.
I will take this action and see what happens. It is a very easy fix. If, as I suspect, it will make little difference, that the disease is the real problem and not anything I have done, then my conscience will be clear. I think I will have done everything in my power to prevent separation and I will be able to stop second-guessing myself.
If it does make a difference then I will be amazed at yet another miracle.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. AH and I had (another!!!!!!!!!) long discussion last night and I was able to discern one concrete thing that he wants me to do that he says will make him happy and will save our marriage. I sincerely doubt that my making this simple change will radically modify our situation, but I agreed with him and will do so. He says there is nothing else I do, no other action which angers him on my part. He agrees that I am in general kind and polite except for this, which drives him nuts.
I will take this action and see what happens. It is a very easy fix. If, as I suspect, it will make little difference, that the disease is the real problem and not anything I have done, then my conscience will be clear. I think I will have done everything in my power to prevent separation and I will be able to stop second-guessing myself.
If it does make a difference then I will be amazed at yet another miracle.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
No offense intended, and you should do what you feel will help you to be comfortable with the decisions you make. That said I personally have had that conversation and when the result was no change on his part, he came up with something else I did. If only I wouldn't get mad at him. So I didn't. If I would just understand, I tried. If I would take over and run his business, if I would not expect him to come home then I wouldn't be disappointed and it would save us both alot of grief ( no kidding) He always came up with something to take the attention off him and his drinking. Good luck with it.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
It always feels so good to talk.....and truly if you will feel like this one thing is worth an attempt,please try it. BUT, as you already think, it may not make any difference and they always seem to think of one more lil' thing that will help if only YOU do it. Did you get to ask for one wish too? 
Keep reading and keep your mind focused on the big picture and your life, not just his...alanon, books, here. We are here to listen and care. Wouldn't that be great if it is only that one thing that will keep your marriage and make it a good one! Wish mine had been that simple, as we all have wished.
Keep reading and keep your mind focused on the big picture and your life, not just his...alanon, books, here. We are here to listen and care. Wouldn't that be great if it is only that one thing that will keep your marriage and make it a good one! Wish mine had been that simple, as we all have wished.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it and and I sure as h can't CURE it.
Good luck icetea. Please keep in mind there might be other little things you do down the road that will make him drink again, so be careful never to change one little thing about yourself from this day foreward.
I think after 18 years of it, I've gotten a little cynical.
Good luck icetea. Please keep in mind there might be other little things you do down the road that will make him drink again, so be careful never to change one little thing about yourself from this day foreward.
I think after 18 years of it, I've gotten a little cynical.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: US
Posts: 84
That is the most confusing part for me. I think he has been sober for about two or three weeks this time, yet the mood swings are just as bad or worse as ever. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar. I understand that early recovery can be difficult for the A so I am trying to tread carefully...there is a fine balnce between protecting myself and giving up too soon if indeed he is seriously trying to recover. He is very private about his AA stuff so I can't really talk to him about it.
Then again, I was never really good at telling when he was drinking (unless of course he was incoherent or on the floor or....). When he did tell me once the extent and frequency of his use it blew me away, because I had no idea that it was that bad. And when I started to go to Al-Anon I checked my mental breathalizer at the door.
Then again, I was never really good at telling when he was drinking (unless of course he was incoherent or on the floor or....). When he did tell me once the extent and frequency of his use it blew me away, because I had no idea that it was that bad. And when I started to go to Al-Anon I checked my mental breathalizer at the door.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
My AH isn't bipolar, but he was a heavy drinker for many, many years. After I was with him about three years, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't married to him and had three kids (but not by him), and my ex-husband was way out of the picture. I was unemployed and not getting any child support. Yet, I took the bull by the horns, took my kids and left him in my own apartment for over three weeks alone until I could have him thrown out by the court. Before the court could throw him out, he called his mother to take him to detox. When she told me she was taking him, I told her she was wasting her time because he'd just leave and go to the bar (which he had done many times before when I took him). I didn't accept any of his phone calls, after detox he went to a 28 day rehab (which his mother paid for, and again I thought she was foolish). When he wrote me from rehab, I never answered his letters, and when he got out I didn't want to see or speak to him. I already had packed all his stuff and sent it to his mother's, where he lived once he got out. He did his 90 meetings in 90 days, and kept begging me back. I finally dated him while he lived with him mother and worked on his sobriety. Little issues such as work problems, car problems, and after we got married, kid problems arose, yet he continued to maintain his sobriety, and dealt with it using the tools he had learned (and my kids were not easy kids to raise). In all that time, he never picked up, he just dealt with it. He enjoyed his life, etc. and knew the ball was in his court, he was the only one to control his drinking. And we had arguments during that time, never did he drink. Now that the kids are grown, and after shoulder surgery, what do I have? A drunk. And you know why he drinks? He drinks because he had to pay my daugther's car payment because she's a struggling single mom. He drinks because I have to babysit two nights a week while she continues her education to be an RN (only 8 mos. to go), he drinks because we're tight on money (yeah, cause it goes on beer), he drinks because I nag (yeah, about being drunk at work or drinking and driving), he drinks because he thinks I don't love him (yeah, cause I don't want to have s#x with a drunk), he drinks cause he doesn't feel well and thinks his health is failing (yeah, from too much drinking), he drinks because we're constantly arguing (yeah, because sometimes my patience grows slim with a drunk night after night) the list goes on and on. It's good that you want a clear conscience, but you know what, your AH's list will go on and on too, and you will never have it until you realize it's not you. Like said above, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. I chose to stay with him, for now, because I've learned tools that work for me (especially detaching and learning alot about alcoholism, such as how A's are famous for shifting blame). Remember, you can't control a situation, you can only control how you react to it. I sincerely hope that he is serious about his recovery, I know my husband was once and remained sober for over 14 years, so there is hope. Just always remember, don't set yourself up for a disappointment, hope for the best, but expect the worst. And please remember, it's not you. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: hurricane,wv
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by queenteree
My AH isn't bipolar, but he was a heavy drinker for many, many years. After I was with him about three years, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't married to him and had three kids (but not by him), and my ex-husband was way out of the picture. I was unemployed and not getting any child support. Yet, I took the bull by the horns, took my kids and left him in my own apartment for over three weeks alone until I could have him thrown out by the court. Before the court could throw him out, he called his mother to take him to detox. When she told me she was taking him, I told her she was wasting her time because he'd just leave and go to the bar (which he had done many times before when I took him). I didn't accept any of his phone calls, after detox he went to a 28 day rehab (which his mother paid for, and again I thought she was foolish). When he wrote me from rehab, I never answered his letters, and when he got out I didn't want to see or speak to him. I already had packed all his stuff and sent it to his mother's, where he lived once he got out. He did his 90 meetings in 90 days, and kept begging me back. I finally dated him while he lived with him mother and worked on his sobriety. Little issues such as work problems, car problems, and after we got married, kid problems arose, yet he continued to maintain his sobriety, and dealt with it using the tools he had learned (and my kids were not easy kids to raise). In all that time, he never picked up, he just dealt with it. He enjoyed his life, etc. and knew the ball was in his court, he was the only one to control his drinking. And we had arguments during that time, never did he drink. Now that the kids are grown, and after shoulder surgery, what do I have? A drunk. And you know why he drinks? He drinks because he had to pay my daugther's car payment because she's a struggling single mom. He drinks because I have to babysit two nights a week while she continues her education to be an RN (only 8 mos. to go), he drinks because we're tight on money (yeah, cause it goes on beer), he drinks because I nag (yeah, about being drunk at work or drinking and driving), he drinks because he thinks I don't love him (yeah, cause I don't want to have s#x with a drunk), he drinks cause he doesn't feel well and thinks his health is failing (yeah, from too much drinking), he drinks because we're constantly arguing (yeah, because sometimes my patience grows slim with a drunk night after night) the list goes on and on. It's good that you want a clear conscience, but you know what, your AH's list will go on and on too, and you will never have it until you realize it's not you. Like said above, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. I chose to stay with him, for now, because I've learned tools that work for me (especially detaching and learning alot about alcoholism, such as how A's are famous for shifting blame). Remember, you can't control a situation, you can only control how you react to it. I sincerely hope that he is serious about his recovery, I know my husband was once and remained sober for over 14 years, so there is hope. Just always remember, don't set yourself up for a disappointment, hope for the best, but expect the worst. And please remember, it's not you. Good luck to you.
How terribly depressing that he was able to stay sober and put your family back together only to start drinking again. Seems like a terrible waste. I hope that isn't the "norm" of what to expect.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
Nothing Changes, If Nothing Changes.
You'll find out that if the focus is about you to change, then he Doesn't have to change. Better for you to change locations, it gets much more peaceful. No sprawled out on floor, messed up bathroom, dui's, overdrafts on acct's...
only sober time I heard from xabf was when he was locked up.
You'll find out that if the focus is about you to change, then he Doesn't have to change. Better for you to change locations, it gets much more peaceful. No sprawled out on floor, messed up bathroom, dui's, overdrafts on acct's...
only sober time I heard from xabf was when he was locked up.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Jooser's wife,
Please don't consider this the norm, even though it is quite common. The demons are always there, and once an addict (or alcoholic), always one. They just must learn the tools and have the strength to work the program and maintain their sobriety. My husband's brother is a RA, he is recovering now for over 18 years with no relapses and I honesly don't think he'll ever relapse. But what I do know, is once the relapse happens, it's harder the second, third and fourth time around to stop and stop for good. Sorry I depressed you, but it is what it is. And you are right, it is a waste, and it used to depress me every day, I was almost on antidepressants, but like I said above, you can't control what happens, but you can control how you react, and with the exception of a drunk husband, my life is pretty good. I've learned not to let him drag me down with him.
Please don't consider this the norm, even though it is quite common. The demons are always there, and once an addict (or alcoholic), always one. They just must learn the tools and have the strength to work the program and maintain their sobriety. My husband's brother is a RA, he is recovering now for over 18 years with no relapses and I honesly don't think he'll ever relapse. But what I do know, is once the relapse happens, it's harder the second, third and fourth time around to stop and stop for good. Sorry I depressed you, but it is what it is. And you are right, it is a waste, and it used to depress me every day, I was almost on antidepressants, but like I said above, you can't control what happens, but you can control how you react, and with the exception of a drunk husband, my life is pretty good. I've learned not to let him drag me down with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Queenteree, what a perfect capture of the blaming. Somehow it was always tied into me as well. If only you would give me more support I would have been able to quit. If only you would be more loving to me. If only you would turn a circle three times before you walked through the front door, then, then I would be able to quit.
You know, I think us spouses all go through a process too. I personally had to exhaust all options, despite what everyone was telling me, before I was ready to give it up. It's amazing, sad but amazing, how our stories coincide. I've learned though. This time around, while I'm dealing with the aftermath of leaving, I'm listening to that advice I hear right here. I'm done thinking maybe there's another way for him to see what he's done. When he wants to figure it out, he will.
You know, I think us spouses all go through a process too. I personally had to exhaust all options, despite what everyone was telling me, before I was ready to give it up. It's amazing, sad but amazing, how our stories coincide. I've learned though. This time around, while I'm dealing with the aftermath of leaving, I'm listening to that advice I hear right here. I'm done thinking maybe there's another way for him to see what he's done. When he wants to figure it out, he will.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by TexasGirl
You know, I think us spouses all go through a process too. I personally had to exhaust all options, despite what everyone was telling me, before I was ready to give it up. It's amazing, sad but amazing, how our stories coincide. I've learned though. This time around, while I'm dealing with the aftermath of leaving, I'm listening to that advice I hear right here. I'm done thinking maybe there's another way for him to see what he's done. When he wants to figure it out, he will.
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