Correct me, please, if I am wrong!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Metro, TX
Posts: 29
Correct me, please, if I am wrong!!
Hi, everyone. I am new to this forum. Actually, I visited a couple of years ago, but couldn't remember my username, so I had to re-register.
A little history... Married to AH for 8 years. Was in residential treatment 2 years ago for 16 days. Managed to make it to 30 days before relapsing. Never quit again. Separated shortly after that and have been separated for over a year and a half. He recently moved back in due to financial reasons. Why haven't I filed for divorce? That's the million $$ question!
Today... AH is again in residential treatment. Went to a detox facility for 5 days and was discharged to a residential facility last Friday evening. He lost his job 3 1/2 months ago (a VERY well-paying job) and hasn't really looked for another one. He actually has an interview for a position on Monday (his facility agreed to let someone pick him up and take him and bring him back) and today he tells me that his counselor, based on their discussions, feels that taking another job right now would be a trigger for him and that he shouldn't go.
This is based on what HE has told her. He said that he doesn't want to work for a corporation anymore and he doesn't know what he wants to do. I upset him by asking him what he thought he should do, and he told me that I put too much pressure on him. He was getting angry and hateful and told me that I was causing it (don't we all know how an A can't take responsibility for their own actions or feelings).
I work a full-time job and have a part-time job as well, to earn a little extra $$. I am sure that it is pressure on him. I mean, he doesn't work, we lose our home, our cars, everything. But isn't that life??? In the time since he lost his job, we have gone through his 401k to make ends meet. I mean, it seems to me that all things in his life have the potential of being triggers and he should learn some coping skills and just learn to handle them. We will have enough $$ to make it about another month, and then after that, things will get really bad.
Now, if I am completely wrong, please someone tell me. I understand that his whole focus needs to be his recovery. I get that. But I think that it will be a huge trigger for him coming out of treatment if the phone is ringing off the hook with bill collectors, too.
Advice, anyone?
Thanks,
ladimo
A little history... Married to AH for 8 years. Was in residential treatment 2 years ago for 16 days. Managed to make it to 30 days before relapsing. Never quit again. Separated shortly after that and have been separated for over a year and a half. He recently moved back in due to financial reasons. Why haven't I filed for divorce? That's the million $$ question!
Today... AH is again in residential treatment. Went to a detox facility for 5 days and was discharged to a residential facility last Friday evening. He lost his job 3 1/2 months ago (a VERY well-paying job) and hasn't really looked for another one. He actually has an interview for a position on Monday (his facility agreed to let someone pick him up and take him and bring him back) and today he tells me that his counselor, based on their discussions, feels that taking another job right now would be a trigger for him and that he shouldn't go.
This is based on what HE has told her. He said that he doesn't want to work for a corporation anymore and he doesn't know what he wants to do. I upset him by asking him what he thought he should do, and he told me that I put too much pressure on him. He was getting angry and hateful and told me that I was causing it (don't we all know how an A can't take responsibility for their own actions or feelings). I work a full-time job and have a part-time job as well, to earn a little extra $$. I am sure that it is pressure on him. I mean, he doesn't work, we lose our home, our cars, everything. But isn't that life??? In the time since he lost his job, we have gone through his 401k to make ends meet. I mean, it seems to me that all things in his life have the potential of being triggers and he should learn some coping skills and just learn to handle them. We will have enough $$ to make it about another month, and then after that, things will get really bad.Now, if I am completely wrong, please someone tell me. I understand that his whole focus needs to be his recovery. I get that. But I think that it will be a huge trigger for him coming out of treatment if the phone is ringing off the hook with bill collectors, too.
Advice, anyone?
Thanks,
ladimo
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I don't think you're wrong for feeling frustrated with this situation. Keep in mind too that maybe his counselor did not even say that!!! You really do never know with the A. It really sounds like an excuse to me. Why should you be the one carrying all the load here????? Why are you still married?
Are you still in love with this man?
Are you still in love with this man?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome back to SR
i agree with mega. unless you hear it from the counselor yourself, take it with a grain of salt. yes, his recovery should be his focus, but it does not have to be yours. i don't think you are wrong to feel frustrated; what do you want to see happen?
i agree with mega. unless you hear it from the counselor yourself, take it with a grain of salt. yes, his recovery should be his focus, but it does not have to be yours. i don't think you are wrong to feel frustrated; what do you want to see happen?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Metro, TX
Posts: 29
Mega: Why am I still married to him? Like I said, million dollar question! There are several reasons. One, we have 2 children. Two, financially, he HAD a great job and it made it very difficult. And at one time, occassionally I would see glimpses of the man I married. I haven't seen that man in at least 2 years. I have seen an addict sinking further and further into despair and depression, self-loathing and self-destruction, and self-pity. Right before he lost his job, I had pretty much resigned to filing for divorce, and then couldn't bring myself to it b/c I felt like it would be kicking him when he was down. I honestly feared what he might do to himself, which, I know is no reason to stay in a marriage, but how could I live with that? I just felt that he would get another job, gain his confidence back and it would be a better time.
Denny: What I want to see happen is for him to learn some coping skills. I want his counselor to say that while it may be a trigger, how he handles it is up to him. He has to learn to handle whatever curveballs life may throw him.
I think I am going to call his counselor tomorrow morning and find out what the deal is. I believe that he told her how miserable he was in his past jobs and she probably told him that taking a similar position had the possibility of being a trigger. The fact of the matter, however, is that he wasn't miserable. He set sales records, made employee of the month out of over 100 people in his immediate department in a 12 month time, and was great at what he did. And he knew that he did great and was so happy with the recognition.
Triggers are going to be everywhere. There are going to be liquor stores on his way home. There are going to be beer ads on TV. He is going to see people sitting at a bar in a restaurant. There are going to be great days that he would love to celebrate with a couple of drinks. There are going to be horrible days that he wants to drink away. My feeling is that he will most benefit with life skills needed to deal with these.
Denny: What I want to see happen is for him to learn some coping skills. I want his counselor to say that while it may be a trigger, how he handles it is up to him. He has to learn to handle whatever curveballs life may throw him.
I think I am going to call his counselor tomorrow morning and find out what the deal is. I believe that he told her how miserable he was in his past jobs and she probably told him that taking a similar position had the possibility of being a trigger. The fact of the matter, however, is that he wasn't miserable. He set sales records, made employee of the month out of over 100 people in his immediate department in a 12 month time, and was great at what he did. And he knew that he did great and was so happy with the recognition.
Triggers are going to be everywhere. There are going to be liquor stores on his way home. There are going to be beer ads on TV. He is going to see people sitting at a bar in a restaurant. There are going to be great days that he would love to celebrate with a couple of drinks. There are going to be horrible days that he wants to drink away. My feeling is that he will most benefit with life skills needed to deal with these.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
WOW. I am not sure what to say. A good friend once told me that money doesn't buy happiness but it can make the hard times easier.
To me that means I am grateful I could afford to go to the dentist this week.
I am grateful that I can afford to see my Dr and afford my meds.
We all have to have money and I don't see how his refusal to work can do anything but make more problems. But also at times of great stress in my life I have sought out no stress underemployment. Surely he knows he can't just check out on life. And you must be surely worn out working two jobs and carrying all the responsibility.
I really like the way Denny always frames things on target.....what do you want to see happen?
I have had to downsize before. More than once. In some ways it makes life simpler.
hugs to you and best wishes.
I don't have any wisdom for you. But wanted to say hi and acknowledge your dilemna.
live
To me that means I am grateful I could afford to go to the dentist this week.
I am grateful that I can afford to see my Dr and afford my meds.
We all have to have money and I don't see how his refusal to work can do anything but make more problems. But also at times of great stress in my life I have sought out no stress underemployment. Surely he knows he can't just check out on life. And you must be surely worn out working two jobs and carrying all the responsibility.
I really like the way Denny always frames things on target.....what do you want to see happen?
I have had to downsize before. More than once. In some ways it makes life simpler.
hugs to you and best wishes.
I don't have any wisdom for you. But wanted to say hi and acknowledge your dilemna.
live
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hope his counselor is better than the one we had; bought everything my AH was selling him.
No; I do not think your thinking is wrong. Does your AH have another plan for earning a living if that one is a "trigger"? If not... well, if it is not something you are willing to live with (him not looking/taking a job) I wonder what he and the counselor will come up with for him to live on and pay you child suppport....
No; I do not think your thinking is wrong. Does your AH have another plan for earning a living if that one is a "trigger"? If not... well, if it is not something you are willing to live with (him not looking/taking a job) I wonder what he and the counselor will come up with for him to live on and pay you child suppport....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 42
I too have not left my AH because of the job and money he makes. So I do understand why you are still married to him , i am after 19 years. The one thing that you have that i envy you for is that he is in rehab. My AH has never even considered it.
It was not until i found this forum that i relized i was not alone. I have tried Alanon and have yet to find a meeting where i feel comfortable, but the people i have talked to on this forum have helped me through the really rough times.
I agree with the coping/life skills you speak of. I have no words of wisdom ( if i had a backbone i would have left years ago). But know this, there is much love here on this forum and i send mine......................
It was not until i found this forum that i relized i was not alone. I have tried Alanon and have yet to find a meeting where i feel comfortable, but the people i have talked to on this forum have helped me through the really rough times.
I agree with the coping/life skills you speak of. I have no words of wisdom ( if i had a backbone i would have left years ago). But know this, there is much love here on this forum and i send mine......................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Metro, TX
Posts: 29
I agree that money doesn't buy happiness. I have offered him SO many suggestions, but he doesn't seem open to ANYTHING. His "dream" is to be in business for himself, and possibly own a restaurant. The problem with that? Well, for one, we have no money to do that. And also, he has NO EXPERIENCE IN THAT!!!! He just wants something where he doesn't have to answer to anyone. I have tried to reason with him that with every job, there will be stressors. And that he can't be shielded from everything negative. If he doesn't work, he will have to care for our toddler while I work. He did that for 2 months and it was a bigger stressor and trigger for him than anything. One, he was tied down all day. Two, he wasn't making $$. Three, no peer interaction. Forgive me for not feeling sorry for him for having to live life.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by iwillriseabove
Denny: What I want to see happen is for him to learn some coping skills. I want his counselor to say that while it may be a trigger, how he handles it is up to him. He has to learn to handle whatever curveballs life may throw him.
The fact of the matter, however, is that he wasn't miserable.
The fact of the matter, however, is that he wasn't miserable.
I also used to assume that I knew how my husband felt. I didn't. Maybe your husband was miserable and maybe he doesn't want to set sales records and be the top corporate dog. Maybe he would be happier working at the car wash. You cannot assume you know what is best for him.
These are just my thoughts as I am working on rebuilding my marriage after being separated for almost a year. My husband is 9 months sober, and you know what? He didn't magically turn into the person I wanted him to be just because he stopped drinking. And I'm actually beginning to like and respect the person he really is, rather than the expectations I had placed on him.
It's amazing how caught up I was in having things my way with no concern whatsoever for what he might want. I believe I was sicker than he was, and he was the one drinking every day.................
L
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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Originally Posted by iwillriseabove
I agree that money doesn't buy happiness. I have offered him SO many suggestions, but he doesn't seem open to ANYTHING. His "dream" is to be in business for himself, and possibly own a restaurant. The problem with that? Well, for one, we have no money to do that. And also, he has NO EXPERIENCE IN THAT!!!! He just wants something where he doesn't have to answer to anyone. I have tried to reason with him that with every job, there will be stressors. And that he can't be shielded from everything negative. If he doesn't work, he will have to care for our toddler while I work. He did that for 2 months and it was a bigger stressor and trigger for him than anything. One, he was tied down all day. Two, he wasn't making $$. Three, no peer interaction. Forgive me for not feeling sorry for him for having to live life.
Just my opinion, but have you ever thought that even if this guy earned $250,000 a year, he would still be a bit of a jerk, blaming others for all his "stressors"?
You sound like a strong, solid woman. Why don't you just quit focusing on this mess of a man and concentrating on YOU. You are completely capable of taking care of yourself and your child - granted, not in the grand style he may be able to give you, but who needs his crap?
Take your focus off the $$ as well as his focus on the $$. Why? I was involved with a multi-millionaire for ten years. He could buy and sell a lot of folks. I lived a luxurious lifestyle. I lost it all. I was a royal crybaby that I couldn't drive a Beemer anymore or go on mad shopping sprees.
Then one day I found myself in an apartment for $780 per month where I had to watch every cent I spent on electricity, gas for the car, and food. I survived. And I was darned grateful to have food on my table and a roof over my head. I was Miss Bossy-Rich. But to this day I can now live without having money be a stressor in my life.
You are a good person and you are capable of caring for yourself. You deserve a nice guy who isn't living a pipe-dream. Who cares if he only earns $40K (or even less!) a year? It's the integrity, character, and values that count - and they're all inside (and they don't cause stress!).
I wish you the very best!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
"It's amazing how caught up I was in having things my way with no concern whatsoever for what he might want. I believe I was sicker than he was, and he was the one drinking every day................."
Wow LTD, I can so relate to that statement. My AH is almost 6months sober and although I know now that alanon who have helped, I haven't attended until recently.
I was brought to my bottom when I realized that just because he was sober did not mean his behaviors has changed.
Fortunately for me I've found a wonderful sponser and have begun working on step four. The steps are "simple" ideas but no one promised it was going to be easy.
This past week I had my first light bulb moment after a ranting and rage fest with my AH over $$$. He's finally found a job after being fired almost a year ago but the bills keep coming and like the good codie that I am I keep paying them only to feel like a victim (of my own choice) and then becoming resentful.
What I've learned is that I am so sick that I was unwilling or unable to see what my part in all of this drama has been.
I've realized that I'm resentful at myself for making the choices that I have made to get me to the point that I'm at in my relationship with my husband and others.
I'm so used to pointing the finger at him and blaming him for everything but what I was really doing was avoiding having to take a good look at myself.
It's empowering when we recognize our character defects and begin to forgive ourselves. I really didn't know what I was doing.
Now that I've forgiven myself for all the crap that I've done over the past 8 yrs, it opens up a new door and I can now begin to forgive him, knowing that like me he's only doing what he knows to do and when he knows better he'll do better. I've always wanted things to go my way and boy oh boy if they didn't (which was inevitable) the rage took on a life of it's own.
I can finally say and see that I (MRS control freak) do not know what's best for him. I'm taking time to let this new revelation sink in and I really do believe that I am much sicker than he is. Wow, I can't believe I just said that. Progress not perfection, right?
I wish I knew how to properly place quotes for other posters in my replys. Can someone tell me how to do this???
Wow LTD, I can so relate to that statement. My AH is almost 6months sober and although I know now that alanon who have helped, I haven't attended until recently.
I was brought to my bottom when I realized that just because he was sober did not mean his behaviors has changed.
Fortunately for me I've found a wonderful sponser and have begun working on step four. The steps are "simple" ideas but no one promised it was going to be easy.
This past week I had my first light bulb moment after a ranting and rage fest with my AH over $$$. He's finally found a job after being fired almost a year ago but the bills keep coming and like the good codie that I am I keep paying them only to feel like a victim (of my own choice) and then becoming resentful.
What I've learned is that I am so sick that I was unwilling or unable to see what my part in all of this drama has been.
I've realized that I'm resentful at myself for making the choices that I have made to get me to the point that I'm at in my relationship with my husband and others.
I'm so used to pointing the finger at him and blaming him for everything but what I was really doing was avoiding having to take a good look at myself.
It's empowering when we recognize our character defects and begin to forgive ourselves. I really didn't know what I was doing.
Now that I've forgiven myself for all the crap that I've done over the past 8 yrs, it opens up a new door and I can now begin to forgive him, knowing that like me he's only doing what he knows to do and when he knows better he'll do better. I've always wanted things to go my way and boy oh boy if they didn't (which was inevitable) the rage took on a life of it's own.
I can finally say and see that I (MRS control freak) do not know what's best for him. I'm taking time to let this new revelation sink in and I really do believe that I am much sicker than he is. Wow, I can't believe I just said that. Progress not perfection, right?
I wish I knew how to properly place quotes for other posters in my replys. Can someone tell me how to do this???
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Yea I filled my head with what I thought my H ought to do for a long time and I worked double over time trying to make it happen. The disease of addiction plays a mean game though and it is much smarter than I am.
Finally after much angish I gave up. I started taking care of me. I do not focus so much on him. I let him know that I needed him to pay his share of the bills. I told him I could not sleep with him while he used because he thrashes about in bed and hit me several times. I told him I love him very much and that I no longer want to try and fight his addiction. I set my boundries with him it has been hard but, I have stuck with them. I think he is much happier that I do not let him over run me. I do not talk down to him even when he gets huffy with me...
He has changed since I have said my peace he contributes to our household expences and he has become more emotionally available. He seems straight and I have let him know how much I enjoy his company lately. He said something so funny the other day that I am still laughing to myself over it. He asks me what is so funny and I just say you know what you said the other day. I think it makes him feel good that he has said something that makes me laugh. He has such good humor and I like to talk with him about the things I love about him and it seems to give him more confidence. I do not really know how long he has been clean cause I am not keeping any kind of records. I am just enjoying what we have now an I pray it last...
Finally after much angish I gave up. I started taking care of me. I do not focus so much on him. I let him know that I needed him to pay his share of the bills. I told him I could not sleep with him while he used because he thrashes about in bed and hit me several times. I told him I love him very much and that I no longer want to try and fight his addiction. I set my boundries with him it has been hard but, I have stuck with them. I think he is much happier that I do not let him over run me. I do not talk down to him even when he gets huffy with me...
He has changed since I have said my peace he contributes to our household expences and he has become more emotionally available. He seems straight and I have let him know how much I enjoy his company lately. He said something so funny the other day that I am still laughing to myself over it. He asks me what is so funny and I just say you know what you said the other day. I think it makes him feel good that he has said something that makes me laugh. He has such good humor and I like to talk with him about the things I love about him and it seems to give him more confidence. I do not really know how long he has been clean cause I am not keeping any kind of records. I am just enjoying what we have now an I pray it last...
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