kinzoku

I've been thinking about writing this post out for a long damn time. It makes me physically agitated and nervous. I don't want to admit that this is a problem for me. That I get black out drunk far, far, too often, alone, because of boredom...fear...anxiety. Drinking is not a choice for me. I've been pretending for a while. its a big joke to me.

Couldn't help I live with a fellow reclusive alcoholic could it?

And the thing is my life seems to be going pretty well other than this addiction so I rationalize. I just graduated college, I have a job lined up, everything looks good. But this is how I take the pressure off. This is how I've lost all my friendships, and its getting worse and worse. All the pressure and anxiety..this is how I escape.

So I'll have a beer, or twelve, a glass of whiskey, or a bottle. At first it was just weekends, with people. I had my first drink five years ago. I'm a young guy. I started stealing my dads booze when I lived at home, I'd mix it all up so he wouldnt notice, a little from each bottle. He has the problem too. And well, I went to college and drinking was socially acceptable. And hell I had friends because it was COOL to get blackout drunk.

Four years later, I'm living in a basement, drinking along 4-5 nights a week, binge eating too. Thats a seperate deal I suppose. This is how I get to kill the time. I dunno. I feel simultaneously like I don't deserve to call myself an alcoholic, that I shouldn't, that I don't need to limit myself.

But I do. Hell, I can think of a lot of terrible **** I've done drunk, and I've been drinking every day for the last five days, before that two days sober, before that a few weeks. I mean I try to quit and fail and fail and then I laugh about it with my friends, just a joke. So they don't believe or know its a real problem.

I hate that feeling of waking up and not knowing what I did, what I said. To my roomate, to my friends, checking my phone to see if I tweaked out on anyone. What did I eat? Waking up in the cold sweats. A headache for a day, a bad sleep, take the caffeine, fight for it. I only squeeze one or two productive days out of a week because of alcohol.

I was taught you don't whine about your problems, if you do you catch ****. That was how my home worked. So this feels terribly wrong to do. I want to apologize to you all for doing it, but its what we are supposed to do right? I'm a narcissist at heart, I just like to pretend I'm not for even MORE attention.

I just want to get better and to stop lying to myself. But I can't tell my parents, my friends all think drinking and drugs are cool or a huge laugh, and I...well...I'm smart and dumb enough to fool those around me (for now) but worst of all myself.

So this is me.

I need to tell someone, anyone, because I've burnt a **** ton of bridges. And I can't tell my parents. Hell I have law school admissions in 18 days and I drained about 14 beers last night and felt like hell all day. I can't keep living these dual lives, where I pretend I'm an academic and a professional, and where I get so **** faced I...well...you all have your own stories (or know of them), you can imagine.

I guess I feel like people have it so much worse than me too, and I'm no hard case, I have my issues but I dunno...I feel like I should just suck it up and quit on my own and not have to throw a parade. But quitting on my own hasn't been working and...I do need help...a community...something. And I'm not ready to go to AA.

Dee74

Hi Kinzoku

I remember being in a very similar position....I drank a lot, messed a lot of stuff up but I got by - and usually pretty well, considering...

all my friends drank, my life was centered around getting drunk or high....

and I was miserable....hating what I did, and despairing that I'd ever make it out.

The bottom line I think, is if we want change we need to make changes.

you don't need to take out full page ads in the newspaper, but you do need to make a stand, decide on changes and stick to them.

Otherwise, the whole cycle will just go on and on until something snaps - be it your health, you career, your relationships or something else dear to you

That's tough to do - I'm not gonna lie.
That's why we, all if us, need support.

It's not whining to ask for a helping hand out of the quicksand

I guess the first thing you need to ask yourself is what am I prepared to do here to change the way I live my life?

Whatever you decide there's a lot of wisdom and support here

Welcome

D

Spinach

Do what you need to. Just so you know itll only get worse.
So you can catch the limelight drunk try doing it sober.
Use statistics exercise anything to keep you sober it's no one else's business but adding a helpfully hand can't make things worse.
Better attempt now than in 30 years when .......
John.

tootsl1

Kinzoku, I ditto all the above. This is not an easy path to take, but it is worth it. You are not whining, you are recognising a problem and making attempts to deal. I knew when I was younger, that I used alcohol for all the wrong reasons. I didn't have an SR then, I didn't have your courage ( yes, it takes courage to write that first post and put down in words something that had previously just sat in your head)
It took me another 30 years and an entire wasted life to decide to change. Yes I now have a future, but what might it have been if I had dealt with things at your age.
Get what help you need to sort things out, you have so much going for you, focus on the positives and take the strength you need from here.

Beginning the road to sobriety will be difficult, but it sounds like you know difficult, it's just another challenge, and you will gain oh so much

I wish you strength my friend.

Threshold

SR is great because we are all here sharing how we did it and are doing it. You will read a lot of stories and see a lot of options for getting and staying sober.

If you hang around SR you WILL have support and a community. Later you may decide to hit an AA meeting, you may not. But for now, you have come to the right place.

For some people the word alcoholic is terrifying. Does it work for you to say you are someone who can't drink safely? Or better yet, that you are a non drinker? I love that one, fits me like a glove!

I found one of the hurdles I had to overcome in early recovery was that I defined myself, to a large degree, by my relationship to booze, drugs, etc. In early recovery I grasped onto the label "newbie" and then I was afraid to move past that...

When I started to identify myself more with the aspects and areas of my life that were not drinking/drugging related, and put my energy and focus there, it helped me move forward.

It's good to accept that we are alcoholics, but it's also good to remember that we are thousands of other things as well, and that we can make those our priority. We don't have to wallow in the fact that we can't drink safely, or wear a red letter A on our breast.

ams0602

Having a community and support system isn't being weak. Humans are social animals. We need this sort of thing. You ESPECIALLY need this if your friends and family aren't supportive.

Is it possible that your friends laugh it off because if they admitted that you have a problem, they'd have to admit that they have problems as well? I find that to be the case fairly often.

Anyway... Your post reminds me so much of myself, it's crazy. I wish you all the best in your sobriety :-)