blizzard77

Besides my real dad dying when I was 7 and a mom who wasn't there for me I had a pretty good childhood. When I was 6 new neighbors that moved in a couple houses over took me in as one of thier own, literally. At the time they has 2 dtrs one a year younger than me with downs syndrome with severe congenital heart and lung defects and one 4 yrs younger than me. They went on to have two boys. I loved those boys, they were like my babies when we'd play house. My "other-mother" was greatful for the help and I just loved being around "my second family". "The Father" as I offically call him walked me down the isle on my wedding day, bought my wedding dress and was the only male figure in my life. I thought the sun rose and set on him. He was a great dad, very involved...I can't even put into words how wonderful of a man he is and how much he loves his family. He was always a drinker but a happy funny one, the life of the party. As I became a teenager I noticed his drinking more. He'd sit there with his eyes half slit shut and say the same things over and over again. It became annoying to be around him when he was drunk.
Fast forward to the present. J the sister with downs syndrome is now 34yrs old and very sick. Oxygen dependant, homebound and basically lives in a fantasy world she has created where she has 5 children a husband (Dr. Carter) from ER and this is her world besides her parents and her nurses that stay with her during the day and one Sat a month. My youngest brother who is 26 still lives at home, sister #2 lives in NC fairly close to me, older boy expecting his first baby in Jan.
So, I've been having a rough time lately and my "other mother" came to visit a couple of weekends ago and stayed with my sister. She wanted to surprise me because I was feeling alone, sad etc. Since I am not blood and because of my situation with AH there are secrets " mom" keeps from me. My brothers were here this past weekend and were talking about how dads alcoholism has progressed significantley since I moved 3 yrs ago. He F's up quits for 6months F's up again quits again. This has been the pattern for the past ten years. Mom threatens divorce etc etc but never follows through. He helps out with J alot. I mean do you know a man who will or who has to change his daughters kotex when she has her period or bathe and dress her?? He does it willingly and he spoils her rotten. So she stays.
So, the boys mention a police incident a couple of weeks ago, this shocks me because other than when he's drinking they are very much love eachother (have been married since age 18) and are a united team. Apparently while mom was here visiting us he was at home in charge of J for the weekend. Brother that lives there is in and out but the responsibility of taking care of J is his. So mom calls and he sounds drunk, she talks to J who says she's fine then lays into dad. She trys to get a hold of the brothers but can't. She calls again...No answer. This means he's passed out cold (drinks and is known to mix with valium). She freaks and wants to call the police to go do a welfare check. Sister who is with her trys to get her to wait and see if she can get a hold of brothers and tells her "mom they could take J away" (J is mom's life) she in a panic calls the police. Sister finally gets a hold of brother (who lives with them) who also happens to be a voulenteer firefighter. He quickly makes some calls to friends who say they will also go over, he was on his way home.
Cops came, J let them in and dad is passed out cold on the couch. Cops arouse him and tell him they are going to arrest him for endangering the welfare of his handicapped daughter. Brother gets home, talks to police and they tell dad thank your son that we're not going to haul your ass off to jail. Mother vows to kick his ass out when she gets home, brothers are pissed: "Why didn't you call us, if you were going to drink are you f'ing stupid?" Sister #2 still will not speak to him. Mom didn't get him kicked out but instead got a restraining order that if he drinks in J's presence again he will immediately be arrested. I tried to explain the concept of disease to brothers/sisters. They are conflicted. They love dad, don't want to see him in jail (one brother has put money in bank to bail him out if he gets arrested). The same brother told him he would never leave his soon to be baby alone with him. So, he's not drinking again. You can pretty much mark it into your day planner that he'll have another binge in the next 3 to 6 months. Mom ALWAYS thinks this time he'll keep his word. We all know better. I'm going home next week. They don't know I know about this last incident. I've decided to stay with friends instead of with them. I love "the father" very much but I can't be around him and her and watch the denial right before my very eyes. They asked why I chose to stay with friends. Should I tell them? I KNOW it's a disease but I am appauled that he did this while he was in charge of J who is so ill anything could happen at anytime. BTW, mom called her lawyer when she got home and sister was right they could've taken her away and she'd stay in foster care until a court date was set no matter that mom is a wonderful mother that would never do anything to endanger the life of J. I have to say I would have liked to see him get arrested but am thankful that he didn't just because they could have taken her away and that literally would KILL mom. She has out-lived her life expectancy by 10-12 yrs I believe because of the love and care she recieves from her family. This has been weighing on my mind heavily since I learn of the "incident" this past weekend. One thing brothers/sister told mom was you can NEVER trust him alone with her again. NEVER. I hope she takes thier warnigs seriously. she so wants to believe him but gets kicked in the ass every time.

FormerDoormat

What a mess. But do you think it's wise to go over there and get involved in their chaos and insanity? There's nothing you can do to turn this situation around. They ALL have to decide they need to seek help. For you own serenity and peace of mind, perhaps it's best to stay away until the situation difuses itself.

mallowcup

I think I'd stay out of this. I read some things here that made me take pause. I'm not sure why this vulnerable woman was left alone with an alcoholic. I'm also not understanding why her personal hygiene needs would be managed by a father figure. A woman menstrates for a few days. It is cyclic and predicatable. It seems avoidable and inappropriate. This sounds like a can or worms that could become very ugly. If you were to get your self involved beyond what you already are, how do you see yourself involved? I think it would be very nice of you to pour a cup of coffee for you and your "mom". Have a sit down and let her do most of the talking.

blizzard77

FD- I haven't been home in two years and haven't seen J in that long so I want to go there to visit. They don't know I know so it will be easy to stay out of the mess. Just found out sister who lives here has to have major surgery so the weekend I will be in Bufffalo he (dad will be here in NC). So, I won't even have to see him.
Mallow,
They have nurses M-F 8-4:30pm who care for J. Mom gives her a bath at night because she sleeps most of the day. The nurses basically feed her and sit with her while she sleeps. There are and have been times in the evening when mom goes out for dinner with friends etc. and dad is home with J and this is when/ why he has to take care of her personal hygiene needs. Really, he's not some kind of weirdo or anything, he loves her very much and that is evident to all who know him. Mother, who is in HUGE denial believed since he hadn't drank in 6 months he'd know better.........she don't get the concept of the disease process and has never attended alanon, although it's been encouraged by myself and her family doctor. Dad will be here for sister #2 surgery then he will go home and mom will be here for her recovery period-this time she has back-up for J's care. I knew it would look horrible in print and pondered if I should ask advice or not. Please keep in mind these are 2 adults who's children are grown and out of the house but they choose to keep her at home and care for her 24/7. Yes, he has a disease...he's and A but his disease is not all that defines his character and who he is as a father. He needs help and won't admit it. He's not a monster by any means. Not that I think you meant that in your reply, I just wanted to convey that he is a good man who loves his family but has a disease he can't control and it has gotten to the point where he has put J in harms way (progressive) a point I never thought I'd see it come to but it has.

mallowcup

You say things have come to a point that you never thought they would. Ordinarilly and historically this man who loves his daughter got drunk and put her in harms way. Alcohol impairs ability and judgement.

blizzard77

I agree. He obviously is incapable of making appropriate decisions. I mean..getting f'd up while being in charge of her? In one sense it blows my mind and then I remember it's a progressive illness and he has obviously progressed to this point. You'd think it would be his bottom but mom catches him before he falls. I hate alcoholism and what it does to decent, loving human beings. He should never be left alone to care for her AGAIN even if he's been sober for 6-8months. The compulsion is too strong and the denial is even stronger. If it happens again "other mother" IMHO will be to blame. She HAS the ability to think rationally and make good decisions. It's time to wake up and see it for what it is..a disease that can not be cured and will power to quit has nothing to do with it. UGGGGGGGH!!!!

best

So don't alcoholics...when they are not drinking.

Mom has an addiction as well. Codependant and denial. Both can be just as progressive and blinding as alcohol. Mom won't change till she reaches her bottom. I think denial (in my opinion) is even more blinding then the alcohol.