So Confused

Well I decided on friday even though my boyfriend forgot to call on my birthday I went out. he started calling as soon as he got off work I decided not to answer,. I have learned that the conversation will be about him. Within an hour I had 7 missed calls and some nasty voice mails about where are you ans then the text messages. He had some great news he wanted to share with me and I guess I was flattered. However, I mentioned that I waited to hear happy birthday from one person and they never called. He claims that he went to my house looking for me with my gift and he was going to suprise me. RIGHT!!!!! I eventually met up with him at his house and he admitted that he forgot but he called that night when he remembered. NOT my phone is never off. Anyway as it turns out the funny thing about this or perhaps sad and all of you who are in a relationship with someone who uses or is in recovery should know all about this......The gift was that we could see eachother and as it turned out he was going to take me to dinner but since he could not find me that never happened. So we had a wonderful moment in the bedroom.....and I got to spend the night. Am I 3 here people? Becaus he is working through some things we only talk on the phone and do not see eachother because he is hiding in his house. I do not need a gift or all the hoopla that my family puts out for the birthday event. But the passion shall we say was not there. Almost like a favor. What is so sad is what he misses is all i wanted was him. Oh well, he is sick really is this time not self created. So my friends have planned an evening for me. It should be a good time. Just needed to vent so I do not take it out with me. Really hurt my feelings that he thought touching me or hugging me was some sort of gift. Shouldn't that happen without the birthday? As I layed there this morning I realized that through it all I feel no stress and anxiety when I am with him. I do not know anymore. I suppose it will come to me when God intends. If anyone has any comments regarding the selfish end of this and addiction because it seems fairly common it would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me share. Sorry if it is a little confusing but needed to get that out. THANKS
SC

Zoey

This was a tough question, Sure he thinks you getting to see him is a wonderful gift to you.(He is an addict) I joke.

In the beginning wasn't that it, you were his gift, and he was your gift.
All things get mixed up with being around an addict, sounded like you may no longer care and that would be good for you, right??

I am glad you got it out, typing it out helps I believe. Hope you had a great time doing what you planned for you.

Did you ask are they selfess, yes ,I think so. Just my thinking.

keep us posted, I want the best for you, and for you to find happiness.

prodigal

I don't understand why you go by the handle of "SoConfused." Frankly, you sound as if you have a pretty good hold on what you're dealing with. I think it may be difficult for you, as it is for all of us here, to let go of all the details that have to do with him. Believe me, I know how addicts will take center stage and engulf you in their lives! For the time being, I think you might want to consider changing you phone numbers (home & cell), your email account, or just blocking him off your current account.

This guy has put you through enough pain. Give yourself a break and enjoy your life. Let him figure out what he needs to do to improve his life - without you. Be kind to yourself - you deserve better than what this guy has to offer.

mallowcup

Hey a man can be broke but a loving gesture from a man who's broke would be a homemade card or a poem. I know how upset you are and how hurt but I must chuckle at the epiphany you must have had. "Come here baby, I'll give you your present?" Now there's a reason to be depressed on your birthday. I have experienced that lightbulb moment. shhhhhhh, here's the real secret that makes it sooooooooooo pathetic. Alcoholics think they are good lovers. They think their lovemaking is of some caliber that they can use it. Because it's good for them and they get what they need out of it, they think you do to. He doesnt' deserve to know you that way.

0816

Sorry your birthday wasn't exactly a Hallmark moment with your boyfriend. He is clearly an ego-maniac but sounds like he does love you. I have no right to judge but can say that it doesn't sound like a healthy love. He gets what he needs from you on his terms. Life with addition sucks! May want to consider finding someone who has more to offer you emotionally. You sound sweet and deserving of a GREAT life, not settling for a so-so life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Have a wonderful day!

mallowcup

Just an abstract thought. People tend apologize for judging. this may stem from, "Judge not, lest ye be judged". HOw can we go through life without judgeing? We can't. We make judgement calls everyday. I think this term has people bound from having a judgement or conviction, feeling good about it. What if that quote really means that we should all live the best life we can knowing that we will be judged for the life we live? Just food for thought. As I have gotten older and being a child of the sixties, back then was the birth of all kinds of emancipations, it was trendy to be open minded to everything and if you weren't accepting of just about anything, you were not enlightened and closed minded. If you weren't open to everything, it implied you didn't have sophisticated enough thining to grasp an open concept. Well, I have developed some pretty strong cinvictions about certain things and I find that I am perceived still as being unsophisticated and closed minded. What if you get out of bed everyday and decide to live the best life you know how? I believe it is OK to judge. We do anyway. So why make thoughtful judgements? If an ex con shows up to take my daughter out on a date, I will have a judgement about that. If my son wants to sell drugs, I will have a judgement about that. If a man pledges to love, honor and cherish me and sits in a bar all day and night, I'll judge that too. I find that the people who accuse someone of being judgemental is usually the one being judged. What if we call it holding someone accountable instead? I hate seeing people locking themselves in by these misinterpreted ideas. Two of the biggest ones are well "I promised to stay with this man until I die, in sickness and health" and "I don't like to judge". In retrospect when I am judged bythe only ONE who matters, I don't want my excuse to be, ididn't want to judge anyone or I stayed in a dishonorable marriage because I said I would. I think if people can entertain the idea that it's OK to leave a marriage that spits in Gods face and it is impossible not to judge, they'd make positive steps. Who am I to judge? I am a faithful wife who works hard and have rasied three sons to be good, kind adult men. I am willing to listen and I am usually empathetic. I don't shoot off my mouth without thought and I never advise anyone without giving it serious attention. I do belive that to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.

FriendofBill

SElf centeredmess is the root of the disease, sober or not. If he is isolating in his home, refuses to see you, forgets your birthday, leaves nasty voice mails...uh, he aint sober, imo.

Why is this person appealing to you? It seems to be all about HIM, and nothing about you.

You are a SOMEBODY, not a nobody.Dont forget that!

So Confused

My goodness.....I finally got it together fromlast night and read all of your responses. I had a wonderful time out with my friends. My best friend of 11 years came and he always meake me laugh. I had the best time I have had in a while. Last night my boyfriend never called. So i figured he still wsa not feeling well and stuck with my plans. This morning he called to tell me how sick he was and was it normal to have certian symtpoms. I explained what he should do and the doctor should be his next tsep. I offered to bring over soup and some other things. He said I do not mean to be snappy I just do not feel good. I just want quiet. I explained I would come over and be quiet. I amaze myself sometimes.. lol ANyway I said I was concerned he said I will call yoiu later. Well here we are at 5pm and no phone call. So instead of calling him I called a friend and we are going to have dinner. Me a year ago would have went right over with care basket in hand. But you know what I do not want to feel used or like my kindness is a burden. I aleady got to feel that on my birthday. lol So at this point I hope he feels better and will be going to relax with a friend. It is so amazing. When he sent those text messages he said call me or end it. So I would say based on that he is under the impression that we still are in a relationship. I am fine with being with him I do love him but at some point i fell he needs to know that I am not ok with this. I can back off when he needs time. But he is doing nothing to better himself and in the process I am supposed to just wonder when I can see him again. Oh well since he is aware of what I want in a relationship it seems pointless to explain it again. ANy thoughts on how to bringthis up? I do not want to start a fight with him because we all know then it is our fault. How ironic. But at the same time I deserve at least a little respect and so does the love we have for eachother. I will stand by his side uncondtionally but this is gettinmg a little much

FormerDoormat

Humm, men have been wanting to give me that kind of "gift" since I was around 15 years old. Funny thing about it, though, I only considered it a gift when I was loved and cherished and the most important person in the "giver's" life and he was the most important person in my life as well...

Doing something that takes a little effort (like remembering your birthday in the first place) or time (like choosing the perfect card for you and taking you out for a romantic dinner) are wonderful ways to show a person that you truly care for them. Pulling out your Johnson at the last minute in the hopes of apeasing someone you care little about is just a way to string them along for the sake of convenience or in an attempt to control them.

If my boyfriend had forgotten my birthday but offered his manliness as an alternative, I would have promptly told him to put that thing away.

You say that "at some point, he needs to know that you are NOT OK with this," but how can he know that if you don't show him with your words and ACTIONS? Your boyfriend missed an important day in your life: your birthday and the next day when he tells you he's not feeling well what did you do? Offer to rush over to his place and bring him soup. And when he rejected that in a snappy manner, what do you do? Offer to come over there and just be quiet? You actions today not only tell your boyfriend that forgetting your birthday is acceptable they're screaming "I'm a doormat--go ahead and walk all over me."

The older I get the more I realize that we all get out of life what we think we deserve. Don't you think you deserve more?

mallowcup

Don't ever ever ever love a man unconditionally. That's not love, that's servitude.

So Confused

I think perhaps maybe you are in a place I am not. Although I do appreciate your response. I am not able to listen to see an agressive approach at this point. God I think I felt worse when I read what you wrote. No I am certain. Although you made a valid point this is a forum of support all of your suggestions although well founded were abrupt. There is a way to offer support and a way to sound just like them. Perhaps you should review that because I at least deserve more respect than your response.

FormerDoormat

Oops--I meant to hit the "Post Reply" button, not the "Thank You" button.

I think what you find abrupt is the truth. Sometimes it's hard to face, but as long as we're unwilling to face the truth, we're unable to move forward in our lives.

I'm assuming that you joined this forum for help. If I praise or support co-dependent behavior--and there was a good bit of it conveyed in your posts here--how would that help you?

So Confused

I can accept the truth I live it everyday. Thank you anyway I understand your intention was good.

denny57

I would have made this statement myself a couple years ago. Because I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me, and admire me for all I put up with and treat me special because the A in my life sure didn't.

I know now I cannot control another's drinking, talking, walking, etc. In fact, I can control nothing but myself. Before reacting, I now try to look at things differently than I used to. I have learned to be less defensive. One of the most important things I ever heard in a meeting was: "I learned to close my mouth and open my ears." I still thank the woman who shared that.

FriendofBill

It sounds like her repsonse has touched a sore spot within you?

What is that sore spot?


Tough, honest love...is indeed tough to hear. Please try to hear the message.

mazey

Support???? hmmmm That is something we come here for, and to share with others our own experiences. Support does NOT mean that the "wise" ones will be supportive of what choices we are making, cuz very often our choices are not good choices for our recovery. Kind words are nice to hear and are softer than harsh ones, however, sometimes not so soft words are necessary to bring us into reality....and not denial! Yes, we may not want to hear them, BUT they are supportive in leading us to think of the 'real' big picture, not just what we want to see, when we want to see it. Listen to them, they have been thru tough times and sometimes are tough with us to get us to listen. I understand your heart is fragile now, don't take what is said too personally. But, it is good to hear you stick up for yourself and your feelings....it is easier here than in our day to day life sometimes.

mallowcup

Why are we so offended by the harsh words of strangers yet tolerate it from those who are supposed to love us?

GettingBy

This is a gem of a statement. It's so very true. We get what we settle for, plain and simple.

I hope that today you decide you deserve more. I hope you see that you are worthy of love and adoration. Worthy of a man who will respect you, and want to honor the special moments of YOUR life.

Thoughts are with you,
Shannon

P.S. Any time my husband comes to me with a laundry lists of medical symptoms... I tell him, "I don't know what is wrong. If your really concerned, you should call a doctor." Don't get me wrong, I used to play nursemaid all the time. It made me feel important. I felt that was showing love. Only problem was that I was doing for him what he could and SHOULD be doing for himself. Nobody calls the doctor for me, so why should I do it for him? Same goes for his medications. If he really wants to feel better, he'll take them, and if he chooses not to, and ends up feeling like crap... not my problem.

The more I treat him like an adult, the more he acts like one.

mallowcup

I will say this because it was such an epiphany for me. It is an extention to what Denny said. It does feel like a slap in the face when you realize that the world will come to disrespect you when you settle for being treated any old way. Your boyfriends behavior was nothing short of a slap in the face. Offering himself up like some kind of sexual treat for your birthday should have insulted you, not the truths spoken here. I'm not tryng to be unsupportive but........all truths are not easy to hear and internalize. In any case, it doesn't change the truth. We are not the ones who don't care about your feelings or your dignity, he is. That is the first truth.

So Confused

OK OK I get it everyone lol!!! I took your advice last night when he called at 11:30 at night. As it appears I suppose i was a little mad at myself for even going overthere to begin with.. And with my actions now I am at square one and I have allowed what he did to be ok. A little late at this point ut now I cannot stand up and say what you did was wrong etc. And itid swept under the carpet. I guess at this point I cannot change how I reacted to him but wait for next time to for my actions to follow my words. That is if there is a next time. Your words even those not so kind have mr thinking. So thank you all for your experiences and responses. I think I am more mad at myself sometimes than I ever at him. I have learned to not get mad athim now i guess I needs to learn not be at me. .................