Just wanted to share
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Newark, Ohio
Posts: 24
Just wanted to share
I am realistic about the exchange we had, but my Aunt and I did have a conversation yesterday. I had been losing sleep trying to figure out how to talk to her about her A, without simply throwing her out. I knew I had to for my families sake as well as my own. There were too many things that I ignored and let go of at the time because she was drinking.
I also made some decisions on my own reactions. Time to let go of past habits and learned behaviors that I forgot I had when dealing with an A.
I know that it isn't a quick fix. But it is a start that I can live with.
I also discovered that by ignoring some of her behaviors and decisions that it did leave her little else to do but look at herself. I was worried that it made it easier for her to not look at it by not saying anything.
I started taking action. I called a good friend of hers and asked them a few questions. They are also an A, but drinks only a few days a month, I am not sure what you call that because it will develop into an every day pattern again soon, then they will stop again for a time and repeat the whole cycle. This person suggested that they try to get her to go to AA meetings with them. I am all for this. I don't know that their particular influence (I mean person not program) is great for her, but maybe it will get her started in the direction she needs to go. I have mixed emotions about that, but I cannot control what she does and doesn't do.
I told her that I am concerned for her. That I have been losing sleep worrying where she was taking herself and how it was going to affect my family. I had noticed that she stopped drinking around my boys for the past couple of weeks. I reaffirmed her admissions of having a problem and of not being able to stop it as well as it getting worse and her not making any real progress in the seven months that she's been here. I told her that I don't want to seem like I am putting a time line on her healing, but there is no progress at all, other than her drinking escalating. I also told her that I see a rehab in her future before she will be able to deal with any of the pain that she is self medicating. I explained that I was sorry it hurt her that my boys are so honest with her about her drinking, but I did raise them to be honest and they only tell her because they do love her. I let her know that I cannot support her habits, I have children to raise.
She didn't really appear to like having the conversation. But she didn't walk away. She wasn't happy with herself and I could see that she doesn't feel great about where she is.
I did feel badly for her, but I didn't back down nor did I coddle her.
The one thing that she said that gave me a little hope for her was that it bothered her tremendously to see herself taking a hundred pennies (I refuse to give her money and enable her anymore) to the store to buy a beer, then borrowing a dollar from the neighbor to go back. She said that she can see how bad she has gotten.
I am going to do my best to give her problem back to her and only address the issues that I have with things she says to me or my boys, whether she is drinking or not, when the time arises.
The reason I mentioned the past learned behaviors/habits is because I realized that I shut up and stop responding when I disagree with her while she is drinking. As children, we had to do that with my stepfather. I will not do that anymore as I am not a child and this is MY home.
I don't know that she will use AA to her advantage as she has made a couple of comments to me that have implied she doesn't really believe in the program. But it is her life and her choice.
I feel like I am taking back some control of my life and it makes me feel a little better.
I also made some decisions on my own reactions. Time to let go of past habits and learned behaviors that I forgot I had when dealing with an A.
I know that it isn't a quick fix. But it is a start that I can live with.
I also discovered that by ignoring some of her behaviors and decisions that it did leave her little else to do but look at herself. I was worried that it made it easier for her to not look at it by not saying anything.
I started taking action. I called a good friend of hers and asked them a few questions. They are also an A, but drinks only a few days a month, I am not sure what you call that because it will develop into an every day pattern again soon, then they will stop again for a time and repeat the whole cycle. This person suggested that they try to get her to go to AA meetings with them. I am all for this. I don't know that their particular influence (I mean person not program) is great for her, but maybe it will get her started in the direction she needs to go. I have mixed emotions about that, but I cannot control what she does and doesn't do.
I told her that I am concerned for her. That I have been losing sleep worrying where she was taking herself and how it was going to affect my family. I had noticed that she stopped drinking around my boys for the past couple of weeks. I reaffirmed her admissions of having a problem and of not being able to stop it as well as it getting worse and her not making any real progress in the seven months that she's been here. I told her that I don't want to seem like I am putting a time line on her healing, but there is no progress at all, other than her drinking escalating. I also told her that I see a rehab in her future before she will be able to deal with any of the pain that she is self medicating. I explained that I was sorry it hurt her that my boys are so honest with her about her drinking, but I did raise them to be honest and they only tell her because they do love her. I let her know that I cannot support her habits, I have children to raise.
She didn't really appear to like having the conversation. But she didn't walk away. She wasn't happy with herself and I could see that she doesn't feel great about where she is.
I did feel badly for her, but I didn't back down nor did I coddle her.
The one thing that she said that gave me a little hope for her was that it bothered her tremendously to see herself taking a hundred pennies (I refuse to give her money and enable her anymore) to the store to buy a beer, then borrowing a dollar from the neighbor to go back. She said that she can see how bad she has gotten.
I am going to do my best to give her problem back to her and only address the issues that I have with things she says to me or my boys, whether she is drinking or not, when the time arises.
The reason I mentioned the past learned behaviors/habits is because I realized that I shut up and stop responding when I disagree with her while she is drinking. As children, we had to do that with my stepfather. I will not do that anymore as I am not a child and this is MY home.
I don't know that she will use AA to her advantage as she has made a couple of comments to me that have implied she doesn't really believe in the program. But it is her life and her choice.
I feel like I am taking back some control of my life and it makes me feel a little better.
Sounds like you're headed in that direction, KYwoman.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Newark, Ohio
Posts: 24
She hasn't had a drink in two days. It is showing. She still hasn't been to AA, but it is okay, because the children and I are okay.
I assume that either she will keep drinking and eventually move out because she knows it is such an issue or she will stop and get the help she needs. Either way, it is up to her and I am not going to stop my world for hers anymore.
I assume that either she will keep drinking and eventually move out because she knows it is such an issue or she will stop and get the help she needs. Either way, it is up to her and I am not going to stop my world for hers anymore.
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