scootinbabe

just read a post from the family and friends forum. the poster could have been writing about me. and it was horrible. my little-oh-so-proud-of-myself-haven't been-drinking world just fell in. i have done so much to hurt my family--neglected so much and so many in my life. how do i repay all the damage? how can i hold my head up?

i know, i know--work the steps, don't drink...blah blah. logically, i guess i know what to do. but, ohmigoodness--how do i cope with the emotions and guilt about what i've done??? i feel like a total sh*t, bad mom, bad wife, irresponsible, selfish, lazy @ss--you-name-it. and, believe me, it's deservedly so.

how do you cope with the knowledge of what you've done? what can you do to make it up? and pleasegod, how do you do it sober? how do you face up to your ugly-self sober? i'm sure that this is part of the process but i need some insight and wisdom here.

thanks for letting me vent,

Chy

You cope with the knowledge by knowing that you can't change the past and it's part of your experiance. You get up proudly each morning sober and look square in the mirror and say "Today will be a good day, I will be the best that I can be in all my affairs"....slowly, day by day, the trust and faith is restored. Letting go is the hard part, moving forward is easy. *hugs*

GreenTea

My evil twin is a drunk, and he's me... I don't let him out to play anymore. Its a start.

best

I like paying forward and doing today what I should have done yesterday.
The things we all did are in yesterday. We can't change them, we can only learn from them.

For today I will strive to be the best husband and father I can be.
Today I will strive to help others so that they may know a way to get out of the hole that we dig at times.

Can't change yesterday but I can make today the best day I know how to make it. With what I learn today, tomorrow will be even better.(I hope)
We have today...stay in the day.

Chy

*LOL* HI Best! Cluster post! *hugs*

best

Thought I was the only one answering and Pop...I see fast typers get there first *LOL*

best

scootinbabe what do you have for a scoot?

michski

I am continually bowled over by posts written by "the other side" of our disease. It took me a couple of years for my husband and loved ones to begin to relax around my behavior. It drove me nuts because they were always suspicious.. looking into my eyes and freaking out if my door was locked! They had the right to be, after all I had screwed with their life for quite a few years.

((( scootinbabe))) It's your actions that signal to others who you are. We can all go round and round in our minds with all the reasons, excuses and justifications for why we've done what we've done but if we don't act like we care then no one will think we care. I've helped to remedy the wreckage of my past by remaining clean and sober and part of the payback was as I became less self absorbed I began to regain the trust, love and respect of those dear people who took care of me and feared for me for such a long time.
Over time the action of choosing those people over a bottle/bag seemed to help remedy just about everything including my guilt. Hope it works the same way for you!

Anna

It IS really hard to deal with the reality of what we've done to our families and friends when we become sober. But, it's part of the process. Take a hard look at it, recognize it as what you did in the past and try to move on. Each day will get better.

Musky

I've avoided that forum up to this point. I know there are threads in there that would cause me to panic. Until I've gotten to the point where my wife is much more relaxed, and believes this attempt at sobriety is the real thing, I can't visit the land where her major disappointments and regrets reside.

I hope to visit and clean up there at some point in the future, just not yet.

Kevin

best

Hello Kevin

It may take a life time or it may take a few weeks.
I am taking no chances and will strive to prove my actions for life...one day at a time.
When you are ready, what you find may help you understand areas that you may do well to talk and put into action the things that she may feel or thing.
What is there can be a tool, we don't need fear it. When ready...look at it as a tool not an area of guilt.

scootinbabe

best--i have two vespas. used to have three. all classic. don't ride as much as i used to (can't accommodate carseats-lol!), but still love them.

scootinbabe

thanks everyone! i know that i have to prove myself in sobriety and earn back trust. i just don't know what to do with the pain of knowing how i hurt my family and the damage i may have done over the years. it is so hard to look at myself through another's filter and feel their pain. i've lost a lot of respect from people i love. i've lost a lot of respect--if i had any in the first place--in myself. i intellectually know that i am on a journey to win that respect back, but emotionally it is hard to live with the knowledge of what i've done. some of the things and relationships may be beyond rescue. anyhow, i'll rack it up to "part of the process" and i know that i am only scratching the surface of a much bigger iceberg that will surface again sometime in my future. it's gonna be harder before it gets easier.

wasn't it nice to be able to crawl into a glass and escape? living is such hard work...

don't worry, i'm not quitting!!!

Arura

Thanks for bringin it up ((scoot)). I also understand that the Big mistakes that ive made in my life has affected my Family n Friends...! Massively ...!

During my active addiction I had to ASK my mum if she would take my 'Children' for me as i was not givin them what they needed...!

Gratefully she said YES...! I understand that she changed her life for me...! Despite all the troubled water thats under that bridge, she still took on my life for me .. . I dont know if she will ever understand how i feel but i do know how she has made sacrifices for me. Shes doin an Amazing job with them aswell...! Im proud of her.

I just wish I could make her proud of me...!

Thanks ((scoot)) for letting me share that...XxXxXxxx...!

Kellye C

Here's a couple of things that may help or at least they have helped me.

For the distrust of loved ones - ACTIONS speak louder than words. They've heard us say the words over and over and seen us fail. The ACT of staying sober on a daily basis and the changes that come from sobriety speak volumes that words never could.

As far as past behaviors hurting our loved ones, this is what I told my kids and I've told them several times. I have apologized for past wrongs and told them that if I could go back and change them that I would. I know that I can't so the very best that I can do for them is to not repeat them. This is known as a living amends. This is an amends I perform every day that I wake up sober and treat people well.

What you are feeling is common and I hope the responses you've received help somewhat. There is no sense beating yourself up for past mistakes, just go forward doing the VERY best you can.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery that is why today is a PRESENT!!!

Hugs,
Kellye

Lilya

"i just don't know what to do with the pain of knowing how i hurt my family and the damage i may have done over the years. it is so hard to look at myself through another's filter and feel their pain."

Take courage, Scootinbabe. You´re on the road to recovery when you realize this. I´m an ex-junkie and alcholic, clean and sober for 20 years this September. It took me a long time to realize that I had caused anyone pain. The denial around that was amzing. I lived on the streets of cities in Europe and Marocco. Had a child that was taken from me by the authorities. All that caused my family a terrible pain.

When I decided to become clean and sober, I was told by a wise person that "everything that is taken from you will reappear in a different form - if you have the courage to accept it." I have now earned most of what I lost and more.

It took actions, rather than words, thanks Kelly. I had to look at what had happen to me in a sober light to sort out all the nonsense. I had to recognize that I had to take responsability for my own action, also that I had put myself at risk with my reckless behaviour and contributed to my misfortune.

When I had finally admitted that, I worked at gaining back the respect I had lost one day at a time.

Good luck!

Love and light,

Dreamz

The fact that you're sober now - proves to all your loved ones that you're sorry for things that happened and you aren't that person anymore!!!

Hang in there!!!

ibhmn

Thanks for this thread...This is my nightmare. I'll never get those years back that my kids grew up before my blurry eyes...

Chy

This used to be one of my greatest regrets to ibhmn.. I get that. Now sober a few 24 hours now I have had the greatest experiances in sharing my childrens lives. Finally, being emotionally available as well as physically available to them. My daughter now 24 who endured her entire life with a drunk mom always loved me, still loves me, has never once told me I was a bad mom. My son who is 15 seems to remember it differently but also still loves me. Our kids will always love us and once grown understand we were just a little sick at the time. The greatest joy I have today with my children and husband is rebuilding sober memories. We'll kill ourselves with despair before the drink if we don't allow ourselves to forgive ourself. Forgiveness of self and love for self is a slow process, baby steps will take you miles in achieving this.

Each day sober is a reason to walk with your head held high. *hugs*

greeteachday

As a mom of addicts who is alsdo working hard on my own recovery, I just wanted to jump in here and echo what Jansie said. For me, I had to learn to separate the disease from the children I love and that helped me during the active stages. When my oldest daughter found sobriety, her actions each day spoke to me. Trust IS rebuilt and there are many days now where she helps me to grow in my recovery by seeing her handle life on life's terms.
Regretably my younger daughter did not make it, but I was and will always be so very proud that both my daughters recognized their disease and both fought hard to try to keep the beast at bay and address not just the drugs or alcohol, but the underlying addictive traits.

Each and everyone of you that tries each day to live that day clean and sober and make positive changes in your lives have a strength and commitment that many people not faced with the challenge of addiction will never grow into in their lifetimes. Keep looking forward and yes, actions are the key. I know it is difficult not to feel shame or guilt for what happened in addiction - both as addicts and as codependents who also did some shameful things because we thought we could control the addict, but we can not change the past. I pray that the pride in your accomplishments today will help you to learn to love yourself more completely and heal the relationships with those you love. Hugs and prayers