mertyl

hi everyone. I really need to post this morning.

I am just so messed up emotionally and am having a really hard time with my sobriety. I feel as if i am never going to get better. Meetings? Sure. But when your whole life is crumbling around you, and u arent sure if its the drink making it like that, or the fact the u aren't drinking to cope with things making it harder, its hard to go to a meeting without bawling your eyes out. And i understand that happens there, because its like a homecoming, but the reasons arent the same as everyone elses, i feel like a fake.
so i have come to my safe spot to post and get everything off my chest.
I feel like a bad country song. I have lost my man for good, my dog because she is better off where he is. My car is in rough shape and now i have to move out of "my house" because i can't afford to stay here on my own. The only thing i have left is my job, and i called in today because my emotions are so terrible it would be a risk to be driving a semi and crying.
I am sure everyone here has looked around and gone"What the F is going on here?" I have tried so hard to make everything right and in the process, forgotten about myself.
I am having a very hard time letting my xbf go. He has come and gone in the last week and a half. Just when you think things may work out with some counselling together, it just falls apart. I love him so much that it is hurting my heart to even write this stuff. And i hate the way things have turned out. No matter how much you love someone, the worst beats the best and you have to let go. I never wanted to let go. But there are too many factors to list and i cant take all the blame anymore.
I hate my freaking life right now so bad. What am i gonna do? i dont think i have been a quitter but i just feel very defeated today. i am even feeling like this is a waste, to be here typing, although i know that when i am done i might feel better. I already broke my phone into two pieces, threw a bunch of things last night. my destructiveness isn't helping things. My anger is fading, just sadness left.
Today is the two year anniversary of the day we met. And I can't believe how messed up everything is. And now i am mad that i am letting this hurt so much.
So i guess that this post is so useless, but it made me realize that i dont want to be alone right now. I need a huge, gigantic hug from my ma or a friend. I need to cry all day and just let it out and tomorrow, wake up and go to work and move forward. I just dont want to try anymore today.


thanks for reading.
mertyl:

Candy Scratch

((((((Mertyl)))))) Go ahead and cry. I'm standing right beside you, rubbing your neck and making you a cup of tea. Breaking up is hard to do. You say you tried so hard to make things right, you forgot about yourself. Maybe now is the time to focus on yourself and make things right about you and FOR you. You are so worth it. I think there is a natural grieving process that you need to go through before things start to feel better. Be kind to yourself. Keep posting. We are here for you, Mertyl.

Love and hugs,
Candy Scratch

NEEDTOBESOBER

Hang in there and go ahead and cry. Crying helps release bad feelings and stress. I am sorry about your loss. I am sure it is hard especially when trying to stay sober. I also have a lot of stress surrounding me, I have my ups and downs, still get depressed usually it is in the evening or later at night. Things will get better, maybe it was for the best-but I dont know, only time will tell. Be good to yourself, do something you enjoy or something. Hugs to you, Anne

scootinbabe

oh sweetie! glad you came here and vented. i hope just getting it out helped. you ARE going through a rough patch now. but you ARE staying sober and that's is one good thing that you can give yourself and hold your head up about.

candy is right...there is a process that you go through as relationship breaks down. go ahead and feel your emotions. it's natural. you WILL get through.

we'll be holding you up in thought and prayer!

**{hugs}}

OnceNice

Mertyl - I agree with Candy Scratch, cry, be sad, eat ice cream. Be mad, be angry, but also remember to be kind to yourself.
Break ups are terrible. Loss of animals are terrible. Finances are terrible, but they are all things that can be taken care of with time. Time, the one thing all of us in the world have is the amount of time the good Lord has given us. Take some time to focus on yourself. When I had my terrible break up. I of course drank like a fish and was just god awful and blamed myself for everything the possessive Bas# ard did to me. But now that he's gone I'm still struggling with my addiction, but at least he's not there. I need to work on myself first. And hopefully the rest will fall into place.
Do something nice for yourself. Give yourself a little treat. Something small. A walk in the park maybe. Lots of free things in the world. Nature is pretty free.

I feel for you. Break ups are awful. Someone always gets hurt. But remember, they say the best way to get over someone is to better yourself. Don't let another person bring you down.

Take care. I undersand and hope I was not out of line in anything I said.

leviathon

(((MERTYL))) Please take this hug as some small comfort, if we were all there with you I am sure you would have more hugs than you know what to do with.

I empathize with your struggles. I know when I finally got sober life was so messed up that it really began to unravel. A year later, it has levelled out and I am in a way better place, but I first had to go through that year of unravelling (well six to eight months). The trip was worth it.

Peace and Hugs, Levi

miss communicat

aw (((((Mertyl))))

I am SORRY you are having such a hard time, but I am really glad that you are staying with us, sharing about it, crying over it and feeling your way THROUGH it instead of numbing it out.

This is why in AA we say its a "we" program of recovery. Even if you don't use AA, it seems to be true that recovery requires the help of others. And a connecttion to a higher power whether you call it god or not doesnt matter.

And, as Oncenice says, TIME.

In time you will see things that you arent able to today. Allow yourself the grace period right now of feeling fragile and letting us help you til you feel stronger!

Erin

Hey Mertyl
Break ups SUCK!!! If you feel lousy and need to cry - cry. You'll feel better over time. Booze isn't going to help!!!

My boyfriend and I broke up at the same time as I quit drinking. It was hard but I'm feeling better. Just takes time.

You're going to be alright. No one has ever died from a break up. They've died from drinking but not a break up.

Hope you're taking care of yourself.

c'est la vie

((((((((((mertyl)))))))))))
I'm glad you're here sharing. It really deflates the obsession to put words out on paper like you've done. I hope it helped. If it didn't, then write some more - it can't hurt.

eire rose

Hi Mertyl

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, it takes time.

[quote=mertyl

I have lost my man for good, my dog because she is better off where he is. My car is in rough shape and now i have to move out of "my house" because i can't afford to stay here on my own. The only thing i have left is my job, and i called in today because my emotions are so terrible it would be a risk to be driving a semi and crying.

[/quote]

I was thinking when I read this, imagine having to do or deal with all this stuff with a hangover. It takes a while for the dust to settle and everything to fall into place, just know that you are doing the right thing by being sober.

Hang in there, everything will be ok

Love, Rose

mertyl

thank you all. I dont know where i would be without all of this. this is the worst day i think i have had in my whole life. I still cant believe it is really over. for good. the end. its been over so many times before, but this is really it. i guess...well, have any of you ever had so much drama in your life that it began to feel normal? and i dont mean all self inflicted drama. i mean drama that is created by others that you feel you have no control over?
All i want to know is when will the good times stop the movie in my head? How can i turn my mental dvd player off? How can i go forward without this drama that i am so used to? Please, dont cringe. Just try to understand that this peacefulness i am about to feel, even though the breakup saddens me to no end, is going to be very strange.
Is it possible to know that i wont have to answer anyones questions? or question them? Is is real that i will only have to look out for me? No man, no dog? My home, which i will have to uproot, has not been real for the last few months?
I came back to the computer because i was actually having a panic attack!! I was shaking so bad and my heart racing. I went to the store to get pop and found that i was so angry driving that if i didnt calm myself soon, i could have hurt myself or someone else. and this is what i do for a living. so, as much as it peeves me, i think i will take the rest of the week off so i dont injure someone. put a plan into action and follow through.
I think i found the anger phase again. LOL. i am not gonna allow someone to take this away again.

thank you all again so much
mertyl

Erin

Hey Mertyl
You're GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!!!

You are going to feel so GOOD that you did it without drinking.

Get a punching bag. I'm thinking of buying one. Go see a movie - Little Miss Sunshine is super funny.

Men aren't worth loosing your sobriety over.

mertyl

one last thing. I guess want validation, even though thats the addict in me speaking, that i dont have to take all the blame for this garbage. i feel even though it is extremely selfish of me to ask for that, i dont care. cause i cant handle the weight on my shoulders anymore. Please tell me that no matter how much you try, things dont sometimes work out.

mertyl

i wanted to see little miss sunshine. looks hilarious. thank you. a punching bag right at this moment might not be good. have a great day.

gymrat

I feel your pain Mertyl. Remember we only have today, not that that usually helps in these situations but that is what everyone tells me. I too am suffering and thanks to your post it got me out of myself. Being sober is tough but what alternative do we have. I don't want to die, do you. I hate being in my own skin right now, maybe we could help each other. Hang tough. I see myself in you. We can make it. Let's pray for another wober day.

Sugah

Mertyl....

You talked about going to meetings, so you're familiar with the steps. There comes a point in the steps where we hand all that stuff that we can't handle, manage, deal with over to a power greater than ourselves. Gets it off our shoulders while we catch our breath and sort our part of it out. I think you're going to find that there isn't any "blame" to assign. You'll see your part, you'll probably see his part and anyone else who's involved (though it won't be up to you to point it out to them -- we own our own stuff, let others own theirs), and you'll know what you're responsible for. Right now, your biggest responsibility is the willingness not to pick up a drink. If you have the willingness, your higher power will provide the strength.

Oh, and another thing -- don't worry about crying at meetings. I have seen more true emotions flow in that one hour between the serenity prayer and the closing than any other place I've spent significant time. It's okay to say, "My life is falling apart and I want to stay sober -- HELP!" I came into recovery with similar circumstances as yours. I was in a place where I felt trapped, and I didn't have my "comfort" anymore. I found new and more effective comfort that helped me to grow and live -- not exist and wait for death. This will all be okay -- if you don't drink, for that will surely make it worse, but you gotta want it. If you didn't want it, I don't think you'd be here asking for help.

I'll say a prayer for you, mertyl -- right now.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Lollipop

Mertyl,
Hang in there and stay strong, I am so sorry your going through all of this. Take care of you!
Love Liss

Erin

Hey Mertyl
Little Miss Sunshine was so funny!!!! I laughed until I cried.

I love movies so if I'm feeling really, really, really crummy - bag of nachos/salsa and movies.

Oh and it takes two to break up a relationship - not one - so it's not your responsibility completely.

Take care of yourself.

upanddownjj

Oh Mertyl...I'm so sorry you are hurting..But so happy for you that you didn't have to drink over it, that you are going to meetings...learning other coping mechanisms...WOW...Big Progress huh???

Regarding Crying at meetings....I hear you..Even without a breakup..I must have cried the first 6 months to a year of my sobriety..We have a Woman's Center here - so I could go to all womens meetings every day....
As much as I wanted to share - every time I tried to open my mouth.....
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, blubber, sniffffff, sniffffle, (and whatever that noise is from your nose to a Kleenex)
People just kept handing me the box and hugging me after the meeting - at which point I'd start bawling again....Even today..When I know one of my Sisters in Sobriety REALLY Cares for me...and they hug me or say something loving...I have to bite my lip..The tears are right there...For me it is still the idea of that Unconditional Love that we receive at our meetings..not from everyone...some are healthier than others...But we get it........We see each others pain and really understand....

Love from a Sister in Sobriety

Dreamz

Just sit on your bed and cry as loud as you can - make a big scene out of it because you need to just let it all out then you can start on helping yourself!!!!!

I hate feeling sad and helpless so I'm sending you "not alone" vibes!!!!