helpful memories
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helpful memories
I’m having a hard time with life in general right now.
Woke up the other day in serious **** it mode, thinking I’d just become a wine drinker again, that there isn’t any reason not to, that no one would care.
Later that day I was watering some plants outside with some idle thoughts, my mind was drifting a bit.
Started thinking about an old friend and a lunch I had with her in 2017. She knew something about some coworkers who I thought were up to no good, cozying up to some of the married men in my husbands office, she was planning to tell me about it. I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
This wasn’t my last bender. So while watering plants I wondered what day that was. There was a terrible Fourth of July that my parents attended when I was drinking all morning and hiding from everyone....one of the last times my dad visited my house, I could have taken pictures and spent time with them but I was hammered. I think I remember having a conversation with my dad by my pool, because I think I remember vague snippets of conversation, I obsess about that day because my dad died two years later, and that day could have been a wonderful memory but I destroyed it with alcohol.
This lunch date was a month or two later, I had been put up for questioning by my board for an incident I was involved in years ago and while it had no bearing on my current work status and I was just a participant in the overall case, I was feeling the personal drama and heavy, unrelenting pain of someone going through something stressful with active alcoholism piled on top of it.
There was a ramping up of my drinking at that time which culminated in my eventual sobriety, and it got me thinking: what would the death of my dad do to my drinking, and realized I’m pretty sure if I had relapsed after losing my dad, I would drink myself to death. I would be dead.
I am here and alive because I am sober. Some days I want nothing else than to be drunk and just disappear but as an end stage alcoholic I do not have that luxury. Sometimes the universe, in a small and offhand way, will remind you what happened, it will remind you the parts of it you didn’t tell other people, and it’s like a gift from beyond.
It doesn’t FEEL like a gift at the time, when oblivion is the desired end. But it is, anyway.
Woke up the other day in serious **** it mode, thinking I’d just become a wine drinker again, that there isn’t any reason not to, that no one would care.
Later that day I was watering some plants outside with some idle thoughts, my mind was drifting a bit.
Started thinking about an old friend and a lunch I had with her in 2017. She knew something about some coworkers who I thought were up to no good, cozying up to some of the married men in my husbands office, she was planning to tell me about it. I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
This wasn’t my last bender. So while watering plants I wondered what day that was. There was a terrible Fourth of July that my parents attended when I was drinking all morning and hiding from everyone....one of the last times my dad visited my house, I could have taken pictures and spent time with them but I was hammered. I think I remember having a conversation with my dad by my pool, because I think I remember vague snippets of conversation, I obsess about that day because my dad died two years later, and that day could have been a wonderful memory but I destroyed it with alcohol.
This lunch date was a month or two later, I had been put up for questioning by my board for an incident I was involved in years ago and while it had no bearing on my current work status and I was just a participant in the overall case, I was feeling the personal drama and heavy, unrelenting pain of someone going through something stressful with active alcoholism piled on top of it.
There was a ramping up of my drinking at that time which culminated in my eventual sobriety, and it got me thinking: what would the death of my dad do to my drinking, and realized I’m pretty sure if I had relapsed after losing my dad, I would drink myself to death. I would be dead.
I am here and alive because I am sober. Some days I want nothing else than to be drunk and just disappear but as an end stage alcoholic I do not have that luxury. Sometimes the universe, in a small and offhand way, will remind you what happened, it will remind you the parts of it you didn’t tell other people, and it’s like a gift from beyond.
It doesn’t FEEL like a gift at the time, when oblivion is the desired end. But it is, anyway.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Very good post Sassy. Thank you, I need this reminder. Life is a bit of a struggle at the moment but thinking about what it was and could have been with continuous uncontrolled drinking is truly scary. I should bear that in mind more often.
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Originally Posted by Callas 
Very good post Sassy. Thank you, I need this reminder. Life is a bit of a struggle at the moment but thinking about what it was and could have been with continuous uncontrolled drinking is truly scary. I should bear that in mind more often.
What struck me this morning, as I was feeling the grief from losing my father and wondering why it all even matters anymore....was the realization that the harder my life was, the harder I drank. And I was already at abusive levels of alcohol, so hitting it that hard is lethal and only a matter of time before you just die.
The idea that I would go right back to that kind of drinking, or even intensify it even more...especially since the pain I feel now is worse than the pain I felt then, is not something I need to test.
What also strikes me is that I was in a bad space when these reminders floated in. I didn’t call them in. They just came. Who sent them? Who is saving me, out there....
Maybe my dad is looking out for me after all.
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Join Date: May 2017
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The uncontrolled drinking over several days when you wake up and don't have a clue what day it is. It is frightening - just terrifying. The texts, the social media posts, the undignified nature of one's existence - the TUNNEL VISION - oh God, so well stated. Thanks Sassy - always really enjoy your posts.
Day 21. Need to not get off the wagon this time.
Day 21. Need to not get off the wagon this time.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
He's absolutely looking out for you, Sassy.
All of my family has died and I know it can get pretty dark if I start beating myself up or being mad at them for stuff that happened in the past. I know without a doubt they would not want that for me. We screw up. Even non-drinkers screw up.
"Last Visits" are something that continue to pop into my head. I wasn't drunk at/for any of them but I still have niggling regrets that I could have been nicer or more generous or more forgiving or showed my love for them more demonstrably. You know, the same things I whine about in my head about them not doing enough.
You'll get through it. I believe they will always be looking out for us.
All of my family has died and I know it can get pretty dark if I start beating myself up or being mad at them for stuff that happened in the past. I know without a doubt they would not want that for me. We screw up. Even non-drinkers screw up.
"Last Visits" are something that continue to pop into my head. I wasn't drunk at/for any of them but I still have niggling regrets that I could have been nicer or more generous or more forgiving or showed my love for them more demonstrably. You know, the same things I whine about in my head about them not doing enough.
You'll get through it. I believe they will always be looking out for us.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
He's absolutely looking out for you, Sassy.
All of my family has died and I know it can get pretty dark if I start beating myself up or being mad at them for stuff that happened in the past. I know without a doubt they would not want that for me. We screw up. Even non-drinkers screw up.
"Last Visits" are something that continue to pop into my head. I wasn't drunk at/for any of them but I still have niggling regrets that I could have been nicer or more generous or more forgiving or showed my love for them more demonstrably. You know, the same things I whine about in my head about them not doing enough.
You'll get through it. I believe they will always be looking out for us.
All of my family has died and I know it can get pretty dark if I start beating myself up or being mad at them for stuff that happened in the past. I know without a doubt they would not want that for me. We screw up. Even non-drinkers screw up.
"Last Visits" are something that continue to pop into my head. I wasn't drunk at/for any of them but I still have niggling regrets that I could have been nicer or more generous or more forgiving or showed my love for them more demonstrably. You know, the same things I whine about in my head about them not doing enough.
You'll get through it. I believe they will always be looking out for us.
This made me cry but not in a bad way.
As many of you know my father was an alcoholic as well. It’s odd but that’s part of the multitude of reasons he was so beloved to me, that deep mutual understanding of this shared struggle.
He didn’t drink as much as he aged, he needed more help from my mom so the benders were more infrequent but I’d still get calls from my mom that he was in his cups from time to time even in the last 5-8 years. So I remember when he was 50-60 and less emotionally available to all of us, he was deep in the pit at that time, and it’s true he was very human and sometimes hurtful and rejecting to us, as alcoholics are. When I need to give myself a bit of forgiveness I try to remember that like a mirror with two sides my father was sometimes neglecting to all of us in exactly the same way, so he would absolutely ask me to cut myself a break for the times I screwed up.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
I’m having a hard time with life in general right now.
Woke up the other day in serious **** it mode, thinking I’d just become a wine drinker again, that there isn’t any reason not to, that no one would care.
Later that day I was watering some plants outside with some idle thoughts, my mind was drifting a bit.
Started thinking about an old friend and a lunch I had with her in 2017. She knew something about some coworkers who I thought were up to no good, cozying up to some of the married men in my husbands office, she was planning to tell me about it. I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
This wasn’t my last bender. So while watering plants I wondered what day that was. There was a terrible Fourth of July that my parents attended when I was drinking all morning and hiding from everyone....one of the last times my dad visited my house, I could have taken pictures and spent time with them but I was hammered. I think I remember having a conversation with my dad by my pool, because I think I remember vague snippets of conversation, I obsess about that day because my dad died two years later, and that day could have been a wonderful memory but I destroyed it with alcohol.
This lunch date was a month or two later, I had been put up for questioning by my board for an incident I was involved in years ago and while it had no bearing on my current work status and I was just a participant in the overall case, I was feeling the personal drama and heavy, unrelenting pain of someone going through something stressful with active alcoholism piled on top of it.
There was a ramping up of my drinking at that time which culminated in my eventual sobriety, and it got me thinking: what would the death of my dad do to my drinking, and realized I’m pretty sure if I had relapsed after losing my dad, I would drink myself to death. I would be dead.
I am here and alive because I am sober. Some days I want nothing else than to be drunk and just disappear but as an end stage alcoholic I do not have that luxury. Sometimes the universe, in a small and offhand way, will remind you what happened, it will remind you the parts of it you didn’t tell other people, and it’s like a gift from beyond.
It doesn’t FEEL like a gift at the time, when oblivion is the desired end. But it is, anyway.
Woke up the other day in serious **** it mode, thinking I’d just become a wine drinker again, that there isn’t any reason not to, that no one would care.
Later that day I was watering some plants outside with some idle thoughts, my mind was drifting a bit.
Started thinking about an old friend and a lunch I had with her in 2017. She knew something about some coworkers who I thought were up to no good, cozying up to some of the married men in my husbands office, she was planning to tell me about it. I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
This wasn’t my last bender. So while watering plants I wondered what day that was. There was a terrible Fourth of July that my parents attended when I was drinking all morning and hiding from everyone....one of the last times my dad visited my house, I could have taken pictures and spent time with them but I was hammered. I think I remember having a conversation with my dad by my pool, because I think I remember vague snippets of conversation, I obsess about that day because my dad died two years later, and that day could have been a wonderful memory but I destroyed it with alcohol.
This lunch date was a month or two later, I had been put up for questioning by my board for an incident I was involved in years ago and while it had no bearing on my current work status and I was just a participant in the overall case, I was feeling the personal drama and heavy, unrelenting pain of someone going through something stressful with active alcoholism piled on top of it.
There was a ramping up of my drinking at that time which culminated in my eventual sobriety, and it got me thinking: what would the death of my dad do to my drinking, and realized I’m pretty sure if I had relapsed after losing my dad, I would drink myself to death. I would be dead.
I am here and alive because I am sober. Some days I want nothing else than to be drunk and just disappear but as an end stage alcoholic I do not have that luxury. Sometimes the universe, in a small and offhand way, will remind you what happened, it will remind you the parts of it you didn’t tell other people, and it’s like a gift from beyond.
It doesn’t FEEL like a gift at the time, when oblivion is the desired end. But it is, anyway.
I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
You recreated a vivid moment of my alcoholism.
Your Dad is looking out for you- you help a lot of people. I have ready many of your posts. I know he is beaming and very proud of you.
Thank you again for posting your experience.
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I still have some vivid flashbacks to the way things used to be at times as well, and being able to recall them can definitely help in those situations where " a beer or two " seems like a good idea. Obsessing about the past of course is not helpful, but i've done that too.
The most vivid memory that I have is the mornings, usually on a weekend, when I would wake up so sick that I literally could not drink any alcohol without vomiting it back up immediately. I drank beer exclusively, and there were sunday mornings when i'd literally be standing out beside the garbage can shaking with a can of beer trying to kill the shakes but basically vomiting back up everything I drank and likely some bile too. All this while the rest of my family was inside the house getting ready for the day. I can still very clearly remember the awful taste in my mouth, the sweating and horrible splitting headaches. And then somehow i'd keep a little bit of beer down and start slipping back into that boozy/sleepy/mindless trance and keep drinking till I passed out and did it again the next day. My hands are literally sweating typing this it's so real sometimes.
The most vivid memory that I have is the mornings, usually on a weekend, when I would wake up so sick that I literally could not drink any alcohol without vomiting it back up immediately. I drank beer exclusively, and there were sunday mornings when i'd literally be standing out beside the garbage can shaking with a can of beer trying to kill the shakes but basically vomiting back up everything I drank and likely some bile too. All this while the rest of my family was inside the house getting ready for the day. I can still very clearly remember the awful taste in my mouth, the sweating and horrible splitting headaches. And then somehow i'd keep a little bit of beer down and start slipping back into that boozy/sleepy/mindless trance and keep drinking till I passed out and did it again the next day. My hands are literally sweating typing this it's so real sometimes.
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Originally Posted by faith823
This post is just absolutely what I needed to read and reflect on today.
I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
You recreated a vivid moment of my alcoholism.
Your Dad is looking out for you- you help a lot of people. I have ready many of your posts. I know he is beaming and very proud of you.
Thank you again for posting your experience.
I don’t remember what day this lunch was, but I remember she had to drive, because I was in the middle of a huge bender. There was a laundry bucket in my room with two bottles of scotch and some cans of Diet Coke by my bed, because I was off work for a period of time and drinking night and day. Drinking. Sleeping. Drinking. Obsessing about people and tunnel visioning thought pathways in my head, texting people, crying, drinking, sleeping.
You recreated a vivid moment of my alcoholism.
Your Dad is looking out for you- you help a lot of people. I have ready many of your posts. I know he is beaming and very proud of you.
Thank you again for posting your experience.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Scott. I’ve been there.
I agree, obsessing about the darkest moments isn’t good, we have to move on and focus on growing in life.
It’s true though that the part of my head that wants a glass of wine with friends isn’t quite connected to the woman who cries by the bucket of scotch, but she needs to be. One leads to the other.
The truth of this is that when people relapse they go back to the darkest moment, and then past it; as if that were even possible, but it’s what happens. We hear this story over and over and over again here.
If reminding ourselves that it’s essentially a certainty that we won’t drink up fun, we will drink right back to the pain, helps prevent a relapse, then it’s worth repeating.
We can and will go right back to the point we last left the drink.
I agree, obsessing about the darkest moments isn’t good, we have to move on and focus on growing in life.
It’s true though that the part of my head that wants a glass of wine with friends isn’t quite connected to the woman who cries by the bucket of scotch, but she needs to be. One leads to the other.
The truth of this is that when people relapse they go back to the darkest moment, and then past it; as if that were even possible, but it’s what happens. We hear this story over and over and over again here.
If reminding ourselves that it’s essentially a certainty that we won’t drink up fun, we will drink right back to the pain, helps prevent a relapse, then it’s worth repeating.
We can and will go right back to the point we last left the drink.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Scott. I’ve been there.
I agree, obsessing about the darkest moments isn’t good, we have to move on and focus on growing in life.
It’s true though that the part of my head that wants a glass of wine with friends isn’t quite connected to the woman who cries by the bucket of scotch, but she needs to be. One leads to the other.
The truth of this is that when people relapse they go back to the darkest moment, and then past it; as if that were even possible, but it’s what happens. We hear this story over and over and over again here.
If reminding ourselves that it’s essentially a certainty that we won’t drink up fun, we will drink right back to the pain, helps prevent a relapse, then it’s worth repeating.
We can and will go right back to the point we last left the drink.
I agree, obsessing about the darkest moments isn’t good, we have to move on and focus on growing in life.
It’s true though that the part of my head that wants a glass of wine with friends isn’t quite connected to the woman who cries by the bucket of scotch, but she needs to be. One leads to the other.
The truth of this is that when people relapse they go back to the darkest moment, and then past it; as if that were even possible, but it’s what happens. We hear this story over and over and over again here.
If reminding ourselves that it’s essentially a certainty that we won’t drink up fun, we will drink right back to the pain, helps prevent a relapse, then it’s worth repeating.
We can and will go right back to the point we last left the drink.
Indeed much of the core of my sobriety is based on remembering things like the experience I described. And part of the reason i'm here on SR every day ;-)
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Originally Posted by Briansy
The uncontrolled drinking over several days when you wake up and don't have a clue what day it is. It is frightening - just terrifying. The texts, the social media posts, the undignified nature of one's existence - the TUNNEL VISION - oh God, so well stated. Thanks Sassy - always really enjoy your posts.
Day 21. Need to not get off the wagon this time.
Day 21. Need to not get off the wagon this time.
Just stay right where you are. We will be here too. We know what it feels like.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
To be clear - i'm not disagreeing with you at all, and i'm not suggesting you are obsessing about it. Just pointing out that possibility.
Indeed much of the core of my sobriety is based on remembering things like the experience I described. And part of the reason i'm here on SR every day ;-)
Indeed much of the core of my sobriety is based on remembering things like the experience I described. And part of the reason i'm here on SR every day ;-)
. Yes, coming here is essential. It doesn’t seem like it is, especially when I don’t feel inspired here, or I just get a little bored with it.....but it’s important to check in. It’s like a free flowing virtual meeting.
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If reminding ourselves that it’s essentially a certainty that we won’t drink up fun, we will drink right back to the pain, helps prevent a relapse, then it’s worth repeating.
I was sober a lot of years without any questions or desire to go back or any little voice telling me how great it would be. I really truly wish I had kept that mindset, but I drank again almost thoughtlessly. Now it's harder. I have to be mindful at every turn, because I know without a doubt I don't have any fun drinking left in me - it became so dark and twisted that it terrified me.
At this point if I drink again it will be because I'm actively trying to die. That in itself is frightening. It is now a means to an end [literal physical.]
I credit this site for giving me daily reminders so that I don't have a blank spot about that.
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