TexasGirl

It's amazing how our minds work. I had kind of a low evening last night, and I found my thoughts turning to him. Just for a second, I wondered if maybe I could be with him again. I thought about how it would be nice to have someone to go to dinner with, or to be working on dinner with someone, and to just not be lonely anymore. I have to say, going out to eat by myself, eating Easy Mac and grapes at home, and having conversations with my dog has gotten quite old.

Then I stopped to remember what it was that I would be doing if I were back in that house. We would either be fighting because he felt like picking one with me, or I would be emotionally alone anyway because he would be drunk/passed out. Or I might be trying to keep my eyes open just another few minutes hoping he would pass out and I could sneak off to sleep so that he wouldn't try to make a move when we went to bed. Or I would have my ear pressed to the front door while he talked to one of his "friends" quite flirtatiously on the front porch. Or I would be sitting in bed watching TV while he blabbed on the phone with his pill friend.

Nope, I sure don't miss that! Isn't it weird how I had to work to remember that stuff, but the idea of being together and happy pops out of nowhere?

I guess solitude will do that to you.

mallowcup

Maybe we should be enocuraging people to take a picture of their drunk spouse sitting in their own pee. Maybe we should encourage them to buy a tape recorder to replay the caustic, slurred babble. I have always noticed at a wedding or other gathering the videograoher avoids a drunk. I would pay them extra to film them and splice it out of the footage. It would be very hard to defend

mallowcup

I actually think it would be a whole career for some ambitious person. NOt only would this make an undefensible statement, it would make some dandy evidence.

TexasGirl

Yes, the peeing on our couch, in the car, on the floor.....
Nope, sure don't miss that!!!

denny57

TG, it's okay to spend a little time with yourself. It's uncomfortable, but it's okay LOL.

Wanting to share those moments in life with someone else is normal and lots of fun. Except with an A. When you are ready, you'll step back out into the world and the new, healthy, you will find someone who wants the same things. Heck, I still have those thoughts of if AH would just get sober and get his life together we'd have a great time. My head tells me I know better and I look around and realize me, my cats and tex mex is ok for now.

Take care.

elizabeth1979

Good post TG.
Strangely, Ive been having similar thoughts.

For me, it doesn't mean I miss him..it means I dont know myself well enough yet.

I know this is new for you and its some work, but anything in life worth having is work, in my opinion.

Here are some things I do when Im lonely.

-Turn on music and do my nails, facial mask, deep condition my hair, while I read trashy celebrity gossip magazines.
-Try out new meals I have seen on the Food Network
-Take my dog to the park
-Call a friend to chat
-Wash my car

If I want to get to know myself,I have to enjoy my own company. About the mac and cheese..have you tried making full meals for yourself? I found early on that when I didnt cook, I felt more alone..cooking is not just for others

Pick-a-name

Thanks.....I needed that just at this moment! Sneaks up on me....

I used to have a picture of him I kept on the refrig. (with our kids in it...it was cute of them!) with "that look" in his eyes. I reminded myself that way,too. Especially when I hear he is out at parties with some females (not ladies in my book ) and I am home with the kids and the dogs and cats. I know in my head I have the best end of this deal (even when the kids aren't here) but sometimes I get nostalgic and forget.

It is a S_L_O_W process for me!

((TG))

mazey

I keep a list in my journal to just review every now 'n then...or pull out all the diaries from years past....it does really help remind me how it really was. AND, how very lonely I was then, but I was also "troubled". NOW, I am not troubled and actually very few moments of pure lonliness. (I cook for myself, too, and it feels good! Just takes awhile to down size how I use to cook! The first thing I made was beef and noodles..... had enuf for a week! hee hee!but, my "boys" aka the dogs loved it!) Keeping busy has really kept my mind busy...BUT, I don't have him calling me, or trying to make any contact either. I guess he was done too, that is bitter sweet for me. BUT, that would make it tons more difficult. We are about the same time out from our separations from them. Hoping each day gets better.

LaTeeDa

I think this is excellent advice. I kept a journal when I first separated from my husband and it has been very helpful to go back to it at certain times along the way.

We were sharing a fond memory not too long ago and he said something like "It wasn't all bad now was it?" My reply--"Of course it wasn't all bad. Why do you think I stayed so long and held out hope? If it was all bad, I would have left a lot sooner."

It's okay to remember the good times. It's also okay to mourn the loss of the dream. Just be careful of slipping back into denial. The reality is still there, even when you are not living it every day. Maybe it would help to do a pro and con list, kind of like a balance sheet of the bad vs. the good just to keep things in perspective. And if he ever does start to address his issues, you can look at the con side of the list and see if any are no longer there.

L

Zoey

I too believe in pro and con lists, also gratitude lists.
My dog would be at the top of my graditude list. (SMILE)

splendra

Yea I consider my dogs better company than some people I know...At least if they pee on my rug they feel sorry about it...and promise to try not to do it again.

Ayers1995

Back in February i was sitting on the couch just staring at Ah. He was drunk and he was watching a movie. I sat there in disgust b/c his eyes were glazed over, his drink was beside him. He was 5'10" and 270 lbs at the time.

I sat with my cell phone videoing him. Just sat there... For the longest time he didn't even realize it, then he raised his hand like he was acting like he was tuff. I never erased that video. I look at it randomly to remind myself of what started this whole process.

I need to go home and look at it again, b/c I do have days. I've only been away since Sunday.... I'm sure it will either get better or worse...

StandingStrong

I've also commented on the whole "how can I forget?" topic.
It does boggle the mind, doesn't it?

Every now and then, I still start missing AH. But I've been trying to pay close attention to the "why" I am missing him or the "What" am I missing. It's been interesting really.

I'm glad to hear TG that you also made a valid point in remembering the bad stuff when the good stuff was there - I know for me, it keeps me in the reality. When I am remembering happier times and whatnot, I also make sure to refer to that mental Reality Check List. Keeps it in perspective for me.