SOFT FOR THE GIRLS or TOUGH FOR THE GUYS?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
SOFT FOR THE GIRLS or TOUGH FOR THE GUYS?
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
We always think that women and girls are to be soft, pretty, dainty and yet we can be just as rough and tough as the guys. Same thing for the guys. They are to be rough, tough, cool and yet they can be just as affectionate loving and tender as the women.
Women associate many thing with emotions. Do the men do the same at times? Men are to be tough and not to show emotions at all. But yet they do at times.
I for myself love soft frilly things and yet i come across as being a strong person. With my job at the grocery store, i show up all fresh and pretty or presentable for my customers. During the day i go out in the elements, whether it be rain, sleet, snow, heat...im out there picking up carts and can pull in as many as 10 of them at one time. YES..! lol So i make quite a few trips to the ladies room to freshen up to maintain looking fresh.
I often wonder why i continue to want to be tough and strong. Is it a front to ward off people from getting to close to me? I dont like being tough all the time but i do. Even when i go to the store, i have this air about me that if u look at me ...well u just better not....but that doent happen all the time...i do like attention....yeah that's it it's an attention getter.....lol Strange.
As for my spouse....i have told him that he can talk as much as a woman can....he loves to sit and gab or talk talk talk....maybe is because he and i dont talk or communicate very well....i mean we laugh and chit chat but nothing heavy. He even likes doing housework ironing better than outside work or repair work.....whats wrong with that picture?
Maybe i should have been born a man and he a woman....lol
Your thoughts are welcome of course. : )
We always think that women and girls are to be soft, pretty, dainty and yet we can be just as rough and tough as the guys. Same thing for the guys. They are to be rough, tough, cool and yet they can be just as affectionate loving and tender as the women.
Women associate many thing with emotions. Do the men do the same at times? Men are to be tough and not to show emotions at all. But yet they do at times.
I for myself love soft frilly things and yet i come across as being a strong person. With my job at the grocery store, i show up all fresh and pretty or presentable for my customers. During the day i go out in the elements, whether it be rain, sleet, snow, heat...im out there picking up carts and can pull in as many as 10 of them at one time. YES..! lol So i make quite a few trips to the ladies room to freshen up to maintain looking fresh.
I often wonder why i continue to want to be tough and strong. Is it a front to ward off people from getting to close to me? I dont like being tough all the time but i do. Even when i go to the store, i have this air about me that if u look at me ...well u just better not....but that doent happen all the time...i do like attention....yeah that's it it's an attention getter.....lol Strange.
As for my spouse....i have told him that he can talk as much as a woman can....he loves to sit and gab or talk talk talk....maybe is because he and i dont talk or communicate very well....i mean we laugh and chit chat but nothing heavy. He even likes doing housework ironing better than outside work or repair work.....whats wrong with that picture?
Maybe i should have been born a man and he a woman....lol
Your thoughts are welcome of course. : )
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 10
I guess there always has to be a balance in a healthy relationship. People compliment each other, what one lacks the other makes up for and vice versa.
It's great for a woman to have no fear in displaying strength, physical and emotional. A man can find that very attractive at times. Nothing wrong with that.
It's great for a woman to have no fear in displaying strength, physical and emotional. A man can find that very attractive at times. Nothing wrong with that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
I think some people need to *toughen* up and some people need to *soften* up. This goes beyond gender. I am one, for example, that needs to soften up. I have spent my whole life being so independent, self-sufficient and strong, that I have lost track of my heart and my emotions. So, for me, recovery is a process of reconnecting my head and heart. My best friend, however, is just the opposite. She wears her heart on her sleeve and often gets emotionally bumped and bruised.
As to the masculine / feminine thing, here too is an opposite example. I am very feminine on the outside (make-up, nails, hair, clothes, jewelery, etc.) yet very masculine in my work and in how I deal with life (self-directed, ambitious, strong, speak my mind, etc.) My sister is the exact opposite! She looks and dressed very masculine, yet she is a caretaker - very emotional, caring, supportive and nurturing.
I think that the most important thing for ALL of us is to integrate and balance our feminine and masculine sides. We all have both and each is important. I also think this is a lifetime process - it is for me, anyway!
Hmm... just goes to show that you really can't judge based on appearances, huh?
As to the masculine / feminine thing, here too is an opposite example. I am very feminine on the outside (make-up, nails, hair, clothes, jewelery, etc.) yet very masculine in my work and in how I deal with life (self-directed, ambitious, strong, speak my mind, etc.) My sister is the exact opposite! She looks and dressed very masculine, yet she is a caretaker - very emotional, caring, supportive and nurturing.
I think that the most important thing for ALL of us is to integrate and balance our feminine and masculine sides. We all have both and each is important. I also think this is a lifetime process - it is for me, anyway!
Hmm... just goes to show that you really can't judge based on appearances, huh?
Trying to do the right thing.
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 4,345
phew thats my relationship...! my b/f is a domestic goddess...? YEY.! 
I think Phinny is right, you go soft or hard which ever you need to survive.!
I Had to toughen up. as i was liveing and hanging around with a hard crowd. But in the beginging of my addiction I thought,...? that all the other addicts i knew were happy. It was only me, who hated it...! and used for a reason.
I truley belived that for so long.The world was full of happy heroin addicts...lol. How wrong was I...!
As i had to beg for money or steal, i was always with the boys, i work hard, i used to drink hard n Play hard, but for all that... ALL I wanted was to wear a pretty dress.!
Have long hair n look as beautiful as i could...!
I Looked like a boy...!
I would sit begging for hours watching the ladys walk by...! dreaming of being these woman with nice lives n No habit...! just wishing my life away.!Litralely...! poof gone.
I had also been in a few nasty relationships by then as well so by now im kicking back at them in a way that i was crazy. Taking on a man...?
Then wondering why i was on the floor or in ER again or Arressted...!
My anger is still an issue but nothing like it was...! I dont like men pushing me around, Its all ive known. From Rape to beatings. So yer i got angry at the world of men,.! after the habits n lifestyes have been dropped im working on anger Regularley, with my Key-worker n, my saint like b/f who loves me dearley.but runs for cover once per month now.
Its down to me to forgive n move on with certain things, all i can do is work thro it as it comes up for me. In the best way possiable. Not to judge someone on there gender.!
These days I am now one of them women who walk by looking beautiful,in a dress...
. its great when i walk past old spots i know from begging n think ... I DID IT...
Thanks for letting me share...X
I think Phinny is right, you go soft or hard which ever you need to survive.!
I Had to toughen up. as i was liveing and hanging around with a hard crowd. But in the beginging of my addiction I thought,...? that all the other addicts i knew were happy. It was only me, who hated it...! and used for a reason.
I truley belived that for so long.The world was full of happy heroin addicts...lol. How wrong was I...!
As i had to beg for money or steal, i was always with the boys, i work hard, i used to drink hard n Play hard, but for all that... ALL I wanted was to wear a pretty dress.!
Have long hair n look as beautiful as i could...!
I Looked like a boy...!
I would sit begging for hours watching the ladys walk by...! dreaming of being these woman with nice lives n No habit...! just wishing my life away.!Litralely...! poof gone.
I had also been in a few nasty relationships by then as well so by now im kicking back at them in a way that i was crazy. Taking on a man...?
Then wondering why i was on the floor or in ER again or Arressted...!
My anger is still an issue but nothing like it was...! I dont like men pushing me around, Its all ive known. From Rape to beatings. So yer i got angry at the world of men,.! after the habits n lifestyes have been dropped im working on anger Regularley, with my Key-worker n, my saint like b/f who loves me dearley.but runs for cover once per month now.
Its down to me to forgive n move on with certain things, all i can do is work thro it as it comes up for me. In the best way possiable. Not to judge someone on there gender.!
These days I am now one of them women who walk by looking beautiful,in a dress...
. its great when i walk past old spots i know from begging n think ... I DID IT...Thanks for letting me share...X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Ok, I am a man. I grew up in the traditional "men don't talk, men don't cry" era... I remember being about 4 and having fallen and hit my head, my father was standing looking down at me after picking me up with tears in my eyes and all I really needed was some comfort, instead he straightened up my shoulders and looked me in the eye and said "Son, men don't cry; you fell, it hurt, no need to cry about it." That was how I was raised.
As an adult, I do have emotions, I may not express them the same way women do, but all of the feelings and emotions that you experience, so do I. I am learning to talk about them and to be more open about them. However, my socialization by my parents to be a "man" have had a lasting impact. I know that for a fact.
For instance, a friend became separated from his wife. We are about the same age... he kept calling me everyday for about a month to "talk" about it. For the first week that seemed ok, just needed someone to listen to him... but then when it kept going on I recall thinking those be a "man" thoughts... "Ok J, its over. Get over it already. Enough with the tears and stuff. She's gone, accept it and move on. She slept around on you with someone else, you cheated on her. It wasn't meant to be. Let it go." I also remember thinking as others that knew the couple talked about him obsessing about the break up... "Yes, he needs to grow up and be a man about the whole thing." I also remember thinking, what is wrong with him crying if he needs to, talking if he needs to, etc. Nothing. Nothing at all.
While I am not going to say I will ever be comfortable acting as my friend did, ie. being all emotional for a whole month and crying daily, I don't think I could, I will say that I am trying to be more attuned to my emotions. To be able to talk about what I feel. I am just as deep and my emotions are just as powerful as anyone's, they are just subject to my social conditioning.
Peace, Levi.
PS, ever notice how it is acceptable for men to get mad, but not for women to do that... how men can laugh, but not cry... etc. The point I am getting at is that the socialization role came about for a reason and it relates to the role men and women played in the family... men earned a living and had to produce no matter what (following industrialization) was going on, women were to look after the kids... men went away to fight wars, women stayed at home to care for the family and home, etc. ... men express less emotion, women express more emotion... there was a reason for all of this.
As an adult, I do have emotions, I may not express them the same way women do, but all of the feelings and emotions that you experience, so do I. I am learning to talk about them and to be more open about them. However, my socialization by my parents to be a "man" have had a lasting impact. I know that for a fact.
For instance, a friend became separated from his wife. We are about the same age... he kept calling me everyday for about a month to "talk" about it. For the first week that seemed ok, just needed someone to listen to him... but then when it kept going on I recall thinking those be a "man" thoughts... "Ok J, its over. Get over it already. Enough with the tears and stuff. She's gone, accept it and move on. She slept around on you with someone else, you cheated on her. It wasn't meant to be. Let it go." I also remember thinking as others that knew the couple talked about him obsessing about the break up... "Yes, he needs to grow up and be a man about the whole thing." I also remember thinking, what is wrong with him crying if he needs to, talking if he needs to, etc. Nothing. Nothing at all.
While I am not going to say I will ever be comfortable acting as my friend did, ie. being all emotional for a whole month and crying daily, I don't think I could, I will say that I am trying to be more attuned to my emotions. To be able to talk about what I feel. I am just as deep and my emotions are just as powerful as anyone's, they are just subject to my social conditioning.
Peace, Levi.
PS, ever notice how it is acceptable for men to get mad, but not for women to do that... how men can laugh, but not cry... etc. The point I am getting at is that the socialization role came about for a reason and it relates to the role men and women played in the family... men earned a living and had to produce no matter what (following industrialization) was going on, women were to look after the kids... men went away to fight wars, women stayed at home to care for the family and home, etc. ... men express less emotion, women express more emotion... there was a reason for all of this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
I guess I am in the tough group. Its kinda ironic that you touched on this subject now, we were just talking about this yesterday.
I have always been the first one out getting dirty, mucking stalls, gardening...barefoot....slopping pigs, running the loader, found on the quad, changing my oil, replacing the breaks. etc.
I do and love most of the things that men do. My favorite sports are the rodeo and Nascar, one of my favorite dates is a trip to the tractor pulls at the fair. Last winter, for a solid 5 weeks, I sold Christmas trees just me and Kurt, we rented a parking lot, had a port-a-let for a bathroom, and a burn barrel to keep warm, I slung 8 foot frasier furs, tied them to car roof tops and ran the chainsaw just as good as he did. My daily dress was layers of long johns and sweats, and coverall and boots, no make-up, hair pulled back on a ponytail holder.......froze our buts off, but had a ball.
I get very nervous and self conscious normally in a dress, I will "clean up" and do my hair and make up for certian things but most of the time, you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt. No make up, hair pulled back, its just me and I have that bad "take me as I am or not at all" attitude......not always the best way to be I guess. My kids say "Redneck Woman" is my theme song LOL
But I am also a caregiver, I stay strong, take care of business and make sure that everyone has what they need. I love to cook, I bake all the time, do the canning from the garden etc. I take care of my parents, kids, hubby, and my animals......I want a clean house, pristine yard and healthy plants.....lots of them.
Wow.....I guess I am a little of both now that I look at what I have typed but if you need me.......check the stalls or under a car before you check the malls......
Liss
I have always been the first one out getting dirty, mucking stalls, gardening...barefoot....slopping pigs, running the loader, found on the quad, changing my oil, replacing the breaks. etc.
I do and love most of the things that men do. My favorite sports are the rodeo and Nascar, one of my favorite dates is a trip to the tractor pulls at the fair. Last winter, for a solid 5 weeks, I sold Christmas trees just me and Kurt, we rented a parking lot, had a port-a-let for a bathroom, and a burn barrel to keep warm, I slung 8 foot frasier furs, tied them to car roof tops and ran the chainsaw just as good as he did. My daily dress was layers of long johns and sweats, and coverall and boots, no make-up, hair pulled back on a ponytail holder.......froze our buts off, but had a ball.
I get very nervous and self conscious normally in a dress, I will "clean up" and do my hair and make up for certian things but most of the time, you will find me in jeans and a t-shirt. No make up, hair pulled back, its just me and I have that bad "take me as I am or not at all" attitude......not always the best way to be I guess. My kids say "Redneck Woman" is my theme song LOL
But I am also a caregiver, I stay strong, take care of business and make sure that everyone has what they need. I love to cook, I bake all the time, do the canning from the garden etc. I take care of my parents, kids, hubby, and my animals......I want a clean house, pristine yard and healthy plants.....lots of them.
Wow.....I guess I am a little of both now that I look at what I have typed but if you need me.......check the stalls or under a car before you check the malls......
Liss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS
Posts: 500
I believe I am in the tough group although I can also be sensitive, and a little on the soft side sometimes. I remember growing up being a tomboy. When my son was into drugs I was always the one confronting him and trying to discipline him and be strict on him, and I also enjoy doing things like yard work, taking out the trash, making sure the bills get paid, playing sports, and i am mechanicilly inclined and like putting things together and working with my hands and i have always liked being independent and like being in control which right now I am having issues with cause I cant drive and i am also unemployed. I dont really like doing household chores or cooking, sometimes I do but i will do what needs to be done, my husband does a lot of cooking and a little bit around the house, but I also can be a giving person and also like to dress up and wear makeup like your typical woman does, so I am probably a little of both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hello SR group and happy Saturday
to all of u....
I just wanted to refresh this topic as
we have many newcomers just poping
in SR or maybe an elder who is seeing
this for the first time..
Its kinda neat to go back and reread
some of our original post never knowing
if our thoughts have changed in the
meantime.
Just yesterday I went to the local
park to jog/walk.....because im pretty
much there by myself with an occassional
other runner....and im VERY cautious as
well since i am a women out there alone....
Anyway...when i go to run..i think of it
as work....im there to get the job done
with jogging off the junk food i ate the
days before....lol So im not out there
to win a popularity contest or beauty
contest....i mean if i really wanted to
draw attention to myself i could wear
something cute to jog in....NOT..!
So anyway..what im getting at..even
tho im a woman, i still carry myself as
wanting to appear tough and strong...
esp at the park...i walk as if...,,,
Dont even think about looking at me
because im not giving u the time of day...
you come near me and ill beat u up...lol
Shoulders up....looking strong....
come on..i dare u...lol
So do u come across as being tough
or soft in ur daily lives?
to all of u....
I just wanted to refresh this topic as
we have many newcomers just poping
in SR or maybe an elder who is seeing
this for the first time..
Its kinda neat to go back and reread
some of our original post never knowing
if our thoughts have changed in the
meantime.
Just yesterday I went to the local
park to jog/walk.....because im pretty
much there by myself with an occassional
other runner....and im VERY cautious as
well since i am a women out there alone....
Anyway...when i go to run..i think of it
as work....im there to get the job done
with jogging off the junk food i ate the
days before....lol So im not out there
to win a popularity contest or beauty
contest....i mean if i really wanted to
draw attention to myself i could wear
something cute to jog in....NOT..!
So anyway..what im getting at..even
tho im a woman, i still carry myself as
wanting to appear tough and strong...
esp at the park...i walk as if...,,,
Dont even think about looking at me
because im not giving u the time of day...
you come near me and ill beat u up...lol
Shoulders up....looking strong....
come on..i dare u...lol
So do u come across as being tough
or soft in ur daily lives?
~ 5 ~
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 305
I would have to say i come across tough....only soft part in me is my heart.
I think i have worn makeup 3 times in 4 years, i hate it, i hate dresses, i hate pink, perfumes,cooking, housework and everything else June Cleaver was about.
I like to be outside with my horses and on cars and talk "shop" with the boys.
I am the only girl of 7 so dirt,sports,mud,cars,hunting,fishing thats what i grew up around.
My Mom is a girlie girl.....wont leave the house without makeup and is always dressed nicely.
However i dress or talk i am still a woman inside and have all the female emotions and wants and needs. My fondest memories are giving birth and nursing my precious gifts, i wouldnt trade that for anything, i like being a woman.
I guess im just rambling, but the short of it is that i am a woman but i dont give a rats a$$ if my house is clean (it is clean just has the cluttered well lived in look) and my plants are always dying and my yard is a mess, and you cant see the floor of my suburban, my sheets dont match my pillow cases and none of my furniture goes together....LOL
I am woman hear me roar, yawn, scratch, beltch and yes i fart
Happy Fall YA'LL
I think i have worn makeup 3 times in 4 years, i hate it, i hate dresses, i hate pink, perfumes,cooking, housework and everything else June Cleaver was about.
I like to be outside with my horses and on cars and talk "shop" with the boys.
I am the only girl of 7 so dirt,sports,mud,cars,hunting,fishing thats what i grew up around.
My Mom is a girlie girl.....wont leave the house without makeup and is always dressed nicely.
However i dress or talk i am still a woman inside and have all the female emotions and wants and needs. My fondest memories are giving birth and nursing my precious gifts, i wouldnt trade that for anything, i like being a woman.
I guess im just rambling, but the short of it is that i am a woman but i dont give a rats a$$ if my house is clean (it is clean just has the cluttered well lived in look) and my plants are always dying and my yard is a mess, and you cant see the floor of my suburban, my sheets dont match my pillow cases and none of my furniture goes together....LOL
I am woman hear me roar, yawn, scratch, beltch and yes i fart
Happy Fall YA'LL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
As ive heard some say.....ur a HOOT..! lol I so enjoy reading the vivid description of u and ur life....At first I thought u were going to say u compare urself as Calamity Jane.... : ) Doris Day..... Remember that movie..lol
Thank u Krysfor allowing me share in ur recovery life..even if ur miles away.
What about the men..guys...are you tough or do u have a soft, gentle side of u? : )
Thank u Krysfor allowing me share in ur recovery life..even if ur miles away.
What about the men..guys...are you tough or do u have a soft, gentle side of u? : )
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