guyinNC

I still dream of her. I think of her every night before I go to sleep, my first thoughts when I wake.

But she is gone, choosing a new life over me and the kids.... Wine and her rehab lover. I cannot seem to get closure. I just would like know the answer to a couple of questions. I understand not loving me, but how can you abandon the kids? Do you just hurt so bad, you bury your past? Or do you just don't care?

Even if she told me, I would not know what to believe. Alcoholics lie, thats what they do.

Twenty years gone like it didn't mean a thing.

No answers........never will be. No therapist can help with this, no words from a pastor or friend. It simply is........something that you, rather I, must live with.............

mallowcup

Do you really love her or do you NEED to make something sour, sweet? Doesn't the idea of some kind of happy ending mean everything made sense in the end?

historyteach

(((Guy)))
I'm so sorry for your pain...

It's one day at a time. YOu're going through the grieving process. It'll take time. And the first year will be the most difficult as you go through each "occassion" without her.

You and the children will make new traditions. Give yourself and the children permission to grieve and grow. In the end, you will be all right. Changed; wounded, but, ok. And life will continue.

Shalom!

guyinNC

I do love her, but I do not expect or want to put my marriage back together after all that has happened. I just cannot understand abandoning the kids. It makes me question who this person is now.

I could sooner cut off my arm before leaving my kids. No person, no drug could make me leave them.

For her to act like this.... is like learning the world is flat. It makes me question if I ever really knew her. I know alcohol is powerful........but can anything separate a mother from her child, unless something more fundamental is wrong in her soul.

Its hard to get your head around!

denny57

Someone who is deeper in her disease. I've learned to not expect "normal" from someone under the influence.

I've never been an addict, but I'm going to hazard a guess most would say this before the disease progresses to the point where they do, indeed, leave.

I've heard stories in open AA meetings where parents chose alcohol over their children. It's insidious. I've heard alcohol numbs the soul just like everything else it touches.

I'm sorry for your pain, guy. I believe you could get help from a therapist for this, only because I did. If you had one where it didn't help, try again. I loved AH very much. Therapy has helped me separate the two: the man and the disease. It has brought a lot of peace to my life and I hope you can find that peace too.

Hugs to you and your children.

FormerDoormat

I don't think anything is fundamentally wrong with her soul. I think something is fundamentally wrong with her head--it's saturated with a mind-altering substance and she's physically and emotionally ill.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, Guy, but the pain does ease in time. How are your children coping?

Pick-a-name

Guy..I am so sorry. I feel very much the same; was talking to my doctor about this today. Alanon and therapy were his suggestions,too.

Truthfully.I question our 30yrs until I think about the neglect of the kids...then I am bolted back into the reality of what has already been shared...he is mentally and emotionally (physically,too) very,very sick. A "bad reaction" if-you-will to a chemical he ingested (and has ingested for many years to the point of saturating his brain and entire body). THAT is how they do what they do. Very tragic for everyone concerned.

I ache because of this,too. Sorry you have this grief..please know lots/all of us here understand. (((guy and family)))

WantsOut

The saddest part is the smoldering regret that you know will come one day ... it always seems that at some point they realize what they've done and try to make amends. But when it comes to kids it's too late.

It is the booze, you know it's the booze. It seems like a panacea to her now, but she'll learn in horrible, due time. I'll say a prayer for you both.

blizzard77

I can feel your pain, grief and anger. Just want you to know I'm thinking about yu and your kids. Hang in there.

JessicaNAJ

I'm sorry for your pain......

So Confused

Sorry to hear of your pain. I understand the helpless feeling and the need to understand. I have found that as you go through a process you understand it in bits. Actually it comess clearer as time goes on but nothing appears clear at first. I know it seems endless but try and remember one day at a time. I would agree with the therapist, the children are going to need your love. The important thing is you are healthy for your children and yourself. So many people tell me to keep the focus on me and not what I cannot possibly understand or control.. It is hard I will admitt but the tools your gain in the end are priceless. It just takes time to get from one point to the next it will all come in time. You are all in my prayers

SC

CatsPajamas

Guy,

I am sorry to hear of your pain as well. Alcohol and Drugs make people do really awful things.... and they are in so much pain and in such a bad place that they can't love themselves, let alone anyone else.

I hope that you and your children can find some help, some serenity and some peace.

Hugs
Cat

sadface

Guy, just want to let you know I understand your pain. I know my AH loves my son, but i also understand, at this time, nothing is more important to him than alcohol. No wife, children, or friends make him feel like alcohol. He is slowly killing himself and he doesn't care. Take care of yourself and your children. As long as they feel loved whether it is from you or your husband.

prodigal

Right now you're trying to make rational sense out of the irrational. Of course you want to understand the why's of this situation. Sadly, the addict doesn't even understand, let alone ponder, the why's. I'm going through this and I cannot fathom it. On the other hand, the addict in my life thinks I'm talking in some strange foreign tongue. Dry drunk or wet, they're pretty much like this.

I know you want answers in order to ease your pain, but right now there are no answers. As simplistic as this sounds, all you can do is focus on your children and get into recovery for yourself. You need to let go of the resentments, pain, and confusion - the toll it takes on you after living with an addict.

Cynay

Ohhhhh sweetie....

Even if she could give you answers it would not make sense to you because your not an Alcoholic..... You have to write your own closure.

You know, I was thinking about what I could and could not do where my daughter is concerned. If I felt worthless and that my presents in her life was more harmful then good...... then ya as a mother I love her enough that I would be able to stay away..... The sad part is one feeds the other and in time she is so numb that she might not find her way back out of that dark place.

But that is her .... not you or the kids. You can love her and know that she is just sick hon.... Time will help and until then please take good care of yourself and the kids.

rivercitybelle

It's hard to believe that some folks seem to think children are disposable.

I had a friend tell me it was good I didn't understand it. Her reasoning was if you can understand it, if you can identify that emotion or lack there of, that there was a part of you that was capable of being like that and would I really want to be that type of person.
I'm not sure if I explained that right.
My exAH's ex wife (sober) packed up their eight year old one day after school on a friday, took him to the airport put him on a plane across country and called us to say he was on his way to us in NYC from California. She hung up and didn't answer the phone for 4 days. The big problem being she forgot to tell us airport, time and airline.... luckily we were able to call around and find him (this was 20+years ago). I could never understand it. I thought maybe when my son was 8 I might get insight into WHY she sent her only son away. To this day I have no answers. And thats okay because to me, children aren't disposable.

fartheralong

Hugs and prayers to you, Guy. I don't understand it either. I know there aren't answers, I KNOW that, but sometimes it's hard not to ask that 'WHY?????' question--at least for me (which I know, in my case, is pointless). I like what rivercitybelle's friend said--that does make sense. Maybe we're not supposed to understand it, and it's just better that way. Or as you put it, it just is.

Keeping you and your kids in my prayers.
FA

Krys_wyo

Children arent disposable, they just dont need to be there when we try to dispose of ourselves.

Im a recovering alcoholic mother of three, i am also the sister to a full blown 3 liter of vodka a day man.
Im glad my brother doesnt have kids.
Guy,
I was almost your wife, although i wasnt going to leave them my husband was going to take them, i choose sobriety and my family, i wish all could but some are just to far gone.
I rely on this forum alot, mostly i read over here for my brothers sake, but i post on the newbie site for my own sake, both sides helps alot.
I am sorry us alcoholics cause so much pain, personally i tell my kids and hubby everyday i am sorry for what i have done and put them through.
And i am sorry for all you all are going through.
God bless you all for keeping it together.

PaperDolls

I'm sorry you are in such pain guy. My mother turned into a different person when she was in the depths of her alcoholism. I didn't know her at all. It was her. It was the booze.

You're right ... there really are no answers. As most do, we look for answers, we need answers for everything. Unfortunately, sometimes they just aren't there.

Continue to be strong for your children. They need you. Therapy isn't a bad idea either....for all of you.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

hugs,
doll

mfisher

I go through my days of grieving, something has been taken that I will never get back. My dreams, my plans have all changed and somedays that is just a real hard pill to swallow.
I just move on and be thankful for what I have.
I know I will probably never get over the loss and I have to create my own closure.
To understand my ex's thinking is a head scratcher and impossible.
I will never be able to accept this person back into my life in the role they held in the past, but this person will always be a part of my life, you just can't delete 23 years.
What the future brings who knows? I have no control over that and can only wait and see.