Newbie...boyfriend in rehab for alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Posts: 1
Newbie...boyfriend in rehab for alcoholism
Hi, I posted this on the newcomers board and was directed to this board.
I guess I am just going to put myself out there and share my story.
I recently began dating one of my friends. We have been together for 4 months. The bond we have together is amazing and I am absolutely in love with him.
I always knew that he drank a lot. There would be days when he would start drinking his beer in the morning and not quit till bedtime. This summer we spent a lot of time down at the lake and drinking became a daily thing.
His work started to get concerned with his drinking problem and decided to force him to get help. He started to see a counsellor and she recommended AA. He went to his first meeting on August 9 came to my place, had 2 beer and hasn't had a drink since. His counsellor still felt that he needed to reach deep and find the root of his problems. On Aug. 24 he left for Rehab.
I visited him last weekend for 3 days in a row, 2 1/2 hours each day. He is doing amazing. He is doing a lot of soul searching and finally admitted to me that he really needs to be there. He cries a lot and really misses home and me. He calls me every night before bed and first thing in the morning. I have been invited to attend Family Week next week. It will be for 5 days. There can be absolutely no communication between the two of us which I really don't understand. His Mom and Dad will not be going (his Dad is an alcoholic), so I will be on my own. I am very nervous and scared.
My big problem right now is my parents. I was married previously for 4 years in a dead marriage. There was no passion and I wasn't in love with him. (That is a whole other story). They are having a hard time grasping that I am dating someone new and that he is an alcoholic. To make matters more complicated the Rehab he is at is in my hometown (town of 1500 people)where my parents live and where I grew up. My parents are extremely embarrassed and have asked me not to come to family week. My Mom is ashamed and is worried about what everyone is going to say. I myself don't care about what people will say and am going to support my boyfriend and be there in any way that I can. I am not allowed to stay with my parents at their house so I will have to stay in a hotel. This is causing me so much pain. I understand if they aren't willing to accept this right now, but please don't ask me to make a choice. My Mom is basically saying that if I go, I don't care about them and that I am being selfish. I don't want to lose my parents respect but I really feel like they are the ones who are being selfish. If this is the person I can see myself being with forever, how could I not be there for him?
I don't really know what I am looking for in advice. I really just need to get this out. I miss him terribly, but I know that this is the best choice he has ever made in his life.
Has anyone ever been to Family Week? What can I expect? Also if anyone has any input on my parent situation please give me some guidance or support.
Thanks for letting me share.
D.
I guess I am just going to put myself out there and share my story.
I recently began dating one of my friends. We have been together for 4 months. The bond we have together is amazing and I am absolutely in love with him.
I always knew that he drank a lot. There would be days when he would start drinking his beer in the morning and not quit till bedtime. This summer we spent a lot of time down at the lake and drinking became a daily thing.
His work started to get concerned with his drinking problem and decided to force him to get help. He started to see a counsellor and she recommended AA. He went to his first meeting on August 9 came to my place, had 2 beer and hasn't had a drink since. His counsellor still felt that he needed to reach deep and find the root of his problems. On Aug. 24 he left for Rehab.
I visited him last weekend for 3 days in a row, 2 1/2 hours each day. He is doing amazing. He is doing a lot of soul searching and finally admitted to me that he really needs to be there. He cries a lot and really misses home and me. He calls me every night before bed and first thing in the morning. I have been invited to attend Family Week next week. It will be for 5 days. There can be absolutely no communication between the two of us which I really don't understand. His Mom and Dad will not be going (his Dad is an alcoholic), so I will be on my own. I am very nervous and scared.
My big problem right now is my parents. I was married previously for 4 years in a dead marriage. There was no passion and I wasn't in love with him. (That is a whole other story). They are having a hard time grasping that I am dating someone new and that he is an alcoholic. To make matters more complicated the Rehab he is at is in my hometown (town of 1500 people)where my parents live and where I grew up. My parents are extremely embarrassed and have asked me not to come to family week. My Mom is ashamed and is worried about what everyone is going to say. I myself don't care about what people will say and am going to support my boyfriend and be there in any way that I can. I am not allowed to stay with my parents at their house so I will have to stay in a hotel. This is causing me so much pain. I understand if they aren't willing to accept this right now, but please don't ask me to make a choice. My Mom is basically saying that if I go, I don't care about them and that I am being selfish. I don't want to lose my parents respect but I really feel like they are the ones who are being selfish. If this is the person I can see myself being with forever, how could I not be there for him?
I don't really know what I am looking for in advice. I really just need to get this out. I miss him terribly, but I know that this is the best choice he has ever made in his life.
Has anyone ever been to Family Week? What can I expect? Also if anyone has any input on my parent situation please give me some guidance or support.
Thanks for letting me share.
D.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Wish I could offer some advice. I've never attended anything at rehab.. my AH have never gotten that far...
Best of luck with him and your parents. I hope you find some good advice and answers here on SR.
Welcome.
Best of luck with him and your parents. I hope you find some good advice and answers here on SR.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I attended two "family weekends" at the last detox/rehab my AH was in back in June. Although I was permitted to have lunch and dinner with my husband and the folks who were living in his part of the facility, there was only a single one-hour meeting where we were all together. During that hour, each addict was asked a single question, such as "Where is your favorite place to go for a vacation?" and then we watched a one-hour tape made by some big-name alcohol researcher or counselor.
The families met with several addictions counselors and there were Al-Anon meetings as well. We were given lots of educational material on how alcohol and drugs affect brain chemistry, how to support the addict in the recovery process, and what to expect might happen once they were released.
As far as your mother goes, perhaps she should be given some material on alcoholism. It IS a disease. Nobody sits down one day and decides to drink themselves into losing their job, financial troubles, DUI's, losing their family and friends, or jail time. It is a chemical addiction and it also causes certain behavior patterns that are pretty typical. Read some of the posts here and you'll begin to see the pattern. Would your mom be embarrassed if you married a diabetic or a man who suffers from epilepsy? Alcoholics themselves carry a great burden of shame and guilt - they don't need others to heap more of that on them.
The next time your mom lets you know she's worried about what the neighbors, family or friends will think, simply tell her, "Their opinions are none of our business." Your mother's concern with what other people will think is her problem and not your's. Be polite, don't get in arguments with her, stand firm in your resolve, and give your boyfriend support. Attend Al-Anon, keep your side of the street clean, let him work his program, and you work your program. He sounds as if he's ready to lead a sober life. Just take it one day at a time.
The families met with several addictions counselors and there were Al-Anon meetings as well. We were given lots of educational material on how alcohol and drugs affect brain chemistry, how to support the addict in the recovery process, and what to expect might happen once they were released.
As far as your mother goes, perhaps she should be given some material on alcoholism. It IS a disease. Nobody sits down one day and decides to drink themselves into losing their job, financial troubles, DUI's, losing their family and friends, or jail time. It is a chemical addiction and it also causes certain behavior patterns that are pretty typical. Read some of the posts here and you'll begin to see the pattern. Would your mom be embarrassed if you married a diabetic or a man who suffers from epilepsy? Alcoholics themselves carry a great burden of shame and guilt - they don't need others to heap more of that on them.
The next time your mom lets you know she's worried about what the neighbors, family or friends will think, simply tell her, "Their opinions are none of our business." Your mother's concern with what other people will think is her problem and not your's. Be polite, don't get in arguments with her, stand firm in your resolve, and give your boyfriend support. Attend Al-Anon, keep your side of the street clean, let him work his program, and you work your program. He sounds as if he's ready to lead a sober life. Just take it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Parents can be difficult. I had a sister like that, lots of false pride. (My opinion).
One time it dawned on me, she was thinking, "just go off and die zoey, just so nothing reflects on ME. When time for me to make amends to her, she didn't understand S**t. WOW, this hit a nerve in me !
OK, now about Family week, you will love it,you will all be a bit frightened, but you will relate shortly and be best buddies, again my take on it. Always exceptions, but I think it will be fine.
We learn here we need lots of Al-Anon so we can handle the pain of people, places, and things.
Take some books and enjoy the motel.
This is just my thoughts, not really advise.
Wish I was going, lots to learn. HUGS
One time it dawned on me, she was thinking, "just go off and die zoey, just so nothing reflects on ME. When time for me to make amends to her, she didn't understand S**t. WOW, this hit a nerve in me !
OK, now about Family week, you will love it,you will all be a bit frightened, but you will relate shortly and be best buddies, again my take on it. Always exceptions, but I think it will be fine.
We learn here we need lots of Al-Anon so we can handle the pain of people, places, and things.
Take some books and enjoy the motel.
This is just my thoughts, not really advise.
Wish I was going, lots to learn. HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
I was able to visit my AH in rehab on weekends. If you (the patient) were attending all of your meetings and working hard at your recovery you were rewarded a 5 hours pass after you attended a family meeting. It was great. I got to meet all his buddies he talked about and they were all so nice and supportive to me. Lot's of different characters from different walks of life but the hope was palpable in the air. I hope you find your family visit as enjoyable as we did. 
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