stonehenge

I have been trying for so long.. I'm also on Baclofem 25mg x3, 3 times a day and while it helped at first, it doesn't seem so now.

Not because of it's usefulness, but because I've lost hope.

I am taking care of my old mum. The only family I have. Wedges in the past ruined them for me, with 25+ years of them not talking to us after my dad died. Too long to sit with strangers, and their families who sit on iPhones and never notice me.

I have come to a place now, where I both want to be sober, more than anything, but there is also that dire knowing of the inevitability of everything, which seeps into me almost every day. I will carry my mum to the grave, and then... alone. lost memories of relationships that failed, friendships broken.. just such futility.

I do not know how to break this mindset. I seek help to sort my mind, and I am confronted with walls and idiots. People who say they are there, but as soon as a nice holiday with champaigne glasses and obnoxious escapades appears, they're off.. leaving me with "If you need help, please call the clinic on..." messages on my phone.

I do well with one on one talking therapy, but can't seem to get it. That's beside the point here.

I honestly don't know what is next... waking up one day, to silence, fearing the worst, to find my old mum passed in her sleep, or watching her slowly fade away in a hospital bed. both are something, but the inevitability of either is set.

And once I am entirely alone, I will follow.. I just don't see any shining light before me, to guide me.. and every day now, 4 liters of wine. All my liver tests come back within limits.. last fibrous was 5.2. The liver specialist at Royal Perth Hospital said "for someone who drinks as much as you do, I expected the blood tests to be far worse."

But I just feel completely lost.... I'm stuck.. I don't know how to get out of this mindset. That as a 48 year old, all I can expect is more pain, misery and loneliness. We prune gardens so the worthy flowers can smile towards the sunlight..

Is it just how it's meant to be? I've tried so many times.. even flew to America to marry someone.... they never even let me past LAX because they didn't trust my intent.. I was sober for 2 years.. but I can't even try to hold onto the things that made me strong then.. I feel so weak...

Sorry for the rant.. I am just so very lost...

doggonecarl

Sorry about your mom. And I'm sorry for your despair, your loss of hope. But drinking is only making it worse. I hope you find your way out of the darkness.

Dee74

Hi stonehenge - sorry you're so low.

With everything you have going on have you considered you might be clinically depressed?

If the only solution you have is drinking, you could be deepening that depression rather than alleviating it?

D

least

I hope you can stop drinking so you may find peace of mind. I am sorry you're in unhappy circumstances.

fini

hello stonehenge,
sounds like a grim spot you’re in. but no, this is not how it is “meant to be”.
how will you break the mindset? i am not sure, but wonder if you have tried whatever the clinic is that folks are suggesting? and what other actions you have taken?
a change in mindset is not necessary to take action, but can sometimes/often follow from actions taken to get where we want to be.
you say you want to be sober more than anything....put the work in. ask your doc, go to AA, find a secular group, go to rehab or detox.
if you want it more than anything, it can be yours.

Surlyredhead

Oh Stonehenge, hug, I am hurting for you right now. I can feel your despair in your words. I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain and feeling of hopelessness, but I know that I can not. I want you to understand something though, there are a lot of us here who have felt that same despair. Our circumstances are different, but the feeling is the same.

I remember a time, when I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. My life was so low and I was alone, homeless and broken. Sleep would not come without massive amounts of alcohol, even then, it was more unconsciousness than sleep, being awake was worse. My body was hurting, but nowhere near as much as my soul was. I honestly didn't know how to function. Even the sunniest days, all I saw was darkness, everything looked gray. I literally felt like a Zombie, moving without purpose or thought, except how to get more Alcohol, or where was I going to sleep. I put myself in situations that were not safe, hoping that someone would do to me what I could not do myself and end my misery. I saw no future for me at all, and I didn't care.

After a few years in that fog, I half decided that if I wasn't going to die, I might as well try to live, I went to treatment and began my Sober Journey. I think of everything that I have done and people I have known since then, I even had my Son. I never thought life could be so full. The days got brighter, I got healthier and here I am today to tell you, that even the bleakest future can turn out so different than what you expect, if you just get sober. People will come into your life that you need....and you will go into people's live who need you.

Your story is not done, and every story has a chance for a happy ending, every page can be turned and the story can take a whole new direction. You are important and you matter. Just by sharing today, you have helped me stay sober today. That is huge.

Please, keep posting. You are not alone, and I understand how you are feeling.

Cathy

Gottalife

"No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes."

This passage is about Bill W, just before he founded AA. My experience 45 years later was very similar. It is always darkest before the dawn. I was hopeless, desperate, and willing to do anything, just as you said. I followed through on that by joining AA and following all suggestions without question. I did what Bill did, I got what Bill got.

Stayingsassy

The mindset is what it is. It could be that you’ll feel exactly the same without the alcohol. You’ve lost some friendships and social opportunities along the way and you’re more alone than you’d like to be.

I can see you’re in a dark place. Could you have the courage to be in a dark place without any alcohol? If you want it more than anything, are you willing to do what it takes to live a life that takes that much bravery and freedom?

What is the alcohol doing for you? Is it giving you true relief?

Nothing was going right for me on the day I quit. In fact, things looked pretty damned bleak. But the alcohol wasn’t working.

There was more and more and more of it every week, with worsening blackouts and terrible weekly withdrawals and lots of humiliating and isolating experiences, but there wasn’t....true relief.

Would relief look like being in your life clear and clean, with a sense of future hope, even if it didn’t involve alcohol in any way? Is there a part of you that leaps at that thought: the thought of no longer drinking away your problems and beginning a brave new world for yourself with all your feelings and senses intact, and whispers...
Yes, that’s what I want. I want to be that brave, that clear, with clean sleep and clear thoughts and a sense of exactly what I feel, and exactly what I need, instead of what the booze is saying to me.

What would your mom want for you?

You don’t have close friends right now, but you have a clean bill of health, and you have the rest of your life stretching out in front of you.

The alcohol doesn’t have to have anything to do with the experiences or situations you find yourself in now. It’s a lie that you need it to cope with your loneliness. The alcohol itself has caused your loneliness. You can stop drinking now, for good, and decide you’ll live life on your terms, not on terms your alcohol addiction has set for you. You simply have to take the first step.

RecklessEric

I was surprised to read that you are only 47 years old.
The future is not written, Stonehenge.
And it's in your hands.
For me, drinking made everything worse.
You might find that you are better able to deal with things if you kick booze.
And I echo what Dee said about depression. I'd really see a doctor about that.

I hope you keep posting here, because the people are amazing and have given me support in the past through really tough times.

bimbott

I'm so very sad for you right now. It sounds like you have lost hope - that is the drink - right there making everything WORSE.

We are the same age and we have the potential to have many great times ahead of us if we can live life sober. I really hope you can find the strength to stop drinking - no-one should live without hope x

Dropsie

This was heart breaking to me:

We prune gardens so the worthy flowers can smile towards the sunlight..

You are the worthy flower, we all are.

If you feel all is lost anyway, why not try it without the booze -- what do you have to lose, and I believe you have so much more to gain.

For many here, it really was just that -- they felt that the way things were, they were going to live miserably until they died and so they truly had nothing to lose (in their mind) so gave it a shot and the results are the people you see here (like Dee who is one of the best people on the plant IMO).

As your title says it is hard, but not as hard as the alternative. And if we did it, believe me, you can.

Its a choice, decide that no matter what, you just dont drink, its not an option, decision is already made. See what happens.

You can do this.



XX

NYCDoglvr

This really sounds like depression to me. I suggest seeing a shrink or therapist because medication can help a great deal. In recovery I've gone through phases of such thinking (hopelessness) and thank God for meds. A big hug!

MindfulMan

I was at a very low point before I stopped drinking. Every waking moment was spent wishing I'd go to sleep and never wake up. In my case, it was bipolar depression on top of 5-8 bottles of wine a day, but it was always there even with less alcohol consumption. Most of it was the alcohol itself, but even when I was abstinent for nearly a year, the addiction was always there. Substance abuse affects everything in your life, and it gets worse and worse. I have never been married, but in my 40s I had a community of friends, most of whom were also heavy drinkers, but there were deep bonds there as well. In 2010, I kicked my roommate Todd out of the house because he could no longer pay the rent, and hadn't done so in about 18 months. That's not why I did it though, I just couldn't not watch what he was doing to himself with alcohol, he died from alcohol related causes about a year later at 49. The group of friends all moved on at about the same time, and my dog of 14 years died as well. I was very lonely, and I think I got through it because Todd's drinking had put me off so badly that I just stopped drinking, it disgusted me, and didn't start again for several months, and once I did start again I was a "normie" drinker for a time. The friends that moved away either had children and thrived or got sober. Those that continued to drink passed out of my life.

I have suffered with depression since my teenage years, which was finally correctly diagnosed in my late 30s as Bipolar II disorder. Treatment worked fairly well at times, but it wasn't until I got completely sober that my doctor and I (a psychiatrist at a dual diagnosis clinic, mood disorders and substance use disorder) could really give it a shot. I'm actually taking a different medication, and I'm not on a mood stabilizer, only a non-benzo anti-anxiety medication called Buspar (buspirone) and the antidepressant Wellbutrin (buproprion). I've also done over a year of psychotherapy that has helped immensely. I love my life right now, and more importantly, I love myself enough to give the self-care that I need to feel good. Not having any substances in my body that aren't medically prescribed alone did probably 70% of that heavy lifting. Most importantly, not having a constant alcohol haze and horrible effect on both mood and anxiety allowed other treatments to work properly. I will not speculate as to whether you have any mental health issues, but I agree that you should have it looked at, and by a trained psychiatrist, not just a GP. It will also give you an incentive to stop drinking, and can also help you through detox (I required medical detox as I was at a risk of seizures or worse if I tried to go it alone). Most importantly, sobriety will allow yourself to treat any underlying depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder effectively.

Your situation with your mother is heart wrenching. I think it very brave of you to admit that her death would be both a tragedy and a relief. You will not know how you feel until it actually happens, so try not to dwell on that as much as you can. Caretaking is exhausting and a full time job, and is keeping you from making other connections. I think it will be a different ball game after.

But please get sober, and please seek treatment. Where you are is a very dark place. Before I got sober, it was a horrific job, and an empty life without a partner. After sobriety, with treatment of my issues and no monkey on my back, life became good again.

PhoenixJ

At the very bottom of my boozing I was lost, very lonely and broken. All I felt was overwhelming sadness- 5L of the very worst wine a day. BUT -there was hope, I had to reach out to use it- through a GP, counselling, here, psychologist...I have major depression and I drank to oblivion, to stop the living hell I was in.

Looking after your mum is hard. Can you get respite care? Your own health is very important. Do not lose hope. Meetings, slowly helped me too.

My prayers and support to you.