mazey

My Psychologist keeps wanting to basically sort out why I stayed for 14 years... I know each of us has our own story, but I am struggling with why myself? I really think the reasons to leave just kept accumulating and finally, with the abuse being most significant and him wanting me to "die" was the end, the "done". Cuz with most of us, there is good and there is love to whatever degree, and bonds and etc. home ownership, legal issues. The fear of the unknown, lonliness although we all have the lonliness with them sometimes. I told the Dr. today, why do we have to keep talking about him, cuz I am trying not to include him in my thoughts so much. He says we need to so I don't put myself back in that situation either with him again(NO) or someone else. Do you understand? Been there? I know I am not prolly making this clear?. Just share with me....

deax

I've done a lot of thinking about this too. I think I stuck around for so long for a variety of reasons.
1. I'm a pretty intuitive and keen judge of character, and I really felt (and feel) that there was a good person under all the muck. This told me I would be safe with him and he would never hurt me, which was true- but it also allowed me to conveniently blind myself to the abundant red flags. I fell in love 100% with his potential.
2. My own low self esteem or low self worth made the idea of someone who NEEDED me so attractive. There was so much I could do for him- love him like no one else ever had, show everyone that they were wrong about him thereby giving him a second chance, teach him to read, give him a place where he 'fits,' etc. Plus, I'm smarter than him, I'm pretty and he was 'proud' to be with me, I have a decent job, things are pretty well put-together with me: I knew I had it all over him, and that superiority made me feel secure- which I hardly ever do. I knew he would never leave me; if one of us were to go, it'd be me. (And that was true, but when I first formulated that theory I didn't think my leaving would hurt ME so much!)
3. He was my project: the cliche held true for me. Investing all my energies into fix him left me little time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. That's all the fun stuff I get to do now.
4. He was my coming out party. I had never done anything that my mom/grandmother didn't want me to do, was becoming increasingly aware of my emotional dependence on my family's support and validation and was concerned at my lack of independence. So I entered into the most unacceptable, shocking relationship I could-- with someone who was also my mom's best friend's brother-in-law. This wasn't a purposeful act, but I list it because every time I broke up with him, in my top 3 reasons for getting back together would always be not giving my family and our other "enemies" the satisfaction, so clearly it was filling some need for me. He took me away from my reality with my family; but I only transferred my dependence and neediness from them to him- always looking for someone to make me feel worthy, enough, and that they REALLY DO love me. So self-defeating of me to choose him, he was bound to disappoint me and make me question his love.
4. I love him, I believe he loves me, and we had a special sort of bond, some beautiful moments, and a lot of fun together. It's hard to leave because during those times, it's hard to imagine that addiction can simply make none of it enough. But it does. Eventually justifying the lies and the lack of trust caught up with me and when I could excuse no longer, it had to end. But it still isn't easy.

Sorry I wrote so much, can you tell I spent a lot of time thinking about this too?

Tally

I think I "stick around" for a number of reasons

1. I love him.
2. I'm comfortable with him.
3. He makes me laugh.
4. I "hope" things will get better one day.
5. I hope he'll get better one day.
6. I feel sorry for him.
7. I don't want to be alone.
8. Low self esteem.
9. Frightened I'll miss him too much.
10. My daughter loves him.
11. Scared he'll find someone else.
12. Worried I might not "click" with anyone the same way..

There's prolly more but those are a few off the top of my head

xxx

mfisher

Because I said "I do" and "I did".
I was raised that you stayed in a marriage and worked things out. For better or worse, sickness and health blah blah blah, they really need to have an alcoholism clause in those vows.
I stayed because I loved him, I stayed for the kids, I stayed for house, I stayed because I actually thought one day he would stop the insanity for us.
I could not believe that a person could do this to a family.
23 years of my life is such a puzzle.
Somedays I wake up and really cannot believe what happened!

Pick-a-name

Same reasons..........same disbelief some days,too (just a few years longer)

Debbie

Love........and hope that one day all will be good.......I committed myself to him.......maybe I should have been committed........but it was all my choice......sigh......I sometimes wonder if I would do it the same way.

prodigal

Why have I stayed? One of the main reasons is because I grew up in a house with crazy people who were consistently inconsistent, parents who were adult children of alcoholics, I got used to all the drama and chaos, and I got used to both of my parents having life-threatening eating disorders that eventually killed them both. I remember as a kid my father's entire existence seemed to revolve around eating: going out do dinner, going on vacations looking for a place to have THREE square (and somewhat large) meals a day, while my mother literally picked at saltine crackers and ate a crabmeat cocktail for dinner.

She died from anorexia (heart gave out) and he died from a massive stroke brought on by obesity and high-blood pressure.

Needless to say, being with an addict is "normal" to me. Trying to "fix" my parents by glomming onto abusive, addicted, emotionally unavailable men, is my messed-up way of trying to rectify the childhood I never had. THIS TIME I CAN FIX IT. THIS TIME I WON'T BE THE ONE TO BLAME.

So here I sit with an A who makes attempts to blame me for his addiction. I don't buy into that garbage anymore, but I still try to control him and make him see the light.

My parents did a major number on my head. I'm better than I was 10 years ago, but I'm still climbing up that hill and afraid to jump off in a leap of faith. For people like me, something is better than nothing.

Starving people make lousy shoppers ....

mazey

Thanks for the sincere posts. I agree.... Sometimes I think alot of people, not just the therapists, do not understand the "bond" we have. AND, it is very difficult to explain to them, cuz I wasn't entirely sure why I did, love, bond but then it just slowly dwindled.

best

I have seen (from the other side of the fence) it was love, hope, and commitment.
Fear, doubt, $$, loneliness were only surface reasons.

Love, hope, and commitment are what brought us back together when I straightened out my act as well.

caughtup

YES! This is why I stay, when I know that as my daughter tells me "I can do better" He has so many good qualities ... things he does that my ex, sober as he was would never have done for me ... makes me feel special ... and the bad, I just hope that one day it will all be good ... this is why I say right now I don't see a future with him, but I am not ready to leave either ... I have hope, hope of a future ... some day that may change ... but for now .. this works (most of the time)

CatsPajamas

I stayed because I had hope that the better would get better and the worse would subside or at least be bearable. I have many friends in recovery who say they stay married one day at a time. And that works for them.

Hugs
Cat

mazey

I believe all those reasons are why....the optimism we all have is extra-ordinary. Then, sometimes the hope becomes less 'n less, and along with the fact that the love changes in some relationships.

So Confused

Came across This and WOW! I laughed at first because I related to falling in love with their potential.. So many people ask me why I stay. This is harder for them to understand because we are not married. Both have been though. A relationship that has a great deal involved. We have helped eachother through so much things we would not normally do without Cheering eachother on I try to explain it is because I said I would stand by his side! I told him I loved him! I said I respect who you are and where you are. I will never judge you but accept you for you. I guess when these people ask me this question it is because it would be easier to just walk away. Then my word is what? I meant what I said. It may not happened as often as I would like but when he finally lifts his head up to smile because it is a better day I want to be right there to offer him a smile back, some reassurance it will be ok there is a plan. Nice to know some people as hard as things get and god knows they get a little crazy, we can stand our ground for a committment we made. BRAVO PEOPLE BRAVO!!!

aussiee

Because - everything else clicks

But now we've split - and the pain is unbearable - but not as bad as the pain of him hurting me.

mazey

Oh, Aussie, sorry you are in pain....it is so tough. It is a loss in our lives, even if it shouldn't seem like a loss, cuz often we have actually lost way before the actual "act" of ending.